My partner and I have a toddler, and because of limited childcare, I became a sahm until our son starts school. My partner works eight-hour shifts, while I care for our son and handle almost the entire household. I understand that being the main breadwinner is stressful, and I don’t expect a perfect 50/50 split, but I feel like his workday ends while mine never does. He expects the house to be clean because I’m home and sometimes criticises me when it isn’t. For example, I may cook dinner and put our son to bed, only to come downstairs and find the table untouched, even though the dishwasher is empty. If I don’t do the housework, it usually doesn’t get done.
He also has much more free time than I do. He stays up gaming, sleeps in on weekends, and sometimes barely sees our son during weeks of late shifts. Almost every evening he games and smokes, while we rarely spend time together. When I suggest a date, walk or movie, he usually says he’s too tired or doesn’t feel like it. When I tell him I’m unhappy, he becomes defensive, calls me emotional, reminds me that he earns the money, or says I’m choosing the wrong moment. He doesn’t seem to understand that when things appear calm, it’s often because I’m swallowing my frustrations to avoid another argument. He may be depressed, but this has lasted three or four years and he hasn’t sought help. He also wants me to earn money so we can save for a house, while wanting another child with me staying home again. I’m trying to build a small business during our son’s occasional childcare days, but he would prefer immediate income. I don’t know how I’m supposed to add paid work without anything changing at home. We also disagree about our son’s sleeping arrangements: he sleeps well with us, but my partner thinks he should sleep elsewhere so we have more freedom, even though we barely use the free evenings we already have.
What hurts most is feeling that my contribution isn’t valued. After he said I wasn’t doing enough, I tried explaining how much childcare and housework involve, but felt dismissed. He sometimes says, “Yeah, but I’m paying for it.” I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know I’m not perfect. He can be playful and affectionate, and I know he works hard. But I feel increasingly lonely, criticised and financially dependent. I’m also worried about what our son learns from watching me do almost everything while becoming unhappy. I don’t want to break up our family, but I don’t want to spend years waiting for things to change either.
Am I overreacting? Is this a normal imbalance when one parent stays home with a toddler, and am I underestimating the pressure my partner is under? Or is this genuinely unfair? Have others experienced something similar, and did things improve? I’m looking for honest perspectives, including ones that challenge my own, because I’m too exhausted to know whether my expectations are reasonable anymore.
