Official Guidelines for Conducting Yourself as a Manchester City Supporter
Following recent concerns from Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United supporters, it has become clear that Manchester City fans require additional guidance on how to behave appropriately.
Fortunately, supporters of these three clubs have generously appointed themselves the moral guardians of English football, and it would be disrespectful not to acknowledge their authority.
1. Celebrating goals
Manchester City supporters must refrain from celebrating goals until permission has been granted by fans of Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United.
A polite round of applause may be considered, but only once the goal has been independently assessed for financial irregularities.
2. Celebrating victories
Winning football matches is not, in itself, sufficient grounds for happiness.
City supporters must first consider whether the result has caused emotional distress to supporters of historically significant football clubs.
If so, celebrations should be postponed indefinitely.
3. Discussing trophies
City supporters are reminded that trophies won by Manchester City do not count and must not be brought up in football discussions.
The legitimacy of any trophy is determined exclusively by whichever Liverpool or United supporter you happen to be arguing with.
Arsenal supporters may also participate, provided the conversation does not involve European Cups.
4. Expressing opinions
City fans are permitted to have opinions about football, provided those opinions have been checked and approved by supporters of clubs with a greater number of Twitter followers.
Disagreement with a Liverpool, Arsenal or United supporter is considered evidence of sportswashing.
5. Attending matches
City supporters must provide photographic evidence of their attendance, including a timestamp, GPS coordinates and a photograph of themselves holding that day's newspaper.
Failure to do so will result in immediate classification as a plastic fan.
Those who do attend must maintain a wholly solemn demeanour throughout. Smiling, cheering or displaying any outward signs of enjoyment may be interpreted as an attempt to legitimise financial misconduct.
6. Showing respect for football's traditions
City fans must respect the traditions established by English football's most prestigious institutions.
These include breaking transfer records, spending hundreds of millions on players and expanding commercial revenues.
However, City supporters must understand that these activities are only acceptable when undertaken by clubs who were already wealthy.
7. Responding to rival supporters
When told that City's achievements mean nothing, City supporters should simply thank the individual for taking time out of their day to explain this for the 4,000th time.
Under no circumstances should City supporters point out that people who genuinely believe something is meaningless rarely spend eight hours a day talking about it.
8. Understanding the independent moral hierarchy
Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal supporters are to be treated as independent, impartial authorities on all matters involving Manchester City.
Their decades of rivalry with City, personal dislike of the club and direct competitive interests do not constitute a conflict of interest.
Suggesting otherwise is deeply disrespectful.
9. Liverpool
10. Accepting the correct level of punishment
City supporters must accept that any punishment proposed by a rival supporter is both proportionate and legally sound.
Points deductions, relegation, expulsion and the retrospective removal of trophies are all considered reasonable starting positions.
The precise punishment will be determined by the number of angry replies beneath the latest unhinged journalist's tweet, which shall be treated as an authoritative interpretation of Premier League regulations.
Questioning whether any of these punishments are actually available under the relevant regulations is considered further evidence of guilt.
11. Accepting collective responsibility
Manchester City supporters are reminded that they are personally responsible for all decisions made by the club's ownership, executives and legal representatives.
Not knowing the details of a financial transaction undertaken in 2011 is no defence.
Supporters are expected to have maintained comprehensive records of all sponsorship agreements, commercial arrangements and accounting practices throughout this period.
Failure to produce these documents upon request from an Arsenal fan on Reddit will be interpreted as an admission of guilt.
12. Respecting the appeals process
City supporters must understand that whilst the right to appeal is a fundamental principle of justice, exercising that right is considered deeply inappropriate when Manchester City are involved.
Any attempt to challenge a decision must be regarded as further evidence of wrongdoing, irrespective of the legal arguments presented.
Supporters are reminded that the correct outcome of an appeal has already been determined by Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United fans, rendering the involvement of qualified legal professionals both entirely unnecessary and a flagrant waste of Premier League resources.
13. Manchester United
14. Demonstrating appropriate remorse
Following any Manchester City victory, supporters must demonstrate a suitable degree of remorse.
Acceptable responses include apologising to the opposition, acknowledging that the result is morally questionable and promising not to enjoy the next match.
Supporters must not attempt to justify their happiness by referring to events that actually took place on the football pitch.
15. Knowing when to remain silent
City supporters must understand that silence is not an acceptable response to allegations, as it demonstrates complicity.
Equally, responding to allegations is not acceptable, as it demonstrates a desperate attempt to defend the indefensible.
Supporters are therefore advised to remain silent while simultaneously issuing a full and unconditional apology.
Failure to comply will be taken as further evidence of guilt.
16. Enjoying football
Ultimately, Manchester City supporters are reminded that football is supposed to be enjoyed.
Just not by you.
Your role is to buy tickets, preferably not attend matches, support your team quietly and apologise whenever they win.
Should you accidentally experience happiness, please report yourself to the nearest Liverpool, Arsenal or Manchester United supporter for immediate correction.
17. Discussing football matches
City supporters must understand that the events taking place during a football match are largely irrelevant to any subsequent discussion.
Attempts to discuss tactics, individual performances or particularly well-worked goals should be discouraged.
Supporters are reminded that the appropriate response to any Manchester City highlight is to mention the charges, regardless of whether they have any relevance to the footage.
18. Recognising the importance of context
City supporters must recognise that all achievements, performances and results must be viewed in their proper context.
In practice, this means that positive developments involving Manchester City should be immediately qualified, dismissed or attributed to financial expenditure.
Negative developments, however, may be discussed entirely on their own merits.
19. Tottenham Hotspur
City supporters must recognise Tottenham Hotspur as another vital guardian of English football's sporting integrity.
While Tottenham supporters may not always participate in discussions concerning winning trophies, they remain exceptionally well qualified to advise others on how those trophies should be won.
Their current league position must not be interpreted as a reflection of their expertise.
Indeed, their willingness to prioritise the moral integrity of the competition over their own participation in it is to be commended.
20. Manchester City
City supporters must acknowledge that 20th place is the club's rightful position in the Premier League table.
Supporters should understand that finishing bottom of the league with a mere minus 300 points would still represent an unacceptable degree of leniency. As a result all future matches involving the club are meaningless.
Thank you for your cooperation.
These guidelines are subject to change without notice, depending on Manchester City's latest result and the emotional wellbeing of rival supporters.
I really want to hate Enzo for his past racist bullshit but this man continues to win me over moment by moment by moment. At this point, I’m ready to forgive him for any future offenses.
I almost enjoyed this post, but then I remembered that I deserve no happiness. Gonna go find a United fan (unlikely so far out from London) to appropriately chastise me.
Don’t forget that all city fans MUST accept NO LESS than the club’s relegation to the Northern Counties League. Refusal to comply will result in personal insults and mass downvoting.
I don’t feel comfortable watching matches on the TV when I’m alone unless I am accompanied by a United or Liverpool supporter. The reason for this is so that way I can be reminded all Man City goals and wins are meaningless and not to be celebrated by Man City supporters.
I only watch games with a United or Liverpool fan so they can remind me that the goals they score are more important because they won the league in 1981 and therefore deserves to win it again this year too.
You read it and laugh because it's obviously massively exaggerated sarcastic satire. Then you think about it and realise you've read pretty much every point said seriously from some outraged cretin already.
Thank you mods. I was appalled, nay, horrified, by the vile and heinous celebrations in the post match thread last Sunday. How dare we?
I would like to suggest a final point, Man City supporters, when entering a discussion with Manchester United, Arsenal, or Liverpool fans about the charges and more specifically the punishment must, after having acquired the appropriate approval to enter such a conversation from an independently-appointed Red Cartel supporter, only agree with the opposing viewpoints and must only suggest harsher punishments for the club. Rationalising must be strictly prohibited and is to be considered a crime against humanity.
You can't keep abusing and shaming people and expect them to just sit down and accept it. Then get mad when they respond by winning on the pitch at an away venue where everyone in the league wanted them to lose. Clutching pearls at the mode of celebration and saying "what does it mean". You were beaten on the pitch, go cry to your pillows
I, too, found it incredibly embarrassing that the city fans were so much louder than the Liverpool fans on Sunday. The nerve to celebrate a 3-0 win that clearly only occurred because the ref was from Ashton-under-Lyne. It was so disrespectful to the establishment, and the way city fans drowned out the famous Anfield atmosphere was disgusting.
Everyone thought we were going to lose the match and they would enjoy it so much. But fuck all. It feels so good man. And our fans man, they deserve an award. Rivals just lost the plot at this point lmao.
Is this stickied?? Can it be stickied so all those great rival fans can see our compliance. I hope they appreciate the lengths we are willing to go make sure they are happy!
Also. r/soccer wont have this but i bet r/premierleague would let it stand haha. Just kiding.
We have been equipped with the necerssary skills to enter those 2 subs. Thankyou!
Manchester City fans must immediately dispose of all their bananas. Referring to the charges as simply another “dark time” in the club’s history is an affront to all the clubs from whom they have stolen glory and memories.
Mods please let us post. Please stop removing our posts unless it's appreciation posts/social media clips etc. Please let us post, it's frustrating when you don't let us share anything except the unvisited depths of discussion threads.
Dont forget your new mantra....'We are the biggest disgrace the national game has ever seen. We have brought the sport, and the nation into disrepute'.
Try not to focus on Liverpool, United, and Arsenal. Bayern Munich despise you more than those clubs' supporters do. You disgust fans of Derby, Dortmund, Dundee, and Deportivo alike.
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u/BlueMoon1795 1d ago
This is really funny, the absolute head loss from everyone when we smashed Liverpool was amazing and it still continues 😂