it's still on my mind, so i have something else to say about it. i don't care what scenario you created in your head, but you know what you did and you know it was wrong. i don't know what about me pushing you and telling you that i wanted to stop and that it hurt screamed consent to you, but i didn't. i didn't want you to touch me, or to kiss me, or to force yourself inside of me. and no one cares about the argument that we had in may.

i feel like you think you have this god complex, and you don't. all we ever did was have sex. outside of that, that made my life hell. you verbally assaulted me on multiple occasions, but i'm sure that you'll say you don't remember that either.

what you did to me and how you treated me made me question myself. it made isolate myself and quit the things that i love doing most for months. i am still trying to get back to myself. it made me not trust anyone and made me look over my shoulder every time i went somewhere because i felt like you would be there.

i was put on antidepressants and anxiety meds because of it. i stopped leaving the house and gave up on dating completely. i ruined something good with someone that i cared about because i didn't know how to set my trauma aside.

i waited months before i started to be intimate with someone again because every time i thought about kissing someone or letting someone have that access to me again, all i could think about was your hands on my body, and how scared i was when i realized what you were doing and that you didn't plan on stopping.

just because i didn't scream and kick doesn't mean that i wanted that. no means no. you're a 25 year old man, i shouldn't have to explain that to you. and i did tell you no. multiple times, but apparently you're stuck in an illusion that you created for yourself.

i told you no to kissing. i told you no when you started to pull my pants down. i told you no because you didn't have a condom. i told you to stop trying to force yourself into me because it hurt. i told you that i wanted to stop during as well. i told you that i was uncomfortable and upset afterwards.

and the only reason i kept in contact with you is because after that night, i didn't remember what happened to me. i'm not an idiot, i wouldn't continue to talk to someone who raped me willingly. after that, i always felt uneasy around you.

especially when you got mad at me for not wanting to have sex with you while i was on my period. especially after you coerced & guilt tripped me into doing it. especially when you would yell at me and call me dumb and tell me how no one else was going to care about me the way that you did or when you'd tell me how i deserved for you to talk down on me.

the truth is i did not deserve any of that. and you are not a good man at all. i shouldn't have to explain to you what you did to me because you know what you did to me. we both do.

and i don't need you to validate that because at the end of the day, i don't want your pity or validation. god seen what you did to me.
all the wrong that you've ever done in your life, you'll have to take it up with him on judgement day.

I've been struggling to process something that happened recently and I'm not sure if this counts as assault or SA. My male friend usually makes a lot of jokes about rape, domestic violence, cnc etc but mostly in a fictional/fandom context, and I try not to correct him because he gets angry.

I sometimes stay at his place over the weekend, and the first time I stayed overnight he made a joke about us sleeping in the same bed and him not being responsible if he rapes me while we're asleep. It haunts me every night at his house.

Last weekend I woke up randomly to him choking me from behind and humping me, I couldn't stop him, I tried shifting so he would understand I'm there and awake but he just grabbed me harder. He was physically stronger and I was struggling to breathe normally and he just kept going for a while until he either got tired, fell back asleep or came in his underwear. We were both dressed so no penetration occurred but I feel so gross for not being able to stop him... I tried telling him in the morning and show him the bruises but he just laughed and said he does that to his pillows while asleep?? I genuinely don't believe he was asleep but I was too panicked to push it further...

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

Hi, I'm booked in for tomorrow, but I'm struggling quite badly with anxiety and trauma-related difficulties at the moment. I'm really sorry that I've had to cancel several appointments previously. I do want to look after my dental health, but I'm finding attending extremely difficult.

I'm worried about losing my place at the practice, and I'd really appreciate some understanding and advice about how we could make appointments more manageable for me. Could you please let me know my options?

I feel terrible writing this but I feel so triggered lately and I am not in therapy right now (my past therapist maybe was abusive to me - details in previous posts)

Anyway so I (F30) have been with my partner (M32) for 14 years 2 kids together. I had a difficult childhood, experiences fo SA etc and in turn have always struggled with my mental health (periods of depression, cptsd, autism). I think currently I am triggered (its just been my bday which marks 2 years since my mental breakdown and 1 year since an abuser dying but that left me with very complicated feelings) and its had me thinking about if I'm normal (whatever that is??) But basically I'll try and keep this not too long but my partner has (I believe) sexually abused/raped me on a few occasions I know if youre reading this you might just think well break up with him...

I did for 8 months we lived apart, shared time with kids, went to counselling separately and then together (with the therapist that then turned abusive but anyho) I am just doubting myself if I can really move on. Some days I feel like I have. I minimise what he did and other days it feels consuming and confusing and I hate it. I also work for 2 sexual abuse charities so in some ways I feel like a hypocrite

I minimise because we had done CNC before, which was my suggestion to take back power after other SA, because sometimes I initiated it, because he might of been confused too. But on the other hand I know I stopped responding and he continued oral sex until he finished and even pulled out so I didnt choke, he had sex with me while I was asleep (or he thought I was i woke up but didnt move and the morning after he said that I stopped responding but it was only 5 minutes, he thought I was awake but he didnt want me to accuse him of anything), he had sex with me quite violently when we hadn't discussed prior about this and id mentioned not wanting to be strangled but he did. I know all this might make him so awful, but he isnt. He has shown remorse. He has worked on himself. We've worked on our relationship and communication and boundaries massively. As before i did shut down, i didnt discuss it after if he brought it up because i couldnt acknowledge it, then I had a mental breakdown as my nervous system was shutting down and i was having 10 panic attacks a day and he moved out. I do love him. But sometimes we will be disagreeing about something so small and I will just be filled with RAGE and hatred. And thats not me, I dont want to feel like that towards anyone.

We do have sex now and its much better. Its normal. Its healthy, communicative and boundaried. If I have to stop, he does without any issues. Hes very aware and checking in. But again sometimes it just hurts and I get flashbacks and self harm after sex because I feel so grossssss. Anyway I dont know what my aim is to posting, to see if anyone else who's been through anything similar has any insight or advice? I dont want to leave, I could leave btw if i wanted and I dont feel at any current risk at all. I just wanted to say this somewhere as I cant literally anywhere else.

My brother molested me when I was a child. He was a child too and also being touched and didn’t know any better so I’m not mad at him but it was still very traumatic. I blocked it out for years but last year the memory came back to me and I didn’t really deal with it and just pushed it down. Well the past few nights, I’d say like the past week I’ve been having very realistic nightmares about it and I don’t know what to do or how to make it stop. I can’t afford therapy

It breaks my heart to hear it but she’s been homeless for 2 months after leaving abusive situation and she told me she’s been living on streets and bouncing around and has been assaulted many times.

She told me she is just apathetic now and feels nothing.

I told her to call cops and she says she doesn’t want to and that they won’t help since they’re corrupt.

I really feel like I’m watching someone die slowly and it’s so sad.

for context- i was out drinking w some friends last night. i recently moved back to my city and haven’t been in touch w many people. my ex found me w them and we ended up hanging out for a bit.

background- i’ve had a partner for two years but we are extremely long distance (think 12 hour time difference). i’m madly in love with him and would do anything for him, he’s the only one i want even if circumstances make it hard now.

i’m struggling to write this out because i don’t know where it went wrong but im guessing it’s when i decided to hang out w him in the first place- i was already drunk at this point and its been 7-9 years since me and my ex have met, we dated when we were 16 for less than a year. i didn’t think it was that deep.

im usually able to hold my liquor but i have no idea what happened, i was super drunk like three drinks in. he ended up booking a taxi back to my place to drop me off and finish our convo, which was fine, i was in no state to go home alone. he sat on my couch and we spoke and i honestly could not tell you how it went from sitting opposite each other on the table to him kissing me??? i have 0 recollection of how it happened or what led up to it. i dont remember having sex. i only recall sitting in the shower later. i remember him leaving. that’s it. i know we had sex bc he offered to pay for a morning after pill.

i don’t remember anything and im struggling on whether this was my fault or whether to tell my partner. i feel awful. please advise.

edit: I wanna emphasise I feel absolutely disgusting. I acted fine when he left my place, but I am not fine. I can't keep secrets for the life of me. I just don't even know what to say about it.

edit 2: I told my ex before I blacked out that nothing would happen between us.

edit 3: please stop dming me asking if he had any photos of me naked/unconscious. its weird.

When I had my first boyfriend, I was 13 and he was 16. The first time we ever hung out outside of school, we had sex. I was crying the whole time because we had gotten into an argument, and he kept giving me mixed signals. He kept making me sit on his lap and then pushing me off. Eventually, he calmed down, but I was still crying. He made me sit on his lap again, and all of a sudden, he started unbuttoning my shirt. He said, “I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t wait until you’re 16 to have sex with you.” That’s when it happened. I froze because I didn’t know what to do, so I just let it happen.
About a year later, when I thought I could finally leave him, I met another guy. I was 14 and he was 18. We hung out once and had sex, but I got scared and pushed him off pretty quickly. A week later, we had sex again, but he ended up ghosting me. I eventually went back to my ex.
I’ve been wondering whether both experiences could be considered rape, and whether the second experience could be considered statutory rape because I was still under the age of consent.

Around 2 months ago, august 11-16th, i have been seeing this guy. He was really nice at first, really understanding. He was a year older, i was already 16 he was 17. We got into his car, and he had unconsensually fingered me, and rubbed me, and had nearly choked me to pass out. I had old him I consented to being choked, but I had said multipket times to stop, then he would do it the exact same as before. The 2nd day, we had been in his car in a parking lot, i was fine with making out and going a little further, but then he kept going deeper as he fingered me (I didn't consent to being fingered that time either), i kept saying to stop, he would either stop then immediately go in again or not stop. Then he kept asking about oral, and it got to the point i agreed because (he admitted this himself ON RECORDING a month later) he asked a "couple dozen times". Then when we did, he had pushed my head down when i tried to get up because i "said i liked that stuff", he never asked me if it was okay, or if i wanted to do that.

A month later, I messaged him after my therapist told me to (she wanted me to get "his perspective"), asking him about it and telling him my perspective. He called me, then proceeded to deny everything other than pressing me into oral and directly contradicted himself about other things. Then i told my friend, she never even told her bf, her boyfriend was friends with him, and he had told her boyfriend that I was lying about it, even though his boyfriend didn't even know.

Only now am i really feeling the trauma and effects, I just went numb and just angry 24/7 for a little, then suddenly recently I just started feeling sick at the thought of even talking about it. It's something I have flashbacks to. I want to tell people what he did but i'm nervous.

I made post here before 2 months and from that time I tryed to be better with sex and nude things. Do you think making Only Fans would be good? I started like to take nude pics but I do not like people so I thought it may be fun to do and make little extra money.

four years ago i was groomed and repeatedly sexually assaulted by a guy i met on the internet maybe a year prior, i felt insanely awful about it at the time but i really loved him and i still have dreams and even like weird fantasies about it, i don't know what's wrong with me because it makes me so upset. he was also sort of a broken person so i find it hard to entirely blame him but idunno. now i have dreams about being touched by strangers and people i know, its so tiring because ive heard these are signs that it could have happened before. i feel really stupid and i dont know i just wish i could remember things clearly. i felt so much safer when i was with him. im also just in a really bad spot im in school and living with my parents which are awful and i find myself wishing i could stay with him again. im so scared that any of the dreams ive been having are somehow real

I’m a male and I’m having trouble processing what happened to me a while ago because I got drunk and now I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s making me feel weird. Anyways my ex girlfriend who’s my ex for reasons other than this was giving me head and I came in her mouth and she kept going, I repeatedly told her to stop over and over again and she wouldn’t and I tried to push her off but she was insistent, then I warned her that I was going to basically pee in her mouth, I didn’t do this intentionally it was just how my body was responding I don’t know why it did that but anyways I told her what was going to happen and she just nodded her head while still going and I needed up peeing in her mouth. I genuinely feel so disgusted by all of this in a way I can’t describe, I know what she did to me is technically rape but I still feel disgusting even trying to describe it or think about it more so with myself than anything else. It just feels really gross and I don’t know who to turn to.

I’ve never wanted to report. It scares me to much and I hate the thought of it. I haven’t even told anyone close to me about it, let alone the police.

This is mainly down to fear of the process, fear of him retaliating, embarrassment and shame

I still don’t want to report it but after speaking anonymously on some subreddits, everyone seems to think I should definitely try

I wanted to know if the things that scare me the most about reporting actually happen, so if you’ve ever been through this before, or you know about the process, I would really appreciate your advice

These are the questions I have:

- Will my family & friends be involved and called in for interviews? As I really don’t want anyone in my life to find out. I would prefer privacy over justice

- Will they make me share invasive details about things like what underwear I was wearing or how my body was responding? I think I would just crumble if I was made to talk about that

- If it makes it to court, are the defence team going to basically call me a liar and berate me in front of everyone? And will they use invasive details to try and say I’m a liar?

- Would I just have to explain what happened once or are they going to make re-tell it over and over and over again?

- If I don’t have enough evidence to prove that he did it, is there a chance I could get in trouble? Because after watching ‘Unbelievable’, knowing situations like that can happen, it terrifies me. Because if he is found not guilty, that implies I’m a liar, and lying about being raped is illegal

- Is there even much point after almost 3 years, or will it be extra trauma for nothing?

- Is there anyway my job could find out? Would officers contact them? Or could it be reported in the press? I know they can’t report names, but surely people figure it out

- If he is let go and nothing happens to him, will he end up with my address? Like on some sort of police paperwork?

Thank you in advance to anyone that offers any advice

When i was very young, I was raped by 3 different people who were all close to me, i was a virgin until I met my current partner.

The problem we continuously have is that we are both enjoying it, but at some point it seems like my body starts reacting to a threat or something that isn't there. I get dry, even with copious amounts of lube and it starts to hurt and I need her to stop.

I like having penetrative sex with them, but it seems like no matter what either of us do, my body starts to react a specific way and we have to stop, its started to frustrate both of us because neither of us can never get to the point of being able to finish before it seems to happen.

Please give advice if this is something you have dealt with before because we really want to figure it out so we can both enjoy it together.

I wasn’t raped I just needed somewhere to put down my story

Im 18 he’s 26 we meet at my work, he’s tall and handsome I’m young and naive, him and his buddy are funny and charismatic I’m nice and talk, they joke about me going out with them later, I laugh. At checkout he asks for my number, I think, I’m 18 now, I will be in collage soon I should learn to hangout with older people, I give him my number. He text me ask if I want to hangout after work, I’m unsure. But I’m 18 now I should learn to hangout with people who are older, I agree. He asked if I want to go and have a drink, I tell him I’m 18 so I can’t and ask if he cares, he doesn’t mind. He invites me to his hotel. I’m unsure but I’m 18 now I should go and hangout with him and his buddy, I agree. He tells me his buddy went to the bar so it will be just me and him, he ask if I care, I’m unsure but I shouldn’t mind, I’m 18 I should learn to hangout and I tell myself I’m not going to do anything tonight. I go to his hotel, when I get there he ask what I want to do, it late nothings really open, he ask if I want to walk around, I say no, I don’t know what we would do walking around. I try to make conversation talk about little things, he lays on the bed, I sit awkwardly on the edge. I know I shouldn’t be weird so I lay down next to him, I try to continue to talk but I can tell he wants to kiss me, he kissses me I kiss back, it’s just kissing and I don’t want to be awkward. He takes his shirt off, and asked to take off mine, I let him, it’s just a shirt. He touches me I let him, it only touches. At some point he asks to go down on me, I let him, mabye an experienced tongue will teach me something, he ask to finger me I let him mabye his experience will feel good. He ask to have sex I let him, mabye his experience will be different, I haven’t had much why shouldn’t I. He enters a finger into my backside I let him, mabye it’s a new thing I should try, we go on for a while, he spits down there for lube, I’m disgusted but I let him, I don’t want to be awkward, it’s hurts but I moan I don’t want it to be silent, and it always hurts I’ve never felt differently. we keep going, I want to be done but I don’t say anything I don’t want to be awkward I continue to fake moan, he ask if I want to try anal, this is where I draw the line. I tell him I’ve never tried it before, I don’t think I want to it might hurt. He tells me he’s already been fingering me back there with 3 fingers and ask again, my line breaks, I tell we can try and I’ll tell him if I want to stop, I knew it was a lie I wouldn’t say anything. it hurt less than it did in the front that was a plus, mabye we’ll be done soon. It goes on for a while, he cums in me, I ask him to get me a rag, he does and then orders wing stop, I eat a little, he asks if we can go agian, I draw a line, I tell him im too sore, he asks if I can give him a blow job, my line cracks, I agree, he cums. I tell him it’s late and I should head home, I walk back to my car, I start to drive, i think, I think of how I led him on, I question what I expected going to a hotel room almost at midnight, about desiding to just stay in the room, what did I think was going to happen. I get home, I go to the bathroom, I sit on the toilet, he comes out of me, I feel disgusted and disappointed in myself, I take a long shower, I go to bed, I tell no one for months ashamed of what I did and allowed. It’s not like most stories I never said no, I just allowed it. 

’ve recently been realizing that I think I was sexually assaulted somewhere in 1-3 grade right before the COVID pandemic. I think I have some repressed memories, and there are some things that happened in my past that would have no other explanation. I’ve had this memory that feels very real and I thought for a while was a dream I had, however when I look at this case it’s very similar to my memory and I have chunks of my memory missing from that time of my life, not to mention that at some point in second grade my imagination got very dark very abruptly. is it possible something happened with this?

I was abused for many years by a teacher when I was younger… I’ve processed it a lot and have been in therapy for two years and am in such a better place in general. but I started school again a month or so ago and all these old feelings have been coming up… I think being in class with professors and going to office hours and all that stuff has triggered me.

basically, I think I’ve spent so much time processing the breach of trust and all the emotional things… but not really the actual bodily stuff of what happened to me. and I still feel so ashamed about what happened. I haven’t really fully talked about it or worked it out in my body. maybe I need to try somatic therapy. but I think just the bodily shameful aspect of it all has just been coming to the surface. it feels so present often

I think it’s been hard to process bc my abuse never felt “normal”… my teacher would make me go down on him after school, almost every day, me sitting on the couch in the back of his classroom and him standing in front of me. and then other times he’d take me to his house and use me anally… that is the thing I’m most ashamed of and don’t even know how to talk about it with my therapist. but it’s an important part… I just have mostly talked about the abuse vaguely, but the fact that he almost literally never had “regular” sex with me really plagues me… it just feels so shameful and like a secret part of me no one knows.

and idk being back in school has made this all come up for some reason. and it makes me feel really gross

do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing I still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at
14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how l should deal with this? yesterday after class a guy asked me out for coffee and I tried to just go with it but as soon as I got home I genuinely felt like I was panicking at the thought of having been around someone who was attracted to me and I couldn't calm myself down until I finally texted him to cancel the date. I feel so crushed thinking about any of this and I don't even know why I'm like this.

i was raped last night. im a freshman in college and i dont want my mom to worry by telling her, but i feel like she should know… im also just lost in general. im still in shock about what happened tbh

I guess I’m just really confused why this happened to me and was wondering if anyone has had the same experience or has some insight.
But basically what happened was my husband and I were having intercourse. My husband had grabbed my hand and pressed it against the bed, and while this happened I instantly became uncomfortable and it was almost like I had a faint memory of something horrible happening… my husband started to feel like a different person, and I tried to keep going but I couldn’t. After we stopped I just felt super uncomfortable and scared and cried. And than I think I started having a panic attack.. I just wanted to make it clear that my husband and I have always had a very consensual sex life. He has never pressured me and has always respected my boundaries.. I’m confused why this happened to my for the 2nd time.. the first time was probably around 4 months ago..

Im sorry if this is super triggering… idk what to do.

Pardon me if I don’t give a lot of details. I’m 47, and and my spouse (49) been married 23 years and there’s something that happened in my 20s that I’ve never really talked about openly. I’m posting this because I’d like some honest outside perspectives.
Back when I was in the military, I lived in the barracks. At the time, I drank pretty heavily, and this particular incident actually played a part in my decision to cut back.
One night, my friends had plans, but I decided to stay in, play video games, and drink. I’d already gone through about half a bottle of vodka when a friend who lives pretty far unexpectedly showed up with another person. The friend asked if the other person could stay with me because they had a date. I knew this person, but we weren’t particularly close, and I agreed.
We spent the evening watching movies. As the night went on, I noticed the person moving closer to me, but I didn’t think much of it. Eventually, I was extremely drunk and decided to go to bed. I offered the other person an empty bed in my room.
About ten minutes later, as I was lying there and getting ready to pass out, the person climbed into my bed and started touching me. I’m not someone who generally likes being touched unless I’m genuinely interested in the person, so I got up and moved to the empty bed.
A few minutes later, the person followed me.
This happened several times. Each time, I tried moving away, but the person kept joining me. Eventually, I said something along the lines of, “Let’s just get this over with so I can sleep.”
There happened to be condoms nearby, and we ended up having sex. Afterwards, I remember the person saying something like, “Okay, you can sleep now.”
The next morning, the friend came back, picked the person up, and that was the end of it. Nothing else happened.
I wasn’t traumatized in the way people might typically imagine when they hear that word, but I remember feeling ashamed and feeling like I’d been taken advantage of. I kept those feelings to myself for years.
Eventually, I’m married and many years have passed and I told my spouse about it. I told the story somewhat jokingly because humor is often how I deal with uncomfortable things. I wasn’t expecting a huge reaction, but I also wasn’t expecting to be laughed at and dismissed.
My spouse basically argued that if I was capable of finding and using a condom, I couldn’t have been drunk enough for it to count as assault. The implication was that I must have wanted it and was simply looking back at the situation differently now.
I didn’t argue. I laughed along, even though I was uncomfortable, and dropped the subject. But the conversation has stayed with me.
I understand that I eventually went along with what happened. I understand that I didn’t physically fight the person off. But I was extremely intoxicated, I repeatedly moved away from unwanted touching, and I eventually went along with sex because I wanted to be left alone and get some sleep.
I’ve questioned myself for years about whether I’m interpreting the situation correctly. At the time, I didn’t really know what to call it. I just knew I felt taken advantage of.
What bothers me now isn’t only what happened that night. It’s that I finally opened up to someone I trusted, and my feelings were treated like a joke.

So, I’m asking for honest perspectives: Am I wrong for feeling like I was sexually assaulted or taken advantage of? Does the fact that I eventually went along with it, or that I was able to use a condom, mean that I must have wanted it?

I’m not looking for sympathy just because I told a difficult story. I genuinely want to understand how other people see this situation, because I’ve spent a long time questioning my own feelings about it.

i said no to her probably 5-10 times. she waited til i was falling asleep and got me in her bedroom. i wanted to leave with my friends but she told them i had already left so i panicked and stayed. i told them i didn’t want to do anything and she got undressed and told me if i didn’t have sex she would make me, so i did. i struggled with the worst suicidal depression i’ve had since i was a teenager and in therapy for months after the assault. i’m still confused nearly a year removed from it. was hoping someone could reaffirm. i just feel so guilty because i could have stopped her physically, but mentally i feel as though i was taken advantage. i don’t know how long this will haunt me for.

Hi! heres my story sorta. I grew up in a very horrible household, my father started raping me when i freshly turned 6 years old, i remember waking up with him inside me. it was a nightly thing, i would wake up with him raping me every single night, maybe even day if he couldn't wait. he was also incredibly abusive, he would beat me constantly, threaten my life and has almost killed me. he isolated me for months, starved me until i would pass out. it finally stopped when i turned 10, he got arrested for beating my mom, i never told anyone this story until he was in jail. i still feel unsafe because he is now free and i run into him sometimes, im in the process of getting the police involved and im so scared that they won't believe me or do anything about it, I'm also getting help. I am obviously very fucked up and i do/think a lot of disgusting things, and i still feel so guilty. I wish I couldve done more as a child, but he told me constantly if I said anything he would find me and kill me. am i still a valid victim?

I'm not sure how detail you're allowed to be here, if it's too much you can delete.

With all the Cornell stuff coming out it's brought up a lot of feelings and how I never really processed what happened to me. It's been 10 years since it's happened and my mind can't comprehend how much time has passed. 10 years later and my heart still drops to my ass when I think I see someone who looks like him. 10 years and my partner can't casually touch me for longer than a couple minutes before I start getting uncomfortable. 10 years later and the memories of what happened still flash across my mind during intimate moments. And for some reason it's gotten worse over the last year, like I keep finding myself in moments where the memory has rendered me defenseless and I have an anxiety attack.

In the summer of 2016 I met a guy while put playing Pokémon Go with my best friend. He was 19 almost 20. I was 17 turning 18 in the fall. Things moved quickly he was showing me A LOT of interest and with being awkward and insecure around guys I thought it was nice to be liked. Things got physical fast, and I was okay with kissing and other stuff that I had done previously. But things took a turn when I put my foot down on sex wanting to wait until I was 18. He started pressuring me to go farther than I wanted to, and I didn't really object just kind of uncomfortably going along with it.

Then one day at my best friends house we were all spending the night (she lived with her dad and he was away for the summer) and he was gonna take a shower. By this point I already went wayyy further than what I wanted and I got my period so I thought I was safe, since I figured he wouldn't want to have sex with someone bleeding especially for their first time. But that wasn't the case. He called into the bathroom and I forgot exactly how the argument started but it was about sex. He started saying that he was older and already had sex before and when he has a girlfriend he expects to have sex (i was literally doing EVERYTHING but sex like why did he need more) he pulled me into the shower yelling at me.

I sat on the shower floor hugging my legs and crying, overwhelmed by everything that was going on. He noticed and his whole vibe switched. He pulled me up apologizing and kissing my face saying he didn't mean any of that. Wasn't long before he turned me around and was started rubbing himself against me. And I was just silent amd didn't know how to react. I told him he was getting too close and I could feel him "accidentally" almost go in. And at first I was like we should stop but he kept kissing and then it happened. I felt it go in, with my tampon still in. It's an indescribable feeling. Intrusive on a level beyond words. And he kept going until he realized the tampon was in. Which he then said "since already went in might as well finish". He pulled my tampon and continued until he pulled out and finished on my leg, then left me in the shower by myself, completely unfazed.

I literally didn't know what to even think or feel and to this day I'm at a loss for words and what that moment did to me. We broke up 2 months later and hung out once after the break up (still didn't realize this was rape atp) and he straight up told me my face, "Sorry for taking your virginity" how do you take someones virginity? That's rape asshole. He turned out to be a serial rapist, he went on to rape several more women after. In the same way, getting into a relationship with women fast and then pressuring them into sex and/or just straight up assaulting them. He's been arrested twice, served no time and is now in a happy relationship with another woman.

I hope he fucking dies. I needed to get this out, it's weighed so heavily on me for years. Only my current partner and best friend know about what happened. I've said I've been SA'd before to others but I never elaborate or say exactly what happened I'm still trying to afford that kind of therapy so I figured I'd try this to help a little because it's been especially hard the past couple weeks.