r/XavierRenegadeAngel • u/BenfordAbrahams • 17h ago
Years ago, I wrote the script to this stupid ass crossover fanfic of Alan Wake and Xavier. I'm sorry if it's so mid and isn't as deep and layered as the show's writing
(Alan is in a room with a table, a chair, and a typewriter. He's writing a novel)
Alan: I just have to try it. I just have to. A comedic story. If it's funny enough I might escape. And so the story begins. And it begins with me writing me being in this room writing that. But now I have to advance. Through sheer insanity I've been blessed the imagination of this stupid philosopher who keeps messing up people he try to help, and he is at the surface of this lake, about enjoin me in the Dark Place... Place... Place... Place...
(Screen fades to Xavier rowing a boat on the middle of the lake. Xavier Renegade Angel title card appears)
Xavier: There is only one sickness pharmaceutical companies, witch doctors, gangsters, and people who repeated himself twice (echoing) twice... thrice... thrice... thrice... rice... rice... RICE!
(Xavier wakes up in a white flat dimension)
Xavier: Arise... And it seems that to even begin to question the question of what the knowledged and the questioned know about what kind of sequencer's in-Zane-inity plague I am talking about, I need a tac... ohh...
(The flat plane below Xavier rolls up and zooms out, revealing that it was the rice of a taco. Xavier walks holding the taco in his left hand, biting it. He walks past by a room with someone typing on a typewriter)
Xavier: Oh my, yours seems like a troubled one, young artist.
Alan: Young? I haven't known young for years! It's like he's a far away memory, more distant than my nostalgia of the old times as I am trapped in this dark place for ages.
Xavier: Oh come on, agimg is just the progression of time... And time is just progression aged to death, and the event of death is the death of artrrr
Alan: That's it! I'll write a pirate story! I can escape the dark place if it comes into fruition!
Xavier: Get off your high horse, sailor, he's under the influence. You don't want this boat we call art to sail at mach arr-oney or we'll turn to tomato paste and paint reality red with your transcendental textament
(Alan vigorously types into the typewriter)
Alan: I don't get it (Xavier interrupts him: "Of course you don't"), I just had writer's block and took vacation here, now I'm forced to write for eternity! Until the right story comes true with the power of the clicker!
Xavier: If reality is made of dreams, then I am the thought of a man, that makes me inside another man which is super gay but superb because if I crawl out of his mind and into his heart I can help him escape the dark place with the light of my (sniff sniff) heads?
(camera zooms into Xavier's eyes and shows a truck with it headlights on, driving into the camera. As it gets very close it suddenly stops and breaks with a stock glass-breaking effect and the loudest glass breaking sound effect ever heard of)
Narrator Xavier: I knew it! It was The Sudden Stop that started this trainwreck of a truck to The Dark Place, the underworld I do not underdevalue of being in, for I do not wear underwear!
(Footage rewinds back to eye with a rewind sound effect then zooms out of Alan's eye instead of Xavier's)
Alan: It's not a lake... It's...
Xavier: A psychomentally half insane trial of creativity for a mind deprived of energy to create narratives that drives us forward through fate/destiny/fatestiny? Nah, it's just a punishment for punishing the puns out of the condensed realities you've wrote.
(room transitions into the top of a mountain)
Alan: I- I don't know why I deserve all this! (he starts crying) I just wanted a break! Or else I'll break!
Xavier: Book-hoo. What kind of break exactly??
Alan: Handbrake the truck that stopped suddenly! (tire braking sound effect)
(Xavier pushes Alan off the mountain, he screams and it gets quieter by the second)
Xavier: That's what you get for being a punnyman in this place. A land Awake. We don't cotton to irony dancers around these parts (he spits down the mountain)
(Alan's screams then reverses into loudening. Alan falls on top of Xavier, causing him to stumble and roll down the mountain)
Xavier: Ow! Ugh! Ahh! Not! The! Brightest! Fall! I've! Felled! But! Not! Too! Shabby! That! I! Land! On! This! Big! Tubby!
(Xavier falls into a lake, camera zooms into lake then zooms out of snake hand's mouth)
Xavier: That's it! If that guy does not have energy to write, then he'll need to energize by eating, and if you are what you eat, and life imitates art, I have to eat art to become his life!
(Xavier rips the manuscript pages out of the typewriter)
Xavier: Take that! Taste the reality! T-t-t-t-take! TRANSCEND...
(The background snaps into a space, Xavier floats in nothingness)
Xavier: I have done it, I am become the thought, which to an extent the story, but I don't give a crap about the story, that's how this story will go. I'll just try to escape the messed up mind of whoever tried to write this existential I'mma-get-on (wordplay on armageddon)
(Camera zooms out to Alan's head. The background is the desert. Xavier bursted out of Alan's head, killing him)
Xavier: Boo yah! I ripped you a new hole, just like how it goes in the story!
Alan: You did it! You killed my evil twin, Scratch!
Xavier: Don't get high off your hopes, kid. Stay sober and remember, I am your literal thought and as your temporary perception of reality, I decide you think the story is stupid and you should throw it away.
Alan: Who the hell are you to decide that for me? You're a character in a story I wrote!
Xavier: But you've written a folly, a paradox, a meth-aphysical disturbance in the subconscious mind of an author! In which, you forgot, that I am not until you think of me, which makes me your thoughts, but not as in your thoughts, thoughts! Thoughts on that?
(Camera slowly pans and zooms to Alan's face until Xavier is out of the picture. Alan moves progressively more erratic while holding his head as if he's going insane from Xavier's rambling)
Xavier: I am your decision to write a story in which I am your mind itself, so as a brain technically I am the one in control, which means I am you, and you are what you eat, so you are paper, and a taco! Since books are just word tacos! You are what you wrote! High literature! The writer, has become the writtered. The author, has become the bookinged. The truth, has become the fictioned. And the existence, is wrapped in a tortilla of hard leather, but I am a thought, a concept, therefore I exist outside the existence that are your food for thought s. So it seems, I have crawled out of my own brain's ass, and I escape the Dark Place better than I do!
(Xavier burst out of Alan's head again)
Xavier: I'm getting way too ahead of myself. I must continue to ramble on, as the writer thought this was a fitting ending to his story, which ultimately didn't benefit him one bit.
(Pans to landscape and Xavier Renegade Angel title card appears. Then some clicking noise can be heard. The screen fades to the room with just Alan in it, typing on a typewriter)
Alan: And then Xavier burst out of Alan's head again. He said "I'm getting way too ahead of myself. I must continue to ramble on, as the writer thought this was a fitting ending to his story, which ultimately didn't benefit him one bit." And then the screen fades to the writer's room and I appear and I'm writing myself writing "And then Alan wrote "And then Xavier burst out of... (so on and so forth)
(Camera zooms out, Night Springs theme plays in the background)
Narrator Xavier: And so the writer has found himself stuck again, with a failing story. The literature was taken literally, lit on fire, and used as fuel to cook the taco that is real-lit-y...
(Echoing) the story is a taco... The story is a taco... The story is a taco...
(Night Springs title card slowly appears then everything fades to black)