32F, married 10 years to my husband (37M), with two kids (6 and 7). I have zero desire for sex with him. Though I’m still willing to have sex and do weekly—and would actually like to want it more—I’m not interested.
Before you say he should leave, hear me out. Early in our relationship, we had sex multiple times a week for years. I still find him attractive, but he does a lot of unattractive things that have worn on me over the years.
First, he refuses to address basic hygiene issues that turn me off, like his breath. He has terrible breath; it's so bad I can smell it from 2–3 feet away in public, and I feel embarrassed for him. I can smell it when I cuddle him, when we're talking together, etc. This makes intimacy difficult, because it appears he has a problem that can be corrected but won't. I ask him without nagging, saying things like, "Hey, can you schedule a dentist? If you get this resolved, I think it will remove a barrier to our intimacy." But he always uses an excuse that he saw a dentist 5 years ago who found no cavities, so his teeth are fine.
His general hygiene is just as bad. When he worked in a shared office environment, he’d come home and try to touch me intimately without washing his hands first after working with equipment, etc. I’ve also had to repeatedly explain basic hygiene, like not touching me intimately after touching my rear, and I still have to remind him.
I often have to ask him to wash up before sex because he will poop and I can legitimately smell shit when I go down on him. I have to explicitly ask him to wash up and brush his teeth every single time before we are intimate.
On top of that, he’s addicted to video games. He is completely checked out with our kids, he’s usually playing video games or scrolling YouTube as soon as they get home from school, and he spends his weekends gaming. The output of gaming and phone usage weekly is 30+ hours a week. 1 hour YouTube scroll after work. 3 hours video games on weekdays after kids go to bed before he goes to bed. Weekends are free reign with these activities.
While he works out hard during the day and looks good physically, he gets super defensive anytime I bring up issues or express that I want our sex to improve if he can support with basic hygiene that alone will 10x the sex output. I work well to maintain my physical attractiveness as well. I have a normal BMI am tone though cardio, pilates, weight lifting, and eating healthy (no processed foods, limited sugar, high protein and veggies). I thought I should add because I don't want anyone here to think I'm a lazy sloth expecting output while I give none.
Honestly, I feel bad for him, and I'm afraid I’m losing respect for him since these issues have persisted throughout our 10 years, but I am hear to fight to respect him.
It sucks because he wants more sex, and to be clear, we aren't a dead bedroom. We are averaging at about 1x a week. I love him, and I put these issues aside to keep our sex life going. When we have sex, I am enthusiastic and genuine, it’s not an act, but sometimes it’s difficult to fight the discontentment in areas that I wouldn't want someone like my son or brother to be ok with.
Before you also ask, he is adamant that he is not depressed or struggling with mental health. Whenever I ask him how he's feeling so I can care for him best he is always good, happy.
I am by no means a nag. My husband tells me very frequently I'm an amazing wife and mother and well this is why I'm here. I want to be better and approach this issue with caution because I do respect him enough to not flippantly continue down a path that hasn't worked.
What do I do? I want to have a better sex life with my husband, but what we're doing right now clearly isn't working.
