Let’s discuss “Tales of Evil” And “Lessons.” *Correction to heading: Chapters 9 and 10.

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Someone Messed with the Wrong Big Brother! – Tuesday Teatimes

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Jory doesn’t understand wth is wrong with his little brother, so he decides to sit down with him and, in the most patronizing tone imaginable, offer to have a “man-to-man talk.”  Bart comes straight out and says his real father went up in flames like a p-e-d-o in a Wes Craven film one December night.  And that’s what’s up.  John Amos tells him the truth.  Others tell him lies about a doctor daddy who didn’t burn but was still a p-e-d-o, even so. 

Jory’s like, I’ve remained silent for too long.

He’s already confronted the neighbor lady on at least two separate occasions.  Yet he acts like he’s finally going to lay down the law and do what has to be done.

As he’s making his dramatic trek to the mansion next door, his mind fills with memories of early childhood.  He remembers a dark-haired man whose name was . . . what was it now?  No!  It couldn’t have been Bart!  Bart Winslow?  Why, that’s the name of his half-brother! 

We’ve been over this before.  Jory must have the memory of a flea. Yet he’s smart enough to use pretentious words like “noonday.”

What fourteen-year-old in 1983 would have used the term “frisking” to refer to a dog romping around?  Do we have Dad’s “Word of the Day” to thank for this highfalutin nonsense?

This time, when approaching the sinister property, he has to pass through a gate with an intercom system and everything.  Confronting the old woman has failed to yield real results in the past, but he’s determined that this time will be different! And to make it official, I suppose he needs to pass through an iron gate. 

The woman of the house tells him there’s nothing to fear.  Which pretty much means he should be terrified right about now.  

She goes into a long story about how she failed her children.  She says she made a mistake marrying their father, but she thought there was no other man for her.  Only to discover with time that there actually was another man out there for her.  If only she had waited a moment.  Oops.  But it was too late, and she was stuck with these kids.  I mean, seriously? What’s a woman to do?

She wants to know what his opinion is on parents who kill their kids. Not first-degree murder but the unintentional kind. At most, voluntary manslaughter!

He’s like, What a psycho!  Buh-bye!  Oh yeah, stay away from my brother. 

So, she shows him an old portrait of herself. Jory, recognizing a face much like Cathy’s, reacts in the same way Susan reacted in the 1961 version of The Parent Trap upon seeing a picture of Sharon’s mother.

Jory is in major denial. He’s like, You’re just another blond with blue eyes!  Who can tell any of you ladies apart?

He decides to ask Emma to spill his family’s tea.  But Emma is like Verbena. What’s with all of the allusions to The Parent Trap in this book?

She’s like, Nope, not saying a single word about anyone else’s business.  She’s here to cook and clean and that’s it!  Now if she could just find some fried chicken to serve that brat who calls himself Jory’s brother.

Jory spends much of that night searching for Clover, who has wandered off. Bart is acting strangely, talking about having recently shot a wolf.  Clover?   Who the h e ll would have given this kid a gun?

Eventually, Jory gives up the search. 

His parents are in bed, talking about how they’ve got the worst secrets anyone can ever imagine.  What if the boys find out?  Somehow, they don’t even notice Jory standing nearby, listening to everything.

So Jory has no idea wtf he’s supposed to do now.  His parents are liars.  Bart is so nutty, he’s a walking allergen.  And Clover’s no doubt deader than disco. 

Maybe one day he’ll know how to put his teen angst into words.  In the meantime, he just needs Dad to give him a few more vocab lists.

***

Bart is beginning to resent John Amos, who continues to force him to read Malcolm’s journal.  Bart finds the passages wordy and confusing.    Methinks his father has been slacking off on the vocab lessons!  Or maybe he’ll get to w-a-n-t-o-n and h-a-r-l-o-t soon enough.

The next day, Bart works some more on Clover’s doghouse.  He bangs himself up enough that he starts to feel pain.  Just like Pinocchio, he’s on his way to becoming a real boy!

Later on, Bart’s pretending to crawl around in a jungle, and he overhears his parents arguing about the upcoming visit with Daddy’s crazy mother in Virginia.  Chris wants to go see her. Cathy’s like, You go ahead and do that. And maybe I’ll just hop a plane to New York with the kids.

Cathy and Chris also hint at a shameful family secret.  Chris is convinced that if word ever does get out, the brothers will give ‘em a pass.  Bart is like, Fat chance. Chris sure does overestimate his younger son’s ability to empathize with an I n c e st u o u s r a p i s t.  Even forgiving a two-year-old girl for merely existing is a huge ask for this little punk.

The following day, when Emma calls him in to dinner, he doesn’t respond.  He smells something nasty and traces it to Clover’s dead body.  Now his family is probably gonna think he’s a dog killer.   And guess who won’t be needing a crudely built doghouse after all? 

Momma thinks Bart is ignoring her because she smacked him earlier for accidentally filling up the kitchen with detergent suds while trying to help the housekeeper with the dishes. How’s that for gentle parenting? Sounds like Momma has anger management issues.