I’m a woman in my 30s, married, and living in the San Francisco Bay Area. My husband and I have a six-month-old baby. I’m starting to suspect that he may be cheating on me, and I’m trying to figure out how to establish the truth rather than continue second-guessing myself.

There are several things that, individually, might have innocent explanations. But together, they have made me increasingly suspicious.

1. Frequent ATM cash withdrawals

He regularly withdraws cash from ATMs, usually a couple of hundred dollars at a time. When I ask him about it, he says he needs the cash for tips and miscellaneous expenses. I don’t know exactly where the money goes.

1. A discrepancy with his massage package

He enjoys getting massages, and we occasionally go together for couples massages at a legitimate establishment. I have no issue with him getting massages.

The concern is that he purchased a 10-session massage package, but he appears to have visited for more than 10 sessions. However, the massage pass doesn’t show those additional visits as attended. I don’t understand how that discrepancy can be explained.

1. Massage appointments close to closing time

He tends to visit massage places shortly before they close. He says they accept clients at the last minute, sometimes right before closing. I find this explanation questionable, especially when the appointments are so close to closing time.

1. An unexplained $1,000 withdrawal

In January this year, he withdrew $1,000 in cash. I have no idea where that money went.

1. A $200 withdrawal and a suspicious October outing

He withdrew another $200 in September.

In October, while he was on paternity leave, he said he was going on an off-site outing with his office colleagues. About an hour before he left, I asked him where they were going. He said he would find out later. I found that strange because I would have expected him to know the location or have some idea of the plan.

When he returned, he told me that dinner at an upscale restaurant had been cancelled and that the group had eaten at McDonald’s instead.

I checked his phone’s location history and saw that he had spent approximately an hour at a residential apartment before going to McDonald’s and then coming home.

I have no independent confirmation of what happened at that apartment or who he met there. But the combination of the unexplained stop, the vague plans, and the story about dinner has made me very suspicious.

What I’m struggling with

Whenever I question him, I get explanations, but the inconsistencies remain. I don’t want to accuse him of something this serious without understanding what actually happened. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore warning signs or spend months being lied to.

I have a six-month-old baby, and I need to think clearly about my future and my child’s well-being.

For those who have been through something similar:

\- What would you make of these circumstances? Am I overlooking plausible explanations, or are these reasonable grounds for concern?

\- How can I establish what is actually happening without relying on guesswork or getting drawn into endless arguments and denials?

\- Are there lawful, practical ways to verify what happened during that apartment visit or investigate the unexplained massage visits?

\- Would hiring a licensed private investigator in the San Francisco Bay Area be worthwhile in this situation?

\- If you discovered that your spouse was cheating, what evidence was most useful in establishing the truth?

I’m looking for practical advice from people who have dealt with similar situations, particularly those with experience in California. Please be honest with me, even if you think there may be innocent explanations. I want to know how to approach this intelligently and protect myself and my baby while figuring out what is really going on.

Please see: everything we have, financially is in a joint account. Savings in banks, stocks, our house, cars etc

I was in love. Met this guy from another country, I thought they were unique. We fell in love, and got married a year later. 2023 was the wedding day, and that same year I started to work towards his US visa. He didn’t know I was a US citizen since I’m Hispanic and don’t live in the US. In the beginning everything went smoothly. He constantly sweared he was gonna help me out with everything. Regardless of distance. As the months went by he slowly became less and less reliable. Lost his job. And I kept pushing through. Lawyer fees, helping him and his family. Paying for English classes. Paying for him to go out sometimes and hang with his friends. Bills slowly started to pile up, and I kept fighting for him. I worked 100-115hrs bi weekly from 2023-2025. He finally arrived on early January 2025. That1st and only year was hell. He started to treat me horribly, make fun of me and my body. Which I had left go a bit cause of the stress. He got a job like 6 months later, he lied about how much he earned. Constantly asking me for money n stuff. By the end of the year one day he got home with an iPhone 17 Pro Max fully paid, he bought it himself. And he shelved the iPhone 16 I was still paying for. Christmas came, I got him a couple of gifts, and even gave some to my family. Was able to save up a bit for this. He got mad, said he was humiliated cause he got me nothing and it was my fault. So he gave me the iPhone 16 and an apple watch I bought him a couple of years earlier and told everyone he bought me that stuff. He kept mistreating me more and more. On late January, 2026 I was looking for a new apartment, asked him to please be ready. He didn’t get home, and arrived home late and hungover. Lost the realtor appointment. Went to the mall just to distract myself, was feeling extremely frustrated, exhausted and almost dead inside. He called a few hours later, that the breakfast I gave him wasn’t very good, and demanding that I wasn’t home. He usually got like this while drunk or hangover. Got home. Ignored him. Later started to cook, he joined in, trying to act like nothing happened. My sister called, she saw him having oral sex with another guy, one that I really disliked and asked him to please avoid him months earlier.

Confronted him. He denied. Pressured him till he admitted to only masturbate with the guy. I broke down, clearly that was another lie. Asked him to leave. Haven’t seen him since.

He hid in another state, refused ti sign divorce papers and kept asking me to take him back while living with that guy. Eventually went no contact, he was starting to try to bribe me for me to stayed married, apparently he didn’t wanna get deported cause he didn’t want to feel shame in his home country, and he burned a lot of bridges when he left. Even insulted people apparently.

I went ahead and started proceedings without him, a bit more expensive and slow but I’m fine with that. Recently he’s been trying to get his family to contact me to know if we are getting divorced and if I can take him back. I never answer, just keep blocking.

Divorce is still happening, and I feel very tired. Been slowly fixing my finances, gym, writing, reconnecting with friends and my art projects, learning new things, therapy. Everything that is possible and good. I still think about him, I feel guilty, bug even my therapist has told me that it is on him. That I can’t expect water from someone who doesn’t have any.

It’s been nine months, and I still feel stupid. Used, manipulated, exploited. His visa expires soon. He can’t do shit without my signature. And the divorce is basically starting to happen now. I only wanted to love, to care for him, to help him grow, to even help him with his goals. He never learned English, he never went to the army as he constantly swore he would, he barely gave me money for bills. Not even enough to cover the phone bill I might add. Yet he still haunts me.

I’m afraid.

Afraid of never loving again, of starting to avoid ppl who might be interested. Of my intelligence and who I am now. I got some of me back, but I’m not sure it’s me.

I'm not here to justify my actions or play the victim. I know that what I've done is wrong, and I know that being hurt in the past doesn't excuse hurting other people now. I just really need to get this off my chest. Maybe putting everything into words and sharing it with strangers will help me understand myself better and finally break this cycle. Maybe I'm looking for advice, or maybe I need to hear some hard truths. I'll read your comments.

I know therapy would probably help me understand and work through this, but I can't afford it right now.

I think this started when I was 16. My first girlfriend cheated on me, and I cheated on her back to get even. I don't know if that was the beginning of everything, but I think that's when I first learned to use cheating as a way to deal with being hurt. It became a habit. I managed to keep it under control for a while during my second relationship, but then I got cheated on again. Somehow, that experience reinforced the behavior instead of making me want to stop. I'm 23 now, and this has been going on for years.

Whenever I'm in a relationship, I tend to seek attention from other people, especially when something triggers my insecurities. It could be doubt, jealousy, fear of being cheated on, or just the feeling that something isn't right. Instead of dealing with those feelings, I look for people to talk to.

And when I say people, I mean a LOT of people at the same time.

I'll create accounts and talk to different people until my mind feels overstimulated by all the conversations, attention, and new connections. I can be whoever I want to be with them. I can flirt, rant about my problems, be sexual, have deep conversations, or talk about things I wouldn't normally share with anyone. For a while, I get this rush from all the attention and novelty. It makes me feel numb to whatever is bothering me in my actual relationship.

It's like I don't have to feel the fear, insecurity, or jealousy anymore because my mind is too occupied with something else.

And then, once I get tired of it, I disappear. I block people, cut off conversations, and sometimes delete the accounts entirely. Some interactions last days, some hours, and others barely a few minutes. It doesn't even seem to matter who these people are or whether I genuinely like them. Sometimes, it feels like I'm more interested in the rush than the actual people.

The worst part is that I keep going back to it, even when I'm in relationships with people I genuinely care about.

For years, I kept doing this without getting caught. And because there were no immediate consequences, I think I stopped taking my own behavior seriously. I would tell myself I could stop whenever I wanted, but I never really addressed the reasons behind it. Eventually, I stopped trying altogether.

I'm currently dating someone who's genuinely amazing. I've never felt this loved by anyone before. She makes me feel things I haven't experienced in my previous relationships, and I know how lucky I am to have her.

But even with all that love, whenever I feel insecure about our relationship, I still fall back into the same behavior. I create other accounts, talk to people, flirt with them, and eventually delete everything as if none of it ever happened.

For the first time in years, though, I got caught.

She found out, and she still gave me another chance. She forgave me, and I promised her I would change. And I genuinely tried. For a couple of months, I didn't do it. I thought maybe I was finally getting better.

But recently, something triggered her memories of what I had done. I saw how much I had hurt her, how much damage I had caused, and how difficult it was for her to trust me again.

I don't know how to explain what happened next without sounding like I'm making excuses.

A part of me felt like I didn't deserve her. A part of me thought she was right about me all along, that I was someone who couldn't be trusted. And instead of proving that I could change, I almost felt compelled to prove that she was right.

So I did it again.

I created another account and started talking to people. But afterward, I came to my senses. I remember thinking, What the hell am I doing?

She's out here trying her best to give me another chance. She even sought therapy because she wanted to work through the pain and rebuild her trust in me. And I repaid her by doing the exact thing I promised I wouldn't do again.

I deleted the account. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I was too afraid. I couldn't bring myself to confess, hoping, I guess, that I could somehow keep it from hurting her again. But she eventually found out when she checked my phone.

Now, she's devastated. And seeing her hurt because of something I did makes me feel awful. I know I caused this. I know that she didn't deserve any of it.

I'm struggling because I genuinely want to change, but I keep repeating the same behavior even when I know the consequences. I don't want to keep hurting the people I love. I don't want to keep making promises I can't seem to uphold. And I don't want to become someone who only stops when they get caught.

I also know that wanting to change doesn't mean much if my actions keep proving otherwise.

I don't know if this is a coping mechanism I've developed, a need for validation, self-sabotage, an addiction to the attention and novelty, or some combination of these things. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I want to understand why I keep doing this even when I know it's wrong and even when I have so much to lose.

For those who have struggled with compulsive cheating, infidelity, or similar self-destructive patterns, were you ever able to stop? What actually helped you break the cycle? What did you have to confront about yourself to change?

I'm open to honest answers, even if they're harsh. I know I can't undo what I've done, and I know that my girlfriend has every right to decide she's had enough. I'm not asking how to convince her to stay or how to get her to trust me again.

I just want to understand myself, take responsibility for my actions, and figure out how to stop repeating this pattern.

I'm tired of being this person, and I genuinely want to change.

This is my first time posting here or really anywhere so im sorry if I don't get everything right.

I found out that my husband was cheating on me the same day I gave birth to our daughter. (We had only been married for 3 months at the time)He left his phone on the table next to me and "lovely baby" popped up on his phone and my whole world crashed in around me. Within 10 minutes of finding out that he cheated on me, he smashed his head into the door of the hospital room resulting in 14 stitches in his forehead. After he got stitched up and got back to my hospital room he proceeded to tell me that it started only about a month before and it was with dozens and dozens of women..so many women.. over 7 different apps he had on his phone specifically to cheat on me with. He had spent so much money on one of them that his card declined just trying to get me a burger on the way to the hospital to have the baby. Since then hes been violent and has lied to my face every day about the things that he did with other women for 2 1/2 months afterwards(he only came completely clean about 2 weeks ago). We agreed to try to work past it as Ive known this man since i was 5 years old and we had just gotten married and had a baby together. Hes never cheated on anyone else or been violent towards any other woman in his whole entire life until me. My daughter is now 3 months old and im so terrified that every year her birthday will also be a reminder of the anniversary of the worst thing anyone has ever done to me.

I just dont know what happened or how my life ever ended up here and I can feel myself slipping...

would you rather catch them liking a persons Instagram posts (I.e. beach pics gym pics etc) or watching porn

is there a difference

I (26F) been in a relationship with my son’s father (28M) for going on 4 years (next February). This relationship has been so toxic due to his cheating. I had gotten pregnant 6 months into our relationship and things went downhill from there. Prior to being with me he lived in another state. He has a child with another woman in said state. He put her through the same crap. So i was warned. I don’t know why i thought that because he was honest with me in the beginning of our relationship about who he was that things would be different for me. That I was the one he would change for.

From the very start he has gawked at women in front of me commenting on their breast and butt. And the infidelity started with him having old nudes from women in the past. Obviously hurtful , he deleted them immediately and stopped commenting on women. but he got sneakier with his cheating and lies. for awhile it was all virtual. onlyfans, texting women etc. obviously still very hurtful but i kept forgiving him. then he started texting my friends and family behind my back … flirting or trying to get a threeway behind my back. disgusting i know. he hadn’t done anything sexual with anyone until about a year ago.

november 2025 he slept with someone twice and when i found out , it broke me. I was just checked out since then. i had been pushing him away and being mean and horrible to him. I felt so betrayed and disgusted and hurt. Then he would get better for awhile and then i’d catch him with something small. it wasn’t until this year i found out in july that he had been lying to my face and making me believe he was at his friends house from hockey weekly since april…… coming up with elaborate lies. making up stories about the “boys” bringing home 3d printed animals for our son from her, brought home cookies made BY HER and i literally ate them🥲🤢🤮, also brought a pillow home from her. like the most BOLD shit. i was LIVID i lost it, attacked him, we haven’t been in a good place ever since. ive been cold and mean.

He truly has a sex addiction bc he cannot , not be sexual. he has to please himself daily. is addicted to porn. i just don’t know how someone can do me so dirty a million times and not do the steps to change what they’ve done or change their behavior. As much as it hurts i do love him. We’ve had alot of good times too.

Anyways, now he’s decided he’s leaving me at the end of the year bc he can’t keep begging for me anymore and i’ve been telling him i don’t love him for months. I’ve been hurt! I’ve been hiding my hurt with anger and now it’s alll coming out. i’ve been crying for 4 days straight, haven’t eaten shit in 4 days can barely sleep. i’m a WRECK. i’m hurting because why wasn’t i enough?

My real question for advice is .. has anyone ever been in this position and can someone change that has been like this? If he chooses to go to therapy, get on meds and put in the work to gain my trust and reassure me .. can this work? I do love him but i’m sad that i wasn’t enough for him. this is deeply rooted. help..

My girlfriend and I dated for one year, and everything was going well at the start, but over time it became toxic; I started yelling at her, and she frequently escalated situations and annoyed me, though we always resolved things and lived happily because we shared the same vibe and humor. Eventually, I started using abusive language during arguments as things escalated, and during our two months of long-distance, things worsened; we constantly fought and had a communication gap. When we returned to university, we joined a new group that included a very polite boy; initially, I noticed he liked my girlfriend, but I said nothing. Over time, she and I broke up because of our constant arguments. I later realized how wrong I was because, even though she yelled, she never used abusive language toward me, whereas I did; I even commented on her insecurities while she never made me feel insecure. The next day, I went to apologize and try to reconcile, but she denied me, and for the next five days, she acted like a stranger. On the fifth day, that boy told me she had been seeing him, that they met at night, that she sat on his lap to hug him, and other claims that he thinks she likes him. I could not believe it, so I called her; she was initially anxious and in denial, but she eventually admitted it. I told her I loved her so much that I wanted her back despite this; she initially refused, saying she was very hurt by me and could not come back, but she was eventually persistent in her refusal before finally agreeing. She then explained that she just wanted to vent to someone, so she went to him because she thought he was the opposite of me—polite—and she was in a bad headspace and anxious all the time. The reality of what happened was that she went to talk to him for five days; nothing happened on the first two days, but on the fifth day, he asked if he could hug her. He side-hugged her, then asked to compare hands, and when she did, he suddenly held them, though she backed off after a few seconds. After that, he suddenly pulled her onto his lap and said he wanted a hug; she hugged him, but she claimed she never went close and kept an awkward distance, and the duration was very short. On the fourth day, he behaved strangely, constantly touching her hair, and she backed off; he even touched her face, and she backed off again and told him not to do it, to which he apologized, claiming he was just teasing. However, during the hug, he slipped his hand under her shirt and tried to get close to her neck, but she immediately pulled away and told him not to do it; he instantly apologized, saying he was a bit clingy, but she ignored him, and when I questioned how she could not understand everything.

She said that because she was not in the right headspace; she was either really angry at me or anxious, and she generally used to yap to him about how our relationship turned out and how hurt she was. She didn't feel anything at the time, and she had no feelings for him. He tried multiple times to kiss her, but she never kissed him and never even touched him in any way; it was all him. On the fifth day, when they hugged, she finally realized what she was doing; she confronted him and said quite prominently that she never wanted to do any of this. He replied that he thought she liked it too, to which she asked when she ever showed that kind of energy toward him, stating that she did not want to get close like that. She then went away, and that is the day that boy called me and told me all this, portraying it as if she had fallen in love with him and was the one showing interest or initiating contact. I want to believe her, as I know how she is and how deeply she loved me that year; even though she had her own issues, they were nothing in front of my behavior. It has been more than a month now, and we are trying to work things out; I have asked her the same questions enough times, and I have even gotten angry at her about this almost every day. She has shown so much regret for this that I think it was a genuine mistake, but my mind always wonders how she could have done it. Hugging feels extreme because during those five days, I was crying for her, and even after seeing me crying, she still went to talk to him at night. She said she was so blinded by anger at the time that she felt bad that I was crying, but she still was not in the right headspace. One thing is that she never gave me false hope during those five days; she always said she was very hurt and that it was over, and I was the one forcing her to come back. However, it bugs me how she was able to hide all of this so cleverly from me, because during those five days, I would say I didn't feel good energy from that boy, and she would tell me not to worry, as she wasn't doing anything, even though I had a hunch that something was not right. Also, she swore she never had even a little bit of feelings for him, and knowing the girl she is, I think she is telling the truth because we were just about to complete our one-year anniversary, and she would never catch feelings for another guy that easily. She just said that at the time she wasn't thinking straight and thought he was calm and composed, so she went to him to vent about our relationship and divert her mind, but then all this happened. I want to believe all of this so badly, but sometimes I feel the complete opposite, thinking she really liked him and that is why she let all this happen. Also, during those five days, they were both sharing reels with each other, but most of her reels were sad, random memes, or songs, so that also bugs me—what was the need for that? But she has been with me for more than a month now, and I have taunted her enough.

She really cries and shows remorse, so I guess she is truly sorry for all of this, but regarding some of the things that happened, I feel like she should have been in her right mind when someone was making her sit on his lap and hugging her, especially for three days. Please give some genuine advice.

Things which I forgot to mention: We both met in our first year of university, and now we are in our second year. It was her second relationship, but she wasn't involved with her ex in any way, as it only lasted for two months. We shared our first kiss and every first experience together. Also, she never used to check out guys at university, her social media feed was not like that, and she never used abusive language, unlike most people our age; she never abused me either. Most of our friends' relationships ended because the girls left them, but she stuck by me until the end. Because of my own dumbness and carelessness, all of this happened, despite her genuinely trusting me with everything during the year we spent most of our time together. I had no close female friends at the start of our relationship, but she had quite a few male friends in her society; she completely cut ties with all of them after I discovered they were trying to talk to her without any reason, and she never used the fact that she did this against me during our arguments. That is why this situation was even more unbelievable to me, especially since that guy was very average-looking compared to her and me, so I know looks were not the reason. She was not that type of girl, and since many guys approached her in her society and at university, she could have done this long ago if she had wanted to.

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6.5 years spent four months seeking out sexualized Instagram content despite a boundary we’d explicitly agreed on, then initially lied about masturbating to it. He now acknowledges the betrayal and has started therapy, but three years of unresolved intimacy issues add another layer. Marriage plans are paused, and we’re taking space while still occasionally seeing each other. I love him but don’t know whether I want the relationship anymore - or whether I’d regret leaving without trying to rebuild trust.

About two months ago, I discovered that my boyfriend had been repeatedly seeking out sexualized Instagram accounts, including OF creators, over approximately four months. He eventually admitted that some visits were for arousal and that he sometimes masturbated to the content.

This crossed an agreement we had already made. He has acknowledged responsibility since the confrontation, but I’m struggling to decide whether I want to attempt reconciliation.

The boundary and discovery

About five years ago, early in our relationship, something similar happened on a much smaller scale. We discussed it, and he agreed not to do it again. I understood that to be an established boundary.

His Instagram was logged in on my phone with his knowledge because he occasionally used it when we were together. He goes through phases of downloading and deleting the app depending on how much time he feels he’s spending on it. One evening, he asked me to search for a friend through his account, and I noticed a sexualized account in his recent searches.

I initially brushed it off. When I checked later, the searches had been cleared. Over the following weeks, I found further activity showing repeated visits to similar profiles.

When I confronted him, he initially minimized it with explanations like enjoying someone’s travel content or imagining me wearing their outfits. We talked for hours, and I eventually became overwhelmed, yelled, and left.

He later acknowledged the sexual nature of the behavior. He said suggestive content would appear while scrolling and he would give in and explore the profiles. He described some visits as curiosity and others as driven by attraction and arousal. His explanation was that it had become “a dopamine loop” he turned to when stressed or bored.

The truth also came out gradually. When I directly asked whether he had masturbated to the content, he initially said no. Almost a month later, he admitted that he had. He has since acknowledged that the denial was a choice. This added another layer to the breach of trust because even after the confrontation, I wasn’t immediately given the full picture.

What hurts most is that he admitted remembering our earlier agreement and knowing that finding out would hurt me, but continuing anyway.

Based on what I saw and what he told me, I found no evidence of messaging, paid subscriptions, likes, comments, saved posts, or other direct engagement. Those forms of interaction would have made leaving a clear decision for me. Their absence matters to how I’m weighing this, but it doesn’t erase the boundary he knowingly crossed.

This happened while we were seeing each other frequently, buying a house, and discussing marriage. I felt deeply connected and secure, which is part of why the discovery has made me question my understanding of the relationship. His explanation about stress also leaves me worried about how he would handle future difficulties.

An unresolved intimacy issue adds another layer

Our LDR ended three years ago, but we have never successfully had penetrative sex during the relationship because he loses his erection when we try. We have other forms of intimacy, he is attentive to my pleasure, and I have felt satisfied in those ways.

Over those three years, I repeatedly raised getting the ED medically evaluated, but he didn’t follow through. I didn’t want to shame or pressure him, but I wanted us to address it.

I am not able to tell whether the Instagram behavior and erection difficulties are connected. It hurts that an issue affecting our shared intimacy remained unresolved while he privately pursued this sexual outlet.

His response since

Despite the initial minimization and later admission of lying, he now acknowledges crossing our boundary and considers what he did cheating. He has engaged in difficult conversations and listened to my hurt. He hasn’t called me crazy or insecure, pressured me to accept it, or told me I’m overreacting. He deleted Instagram and independently started therapy.

Outside of this, I have experienced him as a loving, supportive partner. Before the discovery, his desire for commitment had never been in question. He consistently wanted engagement and marriage and brought it up more than I did.

However, during one of our conversations after the confrontation, he said he wasn’t asking me to wait and since he caused the hurt and doesn’t feel entitled to reach out or assume I want him around. He wants contact to happen on my terms.

Where we are now

Engagement and marriage plans are paused. Privately, I guess we consider ourselves broken up and are taking space, but we still see each other occasionally - sometimes for logistics because our lives are intertwined, and sometimes because we want to spend time together.

I have not given him a list of repair steps since I want to see what responsibility he takes independently rather than feel like I’m managing the process.

I’m less overwhelmed than I was initially, but I’m still hurt and stuck. I mentally revisit old memories, question things I previously felt secure about, compare myself to those women, and scan where his attention goes when we’re together. It’s exhausting. I know I can't police his eyes for the rest of our lives.

I’m grieving the security I used to feel, but I’m also unsure whether I even want the relationship anymore. I still love him and miss spending time with him, yet that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to rebuild a future together.

At the same time, I worry I might regret leaving without giving repair a chance. I believe the loving, supportive qualities I experienced in him were real, and I’m struggling to reconcile those with his repeated choice to cross this boundary. I don’t want to minimize what happened because of his good qualities, but I don’t want to dismiss those qualities either.

His willingness to work on himself matters, but I don’t know whether my own desire to continue is still there - or whether fear of regretting a breakup is making it harder to let go.

Being unmarried also weighs on me. If we were already married, I imagine I might feel more inclined to attempt repair before leaving. Right now, I’m deciding whether I still want to make that commitment at all.

Additional context

• We’re both Indian. Cultural and family expectations mean we don’t live together, stay overnight, or travel together. We have opportunities for intimacy, but limited private time.
• He recently bought a house and insisted on adding me to the title even though I hadn’t contributed financially. This illustrates how serious our future felt and how intertwined our lives are. It doesn’t cancel out what happened or obligate me to stay.
• He has stood up for me during difficulties with his family and expressed willingness to limit or end contact if necessary to protect our relationship. I’m struggling to reconcile that commitment with the secrecy in this area.
• I would have been open to an honest conversation about sexual frustration or unmet needs and discussing mutually acceptable outlets. Instead, he acted privately despite our existing agreement.

What I’m hoping to hear

I’m not looking to debate whether everyone should consider this cheating. This was a boundary in our relationship, and he acknowledges crossing it.

For people who have faced something similar:

• What sustained changes helped rebuild trust, and what showed you repair wasn’t working?
• How did you distinguish missing your partner from actually wanting the relationship back?
• What did meaningful initiative look like while you were taking space?
• If this happened before marriage, what helped you decide whether to attempt reconciliation or leave?
• Did a period of clearly defined separation help you gain clarity, compared with continuing to see each other?
• I know there can’t be a guarantee it won’t happen again. What evidence helped you decide that trusting your partner again was a risk you wanted to take?

I know strangers can’t decide for me. I’d appreciate personal experiences, questions that helped you reach your own decision, and specific signs to look for in a partner - both signs of genuine accountability and lasting change, and signs that it may be healthier to walk away.

Note: I used AI to help organize my thoughts because there’s a lot of context and I’ve been struggling to explain it clearly. This is my actual experience, and the questions are my own.

I’ve got so much I want to say and speak about and vent that I just can’t put into words, as I have a lot of internal feelings that are eating me up inside and destroying me and have caused a lot of self hate. I hope that anyone who is going through this pain can find a way to heal 🫶

Married guy/pal confessed his desires for me, I shamed him for pursuing me behind his wifes back and ended up going his employer (he was an instructor, i was a student) because i didn't feel comfortable in class anymore and it felt like the right thing to do. His employer blamed ME, went on the classic "bet you were asking for it" spiel. I ended up having to leave the establishment because his employer (50 y/o woman btw and owns the place) fucking hated me afterward and was going to make my life hell there.

I spent almost a year studying there, the owner thought i'd greatly excell in my field, and it had my life on track after a LONG LONG battle to get anywhere. This experience has left me in ruins and there's no alternative school i can move to which i've accepted. He of course wasn't willing to clean up ANY of his mess and after going on to me about how his marriage is in shambles (i made him feel so guilty that he fessed up to his wife), he's now posting about how productive he's been in the field we were studying (he was on a break from it the entire time i knew him), and posting god damn gourd fall arrangements on his doorstep like their marriage is now peachy keen picture perfect.

Y'dont gotta tell me, I know I need to block him (seriously don't tell me i know 🥲) and stop looking. But hey what the fuck. What. The. Fuck.

Our relationship started unconventionally when we met while he was working in my country. We were exclusive because he asked and always talked about how we were boring gays because we don’t sleep around. We weren’t sure if we were to last because I didn’t want to leave my country. But we were still serious and committed up until whatever point. Eventually, I fell deeply in love, we married, and I left everything behind to move with him. We did long distance for 8 months and then I moved.

Now, married last December and 6 months later in this new country after moving, I am struggling to find a job and just discovered he was sexting his ex for the first eight months of our relationship until I committed to moving. While he apologized, he quickly grew impatient with my grief. He works a lot and has little ability to deal with his emotions. He is not remorseful and just wants to move on, leaving me afraid to show my sadness for fear of his anger. I am a very damaged person, I deal with a chronic illness, had abusive relationships before and childhood trauma that affected my entire life. I go into therapy since I was 15 to keep myself accountable. Now I miss my family, my dog, and my friends, and I feel completely heartbroken and disrespected.

I can forgive the first months, but this went on for a while. I hate that I had to commit to leave everything behind for him to think that it’s bad to stop sexting with his ex. I did it because I thought he would never hurt me or betray me.

I don’t know anymore, I can’t deal with either options anymore. I was miserable back home and am now, yet again, miserable here.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4.5 years. We have a good relationship. We have both grown immensely since meeting one another, and we have a very bright future that we talk about constantly. We love one another very much.

Earlier this year I had an emergency appendectomy that came with some minor complications. I was bedridden for at least 2 weeks. I was not myself. I‘d gained a ton of weight (thanks to certain meds I was on) and I was not the woman he fell in love with. This episode affected our relationship, and he became unhappy. He voiced that he had been considering breaking up with me in May. It shook me and got me to reevaluate everything. I made some serious changes and started taking care of myself. Slowly.

I was still on the meds, and was continuing to gain weight. It seemed that I didn’t care about my health because the number on the scale kept rising, no matter what I did. I finally switched off of the meds in July, and started Ozempic. As of today I am down 47 lbs from April, and starting to feel better about myself. I have about another 70 to lose to get to goal weight.

I thought everything was going fine. On July 19 I received a message from my best friend saying that he had messaged a girl she knew. He said she was beautiful and that he “had to” look her up. I confronted him and he was extremely disgusted with himself. He admitted he did it without placing blame and did not deflect. I was gutted, but I forgave him. Things from that moment began to get better. Our sex life improved, our communication improved, and we were all around stronger than we had been in years.

A few weeks ago I had a weird gut feeling. We give one another full access to our phones, so I went through his. I went through every single app to try to find anything. Then on Instagram I saw that he had posted a comment/response on a story of a girl who posts half naked photos of herself. The comment said “I wish“. I was immediately gutted again. I confronted him, and again he admitted that he did it without placing blame or deflecting, and swore he would never ever do it again. He was very apologetic and did everything he could to reassure me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

We are working on rebuilding trust now. We have had several talks about where my boundaries are, and he understands why I was not okay with what he did.

My question is; did he technically cheat on me? I labeled him a cheater, and he shamefully accepted that I felt that way. I’ve spoken to a few people who told me that the original message in July was borderline cheating, but that commenting on an IG story is not a huge deal, especially since he did nothing to hide it. This is my first ever post on Reddit so please be kind! Thank you!

TLDR; BF messaged girl in July saying she’s beautiful and then commented on a sexually charged IG story.

My first relationship from 16-19 was a very abusive situation with 3 years straight of relentless cheating. I finally got out, and unfortunately was in a low point and ended up in another relationship nearly 2 months later. That relationship was very short, only about 8 months. Cheating happened as well, just on a lesser scale. It ended when I was 20 and it hurt for a few weeks but in all honesty, it did not affect me too much. I was back at it pretty quickly. Graduated college with honours, got promoted to supervisor at my job. Started DBT, therapy. Medication. Eating well. I lost 30 pounds (purposely with good eating and exercising). I made more friends, I was well off. I took a break from dating and just enjoyed life. Then October of last year, I met another man. I didn't share everything with him right away, and I was very cautious. I kept my gaurd up. Took it slowly. I did what I felt, everything right. I didnt say yes to being his girlfriend for 3 months after meeting. I kept my routine, therapy, medication. Still taking care of myself.

This relationship was like something I never felt. My first relationship wasnt love. Neither was my second. I truly believe this one was real love. We were the same on every aspect. I used to tell him it felt like he was a gift from God, an apology from the universe. I became a very peaceful person. I was able to sleep. I found joy in baking again. I began painting, drawing. I fell in love all over again with cross stitch. For the first time in my life I enjoyed the quiet. Ive never been one for quiet or slow or "normal". But I adored our routine. Coffee and tea in the morning. Walks. Bake. Make dinner. It was beautiful. And with him, it was the first time I felt I could be "selfish" and do something for myself.

My first relationship I chose my college out of fear of him leaving me or cheating more. The second, I chose a job that he wanted me to go to because he said it wouldnt work otherwise. The next? He encouraged me. Supported me to no ends. I cant describe the magic and beauty of this relationship. I felt secure. I felt like actually comfortable, so I booked a trip and went solo backpacking.

1 month into me travelling, he changed. Started getting drunk. Distant. Mean. Broke it off with me 2 months later but kept me around. He eventually came around. We fell back into our old comfort. Security. The easy laughs and peace. Me and him are so alike its insane. An understanding on a whole other level.

I came back from travelling to see him (he was being deployed and I already had the flight booked home to see him)

I was back with him 2 days. And I found everything. The cheating. How many girls. The dots started clicking. The nights he spent out. The mean nights. And it broke me. I thought this time would be different. I couldn't leave. I couldn't let go of what I felt with him. It sounds cliche and maybe pathetic, but I believed (still do) that he is my soul mate.

After finding out, the next 3 months were beautiful. He did a full 180, becoming a dream man. Writing me letters (he was never expressive but tried for me). Doing the paired app with me (a question app for couples). Supporting me. Helping me. Answering my questions and anxiety. Loving me like never before. Being a sweet good man. Perfect in every way.

We said goodbye july 5th for him to return home before deployment. He had changed into an unrecognizable incredible partner. We were engaged. To marry in december when he came to visit from deployment. We both felt it. Then he got home. 2 weeks go bye, hes perfect. Then he goes out to drink with friends. And becomes the same person again.

August 2nd he said he couldn't do it anymore. That he didnt want to lose me but he couldn't handle my emptional swings anymore (I wasnt perfect either. I was hurting bad but trying harder to heal). Our last conversation was me saying I couldn't lose him. He responded saying I know, just give me a few hours to cool off. I love you, ill call you for bedtime.

No call came. I waited up all night. Woke up blocked on every platform. And havent heard a word since.

I ended up in the psych unit for 5 days. Quit my job. Didnt get out of bed for over 3 weeks. Could barely function. Couldn't eat. And still it breaks me nearly 3 months later. I dont understand. And I cant help but blame myself for every outburst and emotional turmoil. But he never looked back and I just cant seem to let go.

Everyone tells me there will be another. That I deserve better. That im only 21 and so young and will realize when im older. But I dont want better, and im disgusted at the thought of anyone else. I cant describe how I felt with him, and the person he made me. The peace he gave me. And its killing me. And I have no idea where to put the love I have for him. I lost that version of myself, the happy carefree one. I dont sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours a night. Everything is just dull and empty now.

The rational part in my brain knows I only reacted to what he did. Im diagnosed ptsd from my first relationship and he reactivated it by putting me in the same situation. I go between hating myself for ruining our relationship, being angry at myself for not having self respect to walk away. Especially since this is 3 times in a row, youd think id learn by now. But I also know I was only reacting with anger because of how deep the hurt ran. That part though isnt winning, its the guilt and blame toward myself that dominates and I dont know what to do anymore. And I guess im just upset at myself that he left me so easily, and I never wouldve left him despite what happened with us. I always stay. I always try to make it work. But im always the one that gets left. And its so hurtful because it really does make me feel worthless

Me (23F) and my now ex-boyfriend Drew (26M) have been together going on 5 months. For context, my previous relationship (Will, 22) ended about a year and a half ago, when I found out he was cheating on me with a coworker and cheating with girls online the entire time, so I moved out and he moved the new girl in in less than 2 weeks. Full on back door apps hidden in his phone through a calculator app, he ended up threatening me and calling me awful things after he got caught. It's safe to say I am deeply traumatized from being cheated on.

More context, I had worried very badly about Drew cheating on me after I found out he had downloaded snapchat after making a point of telling me he deleted it, which I thought was weird. I freaked out on him and spiraled, accused him of cheating on me (he was at work, and I will admit it was kind of a baseless accusation, which I take accountability for. I was drunk and very emotional, having a bit of a panic from my past trauma) We discussed and he talked his way out of it, saying that he never did anything wrong and I took his word for it. He also told me that he didn't know how we would build trust if I went around accusing him and not trusting him. I told him bout my previous relationship and told him that this was unfortunately part of building that trust with me, is getting through my distrust. He swore up and down that he was serious about me and I genuinely thought he was.

The past weeks, I noticed that I was not his #1 best friend on snap, but he was for me. This was not a huge deal to me, but I just wanted to know who he had above me and if it was one of his friends that I wouldn't care. He told me that I was his #1, which obviously didn't line up because we would have had the emoji. I explained that that didn't make sense and I wanted to see what his friend's list looked like on his end but he REFUSED. I pushed and pushed until it became an ultimatum to end the relationship and he still wouldn't send a screenshot and claims it is because he thinks "it's not about the screenshot" and that even if he sent it he "doesn't know what I would ask for next" and that it was setting a precedent... however in the same breath he offered to start using the Life 360 app with me and other more extreme modes of surveillance, which is not what I was asking for. I just wanted the one screenshot. I've attached our text messages after I ended things. Was I just being paranoid about him cheating or do you think he is lying to me. I am pretty sure he is lying but a small part of me wants to believe him. I'm just asking for some second opinions .

Hello,

I (29F) broke up with my ex bf (29M) of 6 years about 2 years ago. He cheated on me by getting drunk and kissing a girl. He said it meant nothing and he was totally knocked out cause of the alcohol. I also posted about this on reddit when it happened. We have been no contact and I had blocked him everywhere but he requested me not to so we would not talk but we wished on birthdays. He would however ask me about how I am doing or ask my friends about how I am doing. I had made up my mind that we are never getting back but recently we got to talking and he told me how much he still loves me and how he was actually struggling at the time and I have started to melt and go crazy with anxiety over can I trust him and maybe give him another chance because he really seems miserable and I do miss him. He was the love of my life and up until the incident it was all roses. However I did feel him withdrawing and being more involved with his friends during the time the incident happened. I had to coax out the truth from him though. And for about 3 months I waited for his attention and to get answers but he would ignore me which he confesses was because of guilt. Now, I have checked out so many posts of if it is possible to reconcile after cheating and I am also telling myself that it was only an isolated kissing incident not like sex but somehow I am stuck and I feel like my head will explode if I don't take the right decision. He told me that he felt I was controlling at that time and he was like I have to make her happy so he resented it but never told me about it to save the relationship and pressure built up so he wanted to just get some relief with a drink but he had never had alcohol before. I was preparing for my entrace exam at that time and I accept that I may have taken him for granted and just assumed he loved me very much which makes me feel guilty. Now I wonder what if he feels overwhelmed by life and gets drunk again? He says he won't, cause why would he make the same mistake again? I trust him when he is talking to me then second guess everything. But everytime I focus on the fact that he will be gone from my life forever with my one decision, I panic. I am almost 30 and I have nobody in my life and what if the other person is worse? I feel like he atleast loves me. What if I marry someone and he cheats on me 10 years down the line?

I don't know if anyone will even see this post but I am spiraling bad and have not been able to rest my mind like it is the ultimate verdict on if I will be happy in my future. I think and some of my friends say that it was just a kiss not sex or anything but I have not been able to let it go cause I trusted that man with my life. Please any advice will help. I am also ashamed that I have not been able to sort this out for like 2 years. I now feel rude even ignoring him since we are talking and he has been honest. He has been waiting for me. We are long distance though. I also feel like I have no time because I am now not young anymore, I don't even have any guy I can consider maybe for marriage and I wake up anxious and exhausted every morning. I have lost my productivity and I feel guilty about it. I am such a mess.

I've been married for ten years. For nearly all of it, my wife has been my rock.

We have a healthy sex life, four beautiful children. My wife has been living with me for 12 years, two years before we were married. Not long before she came to live with me, I crawled back to my ex (with whom I had a co-dependant drug habit) and had a sad, ugly sexual experience.

I let my wife know, some time after we got married. She forgave me, but warned me if I ever did it again, our world would be over, and that I had no right to lie to her.

For ten years, I have been happy, but this last week I went for a trip across the country to go to convention by myself. The whole time I wished I had my wife with me, so that I could share the fun and make memories, but we don't make much money. It's just me earning money at the moment, so one ticket is we could afford.

The last night of my stay, I went to see a prostitute. I'm not sure why. Probably my ego. Probably greed. Self-sabotage, it feels like. It was a rote, transactional thing, and completely insane. Immediately afterward, I began to panic. I had my head in my hands, wondering what I had done, realising I couldn't lie to my wife and that I would have to tell her. That, and when I did, it would mean that my life would be over. Divorce would be what I deserve. My wife is a good, beautiful, honest woman. She's never done anything to make me suspicious of her.

I have been watching porn since I was 11 years old, and in the last 6 months I've become increasingly isolated from my wife and kids because of my job and financial pressures put on us by happenstance. I could say it was depression, or that it was my addiction, but honestly I feel like I feel like I've just tried to burn everything to the ground because I am a spoiled brat.

So have at me, people of reddit. I'm here as I haven't told her yet, but I want to know if anyone here has a had similar experience, and any advice for a fool who decided to throw it all away for nothing.

Long story short, I have been feeling suspicious of my wife and our mutual friend for a bit over a year now. We have been together for a out 10 years.

I haven't found any proof just coincidences and shared online times etc. Thinking back I wonder about times when my relationship was bad or not going well and wonder if it was because there was someone else.

When I think about just leaving, I think that I need more than just suspicion. We have two young kids, shared house, we live near her family etc. To blow that up or even begin fixing things, I feel like I need something definitive..

I tried to talk to her about my suspicions, the usual phone stuff hiding it or moving it when I am in the room and constantly online at the same time as this other guy when I am not around. She denied fully and didn't even admit they were talking im talking months of denials and claiming I am crazy that I should trust her.

I think my radar has always been fairly high and so I pick up when she is interested in someone which has been the source of fights previously, but this one feels different.

Mutual friend is also suspicious, but he just broke up with his long term partner and moved away, so I was hoping if there was something it stopped, but they seem to be continuing to be online together etc.

Just over it really, feel like a stone when I am around my wife and like just slightly disconnected. Every time they are not online together for a day I start feeling better, then like last night when I went to bed, they were both straight online together after her saying she is going to bed and him not being online all day.

At the start I felt anxious and worried but now I just feel tired and frustrated.

Do I just accept there is probably someone else.. do I find someone else? Or just work to leave

Asking for advice, thoughts, suggestions, anything really.