I’m almost 3 months out from a 4-year relationship, and I feel f*cking exhausted.

He’s already been with someone else for around 2 months. I know I shouldn’t compare my healing to his, but it genuinely hurts watching someone you spent 4 years with seemingly move on so quickly while you’re still stuck.

The weird thing is, physically I’m doing better. My appetite came back. I can focus about as well as I normally could. I can eat with my family, hang out with friends, laugh, have fun, study, etc.

But mentally? He is still there ALL. F*CKING. DAY.

Even when I’m doing something fun, some random thought about him will pop up. I’ll remember something, wonder what he’s doing, imagine him with her, wonder if he misses me, wonder if he’s happier with her, etc.

A few days ago I genuinely thought I was finally getting better.

Then I broke a 15-day no-stalking streak and went absolutely feral checking everything. His profile, his activity, whatever I could find. And now I feel like I’m back in the fucking loop again.

I KNOW the usual advice:

* Don’t stalk.
* Block them.
* Go no contact.
* Don’t check their socials.
* Keep yourself busy.
* Go to therapy.
* Let yourself grieve.
* Don’t rebound.
* Time heals.

I KNOW.

I’m actually looking for something beyond the standard advice.

What are the unhinged / unconventional / weird things you did that genuinely helped you detach faster?

I don't mean anything dangerous or destructive. I mean things that made your brain finally go “oh, we're DONE with this person.”

I don't want to spend the next year obsessively checking whether he's happy with his new girlfriend.

I genuinely want to break this cycle.

I know I can't erase four years overnight. I'm not expecting that. I just want something that helps me get from “I think about him constantly” to “he crosses my mind and I move on with my day.”

So please tell me your weirdest, most unconventional breakup recovery methods that actually worked.

And if you were in a similar situation—long relationship, ex moved on quickly, months later and you're still obsessing—what finally made something clickfor you? also i have anxious attachment.

Today's my 31st birthday and I took myself out to dinner. Songs that we used to listen to together were playing back to back. It reminded me of how much I miss my ex.

Back in January of this year, I messaged him on LinkedIn not really expecting much. Time went on, no reply, yet I couldn't get him out of my head. I found his email and debated for months whether to reach out the old fashioned way. Eventually I decided to email him. That was a couple months ago, and he hasn't responded.

Part of me wondered if maybe he didn't reply to me on LinkedIn because he didn't see it. We had an incredible relationship back when we were about 19/20. We talked about our dreams. I moved to Seattle to learn the skills of how to be a barista, he was supposed to come with me though, we had talked about it so much. I had to learn how to live without him there for 5 years. Our dream was to open a coffee shop/bar combo. I discovered that while I was learning the barista job, he was still in Chicago doing bartending. I didn't find this out until this year though. It kinda broke my heart.

Although our relationship had its up and downs, we were very anxiously attached to each other. I purposefully ruined the relationship because I was terrified of getting too close to him. We were young, naive, and desperately in love. Or so I thought.

In 2019, he messaged me on my (now deleted) Reddit account. He said something along the lines of "hey kid, hope you've been well. I don't think I was ever in love with you. I just really need you to be ok though." It wasn't this verbatim, but he said some other things that made me reply with "well that really just fucked me up forever". That was the last I heard of him.

Fast forward to now, I still talk to his cousin here and there. I love her to death. She's the sweetest person I've ever known. I'm really grateful he introduced me to her. I'm also back in Chicago and have been for a few years doing a completely different job now working in consulting.

I guess I just need help figuring out what to do. My last relationship was in 2020 with a man who was going through a divorce. He had felony charges on his record for hurting his ex wife. Our relationship ended tragically. That ex is getting married to a different person, someone he told me to never worry about while we were together. While this stings a bit, I'm also not surprised. I expected this from that ex. It feels like closure.

So Reddit, what do I do with this immense love that I have for my ex from 10 years ago? I miss who we were together. When we broke up, we both became very depressed and the most emo versions of ourselves imaginable. I last saw him in 2016 when I flew back to town for my best friend's mom's funeral. I had alcohol poisoning in his bathroom that entire night. It's the icing on top of a tragic sundae to end it all on that note.

Thank you for any words of encouragement, advice, and insight. I often see posts on here of people who are fresh in a breakup. I feel out of place posting about missing my ex from this long ago. I keep trying my best to keep moving forward, but I keep looking for him in everyone. I always have. I fear I always will. I've been single for 5 years now because I can't shake this chronic feeling of just feeling like there's a void in my life. I've been trying everything I possibly can for 10 years to properly move forward. I can't even hear his name anymore without disassociating and going down memory lane. Life feels so dull without him. I always wish he was with me whenever I do anything. I've looked into codependency and I'm not confident that's what this is. Ambiguous mourning feels more accurate, and Ive been in therapy for many years trying to work through all the nonstop grief in my life.

Thank you for reading. 🩷

Update: I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who left a comment. Whether it was giving advice, holding sympathy, or just trying to help me see it for exactly what it is. Moving forward in life is the only option we have sometimes, and while it doesn't always mean we have to completely move on, it's a learning process figuring out how to let go so more love can come into our lives. I read every single comment and appreciate everyone's perspectives. Thank you for your help, seriously.

It’s been 3 years since my ex broke up with me. He blindsided me one day with “I can’t give you what you want” and “you deserve better” and then told me he’d always love me. It embarrasses me looking back at it because I attributed it to him being an Avoidant (he really is) but in these 3 years he’s never come back once or tried to communicate with me in any way. You have to kill the hope that they’ll come back. It will keep you stuck much longer than necessary. The truth is, someone can be avoidant and also just not want to be with you either.
If someone tells you that you deserve better, it’s a sign to walk away, not an invitation to try harder to prove that you’re worth staying with.

Because that's what you are.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault that they were self sabotaging the relationship and lied to your face that they weren't.

It's not your fault they never just told you what the problem was so you could fix it. You know you were willing too.

It's not your fault they monkey branched with someone they were talking to before the relationship was over.

It's not your fault they played mind games with false hope because they didn't want to lose you completely but still decided to run from the relationship.

It's not your fault that in the final parts of the relationship when you were aching for love and them taking advantage of your feelings for their benefits.

It's not your fault they gaslight you to make it easier for them to leave.

It's not your fault they don't have self awareness to take into account the mountain of emotional trauma they leave someone with.

It's not your fault they don't deserve the love they are given.

It's not your fault they didn't deserve you. It's theirs.

You don't have to forgive them. I never will stop hating mine or other avoidants for as long as I live.

But it's not your fault.

I'm sorry you went through it and I hope you heal and grow, but know that they are incapable of it, and you didn't deserve what you went through.

You are seen you are heard and you are valid in what you feel, and will be stronger for actually facing it.

Your next person is going to be very lucky to have you because you will know what your love is worth and this time THEY will be worth it.

You don’t. Thank you for listening.

Self respect and dignity. It goes a long way.

Life is honestly too short to be attempting to get someone back who doesn’t want you. Don’t torture yourself being in a relationship that is one sided.

If someone truly wants you, they’ll make it known.

The mind is very powerful. Once it’s made up, it’s extremely hard to persuade otherwise. They have to change it for themselves.

It’s okay to miss somebody who doesn’t want you, it’s okay to cry over somebody who doesn’t want you. But, it’s not okay to try get them back.

I speak from experience. I tried over and over again. Oh my ex said she likes tattoos..let me post 500 photos of myself with my arm sleeve in case she’s forgotten. Oh my ex likes guys who are in touch with her feelings? Let me post all those deep quotes. Did she want me back? Not one single bit. No matter the compromise, the bargaining, the begging. Her decision was final.

Damn, what a fool I was.

But the fool who persists in their folly, will become wise.

Always know your worth.

Guys does this get easier 😭 it’s been 7 months and there is NOT A DAY that goes by where i do not miss him.

I have him blocked everywhere but also if he really wanted to make amends he could reach out, email etc. he literally haunts me. he was a wonderful man in the beginning and then took me for granted and i had to end it for my own good. he’d always say i was one of the most wonderful people he’s ever met. i don’t understand what changed.

I hooked up with randos afterward, used distractions, focused on work, hobbies. it doesn’t matter i crave him all the time.

I recently got out of a long-term relationship that lasted four years, and I’m really struggling with moving on.

Even though I know the relationship wasn’t healthy and I don’t want to go back, I still find myself thinking about them constantly. I miss the version of them I used to know, and I keep replaying memories and “what if” scenarios in my head. I also catch myself expecting them to message me again even though we’re in no contact.

What makes it harder is that everything reminds me of them, places we used to go, things they liked, even small habits. I’ve tried focusing on myself, but some days it still feels like I’m starting from zero emotionally.

For people who have been through something similar, what actually helped you move on for real? Did anything eventually “click” for you? How do you stop hoping they’ll come back or reach out?

I’m not trying to rush healing. I just want to understand what actually helps people get through this stage and eventually feel okay again.

For a long time I just wanted an apology but I accepted the fact I’d probably never get one until last night. I just don’t know anymore. Is this likely breadcrumbing? Just looking for advice

Lately, I’ve been in a really dark place and I miss her so much. It is absolutely eating me alive from the inside to know that she has become completely detached from me. She has zero feelings left for me now and just treats our 3-year relationship like a closed chapter in her life.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think that she is going to talk to someone else, flirt with them, and smile because of another guy. The thought that she might go on dates and touch someone else the exact same way she used to touch me—without even sparing a single thought about me—is unbearable.

I keep imagining her friends consoling her by saying things like, "It's a good thing you guys broke up, you weren't compatible anyway, he was terrible," and her just laughing along with them.

I am genuinely failing at moving on. I feel completely stuck and it hurts too much. Please, if anyone has been through this, how do I get past it? Can someone please help me?

i think i inflated my exes ego to the point where he thought i deserved to be left and cheated on . he wasn’t even that good looking and i was his first gf . he stole my personality and stuff i liked to go talk to someone else , like what a lame guy overall .

is it normal to come to the realization that your ex was ugly on the inside and out ? i never realized it at the time but he was below average in terms of looks . love really does turn you blind !

I hate hate hate avoidants, the more I learn about this attachment style in hopes to better understand them, the more I realise there’s practically no justification to being that way. They’re just narcissists or have narcissistic traits. To love bomb someone, make promises and then runaway just because you cannot sit down and communicate like an adult is just disgusting. At this point, I don’t care that you had a hard childhood, once you grow up it’s your responsibility to self reflect and heal instead of hurting other people. Avoidants are mentally abusive, manipulative, lack accountability and always throw the blame onto their partner and project. What absolutely infuriates me is how much he made me hate myself because I felt like nothing I did was enough and everything was somehow always my fault. Even now that’s it’s done, sometimes I’ll be in doing my thing like house chores and suddenly remember one of the many times he was gaslighting me and how i tried so hard to explain to him how i felt and he would just flip the entire situation on me and i just leave whatever i’m doing and start crying.

I know, I probably miss the high off it. He was so fucking good at sex. I never felt that comfortable with anyone before. The intimacy was never boring or Vanille. I KNOW. He betrayed me by lusting over other women. But, I don't know why I feel this way towards him. I know he's bad for me. I feel some embarrassment. Yet, All I can think about is his beard in my pussy 🫠. I feel crazy.

Still struggling after over 8 months. I spent 2 months straight traveling to three different countries, accomplished a LOT, reflected and focused on myself, surrounded myself with people who support me, went to therapy, but still I miss him and wonder when we will speak again. And from what I hear, he may feel the same way too but will not reach out out of shame. Any advice would be helpful.

sometimes i legit break down in tears cuz i’m not able to to handle that me and him and really broken up and that he’s just gone , it’s like we never met in the first place . all those memories created for no reason , sometimes i wish we just stayed strangers .

I know the relationship wasn't working anymore, and i don't think getting back together would fix anything.

I just wish I could stop missing the person I used to talk to every day. How long did it take before you stopped thinking about your ex ?

Be honest.

You tell yourself: “I should be over this by now.” “They’ve moved on.” “It wasn’t even that great.”

And yet… You still miss them. Still feel that pull. Still feel a knot in your chest.

It’s like your emotions didn’t get the memo.

If this hits a little too close, drop a 🖤

I was with a guy for 6 years in my 20s and I was deeply in love. He was with me through a lot of difficult times including death of a parent and my own cancer treatment. The break up was incredibly messy, and I discovered that he cheated by starting new relationship before he broke up with me. I was so angry at him for months, but pretty much got over it by dating someone else. I literally had not thought about him in 19 years, aside from the occasional “glad I dodged that bullet” thought. But BAM all of a sudden I find myself in tears grieving the relationship and really missing this man. I do have the “what if“ thoughts but it’s mostly just remembering what it felt to be loved by him. I’ve had other boyfriends of course but I’ve never been in love like that ever again. I feel a little crazy and pathetic obsessing over something that happened so long ago. Has anyone else experienced this?

I just got broken up with a man who was also my best friend of ten years. Not an awful person either, I wish him the best but our last conversation was rough, I wouldn’t call this a great ending.

Give me your craziest, unhinged advice to get over this relationship and not think about him everyday.

I’m struggling with something I don’t see talked about much, and I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve genuinely come out the other side.

I was with a woman for over two years who loved me deeply, consistently, and patiently. She stood by me through everything and asked for very little except emotional commitment. I cared about her, but I couldn’t fully commit. Not because she wasn’t good enough — but because of my own fears, avoidance, past baggage, and fantasies about “better options.” I kept noticing flaws, felt emotionally disconnected at times, and convinced myself that meant I didn’t love her.

She tried for a long time. Eventually, after being pushed away repeatedly, she left — and soon after, she found someone else who makes her feel heard and valued.

That’s when everything collapsed for me.

Now the guilt is crushing. I keep replaying:

• how devoted she was

• how little she asked for

• how I withheld love not out of malice, but fear

• how I only understood what I lost once it was truly gone

What hurts the most is that she didn’t really do anything wrong. The narrative in my head is that I lost a “good woman” and that this will haunt me forever. I’m stuck idealizing her, blaming myself, imagining her happy with someone else, and thinking I’ll compare every future partner to her.

Most breakup advice seems written for people who were wronged. I wasn’t. I was the one who failed to show up fully.

So my questions are for people who’ve actually lived this:

• Has anyone truly moved on after losing someone who loved them deeply because of their own avoidance or fear?

• Did the guilt and regret actually fade, or does it stay for life?

• Were you able to love again without constantly comparing?

• What actually helped — not clichés, but real things that worked over time?

Right now it feels like I permanently ruined my chance at real love and that this will be the defining regret of my life. I’m 25 and trying to believe this isn’t the end of my emotional life.

If you’ve been here and made it out, I’d really appreciate hearing your story.

Note - I have used ChatGPT to articulate my feelings into words.

As a woman I know what we do, but I want to know if guys ever move on from their relationship and do you ever go back to them after no contact to fix things ? Or the most do you miss them at least ?

I'm very close to sending one. I feel like I'll never find closure if I do, I've been holding this in deep for too long. The trouble is as I write, my conflicted feelings come pouring out, and my objective isn't to go on a tirade. It's to call her out on why I believe I was treated unfairly, that my time with her was my fondest on this planet, and that I don't expect her to come back.

Any advice would be appreciated. Just please don't default to "Don't send it!" This is not a spur of the moment thing. I've been dead set on this for 2 years, the entire breakup period, and I never change my mind when it's made up. I trust my own judgement, even when I make mistakes. I'd rather regret something I have done than something I haven't. It'll be painful, I know, but I'm not going to deny my feelings and miss out on the chance to stand up for my own self.

We broke up six months ago. The whole thing fell apart because I asked for a prenup and she took it as me not trusting her. We fought about it for weeks and eventually she ended it, said she couldn't be with someone who saw marriage as a business transaction.

I was hurt but I respected her decision. Went full no contact in January. Deleted her number, unfollowed on everything, the whole thing. It sucked but I was moving on.

Last week she texted me out of nowhere. Her car broke down and the repair is $1800. She doesn't have it. Asked if I could help her out and she'd pay me back when she could.

I didn't respond for two days because I honestly didn't know what to say. The irony is so obvious it's almost funny. She left me because I wanted to protect my money in a marriage, and now she's asking me for money when we're not even together. I ended up saying no. Told her I'm sorry she's in a tough spot but we're broken up and I don't think it's appropriate. She got mad and said I was being cold and that helping someone you care about shouldn't require a legal contract. Then she said she should've known I'd be like this since I clearly only care about money.
Now I'm second guessing myself. Part of me feels like I'm being petty. We were together for three years, maybe I should just help her. But another part of me is angry because she made such a big deal about the prenup being about trust, and now she's literally asking me to trust her to pay me back.

My brother says I made the right call and to block her. My best friend says $1800 isn't that much and maybe I'm being vindictive. I don't even know anymore. I just want to move on but this set me back.
Yeah I know how this sounds. Like who does this actually happen to. But here I am and I can't stop thinking about it.

Am I wrong here? Should I have just helped her??

Is it normal for men to not reach out ever again or even apologize after a messy break up (mostly his fault) i was always there for him, supported him, my love was unconditional, i treated him with respect. we didn’t really fight alot but the last month of the breakup we just don’t understand each other.. it’s been 3 months i never heard from him

EDIT: i found out he was cheating and then just ghosted me after, no explanation, no apology

Title

My brain having a hard time moving on because the first version of my ex was a sweet innocent angel and even though she mutated into a monster my mind can’t see that reality . My love and adoration still focuses on first version I met .