I cleaned up a little before the cleaning lady came , I didn’t want her to see how we really lived

Are they for necessity or do lazy couch potatoes use them also?

Being a stepdad is hard. There’s so much to prove to each other. I have to prove to them that they can trust me and that I can keep them safe.
They have to prove to me that they’re worth what they did to their moms tits.
We went to Victoria’s Secret once and in order to get her measurements, they had to use a plumb bob.
The measurement came out in fathoms.

Is this any better or is it just funny to me?

As a note, anything in brackets is basically stage direction for myself.

[Preamble about the tragedy of suicide], but it’s personal right now because my friend’s been talking about suicide, and he [get a little choked up]… owes me so much money. Do you know how to ask a widow for the money her husband owed you? Here it is [silence for a beat, maybe pantomime zipping my mouth shut]. That’s it; there’s no good way to ask that. Maybe one of his kid’s is good for it?

It was weird though; he talked about “un-aliving” himself, and I’m like “Dude, you have sooo many friends… for a guy who says “un-aliving”. And for real, he’s great, I’d trust him with my life… I would not trust him with even a dollar, ever again. If he puts the “dead” in “deadbeat” I will be piiiiissed.

Edits!!: Than you all for the feedback; it’s been really helpful. I’ve had a couple ideas to open and close the bit that I want to bounce off you. They’re more like outlines, but here goes:

Hey! Has anyone here killed themself recently? [If they’re silent]: Nice, love to hear it. I asked that last week and some guy cheered. He laughed at my whole set, too, so apparently I’m really funny... to ghosts. [If someone cheers or boos]: Nice, a ghost! [After one of those lead-ins]: It’s on my mind because [main body of the joke]…

To wrap up the bit, I’ll talk about how my wife “tricked me” into being a good friend to somebody in need. Then I’ll find a couple in the crowd and tease the guy like “If you aren’t careful, she *will* manipulate you into being a better person.”

Im not good at making people feel better. My friend was depressed and said "ive got nothin" and I said hey, thats not true. Youve got moderate to severe excema

Music is different when you're old. When I was young, smooth criminal was such a cool song. Now I'm like "jesus, annie was murdered? who's annie? why are you giving me this information in the form of song?"

<imitates MJ scatting> "Iadanaaa, ladanaa" Bro I'm upset too, stop fucking scatting. There's blood? There's blood on the carpet? Did you call the police? Why are we dancing?

Imagine you're MJ, having all of this weighing on your conscience, that your friend is lying in a bloody heap in the bedroom, and it's your job to deliver the news. How would you even begin to relay this to someone? How would you start that sentence?

I'll bet you a thousand dollars that it isn't "SHOCKACHOCKA"

Ever since covid, aren't you just sick of hearing about how friggin marvellous our key workers are? Support our key workers, clap for our key workers, get down on your knees and pleasure the key workers.
Look don't get me wrong, I'm sure most of them do a good job, but don't they get paid for what they do? Course they bloody do. It's just not worth all this extra fuss. And anyway, back in my day we called them locksmiths.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

So I've got complex PTSD. And the thing about complex PTSD is that it's called COMPLEX* *for a reason.

It ain't simple PTSD. my shrink says I've got soooo many psychological problems they had to give mine a fucking adjective.

But the great thing about trauma is it teaches you useful life skills. I've actually trained myself using abuse. Which sounds bad....but it's very efficient. One of my best friends, she's in law school, she texts me 'SMACK' and I open Microsoft Word and start my assignment. It's incredible. Years of psychological research, and I've discovered that my most effective productivity technique is a bit of recreational domestic violence.

I tell her I've written 269 words, she goes 'SMACK!'. She does 52 footnotes - and I say "COMPLIMENT SMACK!"

And I think this is where the complex PTSD really comes in. Because normal people need encouragement. They need positive reinforcement.
'You're doing amazing! Believe in yourself!' blah blah blah blah...oh my god kill me already 🙄!!!

I need someone to text me 'SMACK' and threaten to withdraw my Microsoft Office subscription. And the beauty of it is we're both students. We're fucking broke. Can't afford therapists. Can't afford personal trainers. Can't afford productivity coaches.

But here me out....domestic violence? Completely free if you do it digitally. And environmentally friendly!
No transport required. No carbon emissions. No physical contact. Carbon-neutral violence....I reckon Greta Thunberg would be fucking delighted!!

And then she'd probably smack me for printing my assignment the nezt day.

First one: What i don't understand about furries is why the fuck they all dress up as cats and dogs??! Like come on, if I wanted to fuck an animal I'd choose something massive like a blue whale...apparently they have a 10-feet long penis. theres a reason someone wrote a book about a whale called Moby DICK.

Second one: As an autistic person I always take things too literally. Dr asks me "are you sexually active" me: "not that active, I prefer to lie still during sex." I dont rlly believe in unpaid labour.

There was another time where I went on a date with this guy. He asked me if I do one-night stands. Hmm not really. one night stands wont actually cut it for me. i prefer two night stands, one on each side of the bed...preferably the ikea ones.

Any thoughts/feedback please appreciated. Thanks! Im a female in my early 20s, trying to get into standup.

Remember those cheap nail pouches you used to get at the hardware store?
The one that’s like a fabric kangaroo pouch?
That let nails periodically stab you.
Or was that because I’m catholic?
Anyway, go to Lowe’s or Home Depot. Those simple pouches are long gone. But there is an inventory of 50 tucked away by the garden tools and bird seed. Nobody cares. These days they carry flower gloves.
Yes kids, we wore pouches of nails up against out groins. Like god intended.
But seriously, they gone because there is some cool shit out there. Delta force shit, you’ve seen it.
Yea.
Have you looked?
You have one? A tool belt?
Yes! I know , it’s simple, right but have you seen the new stuff? Holsters. You got a drill, ok. Maybe two? With me? On with Philips on one and Torques #8 at the ready.
A tape measure , which is now a lazer. So, Star Trek or Star Wars, dealers choice, so that will inform the eye protection you select. Terminator style. Or hip 70’s , well Star Trek was not big on eye care so we are leaning Star Wars.

alright, we all know religion. it's one of the multitude of topics you can NOT discuss at a dinner table. number 1 being aunt susans haircut.... oh you thought i was gonna say politics, WRONG! thats numero dos people GET WITH THE PROGRAM! catch my curveballs!

religion is just another thing in our society to place a label on. i believe in anything and everything why should i label myself something if i find good in everything, sure i believe in reincarnation but i also believe there is a god and i believe in the universe! everything is worth believing in if you try hard enough

no i dont care that you're a satanist, i care that you just burned down an orphanage in the name of satan! i couldnt care less that you're agnostic but you cant hate crime a gay black guy for no reason, that's straight up wrong you sick fuck! and for the love of sunlight i dont fucking care if you're a christian, i care that you beat up a baby with a 10 foot cross and threw a bottle of polar spring all over him and called it a baptism.

(i support any and all religions and beliefs! i just found this bit funny and kinda creative i hope!)

Just recently, there was that story about the 50-year-old woman who survived two botched execution attempts by lethal injection in Tennessee. Later this year, The government plans on executing a man by firing squad and live streaming the whole thing. Do you know what's going to happen? It's going to go flawlessly and that's scary. All of a sudden states are going to change their method of execution to firing squad. They're going to publicly broadcast them. I mean they're going to do numbers probably in like China. The ad revenue is going to be insane. They're going to be the new Marvel movies. They'll broadcast them on an app called Styx. You know, it's a streaming platform.

My lower back was sore and I had trouble standing up straight. I looked up back stretches and physical therapy videos and the people were doing Muslim daily prayers. They're on their knees head on the floor, arms reaching out, I'm like, I've seen this before.

Then I looked up Muslim prayer moves and it is basically fucking YOGA!

How did THAT happen?

Hello, comedians!

Next week I’ll be giving a presentation at a conference on MCP (how MCP is used). It’ll be fairly general, just the basics. But I’m a really dry person, and I’d like to include some jokes. Does anyone have a joke I could use at the conference to lighten things up a bit? It can be related to MCP or more general. If you have any tried-and-true jokes or sharp opening remarks that can break the ice, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you for your help!

Sorry, but a fundamental part of being a man is not choosing your penis and living with it. They must spin a wheel!

(Just to be clear, transmen are not the joke here. I joke that the anatomical lottery is an essential part of the male experience, and allowing trans men to customize their equipment amounts to skipping a fundamental rite of passage.)

I was out last week and I was in the mood of taking a woman back to mine, proved harder than I first thought at the family reunion

Trying to create a loosely coupled set of jokes that use callbacks.

• Shohei Ohtani is sponsored by New Balance. After his translator stole his money, he needed a New Balance.
• If Baseball is America's pass time, the WNBA is America's nap time.
• A 25 year old LA Dodgers fan, blew up his hand while celebrating the teams championship win. It's not like he was getting a ring.

with that win Magic Johnson acquired his 17th championship ring, making him nearly 3 times stronger than THANOS!

• Juan Soto signed a 15/yr contract for the N.Y Mets, worth $765 million. That shows New York only wants migrants that hit a ball not their wives. Steals bases not their cars. Knocks it out the park not Knocks up girlfriend in the park. Loads the bases not Magazines. 3 strikes you're out not 3 strikes you're out the country. Catch a fly Ball not Catch Ebola. In the Park Home-Run not Park in your home and Run.
• In 2026, a Major League Baseball game was cancelled after players refused to wear pride night uniforms. Those sassy bitches.
• The first openly gay baseball player was Glenn Burke, who played for the Oakland Athletic's and L.A Dodgers between 1975-1979, in 1977, he invented the High-Five..After teammates refused to fist him. +to be fair, the High-Five not that gay, the ass slap "Good Game" kinda gay.
• 12 year old Bianca Martin, an Australian, became the youngest female B-M-X rider to land a double back flip..a very impressive feat fighting gravity down under.

Joke #1: Speech Impediment

I grew up with a speech impediment, which you can hear. I had trouble pronouncing my "ths." For example, instead of saying Smith I would say Smit, instead of saying Math I would say Maff, instead of saying Father I would say "Who?"

Joke #2: Marriage Contracts

I think marriage should be a set of three-year renewable contracts, right?

So every three years, you get to decide if you want to stay married to this person.

And I personally think that this would help the women in heterosexual relationships the most.

If you don't believe me, have you all ever seen an NBA player in a contract year?

The year before his contract up, he's giving it his all. That's how men will be.

Men will be giving it their all. NBA players will do anything it takes to get that max extension. *gesture towards erection*

An NBA player on a contract year, he is blocking shots. Your man will be blocking Instagram thotties.

An NBA player on a contract year, is sweeping the other team. Your man will be sweeping the floor.

An NBA player on a contract year, he is showing superhuman endurance on the court. Your man? He'll be trying his best.

And I say this because I don't think men understand how good they have it with their wives at times. Do you know? I think, you know, if you see a guy who lost— if you see a man who lost his wife and kids, somewhere along the line, much further before this, he stopped being a husband and a father.

Or as I would call it when I was younger, a husband and a who?

The saying nice guys do finish last is especially true during an orgy. He’s always going after you, no I insist, go ahead, no biggie,

Orgys a weird man it’s like the only activity I don’t mind them handing out participation trophy’s for, whether you cum in 1st or cum in tenth you deserve some kind recognition for participating in that.

I would join an orgy but it’s seems like such a hassle I mean I can handle the testing the carpeted walls the weird lighting what u wouldn’t be able to handle is orgy group text that you would be obligated to participate in. That sounds like hell.

AO:  Play “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica  (I can play this one song, recognizable, but terrible)

At 13  I thought it would be cool to play an instrument so I picked up a harmonica. After that demonstration you can see why I quit. I only chose the harmonica cuz I got it free for selling 57 boxes of "Christmas Cards" door to door.

AO:  Play “Wipe Out” drum riff on the stage stool. (I can do ok with this riff)

Yeah, I tried the drums.  That’s the only riff I know.  I could have kept going with the drums.  My parents encouraged me.  They said they would drive me to gigs under three conditions: 1) They wouldn’t have to stay and listen 2) I’d sign away their parental rights and 3) The gig was at least 25 miles away …and I’d wait until they dropped me off to remove my blindfold.

A gay friend of mine said maybe I’d like to try the skin flute.  I asked how that’s different from a concert flute? He said a skin flute is played with two people, and it makes beautiful music.  I asked if he had one I could try, could he show me how to use it? He said heck yeah…pull down your pants.  Sounded weird but what do I know, I’m not a musician yet.  So he got down on his knees, started play my skin flute and all of a sudden I understood…. The difference between adagio and fellatio……also a flute can become a clarinet.

In that moment I discovered something about myself I didn’t know, simply because I never tried.  I’m damn good as a soprano.  

To say that I had a bit of a drinking problem is like saying Michael J Fox has a slight case of ants in his pants.
I drank so much that I had to switch from drinking Jack Daniels to drinking Black Velvet.
What’s Black Velvet? About a third of the price of Jack Daniel’s.
I did the math. I saved $453 a month by switching to BV.
Thats like having an extra car payment. Or more likely, an alimony payment.
$453 a month is actually more than my car payment.
I drank more than a 2019 Nissan armada every month.

Black Velvet is terrible. Only a certain kind of scum can drink that stuff. For example, my ex-brother in law, the pill junkie wouldn’t even drink it.
100% of BV drinkers have been told “look, school isn’t for everyone.”
BV is for guys that smoke cigarettes in the bathtub.
It’s for people that have given up on life.
It is the fat ass in shitstained sweatpants walking around Walmart of alcohols