Is this as insane and exploitative as it feels?

[u/Safe_Director2950]

Six weeks ago, I finally moved out of a live-in nanny/housekeeper/employee situation into my own place. I have never felt happier, but now that its over, I am looking back at everything that happened and realizing how completely abnormal it was.

For context, I was working for a family where the mother also owned the business I worked at during the day.

The Financial & Work Setup:

• Pay: Way below minimum wage ( I am not comfortable with sharing as I still have a fear from the situation and am worried she might see)
• Perks covered: A room in the house, groceries, shared transport, and my university tuition (~$15k/year).
• The Hours:
  • 6:00 AM – 7:30 AM: Waking up, making breakfast, packing lunchboxes, getting kids dressed, and doing the school run.
  • 9:00 AM – 5:00 PM: Working at her commercial business.
  • 6:00 PM – 8:30 PM+: Helping with dinner, giving baths, putting kids to bed, and deep cleaning the living/dining areas.
  • Weekends: Regularly expected to be on call, clean, run domestic tasks as well as work from my laptop for her.
• Total time: Easily 14+ hour days spanning childcare, corporate work, and adult housekeeping.

The mother was notoriously erratic, stressed, and deeply insecure, treating me as her personal punching bag and domestic servant. Here are some of the things that took place:

• False Accusations: Her 4-year-old has a quirky habit of asking everyone to marry her. One day she asked her dad if he would marry me. The mom completely lost her mind, screaming and crying at both of us. Her mother pressured me until I was in tears, telling me I had to grovel and thank her for everything she’s done just to "prove" my innocence. The next day, the mom cornered me alone in the car and whispered that while her husband didn't do anything, she believed I did, saying she would "find out." When I asked how two people have sex where only one is guilty, she called me a slut.
• Workplace Humiliation: At her business, she routinely lashed out at me in front of other staff, gossiped about me to employees, and openly mocked me to undermine my professional standing.
• Isolating Me From Joy: She and her mother pressured me into quitting my 1-hour-per-week dance class, bluntly telling me, "We brought you here to work, not dance."
• Invasion of Privacy: She went through my personal belongings in my bedroom without permission and took photos of my private space.
• Appearance Police: Told me I was "ungroomed" and needed to take care of myself. When I took control of my health and lost weight, she immediately pivoted to criticizing my diet, calling it "too much."
• Holding My Future Hostage: Whenever I showed resistance or set boundaries, the mums mother would explicitly threaten to pull my university tuition and kick me out.
• Controlling Personal Relationships: She threw a massive emotional fit when I refused to cancel my Valentine’s Day plans with my boyfriend so she could go out with her friends. She was visibly bitter that my partner stayed locally instead of moving abroad, and threw a fit when I didn't invite her to my personal birthday party.
• Workplace Stalking: When I took on a separate job outside her sphere to build some independence, she was furious and literally showed up at my workplace to intimidate me.
• Forced Emotional Performance: Whenever I looked drained, sad, or exhausted from the grueling schedule, she and her mother would berate me for not smiling more, telling me I needed to look "happy and grateful" and stay invisible in the background.

I stayed as long as I did because the financial enmeshment made me feel trapped, and they constantly convinced me that I was "part of the family" and that they were doing me a massive favor.

Now that I am out, paying my own rent, and completely in control of my time, the contrast is shocking. Has anyone else experienced an employer blurring lines like this to extract endless labor and control your entire personal life?

This has also been happening for three very long years, so I am very lost in the universe at the moment. Any advice on mental health would be very appreciated. Thanks.

Update: Yes these people are my family. I did not mention that in my post because well I never really felt like we were and also, I was scared to give too much detail if they came across it and read it. 

Yes, I did use ai to help me write it. Mainly because when I did it myself, I thought it was poorly organized because English is not my first language and its a heavy and emotional subject to think about for me. 

I am still working for this person at their business just not living with them anymore. I dont know if it is really safe for me to continue that too and if I should try looking somewhere else for a job. Im worried she will try something here 

[u/AffectionateLeg1970]

This is definitely a bot.

[u/aussiegirlabroad]

Yes, this situation is insane and exploitative. This is way beyond the pay grade of this sub. I’m not sure what you need, but some blend of legal advice and therapy.

[u/Jimq45]

This has nothing to do with being a Nanny.

You may have been a nanny but the issues alledged here have nothing to do with that.

[u/OrangeGringo]

You didn’t work 14 hours a day and also attend university. ????

[u/Affectionate-Yam1156 → u/OrangeGringo]

Plus a boyfriend and enough friends to have a birthday party. With what time are they maintaining those relationships??

[u/Safe_Director2950 → u/OrangeGringo]

I put all my classes in one day because it was the only way to manage uni. My friends i met at university and my boyfriend through said friends. I was allowed to leave Friday and Saturday night around 8:30/9pm once they did not need me so that was when i could see them. She was very against my friendships and would constantly criticise my girlfriends and boyfriend.

[u/OrangeGringo → u/Safe_Director2950]

Yeah. Ok.

[u/aeonteal]

i saw your comment in the other thread that this was your family member (not sure why you don’t mention that but…). anyway. this is horrible. hope you don’t have to interact with that person too much anymore. sheesh.

[u/AliceInReverse]

You are describing wage theft among other issues. An employment attorney could help you, but it would be expensive. I just want to validate you that you were treated horribly

[u/hybrid0404]

That's employment attorney territory.

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[u/Unusual_Egg6881]

This is a horrific situation. If what the other commenter said is true that this family could be extended family, then it’s even more tragic. They seem to have some sort of savior complex.

I see how financially it was beneficial for you (for studies, not your below minimum wages) but mentally, physically and emotionally this seems to be a very draining situation with health impacts.

I’ve worked briefly for people who controlled every minute of my day whether it was work hours or beyond. I never worked in quite your situation, but I can empathize with how you must’ve felt and were manipulated.

The first step you took to come out and live on your own terms is the best decision you made. It will take time for you to find your new normal. Use this as a foundation to set up certain personal principles and boundaries in place so you never have to go through something so extreme.

Read, watch, or listen to any media that teaches about coming out of learned helplessness, narcissistic abuse and manipulation. This will help you recognize behaviors and tactics that certain people use to cause harm.

One of the mental dialogues that helped me own myself was when if a thought popped in my head that’d sound like my abusers I’d pause and think what do I understand? How do I want to approach this? What would make me feel safe in my own body?

I’d also document everything while it’s fresh in your mind in a book or document on your drive. It helps get everything out and you have a record of what transpired if ever you need it. Writing like this helped my brain mentally delete events slowly and helped me walk a path that I wanted to be on.

Doing small things every day for myself helped me immensely to gain the understanding and confidence that I matter. It could be anything like taking your time having coffee and a snack in a cafe, or spending a few hours in the library, or taking yourself out on a date, or even sitting on a park bench enjoying the breeze or sunset, even hiking will help clear your head.

All of my suggestions come from personal experiences and healing journey. I hope this helps you too.

Try your best to focus on yourself. Good luck!

[u/eastcoasterv]

This reads as human trafficking. Im sorry OP.

[u/frgkh]

You should cut ties then make all of this public including her full name and business title.

[u/Safe_Ocelot_4305]

Run

[u/PenaltyStreet1286]

This sounds similar to indentured servitude! It’s hard to see these things when you’re in them, which is wild to you looking back on it, I’m sure. I’m glad you made it out, but with almost getting no actual pay, I bet it feels like starting over with nothing in a way.

[u/PenaltyStreet1286 → u/PenaltyStreet1286]

And yes. As others say: I’d consult a lot of professionals about this if you can. Do you have any type of records for hours worked or compensation received??

[u/Safe_Director2950 → u/PenaltyStreet1286]

I do. I have many text messeges to prove too. The issue is we are related (the country we come from originally is very family-oriented, traditional and sometimes sexist) and I am still working for her commercial business

[u/curious_girl_85]

I was a live in nanny for about six years. You give up on yourself after years of abuse and isolation. Every day is so long and goes so fast at the same time. The parents watch everything on the cameras then criticize your every move. You have to show up every day with a smile and a can-do attitude while completely dead inside. The family I worked for specifically said they wanted to hire someone out of state for the live in position because they wanted someone without a family or circle of friends around. They think because they offered you a room in their house you are their slave. Everything is expected and no is not an option. They never compensate you for extra hours but will deduct every penny from your check if you had a sick day or if you had an appointment. After 6 years of work I got a 25$ gift card to target as my Christmas gift (my current family gave my a 2,000$ check for Christmas). They just take and take without considering that you are a human being and not their slave. And then, the kids and wife are too much for the dad so he is never around, but finds time out of his day to approach me and hit on me, and even ask if I’m interested. I had to ignore this happened because I had nowhere to go, I lived with them. I couldn’t speak up. I was suffering inside and had to show up like I was greatful for them. I still wake up in cold sweats with nightmares that I’m still trapped there. I would rather live on the streets in a dark ally then EVER be a live in nanny again.

[u/Agreeable_Dark6408 → u/curious_girl_85]

I’m so sorry reading your account, curious-girl. Some people have no souls to speak of, at all. And why the eff did someone downvote you? Whoever you are out there, you’re an AH.

[u/NoAdhesiveness8206]

Damn, I thought I had it bad but this sounds like a horror movie. I’m so sorry and SO happy you left

[u/Agreeable_Dark6408]

Are you paid more than minimum wage to work for them, OP. Are they still paying your university bill? How did you have time to go to school or study?

[u/Great_Ninja_1713]

Are you being trafficked? That's basically all I see here. Are you in UK?

[u/These-Buy-4898 → u/Great_Ninja_1713]

OP said on another post that this was a family member. Sounds like a lot of personal issues here, but absolutely nothing like trafficking. OP was getting free room and board, free food, free transportation plus 15k a year for her education. Those are not small perks and equal to a far larger salary than most people get, regardless of her actual hourly pay. 

Since she was working for a family member (not sure why she left this part out here), it sounds more like she had a bad work environment, but both parties were taking advantage of one another,  nothing like trafficking where only one party is gaining, while the other is completely exploited. 

[u/khurt007 → u/These-Buy-4898]

It sounds like she really couldn’t leave (tried to get about job and was essentially stalked, paid so little she couldn’t feasibly afford to move). This definitely could be considered labor trafficking.

Human trafficking doesn’t require use of physical force; coercion is also a means to traffic. And providing food, shelter, and transportation doesn’t mean it’s not trafficking - that’s literally the bare minimum you would need to do to continue keeping someone alive to extract labor from them. $15k in annual tuition is negligible relative to 14 hour days 6 days per week.

[u/Safe_Director2950 → u/khurt007]

Everyone is saying it is trafficking and I have been looking into that and well it does sound like it. The thing is, I have been on my own for the past 5 weeks maybe and I feel that I am lost in the universe. Those people were really close to me at one point and I knew them my whole life. Most of the people that were around while that was happening were women. I dont understand. I am unable to afford therapy costs because I am still trying to get on my feet. But I just have a hard time trusting. I feel like I am a whole different person and do not know how to get my old self back.

[u/Great_Ninja_1713 → u/These-Buy-4898]

Hmm why would yoi get down voted for this. Surely I am next.

[u/Great_Ninja_1713 → u/These-Buy-4898]

I see your points and khur 007 and am taking inspiration from both. The way below minimum wage comment may have been meant to alarm and garner attention and it worked.

then I was like room, board and school tuition wow what a deal. Before you mentioned family member I was thinking that she and family are from the same cultural background and that this is different from the host country where theyre at.

I still say smells like trafficking or debt bandage because you can be trafficked and be paid. It's the coercion , pressure that signals it for me in this case. And she also has fear still though she appears to be free.

Hope she'll be ok

[u/Agreeable_Dark6408 → u/These-Buy-4898]

I do not see how on earth OP was taking advantage of these people, at all, These-Buy.

[u/These-Buy-4898 → u/Agreeable_Dark6408]

Not taking advantage, but gaining something. A lot of people are dependent on their jobs for room and board, food, education, etc. it doesn't mean they're being trafficked as their both gaining something from the arrangement. I worked with actual trafficking victims and comments like this are just aggravating. Words have meaning. Calling something trafficking because their family member is being rude and they depend on them for their living expenses, does not make a person trafficked and nothing in OP's post implys that either. 

[u/Agreeable_Dark6408 → u/These-Buy-4898]

I never said anything about trafficking at all.