god i'm so fucking desperate right now i've been laying in bed all day trying to ignore the pain in my back and all it's doing is making me horny as hell my pussy is soaked and i keep rubbing myself but it's just not enough i need someone to talk to someone who can make me feel good even if it's just with words you know like dirty shit about what they'd do to me how they'd fuck me make me cum i can't stop playing with my nipples they're so hard and perky right now and i can feel my ass clenching i wish someone was here to finger my asshole make me feel full i'm so needy and open right now anyone up for some filthy chat to help me through the night my inbox is wide open

Hey Reddit, longtime lurker first time poster (on mobile, sorry) but I/we need help. Cross posting to multiple communities cause I'm unsure where to ask this.

My girlfriend(23F) came to me (24M) a little over a month ago because she was struggling with self pleasuring and general sexual intimacy even when it comes to partnered stuff.

She has joint problems, (we're specifically focusing on wrists for this post.) She lives with family (can't have anything louder than a bumblebee fart), self image issues due to the difficulty in self pleasuring (feeling old, unattractive, etc), and have recently discovered that anything textured will give her internal pain with the added bonus that her anatomy is a bit larger than “average” so toys with suction doesn't always sit right. 

She asked for my help in choosing a toy that could help her because we are extremely limited. I've read articles, made lists, looked at every single sex shop website I can, I've even considered making a spreadsheet to try to cross examine ideas for her.

All of them have been a no for one reason or another. It's been a major stressor not only on her, but in the relationship, because she gets extremely in her head about it and starts becoming defeated and so the conversation just goes in circles. So I also got discouraged because clearly I wasn't choosing things or making it easier and stopped really suggesting things as to not cause stress, which in turn caused MORE stress because I wasn't suggesting anything or talking about my research so they thought I had given up too. 

Everything I choose or think might work, she says it won't because of having to hold it puts strain on the joints, laying on one would make it so she could only be intimate laying on her stomach if used too often. She doesn't like wands and prefers internal stimulation vs external. Suction won't work due to the anatomy concern and sex machines are too loud… So we're at a loss. This whole thing has put a downward spin on her overall self image/the idea of sex/intimacy as a whole so she is too stressed out by the idea of being intimate at all now that physical stuff with us is practically off the table, (which I entirely respect because, of course, boundaries, consent, etc) 

Yes she is okay with me posting this, we've decided to come to you all to help us. Does anybody have any ideas? any similar experiences? Please let us know.

Hey y’all, your mod here.  I wanted to share that I have been working on my book about chronic pain and sexuality, and it is taking up a lot of my spoons, so I haven't posted lately.

I am currently working on the chapter about what to do to get ready before sexy time when chronic pain is a factor.  Sexy time is what I call the time set aside for you and or your lover(s) to have quality time, where that means being intimate, doing sexy sex stuff, or just hanging out watching the sunset.   

I am trying to think of all the things we do, both as pain patients or caretakers, if we have a few days, a few hours, or a few minutes before the event.   What do we do to get our minds, bodies, and our space ready? What if we have to deal with other people, like kids, roommates, family, or pets?

I’d love to know what prep work y’all do so you can have as much pleasure and joy as possible with as little recovery time as possible.   Do you have any tools you want to share?

Here are a few things I thought of to do, and some things to think about.  I have more details on these topics if anyone wants me to expand on them. 

• Get the space ready at your pace; no deep cleaning, it does not have to be perfect.
• Try to have moments of joy and arousal with the goal of keeping the icky thoughts/ feelings away as much as possible. 
• Do movements or exercises that are good for YOUR body, without wearing it out.
• Plan to deal with others: kids, roommates, relatives, and pets.
• Make a caddy ahead of time with all the stuff you need, so you can grab it at any time. Or have a list of what you need so others can help you grab it. 
• Talk to your lover about any issues with your body, mind, or the space that can be addressed now.  Especially if this is a new lover.
• Foods, medications, and exercises done hours before may affect you during, and this is to be considered. 
  • Plan out when to take your meds to feel as good as possible during the event.
• Normal quick hygiene, no super scrubs, but a warm Epsom salt bath may be beneficial. 
• Take care of medical devices.
• If at a new place, what do you need to do to make it work for you?
• Try to BE in the moment, be present, and lean into the arousal/erotic.
• Grab at last-minute items needed, including drinks, snacks, meds, lube, towels, etc.
• Adjust lighting, temperature, etc. 
• Silence phones.
• Body scan and report the physical symptoms to your lover without falling into an emotional trap. With information on how long you think you can last.
• Spoon management (for all), pace yourself, and seek help where possible.

This research article came out recently, where 6 individuals of varying ages and chronic pain issues were asked about their sexual wellbeing. Thought y'all might be interested...

Through interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA), three themes were produced: (1) Sexual wellbeing can still be valued and enjoyable, (2) Sexual wellbeing is influenced by those around us, and (3) The challenges of navigating sexual wellbeing within society and healthcare context.

Findings indicated that despite the negative impacts of chronic pain, participants emphasised the importance of engaging in sexual expression as a means and end to improving sexual wellbeing and help manage pain. Sexual wellbeing was associated with feelings of empowerment, pleasure, connection, and love. Pleasure could also act as a form of pain relief. Open and honest communication from partner(s) and healthcare professionals is important to support sexual wellbeing.

However, sexual wellbeing is currently largely neglected. Healthcare professionals therefore have an important role to play in initiating this topic and ensure individuals with chronic pain receive the necessary education and resources to address this important aspect of health and wellbeing.

I have a deep throating kink but unfortunately I broke my back tooth and it seems to be irritating my partner. Until I can get it fixed or capped any suggestions from anyone on how to avoid it?

My fiancé and I very much enjoy filling me with multiple objects while having sex, do, and large dildos etc. I have suspected endometriosis and scaring from a c section 5 years ago and now experience pretty significant cramping the next day and stomach issues. Besides the obvious, are there any helpful tips to relieve this but also still enjoy my preferred kinks?

Hey y’all,

This helped me, and I hope this tool might help someone else...

I discovered a new tool the other night to quickly reduce the anxiety feelings when my pain is ramping up, which can help stop the pain from ramping up too. I took this trick from one of those IG ads/pages on "interesting facts"... so now I can’t find the source. If anyone knows it, let me know. Anyway, the important part of the interesting story that I remember is that CIA operatives were given a tool to stop their anxiety when walking into a room where they knew they might encounter a stressful, scary situation. They were to stare at a point or an object in the room for two minutes. They could not break eye contact for two minutes; blinking was allowed.  

They experimented with this because they found that when basically anyone feels nervous and walks into a room, they will instantly scan the room with their eyes in a quick, darting back-and-forth motion, scanning the room for possible harm. This eye motion could show fear and anxiety to others in the room, to someone who possibly thinks you are lying or covering something up, which could get a CIA covert operative killed. So they found that if a person walked into the room and instantly looked at something for two minutes, there was less of a chance that their eyes would dart around the room, and they felt less nervous.

People found this trick worked even BEFORE walking into a fearful space; if they stared at something for two minutes, they felt safer and confident when walking into the room. 

The other night, I was in a flare, in too much pain, and there were no more drugs to take. I feel myself feeling more and more anxiety and stress, which leads to more pain.  I decided to try this tool, and I stared at the light switch for two minutes. I counted to 120 very slowly. I noticed at first my eyes desperately tried to dart away from the light switch, and I had to really focus to keep them from moving. I had to remind myself to blink so I did not overdry my eyes and automatically look down or away. Also, I noticed that when I counted to around 40 seconds, my eyes no longer wanted to dart and my body started to relax. I felt the tension go away. Then, I think because I noticed the changes, the tension came back a little. I wouldn’t say that I was completely relaxed, but I was in a better place than when I started. I noticed that emotionally, I felt a little better. I felt calmer, and I felt like I was in a more logical place in my brain than that emotional place where I was about to lose it because the pain and the anxiety were getting to be too much. It definitely seemed to stop the anxiety from spiraling out of control, and I will take not spiraling out of control.

I like this too because I was thinking you can incorporate this with other tools to compound them. I have found over the years that the way to reduce the pain felt is to compound it with many treatments at once: many drugs at once, massages, baths, relaxation, creams, acupuncture, injections, gentle exercise, needling, eating well, stress-reduction, and/or anything else that helps you. My theory - If you just take the Tylenol, it might not be great, but if you also take it with the cream and the anti-inflammatory medication, the suffering might be less.

I was thinking of a way to incorporate this tool with sexuality. And next time I will stare at something or think of an arousing thought and keep that picture in my head while still counting to 120: a photo, a sex toy, a piece of lingerie, or any object that is arousing to me, that my brain would be doing the anti-anxiety thing, settle my eyes, calm my brain, but also release a little of those feel good chemicals too. (arousal releases various endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin, all of which typically produce pleasant feelings)

TLDR: Reduce the anxiety and pain from ramping up by staring at an object without breaking eye contact (blinking okay) for 2 minutes (can count to 120). Stare at an arousing object to have the added bonus of the release of feel-good chemicals while the brain is also calming the anxiety/ pain.

your mod

I been stuck in a rut for years, thinking if I can't do it properly, I don't want to do it

Are you a woman with current or previous vaginismus and/or difficulties with penetration?

The Sexual Health Research Laboratory at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada is calling for cisgender women with vaginismus to participate in an online study to help research investigating psychological and social experiences of women with vaginismus.

Participation involves completing an anonymous 30 – 45-minute online survey.

To participate, you must:

· Be 18 years of age or older

· Be fluent in English

· Be comfortable answering questions about your psychological and sexual wellbeing

· Identify as currently or previously having experienced vaginismus

To participate please contact us at [sex.lab@queensu.ca](mailto:sex.lab@queensu.ca) and mention the study.

For more information about this study, visit sexlab.ca/participate, or contact SexLab by email sex.lab@queensu.ca. All inquiries are completely confidential.

This study has received ethical approval by the Queen’s University General Research Ethics Board.

"The word 'endorphin' comes from the combination of 'endogenous,' meaning produced within the body, and 'morphine,' the powerful opioid painkiller. Therefore, endorphin literally means 'the body's own morphine,' referring to these natural chemicals that act as pain relievers and mood boosters by binding to the same brain receptors that opioids do."

Just a fun fact to reiterate that mental or physical arousal can release endorphins, temporarily reducing pain perception.

Note from your mod.  As of now, I am working on compiling all my wisdom, education, and evidence-based research into a book on chronic pain and sexuality.  I wanted to do a podcast and short videos, but I do not have the physical abilities for the workload, so for now, all my thoughts are going down on paper the old-fashioned way. I wanted to share some of my notes on what I have been working on and appreciate any feedback, stories, wisdom, or comments.  

Today I am sharing some of the info from the chapter checking in and taking breaks, mini-breaks, or pauses DURING sexual play or being intimate. This can be done with old lovers, new lovers, or solo sex. Mini-breaks allow your body to relax, muscles to soften, heart rate and pulse to lower, and let yourself enjoy the pleasure and pain reduction from all the feel-good chemicals running through your bloodstream and spinal cord. 

The myth is that this will kill the mood if you ask during sexy time, but it can be a tool to allow you to last longer, do more, and feel more pleasure during sexy time.  Even during the hot, fast, passionate movie sex scenes, lovers take breaks during long marathon periods of sex to take baths, raid the fridge for snacks, feed each other, bath each other, talk lovingly or dirty in bed canoodling before throwing each other against the wall again.  

Because those of us in chronic pain might have “pre-gamed” for sexy time by taking ALL the medication we can, all the OTC creams, etc, so we can reduce our pain as much as possible, and are high on arousal feel-good chemicals, we may not notice our bodies need a break until it is screaming for one.  My advice is, at the first little whisper from your body, “maybe we should pause,” STOP.  Pushing yourself will cause your body to seek revenge. 

It is okay to ask for a break; it is okay to ask your lover if they need a break.   You can ask in various sexy ways, “Have my lovemaking worn you out?  Are you exhausted from this pounding? Does my pet need a sip of water?” Whatever feels the most comfortable coming out of your mouth, so you don’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty or shameful for needing a break. We all need breaks and hydration, even marathon runners. 

These breaks can be TOUCHING or NO-TOUCHING BREAKS.  Communicate with your lover if you can be touched, how, and where you like it.  You can do this through talking or drawing on yourself or a printed out picture, where it hurts, where it is good, and bad to touch.   If you cannot be touched, keep the arousal going to keep the pain-reduction chemicals running through your body.  Too long without these, and the pain will creep back and end sexy time.  During a no-touching break, senses can be used to keep arousal up: 

• sight - pictures, porn, each other’s bodies
• smell -candles, sex pheromones
• touch- can you touch them? / soft, silky, textures, body parts
• taste - food, water
• hear - listen to porn, read erotica to each other, music

Dirty talk is great here. This is a great time to talk about sex. You are feeling all close, full of feel-good chemicals, and brave enough to discuss what just happened, what you like, what you would like to do in the future, what you do not like, ask what they like, etc.  This keeps the arousal going and lets you communicate in a way that is very hard to do at the breakfast table.

Your lover can do little “errands” during this time while you are resting: change out a soaked sex towel, get you water, clean sex toys, get you food, get themselves food and water, check on kids or pets, and most importantly… get you any medications you need. If you are into BDSM or feeling a little “frisky,” you can make your lover do things for you, wait in anticipation for you, wear certain items of clothing, or instruct you to lie still until the timer goes off. 

Gentle stretching - is this good or bad for you? Finally, are you able to take any medications/ pain reducers during this time? Are you re-upping on what you took earlier or taking any now so you will feel less sore later?  Do you understand you are using your spoons, will be sore later, but you prepared for this, or are at least doing what you can to stop yourself before you go too far and push yourself into a flare?  

The length of the break is determined by what is needed at the time: do your mini-breaks last 5 minutes, or do they last a half hour during this sexy time? You can set a timer so your lover does not forget and try to touch you.  

Listening to your body and communicating the facts of what your physical abilities and limitations will come with practice, and being able to do this can help keep down the disappointments and guilty or shameful feelings that can emerge when our bodies stop sexy time before the rest of us want to. 

You are allowed as many breaks as you and your lover would like.  You are allowed to take breaks if you are doing solo sexy time.  You are allowed to write your own sex script around taking breaks during sexy time. 

You are allowed to check in as often as you like with each other, even if you do not have a break.   If I fall into talking about feelings, shame, guilt, or disappointment, the mood can be affected negatively.  I have found that sticking to the facts, reporting my body scan, reporting what I think I can continue to do for how long, communicates what we both need to get back to sexy time. 

You are allowed to do all of these things with existing lovers you have had forever, new lovers, and solo sexy time.  This can be applied to vigorous sexy times, canoodling on the couch, and moments of intimacy.  You can take a break from canoodling and intimacy to return to it.  Sometimes we need to pee or need snacks. 

... I'd love to hear any wisdom, personal stories, or comments about taking mini-breaks during sexy time and checking in with each other.

Thank you!

Article dated a few years ago but still applicable. It’s a few ideas on how to incorporate kink as a tool in pain management - cupping, wax play, etc.

Are there ways y’all are incorporating pain management with sexy time? Massages? Putting creams on? Bath/shower with Epsom salts or soothing bath bombs? Impact play or other ways to direct the applied pain away the chronic areas?

What does this sound like?

I have been having the following symptoms for about a year and would like to get an opinion on what it sounds like . This happens before , during and after intercourse.

sharp pains burning during and after i feel muscles constricting before during and after cramping during sex pain during insertion of speculum and even the tip pain ever after sex

My poor wife has been suffering like a dog for the past 7 years of our 10 year romantic relationship.

When we meet in 2015, I was just divorced and not seeking a relationship. I was mentally broken from the break of my family and the horrible breech of trust my ex put me through. I was reeling with the abrupt change to my parenting abilities and lack of housing close to my kids.

In that journey, I met my wife online and we immediately had great chemistry and she was so kind and loving. Very attentive to what gave me stress and did everything she could to help ease my burdens. We had a healthy sex life and one we both said was how it should have been with our first marriages. It was wonderful….until she sneezed in 2017.

The sneeze caused her to quickly move and it popped a disc in her lower back. For the next three years and two additional back surgeries she was doing ok and getting stronger. During that 3 year stretch it was sexless and stressful. Covid had just started, I’m separated from my kids, my work is in jeopardy because of loss of revenue and she is further declining with her back health.

Now she needed a spinal stimulator installed and additional 3 levels fused and both SI joints fused over the next two years bringing us to 2022.

I lose my job, she’s bed ridden, suicidal and has a mental breakdown.

For next three years I lose a vacation home to medical bills and I’m miserable. No touch no love no companionship no sex nothing for 6.5 years.

Talking to her about this is impossible. I love my wife but I can’t live like this without being touched and having sex. She will entertain nothing. Sex isn’t on her mind at all. Her pain is that bad. What are my options.

Help please,

Loving NJ 49 years old hubby of three.

I have Bladder IC or “painful bladder syndrome” and the last thing I was to see coming at me is a speculum. Those things were invented by Dr James Marion Sims who didn’t believe women of color felt pain. They are somehow still used today.

If you see an OBGYN you can ask for the smallest one they have.

NPR link to at home Pap smear test

So my last post was me figuring out different reasons why I could be having uti problems but now I'm even more confused . I do plan on going to a gyn but rn I'm kinda broke so trying to find the solution here.

I never had a uti or any problem in that area before until I had sex( jan 2025) . After that I had a major episode of uti related issues . I went to the doc he diagnosed hematuria gave me some antibiotics but they didn't suit me and they completely irritated my stomach lining causing vomiting.

I got a urine test done it shows no sign of bacteria everything is clear doc suggested me to drink plenty of water . I got an ultrasound done everything comes back normal kidney , uterus, bladder, ovaries .

Symptoms were blood in urine , cloudy pee , urge to pee after every 1hr . All these symptoms lasted for 1 day but abdominal pain lasted 2 weeks .

I stopped having sex after that everything became normal I was back to NORMAL but a few days ago I thought about self examining and tried to put a finger in my vagina . A few hours later I feel burning sensation around my urethra and all the similar symptoms minus the abdominal pain .

I am pretty sure it's not a uti but what is it????? It's not an sti because we used protection and we were really careful about it . Will I not be able to have any sexual activity ever ? Can this be a sign of some infection in my vagina rather than my urethra???

PLEASE IF YOU READ THIS FAR DO ANSWER !!!!

Hi all. As previously mentioned I'm the husband of a chronic pain sufferer. After our latest argument about our dead sex life I noted down the points she made so that I could review then when I'm calm and I finally felt read to today (my thoughts about them in brackets). I'd love to know what other sufferers think of her points - frankly I'm despondent and convinced she'd have no interest even if she was healthy, I'm wondering if I married a closet asexual.

Anyway her points:
-”your taking the wrong approach it it” (I probably am (my current approach is just to attempt to ignore my sexuality as far as possible with occasional reminders that I would like to do things) but this has been going on for years and I feel I’ve tried every approach in that time all with the same non-response or backlash)

-”I'm disgusted and disappointed by me that you keep bring it up” (maybe once or twice a month)

-”its all about you” (I refuse to cuddle groin to ass at night because it elevates my sexual frustration to the point I can’t sleep)

-”I don’t understand the extent of her pain/tiredness.” (I mentioned that when I had broken bone and concussion was unable to have sex but still wanted some kind of activity)

-”uncomfortable when you mention it”. (eg. mention that I had a sexy dream)

-”want more cuddles" & "don't believe that you ever want cuddles that don’t lead to sex” (I do, just not naked bed time ones so that I can sleep)

-”you don’t ‘not feal wanted’ because I tell you I want you , you just want sex.” (i do both feel unwanted sexually in in other ways. I DO want sex or some sort of mutual sensual bond and see nothing wrong that, but no I don’t JUST want sex)

-”You find excuses to touch my butt when you massage me.” (her pain is in her ‘lower-lower back’ ie her upper butt so I don’t understand how I could not. Although I do admit to enjoying a feel every now and again at other times I dread it because it will arouse me making me more frustrated)

-”I feel lonely” (me to, we have at times reached points where we both find it difficult to talk about anything important)

So I had sex for the first time in January. I thought I caught a uti afterwards but my urine test showed no signs of uti . I got an ultrasound done and it also came out pretty normal no kidney stones and nothing wrong with ovaries and uterus

I again had sex in Feb but there were no symptoms of uti but both the times I had this dull constant pain in my lower abdomen for 2 weeks straight. Sometimes I would feel a striking pain for 10 sec and then it would disappear. That pain made me so week and unable to do any work . I felt nauseous and I lost my appetite. I am so scared to have sex again . Can this be latex allergy?

Hi, quick question before I post any details. Is it ok for me the partner of a sufferer to be hear asking questions trying to understand their experience or is it just a space for sufferers?

I Can't sleep anyway.

Hey Y’all (from your mod), 

I just started reading this book: New Directions in Sex Therapy edited by Peggy J.  Kleinplatz, PhD  (numerous essays) and Dr. Kleinplatz is a clinical psychologist and a sexuality educator too.   

She has this great tool that I think I can use, so I thought I’d share.  

When you are feeling apprehensive about sexy time because your body (this includes your brain) is not responding as you want it to, and saying the words are just too difficult emotionally or awkward to do, such as “My body is not working, I am too sick, I’m in too much pain, I can’t even get aroused right now, etc.” you can use a “safeword” to say all of that in one word.  She used the word “bluebird”.   

In Dr. Kleinplatz’s practice, she was finding that people were having trouble expressing anxiousness about their bodies not working or feeling anxious about sexy time and it is tough to say this during sexy time without feeling shameful, or that you will hurt the other person, or guilt of our bodies not working, etc.

Her clients would just say “bluebird” to their lover as soon as the anxious or unwanted feelings started to arrive.  They found that just saying this word released some tension and they knew the partner understood basically what was happening without a long explanation and then they both could respond with the information at hand.  This is similar to someone practicing BDSM who uses a safeword to communicate to their partner to stop the current activity. 

I try my best to not let my guilt or shame of my current body’s function get me down, but it does.  It hurts when I can’t do what I want, especially during sexy time.  I have found in the past when I had to communicate "We can't right now because I am hurting too much," I told myself to just say the facts, like a report, and not put the emotion in it: “My back hurts too much, we can try again later or tomorrow” and not apologizing profusely, or crying or putting myself down or telling myself I am a bad spouse.  If I say it quickly and move on and distract myself with something else helps before the bad thoughts move in.  Now, I can just say “bluebird” (or whatever word works for us) and move on. When I say "bluebird", I am not having to hear myself say the words that make me feel guilty and it helps keep the shame/ guilt away.

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping to get some advice or ideas on how to make things work during intercourse, considering my physical limitations. I’m a guy with Muscular Dystrophy, which has severely affected my ability to move, and I also have scoliosis. As a result, I have difficulty with low pelvis elevation.

I’m not able to sit up on my own, and my legs are difficult to move or straighten due to the muscular dystrophy. My hips are angled because of scoliosis, and I struggle with flexibility, so finding positions that are comfortable and accessible has been a real challenge. Additionally, my legs get in the way, making things even more difficult.

I’ve tried using pillows and different setups, but nothing has really worked so far. I currently use a ceiling track lifter and a sling, and I’ve thought about trying a chair or recliner for positioning, but I’m not sure what would work best.

Has anyone here had similar challenges and found a position, technique, or piece of equipment that works well for them? I’m open to any ideas, whether it’s products like wedges, ramps, or other supports, or even positioning tips that you’ve found helpful.

Thanks in advance for your help and suggestions!

Can’t sleep. Just looking for someone who can relate and chat

Just curious if anyone else has this issue. Sex is very painful and uncomfortable unless there is constant gentle pressure on my pelvis area. Not sure but without the pressure it hurts too much. Anyone else have this? I have an incoming appointment for pelvic therapy but anybody else deal with this and find solutions? TIA