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u/WhatMattersHere 5d ago
You may not need to change your spending habits dramatically. It might be easier to start by separating money that's already committed to your family's financial security from money you've deliberately set aside to enjoy.
At roughly $9,980 take home and $4.5-5k in monthly expenses, you're currently saving a substantial amount. Adding even $200 a month for restaurants or family experiences would still leave most of that surplus intact.
You could agree on a small monthly budget with your spouse that's specifically meant to be spent, then see how it feels over a few months. The goal isn't to become less disciplined. It's to recognize that spending within a plan isn't the same as losing financial control.
One financial assumption I'd double check is the $550k growing to $3M by age 60-61. Over 20 years, that requires roughly 9% annual returns without additional contributions. Your ongoing savings could make the target more achievable, but it's worth including those contributions explicitly rather than relying on one growth estimate.
You can be conservative about long-term projections while still giving yourself permission to enjoy some of today's surplus.And if the fear of spending remains just as strong even after you've established clear financial boundaries, that may be something worth addressing separately from the numbers.Your kids aren't going to be this age forever. A few more family experiences don't have to come at the expense of the future you've worked to build.
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u/tjyoo213 4d ago
The issue for OP isn’t the surplus of x amount but what the family might conform to if the “finer” and “nicer” things in life do in fact continue and that it may spiral downward trajectory with how they understand about money overall. Eating out once a week often becomes ordinary, convenient, and too comfortable to do. Then that becomes twice, three times a week, and etc. The OP is saying that trend isn’t what he is about. Think driving a nice car. Once you do, it becomes hard to downgrade. The mind now becomes limitless of what it wants and needs.
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u/Iess7 5d ago
Can't take it with ya friend. I'm frugal too but canned tuna on a vacation? Set aside a few hundred bucks a month and have fun. Sometimes getting it in cash and spending it that way is easier than with a card. It's spent and done with.
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u/scolbert08 5d ago
Eating out every meal while on vacation is stupid expensive and unhealthy
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u/MrLB____ 3d ago
Eating out?!?!? ITS DEFINITELY UNHEALTHY,,,, we call restaurant food WEIGHT GAINER in the fitness community.
TRUE
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u/GFit11 5d ago
I’m more worried about the kids. Going on a vacation and eating canned tuna is heartbreaking.
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u/blahblahblahorange 5d ago
Give me a break. Not heartbreaking. Not learning to save is heartbreaking.
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u/First_Detective6234 5d ago
They eat well, we eat tuna and salads we make etc.
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u/GFit11 5d ago
While eating canned tuna with a salad on vacation definitely counts as eating well it doesn’t sound like enjoying that time together, making memories (including restaurants and food at the places you visit) and just relaxing about money for a brief vacation. Honestly it sounds like stress and the kids are only kids once. I absolutely love traveling the world with my kids and it’s my biggest splurge because of the memories it makes.
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u/cghffbcx 5d ago
So they eat out? No one is accusing you of not feeding them well or not providing. Get therapy. You’re already defending.
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u/brergnat 5d ago
Sell the extra houses. Add the money to your investments. You will easily make more return on it that way. You are fearful because you have a lot of liability with those homes and being a landlord.
You don't need to be saving as aggressively as you are. Learn how to spend money before you die without having lived a proper life.
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u/Rudajuda 5d ago
I don’t know if OP works in a field like engineering or any related field, but I’m smelling engineer here somewhere. I’m not saying OP is wrong, or needs therapy.
Everyone I know in technical fields where conserving resources is just part of the culture has some form of scarcity mindset.
Funny story: One of my relatives is a mechanical engineer. He’s very close to his parents. He complained that his mom still makes dinners with foods only from the freezer, boxes and cans.
She has a math background. Both he and his parents combined NW is $5mil or more with zero debt anywhere. Total acres owned is around 30. No side hustles for income. They live like the Great Depression could start at any moment.
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u/OCDano959 5d ago
Just gotta come to accept that you can always make more money, but you can’t make more time. Especially, with loved ones.
Spend on things that make experiences really memorable and “spend” more time with your family. I guarantee your kids will treasure those memories more than a bigger estate.
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u/Informal_Register365 5d ago
I’m a couple years younger than you.
At some point your investments dwarf everything in your life. I used to be annoyed my wife wanted a $5 Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee every day. But I’ll gain or lose $20,000 in the market that day which is essentially luck. Does the coffee matter, at all?
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u/Mental-Wolf-2560 5d ago
My ex and I got into a huge fight once bc she wanted a flavor shot in her $1 coffee that would have cost an extra 50 cents. Since the coffee was a gift she should have been happy with how I offered it (withiut the flavor shot). I regret nothing.
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u/Informal_Register365 5d ago
Did you have millions of dollars in investments? If so I’d say she dodged the bullet…
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u/DAWG13610 5d ago
I was like you, then one day my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. 6 months to live. Thank God we went out of state and found some good doctors. She’s had 10 matatasies and she’s still alive. We now live day to day and enjoy what we can. Time is pretty fucking short but we do what we can. Learn the lesson. Knife is about balance.
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u/Clueless5001 5d ago
I was thinking you were doing fine and no need to overspend until I got to canned tuna on vacation! We have never done that but we also did not have your net worth at your age. We always lived well on vacation, not crazy because we tried to use mileage cards and so on but ate nice meals. When we went to Hawaii, last time almost 20 years ago, we went in the off season, stayed in a condo (for reasons other than money, it had access to the hotel waterpark but was cheaper for us because of a large family) and bought ingredients at Costco. However, we did go out every other night or so. Think of it as you are only in this place once or once a year or whatever, try to enjoy it
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u/Tiny-Party2857 5d ago
I was in the same boat. When my daughter in law told me she was going to use any inheritance to fly first class on vacation I thought wth? If that is how she is planning on squandering my son's inheritance I need to figure out a different way of living. I was recently diagnosed with kidney disease, part of the maintenance of the disease is a particular diet. I have chose to buy only organic food. Because of my diet, when we go out to eat I must find a place that can accommodate such and it is typically upscale. We are planning a trip that will be overseas and I plan on going business class. Life is short. My mom died when I was 10. My dad died this year. My step mother isn't well. I plan on going out the smartest way possible. Enjoy the money. 20 years ago, we spent $19K on a six week trip to Europe with our kids and it was the best money I ever spent. They got the feeling that they can navigate in the world, they saw history, culture, geology, transportation differences and languages spoken. Money is a tool. I used to worry about college for my kids, they both got full rides all the way through grad school in the sciences. Sure we helped out with fees, cars, phones etc but the bulk was covered. Plan and enjoy
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u/DetachedConscious 5d ago
Maine tf. You got mills in your accounts. You AIN’T broke. go and get yo fun on
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u/SFMattM 5d ago
We have an investable net worth of over $4M. It took a while to give ourselves permission to spend money. We're making good progress :)
Start by buying better quality stuff - not throwing out your current stuff - just replacing it with better stuff as needed. Upgrade your travel. Do a renovation on the house. Up your charitable giving...
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u/_-lizzy 5d ago
well, i can tend to lean toward you but it sounds like your spouse may be the same; otherwise, why is your spouse putting up with eating beef jerky in vacation? when I want to cheap out, my husband pulls me out of it. is your spouse? or are you birds of a feather? because if you’re both this way, why change? you’re not hurting anyone (but your blood pressure with all that cheap processed food).
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u/ActiveDinner3497 5d ago
We usually do one nice breakfast, one nice lunch, and one nice dinner, when we vacation. The rest of the time I cook or we eat sandwiches or whatever. Candidly, the kids like the blend of comfort food with special meals.
Maybe plan it that way and do NOT allow guilt during or afterwards. Focus on the experience with your family and their enjoyment.
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u/SpeedBreaks 5d ago
I have almost all the same stats as you minus a kid and 8m paying for my wife to go to school right now. We have a high networth but we dont have a high income. Everything is expensive these days. Money is tight and you have to stay being frugal or earn a higher income if you wan't to keep investing.
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u/JeanSchlemaan 3d ago
I think how you live is healthy. That's it. Waaaaay too much waste in our country.
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u/turbulentFireStarter 5d ago
That’s not nearly a high enough net worth to consider no longer thinking about scarcity… 500k is not very much liquid assets. You have $1.4m in real estate… 3/4 of your net worth is not liquid. You’re not in bad shape but you are no where near being post-scarcity.
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5d ago
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u/evey_17 5d ago
What was your childhood like? How did your parents handle money? I have found some of my anxiety to have roots in childhood. Some of it is the responsibility of another human being. In my case, I am fully caregiving my h so all responsibility lies on my shoulders right now. Understanding this helps.
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u/Captnmac12 5d ago
I recommend the same thing you most likely did to get into this position. Just like how you allocated money regularly for investments and the like. Allocate money for fun every paycheck start small even just 10 or 20 a week work your way up to a reasonable amount. The entire reason you save money is for security and a good life. Brother you've already won! Congratulations go enjoy it
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u/AlternativeSharp3854 5d ago
Well, if you want to die with millions and never enjoy it then suit yourself mane. May as well have saved yourself all that work in that case
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u/bob49877 5d ago
Just set a budget for eating out and fun. On vacations we would often have sandwiches for lunch and grocery store snacks in the car, then go out for dinner some place reasonably nice.
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u/joer1973 5d ago
I am similar but me and my kids(now in college) dont splurge. I buy used cars, cheap clothes. Dont spend much on vacations and always looking for deals. Im divorced and raised my kids solo. Their college is costing me 600k- stuff like that is what i enjoy spending my money on. Fine dinners with just the 3 of us for all our birthdays is the one thing we do spend money on.
I have had thoughts like you as to why. But then i think, am i happy? And I am. I enjoy my life and knowing ill always be able to help my kids out no matter what goes wrong or life throws at them- they will always have a safety net to catch them and put them back on their feet. Im early 50s, gonna retire around 57ish and do some traveling untill my grandkids are born.
.
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u/econ0003 5d ago
My wife and I have a higher net worth and much higher income than you yet we still spend money like we did when we were broke in our 20s. We are perfectly happy not going on a expensive vacations every year, rarely eating out, or making big purcheses. Neither one of us likes to spend money and we are perfectly happy living that way.
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u/PPJJ99 5d ago
What do you guys do for a living?!
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u/econ0003 5d ago
I work as a software engineer and my wife does third party risk management.
I believe that your habit of saving has wired your brain to want to continue to behave that way even thoug you have enough money to start spending. Habits, good or bad, are hard to break. I think that is why my wife and I are more happy saving our money then spending it.
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u/WayneKrane 5d ago
Can you try budgeting? I have a HARD time spending money if it’s not specifically earmarked for something. I would see my total balance going down and then not be able to spend any money. Now, I put money in other accounts specifically designated for spending on vacation or a car or whatever. That has helped
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u/No_Solution_7940 5d ago
I’m still kind of like that, but that’s how I got to almost 2M net worth. Maybe when I get to 10M I can relax a little, but growing up pretty broke is still in the back of my mind
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u/NoAd7400 5d ago
Lay off of the throttle some. Food is one of the great pleasures in life. Make some memories around that.
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u/Extra-Blueberry-4320 5d ago
We are 46 and 45 with a NW of $2.2M, yet we live on $35k a year and invest the rest, plus we plan to retire a little early and that is why we are being so conservative now. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with living way below your means, just that you have extra money to do things with later on.
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u/WorkingCamera2712 4d ago
Change nothing except eat out a bit more especially on vacation. You’re doing well, enjoy it. Those kids will grow up and you’ll have to pay for college and weddings but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the smaller things in life like good meals
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u/max2jc 4d ago
I was in the same boat and the unwind is a slow, gradual process taking small, sustainable steps one at a time. Started by putting whatever I wanted in my grocery cart without paying much attention to prices. Next was going out to more restaurants. Next was business class seats and better hotels on international trips. All of these choices didn’t make much of a dent to my overall finances and goals, so I knew I could be a little more “reckless” with my spending. Obviously, YMMV.
In your case, do you actually want to eat at nice restaurants? Try it and see what happens to your finances. Try choosing convenience on your next vacation by not bringing prepared food and see what happens. But you actively have to make those choices rather than passively falling back to your old set ways.
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u/Hungry-Following5561 4d ago
Maybe you need a giving strategy. What do you care about the most that sacrificing in order to give will be fulfilling to you? I turned my scarcity mindset into college savings for my kids. After that I might start saving up for my grandchildren’s college. I hate the idea of my kids graduating with $100,000-200,000 of debt. What a hard way to get started in life. If I had more I would entertain other giving avenues. I don’t want to live a frugal life just to die with the biggest lump sum.
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u/xcrunner2414 4d ago
Hey, I hear ya! I have multi-million net worth also, but I’m single with no dependents. I still prepare 90% of the food I eat, hardly ever go to decent restaurants, still have my $150 couch and $200 bed.
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u/IndependentGuilty696 4d ago
don't die without enjoying some of the $$ you worked so hard for... you can set a monthly fun $ budget and still retire comfortably. at the same time, know that your frugalness helped get you where you are, and maintain those habits, but also know you can afford restaurant salad on vacation. it's not like that's a new weekly expense; it's a treat bc you're on vacation.
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3d ago
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u/Past-Option2702 5d ago
My wife and I did a road trip with my parents recently (each of us have a net worth over 10M) and for lunch we are the Hampton Inn take out bags they put out in the morning.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s more normal that you might think. Just try to find joy in whatever it is you do for leisure and if you can’t that’s the point to seek some help.
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u/brergnat 5d ago
Dude.
What? You also need some therapy.
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u/Past-Option2702 5d ago
Nah. I have a new Porsche and a new Lexus in the garage. You worry about you and let me live my life my way.
People are flat slobs because they eat too much.
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u/PPJJ99 5d ago
What do you guys do for a living?!
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u/Past-Option2702 5d ago
We’re retired now.
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u/Mr2hard101 4d ago
What about before I’m making 200k yr I need to quit my job how to make more money
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u/Past-Option2702 4d ago
You need to start a business and give up everything you enjoy doing for leisure for about a decade or so. Figure you’ll work 50-70 hours a week. Mostly 70.
After you’ve done that really well, hopefully you’ll be ramping up to 200k saved over the following ten years (as long as you don’t ramp up your lifestyle in lockstep).
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u/Head_reciever88 5d ago
You’re honestly average to slightly behind with inflation. Sorry to tell you
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u/ITGuyInMass 8h ago
You're fine. Don't listen to people who say you need therapy. Not everyone needs therapy. If you had therapy you'd be broke and not have that fuel to fire your mission of getting money. We know why you have this mindset and it's ok. I know lots of broke losers who had therapy and their whole life is crap compared to yours. You got it made and should be proud of yourself. You can give your kids a better life than you had growing up but make sure to teach them to value the money you worked your ass off for.
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u/JustJennE11 5d ago edited 5d ago
You need some therapy. Seriously. Working with a mental health professional helped me address the root cause of my scarcity mindset. It doesn't mean that I'm perfect, but I'm better. And continue to get better. If you really want to fix this you need someone who can give you some objectivity and skills.