My husband is resistant to rehab mostly because of the expense. But we can’t go on like this. What low-cost options are out there? We do have insurance, but it’s ACA, so it’s not accepted many places - leaves us very few options that I can figure out.

My favorite sound these days
Is the whoosh of gentle air blowing in and out. Or not so gentle.
Your Breath. Louder. Make it RATTLE even.
The signal that the worst is over.
I can allow my nervous system some calm.
To Relax.
To Settle.
To Be still.
No longer on high alert.
You are safely asleep.
I am safer than I was. For now.
The sun will rise soon.
Another work day.
Another school day.
What will you do?
Will you sleep?
Will you wake up feeling ill?
Will you hate yourself even more?
I hope not.
Or will you still cling to your anger?
Please, God, I really hope not.

When will my real husband return?
You are an imposter.
I don’t like you. I don’t want you.
I did not choose you.
You are hurtful, and angry, and selfish.
You think only of yourself.
Why does he keep opening the door to you?
Why does he invite you into my life?
And our children’s?
Why does he continue to allow you to terrorize me?
How many nights should I tolerate being called a bitch and a witch and all manner of nasty names? Sarcastic comments, gaslighting… I did not sign up for this.
Why does he think we deserve this?
Does he think I deserve this other version and the meanness he brings?
I know with certainty that I do not.

That person is the worst parts of his father and step-father rolled into one.
He knows that pain. The nasty treatment of the people who should love you best.
Yet he keeps subjecting me to the torment.
He thinks I am strong.
He gets angry when I hold up the mirror.
He gets angrier when I tell him I can’t do this anymore.
He doesn’t take me seriously.
Why would he when I’ve enabled it for so long?
“In the name of survival, we get used to this”
But I’m not surviving anymore.
I’m barely holding on.
I’ve been treading water for so long,
But now…I feel the tug on the underneath.
I want to sink down and never bob back up if this is the reality I have to return to.

I want to never see his bleary red eyes.
I want to never hear his slur.
I’m disgusted by the pseudo baby-talk affect.
He doesn’t even try to hide it - because he can’t.
I want to never need to hold my breath, waiting to see which version of him I get today.

Please, just keep snoring.
The gentle whisper or the strong rattle breath that tells me this cycle is nearing the end for the night. I hope.
Unless a dog barks.
Or a teenager comes bounding loudly into our room.
Or he has to pee.
Or he is cold. Or hungry. Or…or…or…
Because it’s all about HIS comfort.
HIS trauma.

While he is self-medicating to avoid facing up to his unprocessed truths,
While he is avoiding his trauma,
He is adding to mine.
That’s what I’ve been told.
Who do I turn to?
Trauma-informed therapist.
Al-Anon
Protect my own mental health, my own sleep (what a joke!)
Smart Recovery for Families.
Options.
Options that won’t guide me in what I really want.
Options that I don’t have the bandwidth for.
They won’t tell me how to help him get better, just how to cope.
I’m already an expert at coping.
At being everyone else’s rock.
So another night has passed, like so many before.
Like how many to come?
Trying to protect him from himself.
Trying to shield the children from the worst of it.
I have lied to them so so so many times.
Protecting them. From him.
From his mean, nasty, over the line, not-ok
-to-say-to-your-teenage-children remarks.
Protecting him. From their response if they knew just how bad things have gotten. Or, worse, if he crossed a line that he can’t uncross.
Trying to manage his alter-ego while we both neglect me.
No one protects me. I put myself in the line of fire repeatedly for the sake of everyone else.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s killing me.

I love the real you. I want YOU back for good.
I hate the version of you that I get on nights like this.
Why? And how can I help you stop letting that vile, hurtful, hateful doppelgänger in?
You tell me you still have love for me.
This isn’t love.
This is pain.

The louder the snoring, the more relaxed I can let myself be.
There is a measure of relief, knowing you have finally fallen into slumber.
And yet, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Like a skittish cat.
I can’t relax.
I can’t trust.
I can’t believe your words.
Because they are always lies.

I wish I knew the words to make you leave for good.
Leave me with my husband. Please.
Leave me with love, and partnership.
Just leave.
And don’t come back.
I beg you.
Leave my husband alone.
You’ve stolen my best friend and left me stranded in this world.
I can’t be strong forever.
You are breaking me.
You need to let him be.
Let me be.
You angry demon.
Fuck. All. The. Way. Off.
Dear Lord, please give him the strength to resist his demons, to put the needs of his wife and children above his own comfort, to do what he needs for himself and not what he wants, to love himself best of all, and to see his own worth.

Please. Just keep snoring.

Three years ago by husband went to rehab as he was close to death due to drinking. During the last three years, he done pretty well. There have been some slips that I know of (I have always suspected that there were likely others that I didn’t). We have also seen an excellent couples counsellor and worked on trust and communication.
Today, it feels like we have had a huge set back. I caught him hiding a beer and also realized that he had vodka in a bottle of orange juice. He started trying to tell me it is the one time. Then admitted there had been a few other times but that it is under control and he is not drinking to excess.
This feels more dangerous than the other times. Then he got really drunk and was embarrassed. This is him more similar to drinking the way he used to—a slow intravenous drip of poison.
I had been worried a few times over the summer about some things I was seeing. I even asked him about it. He also has a medical conditions that means is executive functioning gets impaired if he doesn’t get enough rest and can resemble a little like when he has been drinking. This means that sometimes he really hasn’t been drinking but can seem “off”. I think, however, that more times he has been drinking that day or the day before and his brain hasn’t recovered.
The loss of trust in him is terrible. We worked on this so much that he would look to me for support.
I also am so freaking sad and tired of all this as well as scared of where this will lead.
I didn’t respond too well. I tried to remain calm but am so upset. It felt like my world has blown up.
I am trying to keep it together right now in the house. My son is home from university and his long distance girlfriend arrives tomorrow. I don’t want to blow up their weekend.
Any positive thoughts or support would be great.
There is Friends and Families group on Sunday and we have our therapist next week. Hopefully those will help me feel more grounded.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

As Family and Friends, we can always find a reason not to take that walk, not to eat healthily, or not to spend time with supportive people. Our reasons might be that we feel guilty taking care of ourselves when our Loved One is so unhappy; or we don't have the time or energy because we are too busy focusing on our Loved One; or maybe we have got out of the habit of doing anything positive for ourselves.

When we do start to take care of ourselves we might find that: we actually have a little bit more energy than we did before; our Loved One might see our new behaviors as a positive model; and we might feel better about ourselves because we are becoming a more rounded person, instead of a person fixated on the behaviors of our Loved One.

Here is a link to a list of ideas for Self-Care. No doubt you can think of many more ideas.

What are you going to do for yourself today? Let us know your plans and how it went.

I told my loved one today that I am moving out. I brought it up in therapy last week and confirmed today I am definitely moving out on a specific date. At first, he did not get it, and then came back devastated. I know I can't control his feelings, but it is difficult not to feel guilty. Even though it's been more than a year of his drinking too much. He's reduced but not done much in the way of recovery work and his drinking has ramped up again after a job less earlier this spring. I know it's the right thing to do, it's just really difficult.

ETA: I did it, I moved out yesterday. I'm so sad, I also had to leave our dog. I'm staying with a friend and I wish I just moved into my own place.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

The ABC tool is a great way of examining our thoughts so that we can more rationally deal with what is going on in our lives. We might tell ourselves "I am angry because my Loved One is late again." Using the ABC tool we can examine what we are thinking about the fact that our Loved One is late again, we can replace that thought and then maybe we can find a more helpful way to deal with the situation.

You can find the ABC tool by clicking here.

Here is an example of the ABC tool for the situation above:

Activating Event (or Adversity) - what was the situation? My Loved One was late again.

Belief (or thought) about A - My Loved One should not be late. They should keep their promises to be on time. They are always late.

Consequences - how did I feel or what did I do because of what I was thinking in B? I felt angry and yelled at my Loved One when they got home.

Dispute my thoughts in B - Where is it written that my Loved One should not be late? Maybe they were held up at work? Does it feel good when I think that my Loved One should do something - doesn't that set me up for disappointment? Is my Loved One always late, or are they sometimes late?

Effective new thought or belief - My Loved One is sometimes late. I would like them to be on time, but they do not have to be on time - they are a flawed human being, just like me. The next time my Loved One is late, I will try to talk to them in a calm voice.

• What do you think? How much better do you think you would feel if you told yourself the thoughts in E instead of B? Do you think it's worth giving the ABC tool a try? Or maybe you'd like to tell us about your experiences using the ABC tool?

We were doing really well, making some really positive progress in our relationship. In couples counseling on Friday, I said that I was starting to trust him on handling things like taking his damn medications, paying bills, job searching. He even got a job and it’s supposed to start mid October.

And then I found a little bag in my car that had a strange little metal bit, like a nozzle or something. The brand was “Smok.” I asked him offhand what it was and said he had no idea, and threw it in the dumpster. I said it worried me because of the brand name, but he played it off.

I googled the brand name later and sure enough, it’s a vape company. When I confronted him, he tried to say it was old but I just said “I don’t trust you.” So he admitted he’d lapsed 2 weeks ago after 7 months of us both being sober.

I can’t keep doing this. It’s been so many years of lies. He’ll get better, we’ll get better, but then something like this happens.

I don’t know if his new job will even work out anymore because I think they drug test. We really needed that. Lapsing was so fucking stupid. He knew I was thinking about leaving and I was reaching my last straw. He knows if the new company drug tests (I’m not sure.) He knows we have $5000 in debt from his PHP program.

I really thought we were getting better for real this time, but I was also just preparing for the ball to drop, and it did. I love him so much, and this is breaking my heart.

I’m sleeping on a friend’s couch for a little while, and she’s being very kind and generous. But I don’t really have a way to sustain myself if I need to move out. I’m looking for a job.

I just can’t keep doing this with him.

I'm 35F dating 35M. We've been together eight months. It's the healthiest, most secure relationship either of us has ever had, and when things are good they're genuinely good. When my dog died suddenly and violently a few weeks ago, he stayed with me for two days straight and was an absolute rock. I found out later he was in withdrawal that whole time and stayed anyway because he didn't want me to be alone.

We've been very open with each other from early on. I knew about his history with drugs before any of this, and he told me himself that one of his patterns is pushing people away. We'd also talked about the future in real terms, getting a house together, having kids, all of it. None of that was one sided or vague.

His history: he went to rehab at 20 for weed use and has gotten sober multiple times since, including two separate three year stretches. In the last year and a half he's relapsed three times. His substance is weed. I drink maybe twice a year and don't use anything, so this is new territory for me, and this is the first relapse I've actually been around for.

A few weeks ago he told me he was high in that moment and had been using for five weeks without telling me. He said he wanted to get sober. Four days later he used again and told me he isn't ready to quit, that he knows he isn't done with it yet. We had a weekend planned at my friends' place where he couldn't use. He went back and forth until the last minute but came, stayed sober the whole weekend, and we had a genuinely lovely time. In the car home he asked me to be patient with him and said he'd work on it. My only ask was that he try something different, since what he'd been doing clearly wasn't holding. That night he told me he still wanted to use.

I told him I thought it was best he stay at his place while he was using, and that he was always welcome back if he was sober or actively working on getting there. He called me the next day high and I said I didn't think that calling was a good idea. Since then we've had almost no contact. I checked in and he was curt and didn't want anything to do with me he asked for space. The next morning he messaged to say he was sad and that he knows he needs help. The day after, I messaged again to make sure he was ok and he apologized and saying he's afraid of hurting me again.

He's two days sober that I know of. He's out seeing his friends and his family, just not me. We last spoke a day ago and I haven't seen him in a week.

I've been in touch with his best friend, who happens to be a therapist. He said it seems like my boyfriend has done a 180 on me and is avoiding me specifically, not people in general. Neither of us can work out whether that's shame, the pushing away pattern he already told me about, or something else entirely. The friend also said my boyfriend has talked about possibly looking into an outpatient program, which is the only concrete step in the picture so far.

What I'm hoping to hear from this group:

1. Is this shutting out common? Did your person go quiet on you specifically while staying warm with everyone else?
2. Is it shame, self sabotage, or should I be reading it as him ending things without saying so?
3. For those who went through it, did it resolve once your person had real sober time behind them?
4. Do I give it another week and let him come to me, or do I need to say something?

I don't want to put my life on hold indefinitely. But I love him, and if this is the time it actually sticks, I want to be someone who supported him through it. I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been on my side of this.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

The language we use makes a difference: We sometimes feel upset about a situation with our Loved One, then, by using powerful words to describe the situation, we end up feeling worse about it all!

For example, our Loved One might be engaging in their behavior/drug of choice at the weekend. How do we react to this? We might think/say "they always do this at the weekend", or we might choose to dial it down a notch or two, and we might think/say "they sometimes do this at the weekend." By using the word "sometimes" we help to calm ourselves, and so we are less likely to act in a confrontational, unhelpful way with our Loved One. By replacing our vocabulary, we are using the Exchange Vocabulary tool.

Using this tool, I might decide to say "I am upset about my Loved One's addictive behavior", instead of "I am angry about my Loved One's addictive behavior" a small change, but powerful. (You might try saying the two sentences out loud to see if you notice a difference).

I might also decide to say/think "I wish my Loved One did not ...." instead of "My Loved One should not..." Here we are avoiding demanding that our Loved One act in a specific way, and so we are avoiding the disappointment and resentment that might follow when our Loved One does not comply with our demands.

Have you used the Exchange Vocabulary tool? Was it helpful? Is it something you might consider using in the future?

I'm not sure where to look or where to start so here I am on reddit lol. Married 8/together 15 with 3 kids under 5. I am at a loss. I don't even like him anymore. He's made the best years of my life with my kids the hardest. I want to leave but I'm so scared to watch him spiral further. But here I am allowing him to continue living like this. Drugs, gambling & recently I discovered his online dating/hook up sites that are flat out gross. It kills me. Idk what I'm even doing posting this 😅 I don't know who to turn to.

I have never knowingly met a drug addict or been around any. My family has never touched drugs or alcohol in their lives, and my friends have only ever really drank and smoked weed (as have I) to a "normal" degree or at a certain point in their lives. Thats just my only background in experience with any drugs.

At the start of the year I started dating someone who I knew smoked weed. I was like ok fine, I used to do that, I dont care too much and I spoke to him about smoking less and he agreed and has been smoking less.

All was fine until I started noticing little weird patterns which I started observing more and researching about since I started having suspicions and I was like no way, it cant be.

Anyway, long story short, Im 100% sure he smoking/snorting amphetamines/meth/cocaine. He has ADHD and is older than me, so from a generation without so much info on it, and hes obviously self medicating because of this. Hes super functional, keeps jobs, friends and family (altho a bit antisocial but im like that too and he was like that since a child), keeps the house clean, is hygenic, eats well, cares for his teeth, does skincare, etc. I think this is why it took me so long to realize. But once I looked through his stuff and found his pipe that was all the confirmation I needed. He then realized hed left it near me, and tried to hide it but I saw it all, although he thinks I didnt. He was acting very nervous too. It all clicked then and I was sure.

I have absolutely no idea what to do. I found SMART online but I am still lost, and when I found this sub I thought I'd post here for guidance.

What do I do? Do I talk to him? He will totally lie though im pretty sure. How would I even approach it? Do I tell his family? (hes 40+). Is there any way to know roughly how long hes been doing it? Is there actual hope for him to stop? I literally am just in shock and still processing it, as I just found out yesterday (after suspecting for a couple weeks). Any advice is welcome and please be kind and understanding.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often feel frustrated and resentful when our Loved One doesn't meet us when they say they would**;** or when we don't know where they are; or when they borrow money from us and don't pay us back. Instead of sitting with those upset feelings, we can set a boundary.

Page 79 of the second edition of the F&F handbook tells us that boundaries are guidelines "to define reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave with us." The handbook also points out, on the same page, that boundaries can help us to build a healthier relationship with our Loved One. Sounds like a good deal, yes?

So how might we set a boundary? We can calmly use the Inform Request Inform method suggested in the handbook:

Inform: "I feel annoyed when I make plans and have to change them at the last minute."

Request: "Can I ask you to text me if you are going to be late, please?"

Inform: "If you are not willing to text me when you are going to be late, I will need to go ahead with my plans."

It's simple and brief, it clearly states what we would like to happen, and what we will do if that doesn't happen.

Have you set any boundaries with your Loved One? Would you like to share them with us?

It's Family & Friends Friday!

Do you ever feel guilty about your Loved One's situation, maybe having thoughts that begin with "I should have..." or "If I hadn't..."? The Family and Friends handbook tells us that these guilty feelings are not helpful because they might lead us to tolerate unacceptable behavior, or we might act in ways that prevent our LO from being responsible for their own behavior. (See page 48 of the second edition of the handbook for more ways in which our guilty feelings do not help us. This is on page 27 in the first edition).

So how do we deal with our guilty feelings? We can work on the questions here (worksheet fillable on your device).

We can also challenge our guilty thoughts, asking ourselves if our thoughts are true/helpful/logical: "Is it true that it's my fault?" "Is it logical to think that I am the only one who has influenced my LO's choices?" "Is it helping me when I give myself such a hard time?" (See page 48 in the second edition for more ideas on how to let go of guilt. This is on page 28 in the first edition).

Do you ever experience guilt about your Loved One's addictive behavior? How do you deal with your guilty feelings?

I found out tonight that my ex boyfriend who is a fentanyl addict is getting evicted from his apartment. Apparently he’s letting someone live there and he is staying somewhere else. I fear I am going to get a phone call that he is dead from overdose. We broke up June 27th but my heart still hurts so much.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

Many of us, as Family and Friends, know what it's like to be afraid - that our Loved One won't come back tonight, that our Loved One's addictive behavior will continue to escalate, or maybe that our Loved One will get arrested. The FEAR exercise (now called Resolving Fears) can help us to come to terms with our fears.

To use this tool: If we are using paper and pencil, we divide the paper into 3 columns.

• In the first column, we write our fear ("my Loved One won't come home tonight").
• In the second column, we write our fear as a "what if" question ("what if my Loved One doesn't come home tonight?")
• In the final column, we write what we would do if our Loved One didn't come home tonight ("I would call my sister. I would continue with my evening as I had planned. I would watch a good movie. I would text my Loved One one time to check on them").

The beauty of this tool is that it helps us to realize that even if the worst thing happened, we would be able to deal with it, and that is empowering. You can find this tool on page 135 of the first edition of the handbook and on page 115 of the second edition of the handbook.

Have you used this tool? Was it helpful? Would you like to share your experience with us?

I decided to go no contact for 4 months with my LO. The past 3 months have been nothing but constant crying and worrying and hope, and it reached the point in which I realized that I was reaching my own rock bottom. I feel like I am grieving someone who's still alive, that he's here but not, that there were moments that felt "just like it used to be before" only for the addiction to take him away the next day.

My heart is completely shattered and broken, and i've been in a constant state of sadness for the past months. Hence why I said, it's better that we go no contact for the time being so i can take care of myself. I know this is the right thing to do and I have lots to learn.. I just don't know what to expect from here and part of me is still feeling like "i need to get myself together fast enough in order for me to be back on track in order to be there for him"

It's Family & Friends Friday!

We often say that we cannot directly change our Loved One's addictive behavior. We can, however, make some changes to our behavior which might affect our Loved One's addictive behavior. Maybe we decide to work on our self-care, which might serve as a model for our LO? Or we might try not to catastrophize when things get difficult? There is a list of things we might change in the F&F handbook (Page 3, first edition. Page 28, second edition): we might stop protecting, rescuing, nagging or controlling our LO, for example. We might try to stop obsessing about our LO's behavior, or we might stop trying harder ("if I were a better parent/friend/partner this wouldn't be happening").

You might consider taking a look at the Change Plan Worksheet, to help you decide what changes you would like to make and help you plan those changes.

What changes do you think you might make in your own behavior? Is the Change Plan Worksheet helpful for this?

Hi everyone,
I am new to this subreddit. I hope I am following the guidelines. If not, I sincerely apologize. I am wondering how to grieve an ex boyfriend who is still alive but has relapsed once again on fentanyl? Thank you for your help.

My LO is 6 mos into recovery journey and has made huge progress. I persistent and surprising discovery is that she appears to have dry drunk episodes and because she has had recent lapses it is so very hard to determine if behavior, high mood, agitation, that looks suspicious and puts me and husband on edge, turns into defiance, talking over us challenging boundaries, repeating self and general look of intoxication even when in full view all day and no signs of drinking. It's something that builds over course of the day and occurs in evening when everyone on edge.

She had extreme alchohol problem since 18-19 and now 28 and really struggling a lot to maintain sober for more than few weeks. She is on naltrexone shot and that has been huge help.

The problem I believe is extreme stress. She has no home, car and has been living with mother step dad since Jan when she left rehab 40 days AF.

We are pushing for 45 days AF to be able to use our vehicle for work. She has job prospects and does way better on sobriety when working.

She had a seasonal job that ended a few weeks back and the stress and anxiety and being stuck at home has been getting the better of her I believe.

She has psychiatric appointments about 1x month and recovery counseling she does on line 3x week.

I would like to hear from people with experience on dry drunk or paws symptoms to understand how to navigate trusting no substance use when anxiety overwhelms and it looks like drinking has occurred.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

One of the things we talk about a lot at Family and Friends meetings is the unhelpful messages we send to ourselves:

1. If we try to have a conversation with our Loved One (LO) using PIVA, and that conversation stalls, we might find ourselves thinking "I failed again." (See our post "Family and Friends Friday - PIVA" for an explanation about PIVA).
2. If our LO slips, we might think "I should have taken them to rehab."
3. We might also catch ourselves thinking "If they loved me, they wouldn't engage in their addictive behavior."

These thoughts are probably not helpful and might prevent us from moving on with our SMART work. In order to challenge our thoughts, we can first identify them as being unhelpful. Then we can go to this tool (fillable on your device).

Using this tool, we can ask ourselves if our thoughts are true/logical/helpful. We can work on replacing our thoughts. So for the examples above, we might replace our original thoughts with:

1. The PIVA conversation didn't go too well that one time. I did manage to use an "I" statement, though, and can try again soon.
2. It isn't in my hula hoop to take my LO to rehab. My LO is in charge of their own recovery. I will work on providing positive experiences when my LO is not in their behavior/drug of choice.
3. My LO does not engage in their addictive behavior because they don't love me. It's not personal. I will try to understand what benefits they see in their behavior/drug of choice, so that I am better able to help them.

Why is it important to identify and challenge our unhelpful thoughts? What changes in your feelings and actions do you think you might see if you decide to challenge your unhelpful thoughts? Have you used this tool in the past? Was it helpful?

Our couples counselor who is specialized in addiction and alcoholism conducted a thorough assessment with my husband, which I was witness to. He concluded:
-not an alcoholic but on the path
-probably not addiction because he considers addiction to be a chemical dependency
-has a social/emotional/psychological dependence
-uses alcohol for unhealthy coping

I agree with everything except my mind wants to label it as addiction. Years ago, his drinking behaviors were really bad, I’m actually ashamed with my younger self for staying. He has repeatedly broken commitments surrounding alcohol and caused a lot of strain in our relationship over it. And it’s not an addiction??
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this. Thoughts ?

Today the issues are a lot better than they used to be. Seems to be on a path of healing and sobriety, no matter the labels. Is this a salvageable relationship ?

My wife has ADHD, and it was causing her so much stress in her life that she ended up seeking out cocaine around 6 months ago. Things were going pretty well for me, but I didn't realize just how bad it was for her.

She wasn't able to keep up with school, and had to put it on hold for a year. For a while her use kept increasing, up to 2 grams a day. She got fed up a couple times, had a few hospital scares from high heart rate, and tried to get off, but kept going back to get more after 2-4 days off. The most recent time, after a particularly bad hospital scare, and when she had trouble with her nose closing up on her and being at risk of a perforation, she made a promise on getting more that she would stick to a one-day-on, two-days-off pattern, which she actually has been able to do (by vaping instead on the off days, as a harm reduction method).

I've been trying to support her as best as I can, but I'm going through this blind, and probably making a lot of mistakes in the process. She's suffering a lot, and has frequent breakdowns, worrying not just about her drug use but how she'll be able to manage life at all given her struggles with ADHD. I try to help, but it often ends up blowing up into a fight. And then I get depressed, and I don't have a social safety net to fall back on here and... it's rough.

I'm working on this from various angles, and would appreciate any advice you all might have.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often talk in meetings about how difficult it is to communicate with our Loved Ones.

We can use this tool to help us communicate in a positive way with our Loved One. It's called PIVA, standing for Positive, "I" statements, Validate and Ask.

Imagine that our Loved One often doesn't tell us where they are. We might plan a conversation using PIVA:

Positive = Thank you for doing the grocery shopping yesterday.

"I" statement = I feel concerned when I don't know where you are.

Validate = I know that you are busy at work and sometimes forget to let me know where you are.

Ask = I realize that sometimes I forget to text you to tell you where I am. I am going to try to do a better job of this. I’m asking that you do the same.”

What do you think? How would you feel if you talked to your Loved One using PIVA? How would your Loved One react? Do you think that PIVA might help your relationship with your Loved One? Have you tried to use this tool? Do you think that you might try this tool in the future? We'd love to hear your comments.

He has just started sobriety and meetings. We are married. I’m at my capacity with how much disappointment and trouble I can tolerate from his addiction (alcohol). Very happy for him and his new path. Also cautious and protective of myself.
To those of you married who have gone through it, how did your spouse support you without sacrificing their own well being?
I’m considering a separate living situation for 2-3 months to grant him time and space to get into his routines and new habits and for me to focus on myself. Good idea or bad idea?

For more context, his addiction is mild to moderate, not severe. We have a toddler and I’m pregnant. I have family I am living with now. He’s also in therapy and we are doing couples therapy.