I’d like to hear from people with schizoid personality traits or those who are familiar with this personality type. I’m trying to make sense of a situation involving a man I’ll call M. I’m interested not only in outside perspectives but also in hearing from people who recognize themselves in this description.
A little about him
M. is a man in his forties who works as a doctor in a demanding medical field. He is intelligent, rational, independent, and reserved. He seems comfortable living alone and doesn’t appear to have a strong need for frequent social interaction. He has been divorced for many years and has a teenage child who lives elsewhere. He is interested in intellectual subjects and has mentioned wanting to go to Antarctica.
I’m not a specialist, but some of his characteristics remind me of descriptions of the schizoid personality type. He rarely initiates casual conversations, doesn’t seem to enjoy small talk or going to the theatre, and comes across as emotionally detached. At the same time, he is polite and can be kind; he simply expresses himself in a rather restrained way.
I’m his landlady, so our relationship was originally purely practical. We are not friends and have never been romantically involved.
Why I became interested in him
There is one important detail here: I wasn’t interested in him simply because he was mysterious or difficult to understand.
Even before we had spoken to each other, he reminded me of my father. I felt this resemblance almost immediately, before I knew anything about his personality. Perhaps that is why he seemed strangely familiar to me from the very beginning.
I’m attracted to intelligent, independent men, but in this case, that sense of familiarity may also have played a role. I started paying more attention to him, and eventually I developed a crush on him.
I initiated personal conversations by text several times. Sometimes he replied quite warmly and at length. He told me about his work, interests, and aspects of his personal life. On some occasions, it seemed that he was willing to keep the conversation going rather than simply answer a question.
However, he never initiated personal conversations himself. Eventually, I sent him a simple message asking how he was doing, and he didn’t reply. Later, when we met to arrange the rent payment, he didn’t mention the unanswered message at all, as if nothing had happened.
After that, I stopped initiating personal contact. For me, an unanswered message is an ambiguous signal, but it is also a pretty unpleasant one, so I decided not to risk putting myself out there again. I didn’t confront him about it, and I don’t intend to. Now we only communicate when something related to the apartment requires it.
I’m not even sure I would want a relationship with him if I found out he was attracted to me. I need warmth, tenderness, emotional reciprocity, and sexual chemistry in a relationship. I suspect I might feel lonely with someone as emotionally reserved as he seems to be.
Still, I want to understand whether he noticed my attraction and whether there might have been anything similar on his side. Perhaps this is not only about him as an individual, but also about the fact that he reminds me of my father, who also has a schizoid personality type.
How our interactions have changed
At first, our interactions were more relaxed. I even wondered whether there was a little flirting going on.
For example, he once suggested that I consult some doctors he knew. I said I needed a female doctor, and he made a rather cheeky joke: “I’m not a gynecologist, of course, but I could take a look.”
I was embarrassed and didn’t respond.
Over time, I began to feel that a kind of mutual tension was building between us, as if we were getting closer and closer to some sort of electrical discharge. But perhaps I was imagining it.
His gestures seemed to become more awkward. The jokes stopped, and our conversations during visits became quite short. We see each other about once a month. Nevertheless, he is always the first to start talking when we meet, and sometimes he shares something more personal, such as his wish to go to Antarctica.
Recently, M. has personally brought me the rent money several times. Previously, I would usually go to collect it myself, and he could theoretically have continued with that arrangement. When I asked whether it was convenient for him to bring it himself, he said that it was. There may be purely practical reasons for this, so I don’t want to read too much into it.
The most recent encounter
During our last meeting, I was wearing a loose sweatshirt and sweatpants. I was tired, sleep-deprived, and not trying to make any kind of impression.
M. looked me up and down, taking about three to five seconds, then looked away, almost as if he were rewriting his database. I had never noticed him looking at me like that before. His expression seemed frozen, surprised, and slightly puzzled, as though he needed a few seconds to process some unexpected information.
Then he asked what I was doing. I was caught off guard and didn’t answer. After all, we were meeting at my workplace, so it was obvious that I was working. He answered for me: “Working.”
I said I was about to fall asleep, and he replied that he was practically asleep on his feet too, since he had just finished a 24-hour shift.
We talked briefly about work and his shifts. Then he left. Before leaving, he lingered awkwardly for a moment in the doorway of the business centre’s lobby and said, “Anyway, everything is fine.”
I don’t know what that look or that final remark meant. Perhaps he simply noticed that I looked different. Perhaps he was evaluating my appearance. Perhaps something else caught his attention.
I have wondered whether he had noticed my attraction earlier and whether something about my behaviour or appearance surprised him this time. But I have no evidence for that interpretation.
For context, I haven’t always dressed the same way around him. Once, I wore a pretty green dress. On other occasions, I wore ordinary everyday clothes, and once I came out to meet him in something close to loungewear. He had simply never seen me in that particular combination of a sweatshirt and sweatpants before.
But I had worn other outfits around him for the first time too, and he had never looked at me like that—not even when I wore the dress.
What I’m trying to understand
I started reading forums where people with schizoid personality traits discuss their experiences, and I was surprised by how differently they perceive social signals. Some say they are very observant and can easily tell when someone is attracted to them. Others say they often have no idea when someone likes them.
I’d like to ask:
- If you have schizoid personality traits, or recognize similar characteristics in yourself, how good are you at recognizing when someone is attracted to you? Do you notice it through their behaviour, or do you tend to miss these signals?
- Can someone be a good observer of people while still struggling to understand their emotional intentions?
- If you realize that someone is attracted to you but you don’t feel the same way, how do you usually behave? Do you ignore it, remain friendly as usual, or start keeping your distance?
- Do you notice changes in another person’s behaviour toward you even when you don’t understand what caused them?
- Based on my story, do you think M. might have noticed my interest, or am I reading too much into ambiguous situations?
I’m not looking for reassurance that he is secretly in love with me. I’m perfectly open to the possibility that he simply sees me as his landlady and has no romantic interest in me whatsoever.
Alternatively, perhaps he has noticed my attraction and feels wary of it, wondering whether he needs to keep his distance or be ready to escape at any moment.
I’m finding it surprisingly difficult to let go of this situation, even though I understand all these possibilities. Now I don’t even know how I should behave around him.
I’m interested in understanding how people with these personality traits perceive other people’s attraction and how accurately they can recognize it. I’m also curious about whether resemblance to someone from our past can influence how we perceive another person and why we become attracted to them in the first place.
I’d appreciate honest answers, especially from people sharing their own experiences.