I’m getting married next year, and I’m honestly at a loss with how things have unfolded with my future MIL. I’m looking for advice from other brides who have dealt with a difficult MIL during wedding planning because I feel like what should be an exciting time has become a constant source of stress.
When I first met her, she was incredibly welcoming and loving. We spent time together, went shopping, and developed what I thought was a good relationship. However, after my fiancé and I got engaged, things slowly started changing.
During the engagement party planning, she reportedly kept trying to override decisions my mom and maid of honor had already made. Then, when we started planning our wedding, she began pushing her opinions on things like our guest list, flowers, and decor. I wanted faux flowers, and she insisted we should have real flowers and offered to pay for them. She would repeatedly give her opinions and suggest changes even when we had already discussed what we wanted.
The guest list became a huge issue because she wanted extended family members invited whom my fiancé and I barely know or haven’t spoken to in years. We felt that, since it was our wedding and we were paying for it, we should have the final say over who was invited. This led to multiple arguments and a lot of tension.
My MIL also contacted my mom during one of these disagreements, making it seem as though I was causing problems with wedding planning. My mom stood by the fact that it was our wedding and that we should be allowed to make our own decisions.
Eventually, things got so bad that we all sat down together to try to clear the air and agree to move forward more positively. For a little while, things seemed better.
Then came the mother-of-the-groom dress situation.
My MIL texted me that she was going shopping for a gown. I explained that I hadn’t finalized the formality or colors for the mothers’ attire and asked if she could hold off until I had made those decisions. I also explained that I wasn’t telling her what style to wear, but wanted the attire to complement the overall wedding aesthetic. She took offense, and the situation escalated.
Afterward, we went several weeks with very little communication. Eventually, she sent me a picture of a dress she was considering. It was a cream/ivory color that she referred to as champagne. Since we had already discussed avoiding colors too close to white, my fiancé immediately told her that he wasn’t comfortable with her wearing it.
She argued that it wasn’t too light and tried to justify the color. Then she accidentally sent me a text about alterations a seamstress would make to the dress before immediately deleting it and saying it wasn’t meant for me. From that message, we realized she had already moved forward with the dress despite our previous conversation.
I felt incredibly disrespected because we had already discussed this boundary. My fiancé told her he wasn’t okay with it, and the situation escalated further, with his father accusing him of being disrespectful and essentially telling him not to come around if he was going to act that way.
Around the same time, we had a floral consultation. During the appointment, I suggested that we get my fiancé’s input on certain details for the groomsmen because they were his attendants, too. My MIL responded, “I never met a guy that wants to be so involved with wedding planning. Take that home to him and see what he says.”
She also rolled off a piece of floral tape and threw it across the table toward me after we disagreed about a detail. Later, when offering an idea, she added, “I don’t want you to get upset with me because you usually go home and talk with him and get all mad at me.”
I was embarrassed and shocked that she would make comments like that in front of our florist. It felt as though she was portraying me as controlling and difficult simply for discussing wedding decisions with my fiancé.
After that appointment, we barely spoke for several weeks. She eventually texted my fiancé saying that I controlled everything, that she wasn’t being included, and that he hadn’t stood up for her regarding the dress she liked. She also complained about the rehearsal dinner location, even though she had repeatedly asked me where I wanted it held.
She then texted me directly, telling me to look at my fiancé’s messages and explaining how hurt she was. A couple of days later, she called me about the rehearsal dinner and acted as though everything was completely normal. When I finally told her how hurtful her comments and behavior had been, she started crying, said she wasn’t looking to argue, and hung up.
Since then, communication has been inconsistent. She has started discussing rehearsal dinner decorations and asking about colors, but I still feel uneasy because of everything that has happened. I recently chose my wedding dress, and there was no acknowledgment from her. Then, after I thanked her for sending home some fresh cucumbers with my fiancé, she texted, “Glad you said yes to THE dress,” and didn’t respond further.
I genuinely don’t know how to interpret the back-and-forth. One minute things seem fine, and the next I’m being portrayed as controlling or ungrateful. I feel like I have to be careful about every decision and every conversation because I don’t know what will turn into another conflict.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my engagement feeling anxious about my future MIL. I want to enjoy my wedding planning and have a peaceful relationship with my future husband’s family, but I also don’t want to keep compromising on decisions that belong to us just to avoid upsetting someone.
For those who have dealt with something similar, am I handling this incorrectly? How do you maintain boundaries with a future MIL who interprets wedding decisions as personal rejection? And how do you move forward when there has already been so much tension before the wedding has even happened?
