I got my skates about a month ago. My partner has been teaching me since they've skated in derby since they were a kid. They've been holding my hand, stopping me, staying right next to me the whole time, etc every other time we've skated together. I felt loved and cared for. I cannot even stop on my own. I decided to be brave today and we went to a local skating group on a crowded Greenway with pedestrians, dogs, traffic, crosswalks, and more. I am not at all qualified for this kind of skate, but my partner told me they'd help me.
For some reason, my partner did not treat me with the same tenderness and attentiveness that they have before. They barely talked to me, skated way ahead of me, told me to keep going when I said I was terrified and my legs were shaking, etc. I was skating on sidewalks for the first time in my life. I had to go over the bumpy sidewalk-end indicators. I had to go over train tracks. Strangers in the group were checking on me, but my partner wasn't. It was absolutely terrifying and I ended up stopping and sobbing out of complete fear and overwhelm.
I ended up leaving them because they weren't helping anyways and skating all the way back, about 1 mile in the dark, completely by myself. It was fucking awful and terrifying and I almost fell several times and almost got hit by a car once. But I did it, and I did it by myself. I don't think I'll be skating with them again anytime soon, but at least I know I'm tough and I don't need them.
I never would have gone if they hadn't promised me to support me and help me through. But knowing for sure that I don't need them feels so freeing. So I just wanted to celebrate my win for today. That I can skate completely alone at night and make it back to my car. I don't need anyone. I can do it. I'll be crying and terrified, but I can still do it alone.