I just did something this morning that felt completely out of my character and i've never done this with anyone before as i've always been a people pleaser. I passed by my supervisor for the first time this month, i smiled at him, he asked "How are you?", i replied "Good", still with a smile on my face, but as soon as he was behind me, the smile was immediately switched off and i was just thinking about how sick i was of this guy. Like i was straight-faced, eye rolling at him.
For context, i'm in my 4th year, it's 3 + 1 extra because i couldn't finish on time. And yet i still feel like i might not finish on time. Why? Because i'm doing this completely on my own, with zero supervision. More context, at the beginning of this year, i told my supervisor i wanted to quit because of the stress. He insisted it would be a waste so i suggested adding another co-sup so that i'd get more help, he refused. Doctoral school told me I could change supervisor and in fact they'd help me find another one. I spent a whole month thinking about it and turned it down because I thought "he didn't help me much with the research but maybe he'll help when i write my dissertation, i mean he's not a bad guy he's just not helpful". Stupid decision btw, my sister, my boyfriend both told me "he didn't help you before, why do you think he'll help you later" and they were right, and I didn't take their advice.
This month, I start writing my dissertation, I sent him the outline of the thesis to get feedbacks but that was 2 weeks ago, that's why when i saw him today and he acted all innocent and smiley, i knew he never opened what i sent him despite being very reassuring when we discussed about it. So that's how he is, 4 years of empty promises, 4 years of "i'll look into it", 4 years of saying "yes i'll find you a conference, if you like Japan i can find you a conference in Japan no problem", I still haven't gone to a single conference, haven't published a paper and probably never will, not with his "precious help". I do not know how any of this conference, article thing work and plus i'm buried deep in my job anyways with bugs and problems that never go away, results that i feel are not worthy of being presented to anyone. So 4 years of constant lying has made me a gangster, I now don't give a fuck and just want to finish and get out with or without his help. To be even more gangster, i plan to give him the mic to ask questions during my defense because he will know my work as much as the jury would (if not less) so he can join the jury too. But well, that's a thought.
I still work very hard daily to get this done, I'm not slacking off waiting for the plane to crash, I'm working hard whether the plane crashes or not because i don't care if it crashes or not, I now only care that when it does, at least i will not feel ashamed about what i did. Is this scary as shit? Yes it fucking is, i'm under constant stress, recently i've been waking up with the recurring thought of hurting myself, nothing extreme but i did hit my chest very hard, and my arm because i always feel like i should be doing more, working harder, but i'm not. I already work 9 hours a day (not including breaks) and yet i still constantly feel like i'm not doing enough and i hit/hate myself when i can't push myself to do more. The best part is this will be over in 6 more months so i'll just have to suck it up until then and hopefully not destroy myself before then. Luckily i do have a very good support system, my boyfriend really knows how to catch me when i come crashing like a truck so i'm very grateful for that.