My Fiancé came out after 13 years together

[u/SixFootFox]

TLDR- My partner/favorite person in the universe came out after 13 years together. I can’t tell anyone for a while, and it’s crushing me. I’m also going through this sober which sucks even more.

Edit- She didn't know, growing up hardcore religious does things to a person's ability to see all possibilities. I know that this was an incredibly hard thing for her to do, and no she hasn't been cheating. I appreciate all of the well meaning comments, but I genuinely don't want advice. I want to be heard.

Edit 2- Again, I know a lot of the comments are well meaning, but I may delete this. I just want to be heard. For some additional context, this person stuck with me after some of the worst days/months/years of my life. I was raped in college and went full hate-the-world MGTOW/redpill. This woman met me like a year into that journey and loved me anyway. She saw my anger and clocked it for what it was, a deep and unprocessed hurt. I didn't even know what to call my experience when we initially met. I had a lot of hang ups around sex for the first few years of our relationship, and she was incredibly kind when navigating that. She introduced me to animal fostering, coffee, and a new outlook on the world. This relationship has made me a better person, and she has earned goodwill.

Edit 3 (final) - Thank you to everyone who messaged with your experiences. My partner is someone I want in my life, even after I'm done referring to her as such. This post did prompt me to talk to her about setting a timeline and expectations. We're going to be living together for the foreseeable future for a variety of reasons (I'm on contract, we live away from our family support systems, we have an elderly rescue dog that's been around for most of our relationship, etc...) She also told her brother so I don't have to keep putting on the act at home. Side note, he's a great dude. And we agreed to call our parents separately before we update the rest of our friends about our relationship.

Dinner is Pineapple Fried Rice

I’ve (35M) been with my fiance (37F) for 13 years. She is my favorite human, my best friend, and I’ve loved building our little life together. Last weekend she told me she’s gay. I am doing my best to be supportive, which includes keeping this under wraps until she has enough time to figure out what this means for her. For example, she’d like to go to some LGBTQ events, book clubs, and other places where she can find a place to fit in. 

We have a lot of LGBTQ+ friends, and a lot of family who are at varying levels of anti-gay (my family). Going public with this means we’re going to have to deal with both at the same time. A lot of our bi and lesbian friends are definitely going to be weird around my partner (they’ve been openly attracted to her ever since we moved here), and my family is going to assume the worst about her. I’m already mentally preparing for my mom to ask me about whether I’m going to demand the engagement ring back. There’s going to be a lot of people asking a lot of questions, and frankly I don’t think either of us are ready to manage all of that.

The only exception to this vow of secrecy is a few close friends of mine who live out of state, which my partner agreed to since she knows that I need support too. Otherwise, I feel like the majority of my life at this point is putting on an act. I have to pretend I’m fine at work. I have to pretend I’m fine to our mutual friends. And since her brother lives with us, I even have to pretend I’m fine at home (he’s definitely going to tell her whole family once he finds out). Home is the hardest one because there’s still hugs, kisses, and I love yous. 

I feel like I’m breaking. There’s a black hole in my chest. 

I also can’t escape. Neither of us can afford the life we’ve built together if we separate. And if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to leave her. I haven’t had many relationships in my life, but the few I’ve had tended to last longer than most other people my age. I’m a painfully monogamous person and outside of one outlier in college, my relationships have all been relatively low drama and incredibly calm. My partner is the embodiment of calm comfort.

The darker side to all of this; for the last few years our intimacy has dwindled down to 1-2 times a year, and it always felt like it was something she was doing explicitly for me (makes a lot of sense now). It made me feel inadequate and it brought up some bad memories from an experience I had in college (SA). I told her that it bothered me, but at some point I kind of just accepted that everything else in my life was so good that I’d be willing to go without. This led to me drinking whenever I felt lonely. 

That turned into drinking nearly every night since COVID quarantine ended. She didn’t call me out often because she knew the topic of intimacy would come up, and I didn’t bring up intimacy because I knew it would make her uncomfortable and that I’d just end up feeling inadequate or triggered anyway. I never got to the point of stumbling around making a fool of myself or being hungover at work, but I’ve definitely been known to pass out on the couch a few times a week.

I guess if there’s a silver lining to any of this, I poured all of my IPAs down the sink two nights ago. So on top of dealing with everything that’s going on, I’m doing it sober. 

In any case, this feels like as good a place as any to put this down where someone else can know what’s going on. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a few years. I’m a very social person with a lot of great people in my life, and I can’t let nearly any of them know that my world is dissolving. Worse, I just completed a grad program so everyone has been excitedly asking about what I’m doing with all of my newfound free time. 

I desperately want to tell them that I’ve been knocked down and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to get back up again. The thought of staying stoic while I send her off like a kid going to her first day of school, knowing she’s going to find someone there that isn’t me; it feels like I’m being torn in half. I love her and want her to have what she needs, but she also has my whole heart and I don't want her to let it go.

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[u/Average_Muffin_999]

Fuck. I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you, but at the same time, I really respect your decision for sobriety. Going through something like this, sober, I cannot fathom personally, and I commend you for that. 🫂

[u/SilentBtAmazing → u/Average_Muffin_999]

I quit drinking completely when I was getting divorced. I find intoxicants can make the bad stuff a lot worse.

[u/Forward-Big8697 → u/SilentBtAmazing]

Ain't that the truth, and feeling the bad while sober makes everything else feel better in comparison

[u/alasw0eisme → u/SilentBtAmazing]

Exactly. That's the only way I was able to kick the booze. When shit got really bad, alcohol would make it a hundred times worse.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/SilentBtAmazing]

Yeah, I stayed away from all intoxicants for the first few months after someone I love died, and the first weeks after a breakup. The more I want to escape, the less it's a good idea to give myself that option

[u/NplnBnrFrt]

Yeah you definitely need to look out for yourself in this situation, brother. The faster you separate and detangle, the easier it will be for you. Therapy heavily recommended.

[u/ZippingAround]

I went through something similar years ago with my ex, except he didn't come out, I had to flat out ask him as one stage of our miserable years-long breakup. He slowly and painfully separated us in stages to work on his mental health which, to be fair, was a shambles for a variety of reasons.

Eventually he was encouraging me to have casual flings with other people, and my first one ended up being with my now-husband who loves me the way I needed to be loved for so many years. Months after I cut off contact, my ex got in touch to say hello and let me know he was dating a man.

You will find someone who won't leave you drinking every night because you're so lonely. When there's something so essential missing, it feels like being in a haunted house in ways you don't even recognize. But it will take time to heal, you have to grieve the life you have had together, even if you weren't happy. The loneliness you felt with her will be worse than the freedom you will feel living on your own and making all your decisions for your own happiness. Wishing the best for you.

[u/fotopic → u/ZippingAround]

Yeah, OP needs to recognize that she hasn’t been there for him for at least 6 years(since de pandemic). She left him drink himself until he passed out in the couch without any help or support just to avoid the intimacy topic. This is so sad. The worst part is that OP don’t see it and is still in the supportive partner mode for her.

[u/Mattr567]

I know you said it's not easy, but this is no way to live. Maybe make it look like a straight breakup and just get out. Her coming out is on her. For your own sanity man, if you have to downgrade your lifestyle, do it. Your outside lifestyle might be good, but inside and for years now it's in the gutter.

[u/intergalactic_pigeon → u/Mattr567]

Completely agree. OP needs to break up with her ASAP and get out. If anyone asks, they can just say they aren’t compatible anymore and leave it at that. She can come out to her family and friends on her own terms, but them pretending to still be in a healthy relationship for the time being will mess with OP’s head. Nobody wants to play charades at work, home, and everywhere in between. That’s absolutely no way to live. Better to rip off the bandaid now and get it over with. Also, OP shouldn’t let her keep the engagement ring. She already wasted 13 years of his life, that’s the least she owes him back.

[u/0hTarnished]

Damn... I'm sorry you're going through this. All I can recommend is that you both go your separate ways as soon as possible. I'm not saying dont be friends down the line, but not right now. You both need to grow into who you're going to become but now individually. And definitely find a therapist.

[u/Brannte]

Scream into the void, pray. Gym, HELLA cardio, vent to us on reddit. Stay alive OP because good lord is this heavy.

[u/10000Didgeridoos → u/Brannte]

Why does every single story in this subreddit have dudes like BRO GO TO THE GYM like the gym is some kind of mediation temple of higher consciousness? I seriously don't understand it.

Might as well tell them to go to the library

[u/plsnothrowawayty → u/10000Didgeridoos]

I think it’s a healthy outlet to work out physical frustration and put your mind at a bit of ease. I started going to the gym and I found it lessened my stress and made me a better person to be around. I think some people take it too far but even just picking up stuff and going caveman brain can help the thoughts.

[u/LadyOfIthilien → u/plsnothrowawayty]

Better than gym, go into the wilderness. Everything else feels small, you walk and see the sky and the sun and the trees and you realize you can survive most anything if you put one foot in front of the other and take care of your basic needs.

[u/Pale_Presence4662 → u/LadyOfIthilien]

Yes it is pretty good but for guys its very helpful to just move shit around. Whether that be working on your house or sports or artificially in the gym.

[u/Inspector_Gadgett → u/Pale_Presence4662]

Yeah, gotta do something with the energy. Now I understand why my husband is so active around the house before sitting down to do a big project. Doing something with your body or hands helps a lot.

[u/StreetPhilosopher42 → u/10000Didgeridoos]

Library is a great suggestion too!

Working out is about burning through bad feelings with physical activity. This has three benefits: 1) provide a physical and psychological outlet that doesn’t require anyone else; 2) get into, or stay, in decent of better physical shape so you don’t have to start doing that once the big grief is more in hand than not; and 3) that physical shape can raise up, or keep up, confidence.

[u/bonaynay → u/StreetPhilosopher42]

God, I wish I ever felt good from exercise.

[u/TheToddFatherII → u/10000Didgeridoos]

Everyone’s mileage will vary, but the gym saved my life without a shadow of a doubt. Mostly because it set a routine and it meant I had to get up and do something. It’s definitely not a temple of higher consciousness though, I’m not sure why you’d think that but I’ve never seen that suggested personally. Love your suggestion of the library too, that’s another great option that could work great for people

[u/Wise_Focus_309 → u/10000Didgeridoos]

Sometimes it's better to concentrate on something concrete like running on a treadmill or lifting something heavy than to dwell on a problem that has no solution other than sadness.

Getting out of your own head can be a form of therapy. It allows perspective by creating distance from the problem.

OP loves his partner. His partner has realized that she cannot be happy in the current relationship. For the time being, she wants him to pretend while she readies herself to come out to others. No one in this situation is in a good place. OP could use an escape, even for just the time it takes to work up a sweat.

[u/_Prodigal-Son → u/10000Didgeridoos]

The Library could actually be useful to him. It’s a calm place where he can be away from home and possibly find outlets to help him cope( clubs and socializing) or just sit in silence out of the painful environment. And whenever he’s ready to move on he might have some connections there.

[u/psylicibent → u/10000Didgeridoos]

to be honest prioritizing physical health while have mental health ups and downs is pretty good advice for all genders. when everything in your head is loud, hard physical exercise is a good way to quiet it down so yes it can be like a “meditation temple of higher consciousness” to some people. i personally like hiking and being outdoors but different strokes for different folks 🤷‍♂️. if you have a better idea maybe mention that and try to help instead of snidely pointing out you don’t understand why people exercise when their depressed.

[u/Any-Yellow-3248 → u/10000Didgeridoos]

Probably because it’s a healthy outlet for your stress where you can learn about yourself while connecting with people who have a growth mindset, and also being in good shape is an attractive quality for finding a new partner if/when one decides to do that

[u/Born-Veterinarian353 → u/10000Didgeridoos]

i think the point is is that movement is a healthy outlet for grief and coping mechanism and also a way to stay sober. they’re obviously not saying that’s the only answer. a piece of a holistic pie

[u/Rynewulf → u/10000Didgeridoos]

"Go on a trip to <insert country here> to find yourself" is girl coded, so bros have to be told to hit the gym instead.

Both can be good, but when it's a boilerplate advice it becomes more about the interests of the advisor than anything else. For all we know OP already works out regularly, it hasnt been mentioned

[u/IIILordDunbar → u/10000Didgeridoos]

Exercise releases endorphins, so it's a healthy way to physically help your body process heavy feelings. I absolutely hate exercising but sometimes the only way I can get myself out of a spiral is to get on the treadmill and just go until my heart is racing from the exercise and not anxiety.

[u/Training-Leek-9898 → u/10000Didgeridoos]

Yes. Go to library. Go to the park. Go to the gym. Why are you against bettering one’s self?

[u/Gyro_Zeppeli13]

I don’t mean to sound like your mom here but I do hope you are getting the engagement ring back. Definitely don’t let her keep it.

[u/RudePCsb → u/Gyro_Zeppeli13]

Yea, not sure why he wouldn't. He needs to focus on himself and to not try and win her with resources. Needs to save all his money and focus on himself. He needs to rip the bandaid as they say as soon as possible

[u/SeasonalChatter]

Fuck, this is soul crushing

[u/nayheyxus]

"Home is the hardest one because there’s still hugs, kisses, and I love yous".
Buddy you are being emotionally fucked because of this situation right here, you need to cut her off. I know its hard after that amount of time, but your post illustrated a lot about how much your sacrificing for her, yet I didnt read about her sacraficing anything for you.

Get your ring back,

[u/radioactive-2037 → u/nayheyxus]

This is the truth. You can and should support her decision, but you need to be your first priority right now. Please, please get in therapy immediately. The longer you put off focusing on yourself, the more traumatic this is going to be to be for you. Please understand that this is anything but selfish. A therapist can help you navigate this challenging time and help you establish healthy boundaries while you support your friend on their journey.

[u/FadedTiger49]

I get you’re trying to be supportive, but on the flip side she is also breaking up with you in a devastating manner. Take care of yourself first, be honest with your family, don’t limit the people who can support you to a list she approved.

[u/quieropupusas]

I'm sorry for your loss, stay strong, brother. My ex-wife came out after 7 years together, putting her through college and making sure she was taken care of while in school. Your feelings are valid, take time for yourself to heal. Do not bend over backwards for someone you will soon be separated from. I would recommend separating as soon as you can, as your relationship is never going to be what it was. Much love from an internet stranger

[u/caffpanda]

You can't afford the life you've built if you separate? No, you can't afford this life if you stay. You think your drinking's been bad before, imagine how it'll be when you're home alone while she's out getting laid. And it's only a matter of time before she meets someone, falls in love, and decides to stop living with you anyway.

I'm a nonmonogamous person who actually has nonsexual partnerships as well, and it's very clear this isn't what you want at all. Forcing yourself to be okay with it will only build resentment and hurt. There's an amicable path to end this, but an incredible disaster waiting if you let it reach the end on its own.

[u/ymf_yokai]

Get in contact with a lawyer and don't break yourself trying to support someone else. Stay strong comrade.

[u/Mattr567 → u/ymf_yokai]

They're not married? Just a fiancé. Luckily it didn't happen later on.

[u/somehuehue → u/Mattr567]

This could be considered a common-law marriage.

[u/Mattr567 → u/somehuehue]

That's a good point. Depends on state and specific circumstances. Though I do think OP would have mentioned it.

[u/MischiefAforethought → u/somehuehue]

Very unlikely, but that wasn't a bad thought/consideration. Only 8 states even have common law marriage, and to the best of my knowledge, all of those include "holding yourselves out publicly as a married couple" as a required element. So if they called each other fiance/held themselves out publicly as such, there couldn't be a CLM.

[u/RudePCsb → u/ymf_yokai]

This. Do not try to win her or anything. Split whatever and separate as fast as possible when you can. There is no point in staying in this romantic relationship and be prepared to having to remove yourself from a friendship for a good while because it's not fair to yourself to have get linger and remind you of the relationship that isn't there.

Save your money for you and look out for you as soon as you are able to leave You need to focus on yourself and just remove yourself from that heartache.

[u/10000Didgeridoos → u/ymf_yokai]

Lawyer for what?

[u/Worth_Candidate_786]

You need to cut ties and do it quickly for your own sanity.

[u/droopydogofficial]

Hey big dawg, going through something very similar. Looks like you know to ignore the haters from your edits. What's hard for folks to understand is that she's probably your best friend, which is why the relationship worked so long anyway. My partner admitted when I asked why she waited so long that she was trying to avoid hurting me. Mission failed successfully.

Anyway feel free to reach out. Good luck.

[u/DarthMatrixAtreides]

Hey bright side… wasn’t 14 years!

Please see a therapist about this. You need a healthy non-objective person to unload and unpack this with.

[u/AsexualArowana → u/DarthMatrixAtreides]

I want to quote Carl from ATHF.

"yeah, you can stop trying to be positive. This sucks and you know it"

[u/seraphimcaduto]

Fuck, dude that’s hard. Frankly, I think she abandoned you six years ago and may have screwed up your entire 30s trying to find a partner that you could’ve been with and had kids if that’s what you desired.

She will likely get hate from those in your family and hers that are anti-gay and she will get all the love and support from those of your friends that are supportive, but I am worried that you’re basically going to get nothing. I don’t say this lightly but as much as she may have been your best friend I think you need better friends. She literally left you hanging for at least the past six years where you could’ve found a different partner and now you’re still stuck living with them because you can’t afford to leave. You could have left when the economy was better, found someone else and had a stable home and family but now your realistically screwed and not in the way that you’ve been looking for for the past decade, unfortunately.

I wish you the best of luck: stay sober, get in shape and fight for the love help and support that you deserve because frankly it sounds like she’s going to attempt to lean on you again and you’re going to bel left picking up your own pieces AND hers. Don’t go red pill and go to therapy dude.

[u/FlowerBedDead]

Bi gal in a longterm wlw relationship.

I appreciate your commitment to protecting her, but it's unfair for you to be expected to pretend like you're fine because she is making the decision to come out.

[u/flopflapper]

Being gay and closeted isn’t a free pass to be an awful person.

[u/KoboldInATophat → u/flopflapper]

Damn straight.

Uh...

[u/goongoblin113xc → u/flopflapper]

Damn right

[u/Away_Handle9543 → u/flopflapper]

Exactly 

[u/OldeManKenobi]

You don't owe her your performance as a beard. End this and feel free to be honest as to why exactly the relationship ended.

[u/mmt0ptmm]

Do you have a local PFLAG chapter? Believe it or not, support groups exist for folks in your position. Wishing you all the best in co-creating a fulfilling relationship with your partner.

[u/SixFootFox → u/mmt0ptmm]

Thank you for this, PFLAG is actually something that's helpful to learn about. I was getting ready to delete this post after the sheer amount of vitriol directed at my partner. She's still my best friend, our living situation is pretty cemented for the near term, and I'm not looking to get into another relationship for a good long while.

[u/OpenerOfTheWays → u/SixFootFox]

You will want to check out OurPath alongside PFLAG. They started out as a spin off from PLFAG called Straight Spouse Network, and they are a peer to peer support group that specializes in mixed orientation relationship situations and dynamics. They'll have more resources specific to your needs.

[u/aceofsuomi → u/SixFootFox]

With all due respect, she isn't your partner anymore, and hasn't been for a long time.

Sometimes it is easier to pretend in misery than it is to be brave, but you need to rip the bandage off before you lose what's rest of your self respect and it turns to resentment. I was about your age when I got out of my first marriage. It's difficult, even looking back from a happy life and a happy marriage, not to shake my head at the fact that I wasted a decade of my youth on her.

[u/mmt0ptmm → u/SixFootFox]

I haven’t read all people’s comments here but it seems lots of the replies got ugly pretty fast. I’m sorry that people are so casually flattening your relationship and encouraging you to bail “to spare yourself further hurt” as if abandoning the connection is the right/only/best way to cope. That is really hard.

You must be feeling so many things all at once. It’s not like you asked reddit to dogpile yet here they are, villainizing your partner. I do agree with the suggestions to connect with a therapist, and I hope PFLAG offers the resources you need to find a path through this major life altering change.

You mentioned your role in her coming out to others and a prediction that some will take it hard. You are very kind and considerate thinking about advocating for her acceptance among the others. It’s totally warranted for you to limit how much of that you can bear, too. Take care of yourself, dude.

Edit: I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to cross into advice territory. This was poured from my heart as it’s clear you’re hurting. I hope the way it lands is okay.

[u/seraphimcaduto → u/mmt0ptmm]

I think the reason why this got ugly fast, even myself included, is that we all expect the partner that we want to spend our life with would not do this to us for years. It’s not exactly like they are young anymore and 13 years puts him around 24 when they started. Additionally she needs him to keep it up until she’s ready, but what we didn’t hear is what about him? He’s only been allowed to tell a few people and he’s literally at a breaking point while she has as much time as she needs to move on. He’s in his late 30s and frankly that’s an entirely different dating scene now for him to be starting over. He’s also gonna need a lot of therapy to get over this so you’re talking possibly 40 before he’s really ready and able to date again. We are so hard I his partner because we’ve only heard what she has needed for him to do for her and not what she is actively doing for him.

Frankly, if she’s actually doing anything for him, that’s helping him, it would be worthy of putting in as an edit. This is literally the kind of thing that drives our fellow men into the red pill world and we try desperately to pull them from going down. This is nightmare fuel for many of us.

[u/mmt0ptmm → u/seraphimcaduto]

Coming out doesn’t mean she was willfully sitting on this information the entire relationship. As OP mentioned, she had an upbringing heavy with religious influence. Which may mean she was naive to her own sexuality for a long time too. Anything outside of the “hardcore religion”-sanctioned heteronormative path would mean rejection by her family and community. It’s not an environment where someone could safely question their wants and desires.

Then there’s internalized homophobia to contend with as well. Whenever it was that she realized she was gay, there would have been even more to process before communicating openly about it. Assessing who is safe to talk to about it, contending with possible loss of social networks, housing, etc. Disclosure to her partner is one component of a much bigger process.

[u/seraphimcaduto → u/mmt0ptmm]

Oh I agree with all of that, it’s the forcing him to keep it secret and not take steps to help himself that’s incredibly selfish. She’s asking him to keeping her social networks, housing, etc open for her to make a soft landing and relaunch her life. Will she do the same for him?

[u/mmt0ptmm → u/seraphimcaduto]

I hear that, and still your take seems to have a slant on it that I didn’t glean from what OP shared. He said neither of them can afford to stop cohabitating, and he wants to remain in each others’ lives. As for the soft landing - he isn’t going to out her because… well that would be going nuclear and most definitely terminate their connection. He was just coming here to get it off his chest and make some space for himself. I imagine if he included any info on what she’s doing to support him thru this it would’ve gotten him shitty comments for doing that. His exclusion of saying if she wants him to avoid pain too does not mean she has not demonstrated that to him. He didn’t come here to defend. He needed space for his own feelings.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/seraphimcaduto]

They are still young (especially nowadays, with people delaying marriage, divorcing, delaying having children or choosing not to have them). That said, 13 years is a long time...op is 35, so he was about 22 when he started his relationship with his still friend but no longer partner of 13 years. I do agree that it is a very long time and as a bisexual woman myself, I find it very discouraging that even in the far more lgbtq accepting world that we now live in (at least, western world), people can take so long to discover their sexuality. I do understand how religious beliefs can create denial or fear of being rejected by others, but other people shouldn't be collateral...you can just be single until you figure yourself out or can become financially and emotionally independent from a family/community that doesn't accept you...I determined that I liked women when I was 14, by 16 I had determined that I also liked men...attraction is felt, biologically. I do feel sorry for op, and while I understand that he feels love and sympathy for his longtime partner, he needs to be more selfish. We shouldn't set ourselves on fire to keep others warm.

[u/OpenerOfTheWays → u/mmt0ptmm]

PFLAG has a lot of good resources, but OP will feel like he's getting invited to set himself on fire to keep her warm with how some of it is presented.

[u/mmt0ptmm → u/OpenerOfTheWays]

This is possible, sure. It’s always best to “take what helps and leave the rest” when it comes to peer support groups..

[u/OpenerOfTheWays → u/mmt0ptmm]

PFLAG resources skew hard towards almost every situation but mixed sexual orientation relationships. There's actually an organization that spun off from PFLAG called OurPath that used to be called Straight Spouse Network because of that.

[u/mmt0ptmm → u/OpenerOfTheWays]

Thanks - didn’t know about that one.

[u/OpenerOfTheWays → u/mmt0ptmm]

To be clear, I'm not saying PFLAG is a bad group, it's just that some types of resources are not distributed equally across the network*, so it will be YMMV for OP. The NYC chapter, as an example, has a dedicated Partners Group for those with partners that have come out or are transitioning. Hopefully they get the support and helps they need as well as being able to be some level of support for his stbx on their journey.

• Edit: If there is no dedicated resource for partners at their local chapter, then they might find the tone or approach to be a bit one directional. He needs support too, not just encouragement and direction on how to do so for someone else.

[u/liver747]

My main takeaway is she saw you start drinking, and going deeper into alcoholism, because of a lack of intimacy.

She didn't want to bring up your drinking because she knew it would veer back to lack of intimacy (which she didn't want to talk about for reasons that you state) so she let you keep drinking.

You love what you had but she doesn't sound like a good person to be around for you. You don't see someone you love go deeper into substance issues and just stay mum.

Big dog you gotta respect yourself first and move on. You don't have to out her but you also don't have to stay to keep up appearances.

[u/samwulfe]

Get your ring back, sell it and get out. You CANNOT be there.

[u/133756]

Gym, tan, laundry & therapy.

[u/NedsBastard1 → u/133756]

Pauly D would approve. Get the cabs and get out

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ohs7SQ7XwWdxKXg6A

[u/hypersmashh → u/NedsBastard1]

cabs are heeaaaa

[u/Empty_Kay]

But why the secrecy?  It sounds like it is taking a huge toll on you, and y'all just need to rip the bandaid off and let things fall where they fall.    

[u/beerandglitter → u/Empty_Kay]

Because sometimes it’s not safe or people are not able to come out to other people in their lives. It makes perfect sense to me.

[u/Empty_Kay → u/beerandglitter]

I understand that, but asking my dude here to mourn the death of the future he thought he had in forced solitude is the antithesis of what we're telling men they should be doing.  Putting on airs that nothing is wrong for the sake of a housemate is cruel to my dude.  Surely you recognize that as much as I can recognize that it isn't always safe for queer people to be their authentic selves.  There are middle grounds here that absolutely should be discussed.

For starters: publicly announce that the wedding is no longer happening.  Let my dude mourn the end of his relationship with the support he deserves.  When people ask why, a simple "it's complicated" or "that's private and I don't want to discuss it" will suffice.  "We realized that we aren't a good fit for each other in the long term, and decided it is best that we walk away now on good terms while it is not as messy".  

Any of those will work.

[u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

Dude just end the relationship. What shes asking of you is fucked up. Just get the ball rolling and start getting the divorce ready.

I knew a chick where this happened to her. The dude apologized said he was gay and that he was going to start the divorce process. He thought it was morally wrong to string her along in a weird lavender marriage. (Something she suggested)

[u/pridetwo → u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

Why do you think he needs to get ready for a divorce with his fiancee who he isnt married to?

[u/doctorbeepboop → u/pridetwo]

The number of people talking about divorce is wild. We’re surrounded by people who are partially literate but compulsively need to share their opinion about everything (even if their opinion is expressly discouraged.) 

[u/pridetwo → u/doctorbeepboop]

I feel like theres a lot of people in this sub who use the comments section as their soapbox for their own personal grievances and have very little interest in a given OP's specific situation

[u/AnimalDrum54]

You deserve happiness too. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You and her are going to have to really be honest and communicative with each other if you plan to stay in each others lives. Good luck and stay strong.

[u/MagnaCartaHolySnail]

You’re telling me a pineapple fried that rice?

[u/equality-_-7-2521]

You sound like a good guy and I can totally understand loyalty to someone you've been for with so long and through so much together. I can appreciate that she needs some time to get it all together and that you're okay doing it.

I just want to suggest you don't let it go on for too long. You deserve better than to be her beard and it would be tragic if you kept pretending while she was out building a life only to learn that, once she leaves, you haven't built one for yourself.

It's admirable that you want to take care of her, but make sure to take care of yourself as well.

[u/mva06001]

Feels incredibly selfish of her to:

1. Drop this on you after 13 years, especially when it’s pretty clear she’s known about this for at least the near term past.

2. Put seemingly massive boundaries on how you cope with losing your romantic partner and future wife.

She’s “letting you” talk to a couple friends out of state. Wow. How brave.

Why can’t she figure this out in the open? Why can’t she allow you to speak with others about this that are in a closer position to help?

I think you’re naturally being extremely supporting, and deferential to her to support her needs while pushing yours to the side. What is she doing to support you?

I think you really need to sit down and take some agency in this transition. The longer you let this just be something you’re seemingly a bystander to and expected to just happily go along, the more detrimental this will be to your mental health. What are you going to do when she starts bringing women into your home?

You are being the good guy here. And there’s nothing wrong with being supportive to someone you love going through a hard transition, but take care of yourself too and don’t get walked all over even more.

[u/Traditional-Cat-9355 → u/mva06001]

This. If she didn’t want people to know, she didn’t have to tell OP she’s leaving him because she’s gay. She’s forcing him to shoulder her burden. She expects his support while actively betraying him.

[u/JokeFamous1296 → u/mva06001]

Because she’s an extremely selfish person, based on this account. The part that makes me hurt the most for OP is her performatively carrying on the relationship in front of her brother in OPs own home. That’s massively unfair to ask and act on.

She let him propose, and she accepted, seemingly while she knew she was having these thoughts. She’s not allowed to dictate how OP deals with his relationship falling apart after almost a decade and a half. OP has as much or more right to grieve the end of his relationship as his partner has to deal with her newfound sexuality.

[u/Single_Shoe2817 → u/mva06001]

Well phrased!

[u/Emergency_Writer_007]

Sorry you’re going through this brother. Honestly you’re a bigger man than me like sure I wouldn’t out her but no way I’m doing hugs, kisses and I love yous.

To me that’s her being selfish and not caring how it affects you cause she isn’t ready for everyone to know the truth.

I think you should stop acting for her, she made this decision and now she needs to navigate it however that looks but being her “Beard” so nobody knows isn’t good for you

[u/IWouldLikeAName → u/Emergency_Writer_007]

Forcing someone you know loves you to be your beard is insane and fucked up. The ring is the least of his worries but why wouldn't he get it back? Everything about this reads as him sacrificing constantly for her comfort and i get that LGBTQ discrimination is extremely prevalent and something to consider but that doesn't excuse her selfishness. She needs to give something as well. It can be that they stop intimacy at home and she can confide to her brother that she's lost a spark or something and that they're working through it or something.

[u/Shadowtirs]

My poor brother, we are here for you.

You drew up a truly, shitty card. You can't blame anyone here. The lack of intimacy, was a major warning sign. You tried to be a good person about it, so I understand passing it by.

I truly hope this person wasn't stringing you along, for so long. I genuinely hope she was truly conflicted, otherwise drawing you along like this would have been exceptionally cruel.

Everyone has a right to be who they are. But it is upon every single individual person to minimize the collateral damage self journeys can inflict. Sometimes it can't be helped I suppose, people need time to wrestle with who they are, but man the past few years of 1 to 2 times of sex a year, the first or second year should have probably been the conversation.

Pain means you cared. Time does heal wounds. You're facing a shit storm with your family. And she should give the ring back.

Please, please go to the gym. I know it's a funny line here, and I always use the tag line "see you in the gym", but believe me my guy there are mountains and mountains of research and data that show going to the gym will physically, emotionally, and mentally heal you. Start with 2 times a week, work your way up to 4 to help grind out some of this crazy frustration.

We love you bro. We got your back. See you in the gym.

[u/leisa2100]

I’m so sorry OP, you really need to distance yourself from her so you don’t go crazy. She needs to find her new path and so do you. You can’t stay and support her, think of yourself and leave.

[u/AUnknownVariable]

Man, I'm so proud of you for going through this sober, stay strong.

My heart is breaking for you bruh, you need to work on getting out of their as soon as possible. Not bc she's shit ofc, but bc its obviously bad for you. I wish you the best

And good on you for your reaction. I think too many people assume nefarious things in situations like this, but coming from someone that has grown up in a religious area of the South, that shit gets you and holds you down even after you walk away for ages.

[u/MrHowling]

Girl lurker her (and gay). It's not unheard of for someone to not truly understand who they are for years...until for whatever reason one day it clicks. With that said, I think the skepticism is justified. The continued kisses/hugs/I love yous might just be routine at this point. Whether she actually IS a lesbian or not really isn't the point anymore, she's proceeding like she is and you're unfortunately caught in the shit storm of this revelation.

I hope you're able to move out or otherwise put some distance between the two of you, even if it means a change in comfort and lifestyle. It's completely unfair for her to expect you to shoulder this news without drawing boundaries to protect your well-being in the process. I'm sorry this happened.

[u/Humble-Ad2886 → u/MrHowling]

Hey i am like you as well and was on the girls side of a similar experience. When you deeply care for someone and don’t really understand your sexuality (until it presents itself) it can be super confusing to still have deep love for the person you’re with. Those feelings can be just as confusing and messy for the person experiencing them as they are for their partner. It sucks, but it’s true.

[u/seraphimcaduto → u/MrHowling]

Serious question for the girl lurkers here: most of our gut reactions is to feel like this is just wrong that she’s asking him to shoulder this much of the burden without telling anybody. How would you proceed if you were OP’s partner and just came out to him? What kind of love and support would you provide for him? If this is what you were asking? What kind of actions should he be doing and what is she not doing?

This just feels wrong from any perspective, but I would really love some input because for some reason, this is unsettled me more than it should from a random person.

[u/MrHowling → u/seraphimcaduto]

I guess to actually answer your question, I don't think there's really a way for her to support him other than letting him do what he needs to do to stay sane tbh. It's an unfair ask to keep this enormous development under wraps, but if he's willing to do that out of kindness, then so be it. Nothing about this situation is really "fair" so again it depends on what kindness can be provided without it causing harm, which is up to OP. I think his partner needs to be prepared for the reality of coming out as gay after participating in a heterosexual marriage for 13 years. Not right or wrong, just that shit is going to change, and probably quickly.

[u/seraphimcaduto → u/MrHowling]

Thank you. This is what I was trying to articulate and thought was the answer, but I couldn’t come out and put it into words like you so eloquently did.

[u/MrHowling → u/seraphimcaduto]

Honestly, I have no idea. I've never even remotely been in this situation, so I can't say (I've known I was gay since I was little lmao it was pretty obvious). I think that neither of them really OWE each other any grace at all. I think any kindness or courtesy here is more from being genuinely good people and not trying to hurt the other on purpose. 13 years is a LONG time, and I'm sure there is genuine love here. But the situation would be so messy, heartbreaking in different ways, and probably kind of a mind fuck, especially for OP, that I don't know. Part of the price of figuring out who you are and living your truth is often the sacrifice of comfort. OP is being incredibly kind to his partner, but only he can say if it's to his detriment.

Again, I would suggest some stronger boundaries.

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/seraphimcaduto]

If I were op's partner, I would sincerely and profusely apologize to op. 13 years is a long time. Afterwards, I would find alternate accommodation for myself. I would try to impact op financially as little as possible. I wouldn't ask anything from op. I would hope that we could continue being friends, but would understand if he wouldn't want to, for his own wellbeing. I would prepare myself for the social changes that would come with me living my sexuality. But I would try to be as fair to op as possible, as I would be the reason for him uprooting his life projects and life expectations.

[u/ForeverThen8638 → u/MrHowling]

Adding onto this that I was in a similar position and it was just as difficult for me to process emotionally. You’re right that the kisses/hugs/I love yous are just routine.

As a woman you hear your friends complain that their sex lives with their husbands are lacking and you internalize that as a normal experience. It’s part of comphet and why people don’t always know they’re gay.

I’m sure his partner still loves him platonically and that’s part of what made it so confusing to come to terms with.

My advice is to move out and go no contact for a little while so you can process this and grieve. It doesn’t need to be forever, honestly my ex and I are still in good graces and frequently chat. I still consider him a best friend because of everything we had been through together and both of us knowing we don’t need to lose our friendship just because it’s not romantic. It does take a level of maturity and space to get to that point.

[u/Endreeemtsu]

Bro don’t cuuck yourself to support her.

Just leave and move on.

[u/Traditional-Cat-9355 → u/Endreeemtsu]

Tell her to gtfo. 13 years? I’m all for people figuring out who they are, but that’s 13 years of your life down the drain.

[u/Daewrythe → u/Traditional-Cat-9355]

Well we don't wanna make it 14 years

[u/Single_Shoe2817 → u/Traditional-Cat-9355]

It’s worse. It’s 13 years of him in his prime age. 20s to 30s

[u/inredditorbit]

Threw me for a loop initially because the title made me think you were gay.

Fiancée is a female and fiancé is a male.

Very sorry to hear how the disclosure tears you apart. It’s clear the love you feel magnifies everything about it.

[u/chase_yung]

Wow that's rough, I got deeply entangled in a 1 year relationship and the breakup left me floored for 2, can't imagine 13 years. I was like you, wanting to do whatever I could to make the breakup easier for her too, so if that's what you've decided then be sure to see it through the best you can. I didn't have people telling me to think of myself and look out for me in the same way, that awareness came later but even after it did I didn't regret going through it because I saw it as my own way of paying homage to what we had, do you see it the same way?

I will say though, it's for the best if she doesn't invite people over in a romantic way until you get to move out. Especially if it's one of your friends you guys already know. That kinda thing is not good for you and you're better off not being near such an experience.

Wishing the best for you! You'll get through this

[u/WitchPleese]

My friend, this is heavy. There's so much to unpack here, but, can you move out? This is so unfair. 13 year engagement and she wants to start living that life secretly while you suffer? No, sir. Absolutely not.

This sounds like she's known for a while and is asking you not to mourn so she can go explore. Can yall come up with an agreeable story to tell family so you can exit? Shes 37, she can put on her big girl panties and deal instead of putting you through this. I hope you find the space to heal. You can support her journey, but not to this extreme.

[u/NobleGoose77]

Stay strong and sober friend, you have all the tools to succeed on this path, and you'll find someone who doesn't ignore your severe problems simply to ignore the inconvenient truth that I bet she's known for longer than she thinks.

Now, what happened to her was bad, but it doesn't give her license to keep you on the leash for her protection, she has, in fact, NOT been helping you with long running issues, and in fact, turned a blind eye to them just for her protection. That is NOT love. That is a shield. and the fact that you pulled yourself out of that dark MGTOW/ Red pill BS, means you have a great heart. As someone who was also raped in college and fell down some dark paths (particularly around women) too, getting back out and seeing people as people is one of the hardest things to do when you're being manipulated by a fucked up movement that wants to use you as fodder for it to advance.

You're a good man with a good heart, so it will only be a matter of time before you find a new partner, but that truth doesn't make it easier. you have to do 4 things: Grieve, get out of your home, get a lawyer, and don't be too hard on yourself. If its necessary, claim there's a different problem in the relationship and move out as soon as you can. You've fallen on your sword enough for a woman that really hasn't been that supportive of you for at least the past 6 years, so it's time to get back up and find someone who's as crazy about you as you are them.

Congrats on finishing grad school, that shit is really hard to say the least, so lean into your successes, lean on your friends where you can, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sobriety is a very hard journey, and it's okay to stumble from time to time, but don't be so hard on yourself that you actually end up reinforcing the need to drink.

Good luck, and in a few years, this will not be the end, but the beginning of a new era, a more honest and clear one that will see you soar.

[u/lewdKCdude]

The quicker and fuller the break, the better it will be for you in the long run. Extending it to see what the new "us" is will worsen the torture. If you want to stay friends, sure, but don't get trapped in relationship limbo. She's gay. Do therapy if you can, this shit is traumatizing.

Source: been through something very similar. We're LC now. DM me if you'd like.

[u/TroubledDoggo]

A level of betrayal that I could never even fathom. The hurricane of emotions must be overwhelming as you keep it under wraps. I think I would become an emotionless drone if I had to handle all of that. Best of luck mate

[u/Absolute_Eb]

I know a divorced couple who years ago had 2 children together before he came out as gay. every once in a while they do things together as a family with their kids who are now in college.

Neither of them remarried or found a new partner, interestingly. based on both appearances and conversations we’ve had they seem like they’re leading good/fulfilling lives.

Anyways, just letting you know this rough situation can have a decent outcome. Hang in there.

[u/Harold_Flower226]

I'm sorry to hear that.

[u/littlesammy78]

Lots of love and healing vibes your way, bro. It’s super hard to be happy for someone when you are hurting so bad. It sounds like you two really care for each other and I hope that care and love helps you both as you work towards finding peace and happiness.

[u/doctorbeepboop]

Hey man, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a very similar experience, and would be happy to talk if you feel like it at any point. So impressed you’re doing this sober. I really wish I had had that foresight when I was in your shoes. 

Also, sorry there are so many people here saying shitty things about the person you love. It’s a complicated situation and one that a lot of men can’t seem to control their emotions around, even if it has nothing to do with them. Rooting for you, dude. 

[u/kymberlie]

I was with my now husband for two years (been together now ten) when I figured out I was queer/pan. He was literally the first person I talked to about it.

I’m still attracted to him, so it doesn’t sound like we’re exactly the same, but I genuinely didn’t recognize I was queer until I was in my mid-forties (never thought I was “gay” enough.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this and it’s not how you envisioned your life going. Please, please, PLEASE consider therapy. You need a professional to talk to to help you with all you’re going through.

Best of luck to you both as you navigate the future. 🫂💖

[u/Jivomir22]

Bro said no advice, expecting people not to tell him what he already knows needs to be done

[u/KriegConscript]

nobody in this gas leak subreddit seems to be empathizing at all with having an emotional attachment to a person that is no longer compatible with them. OP you need to get a therapist because you're gonna go through what are basically widower pains. stay sober but if you slip up, start again, it is possible to get back on the wagon

good luck OP, the rest of you can get fucked

[u/speckledcat → u/KriegConscript]

Beautifully put.

[u/TheMerryMosquito]

You need some space, dog. She feels like she’s being freed and flourishing while asking you to keep that shit locked up. Thats not fair. Can you crash on someone’s couch for a while? You can still love her and want the best for her while wanting to do the best for yourself. TWO THINGS CAN HE TRUE AT THE SAME TIME

Sounds like she’s been playing you for a while. I’m supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but that doesn’t absolve someone of their responsibility of treating someone with respect and care. I’m not saying she was outright an asshole, but I’m going to sit over here and be mad for you. 13 years is a long fucking time to plan a whole god damn future together and end up with nothing. You’re a better man than me I’d be fucking pissed

[u/MyMomCallsMeThunder → u/TheMerryMosquito]

If you won’t say it, I will. She’s an asshole for 13(!) years of wasting his time where he could have been finding and making memories with a partner who is into him romantically. It’s 2026, I would understand more if this was years and years ago but come on. FWIW, she could break up with him without coming out if she wasn’t ready to yet but stringing him along for over a decade at that age is despicable

[u/LigmaBalls-420]

At least you don’t have kids.

Find someone to have a family with. You’re still young enough. This is probably low key a good thing (even if it doesn’t currently feel like it).

[u/devomke]

Ohhh man - so my older brother went through the same thing and chose to stay.

I love him to death but can’t say it’s a life I understand or would be comfortable with/ever saw him in.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk/get more details on how he’s ended up. They couldn’t afford nor separate because of young children…so half-similar but I promise you you don’t have to stay in something where you aren’t the person you think you are to them.

[u/PunishedCatto]

I can't imagine how you feel like right now. I'm sorry for this, man.

You are tougher than I am.

[u/doccogito]

You can be best friends, but you can’t be married in this situation. You’re not the only guy to go through this, and both of you will be able to be happier if you’re not together and not bound by the strictures of a (avoidable, way more complicated) marriage that can’t be real anymore. If you’re overextended financially, it’s probably best to figure out how/where you can live, and separate asap. You can mourn what you’ve had, and what you might have had, but get out in time to give yourself a future.

[u/Medkins]

I've been in your situation before man, and I can understand how painful and lonely it feels to be in your shoes, but I promise that life will get better as long as you keep going and looking forward. I was with my ex for 6 years before she came out to me, and we ended up staying together for almost 2 more years after that. Originally she said she was bi, then a month later told me she thinks she might be a lesbian and was trying to figure it out. In the meantime our intimacy had dropped to basically nothing, and she basically had me on stand-by while she found herself and found the person she would end up leaving me for. I told myself back then that i wanted to be supportive. However, I wish I would've ended things when i had the chance, because the pain and loneliness of watching her figure out how to build her life without me was the worst I've ever felt. Fast forward to 5 years later and having gone through lots of therapy, I am now with a partner that adores me and I adore her. We have a beautiful family together, and I'm honestly the happiest I've ever felt in my life. All this to say, life has a funny way of leading you to better opportunities, and it will all workout for the best.

P.S. That fried rice looks hella good

[u/cakivalue]

Ohh my heart breaks for you but I'm so proud of you for prioritizing your sobriety. Your fiancee/friend sounds like an amazing woman and good friend. I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult and heartbreaking situation where the future you envisioned for yourself and who would be part of that future is going to look very very different going forward.

[u/silkwuan]

Nah OP, this one fucked me up 💔. Stay strong brother 🫂

[u/goongoblin113xc]

She’s 37 acting like this lmao tell her she’s a big girl now actions have consequences she wants to explore with women let her u have to pull the plug and be able to mourn a 13 year relationship tell ur family what’s happening and get the damn ring back

[u/Long-Chemistry-5525]

You shouldn’t be pressured to kiss someone and preform the act of love to her for the appearance to her family. You should find an apartment and leave. I know that may not be possible. At a minimum you need to stop putting yourself through pretending to still be in a relationship with someone who told you they are not attracted to you and plans to leave you

[u/panna__cotta]

This is an insanely selfish way for her to go about this. You deserve better.

[u/vinnymendoza09 → u/panna__cotta]

Also wtf at the part where they have gay and bi friends who are openly attracted to his wife? Seems kinda messed up and disrespectful, it's one thing to acknowledge that someone is attractive but he's making it sound like they wanna fuck her. This isn't a situation where they're sexual people in a very openly sexual group of friends... His bedroom has been dead for years and she's been in denial about being gay for decades.

[u/Jo3ltron]

I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. All I can say is I’m sorry you’re going through this, and know that this internet stranger is giving you a huge bro hug.

You mention you are a social person and have some support in that sense but seems like maybe you can’t lean on that support until your ex-partner fully comes out. I would advocate for yourself with your ex-partner and acknowledge they need to figure things out, but you need your support group. Tell she has a week to figure her shit out, and at that point, no more fucking act. She’s tearing your world asunder and you deserve to navigate this in any way you need to in order to process and get through this.

At the end of the day you are not her person, and the sooner you can process, grieve and move on, the better. It honestly sounds like she’s being pretty selfish in the whole ‘I need all this shit like book clubs and safe spaces so I can be the butterfly I’m meant to be!’, while you’re over here trying to pick up pieces of yourself.

This hurts, and will for a long time, but don’t let this define you. And also, might be an unpopular opinion, but depending on how long you’ve been engaged, and how much you’ve spent, get the ring back. Odds are she knew this long before you proposed.

[u/molesasses]

You honestly don’t owe her shit. It’s your life. Don’t be mean to her. But you’re allowed to leave and tell people why you left.

[u/Robbie_Rotten666 → u/molesasses]

This. It'll probably get downvoted to shit, but it's the realest shit here.

Someone who is driving you to drink nightly isn't as good as you think they are. Stories like this always baffle me. If my wife was suddenly like, "Actually, I've only ever pretended to enjoy having sex with you, and I've been lying to you for over a decade." the last thing I would be is supportive.

[u/Pheochormocyto]

A lot of people giving unwanted advice. I got non, but how did the food taste?

[u/SixFootFox → u/Pheochormocyto]

I'm a sucker for fried rice. It was one of the best parts of my day today.

[u/Pheochormocyto → u/SixFootFox]

Can’t say I’ve ever had pineapple fried rice, but it’s piqued my interest! Glad it was one of the better parts of your day. I like my sweet and salty combos. Sue me, I love pineapple on pizza so I imagine I'd like this combo!

[u/popejubal]

Shit, I’m so sorry. It isn’t her fault. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault. 

But it still sucks and it still hurts. I hope you can each get what you need, whether that’s together or apart. 

[u/_blackthorn16_ → u/popejubal]

Get your ring back and stop the pretending. It’s gonna make it so much harder. She’s not thinking about your mental health at all. Get into therapy and get away from her asap.

[u/Pale-Anything1347]

Sorry this has happened to you, honestly you will not be happy staying though. Whatever material assets you’ve built up together can be replaced. Your peace of mind can’t

[u/WouldPancake]

I’m so so sorry. You’re stronger than you know, OP. You’ll survive this, and impossibly, you’ll be a wiser, stronger man on the other side.

[u/thelezbot]

Tell people you broke up. You don’t have to say why. Or give a piece of truth that is enough for people - things weren’t working, I’m depressed, she has fallen out of love with me.

[u/GomuGomuNoGod]

Well friend, it's time to find out who YOU are.

[u/damaged_but_doable]

I know you said you don't want advice, but there are support groups out there.

Specifically there are ones for gay/bisexual men are (or were) married or in long term relationships with straight women. GAMMA and Husbands Out To Wives. I know that is the exact opposite of your situation but maybe they have some resources or contacts for people who are experiencing your situation.

Big hugs cuz you are in a shit spot. Don't forget to give yourself a great big heaping helping of grace because you absolutely deserve it.

[u/rocketmn69_]

Tell her no dating mutual friends. Unfortunately OP, you should start looking for another place to live and separate your finances. Your mental health won't survive living together and her bringing dates home

[u/Deleena24]

I don't think it's on you to keep this secret. You're making all the sacrifices while she's getting all the benefits and is going to leave you for someone else.

Don't put that on yourself. She's an adult and can handle the fallout of the decisions she makes. It sucks her family is like that, but its not your problem- it's hers to deal with.

Look out for yourself

[u/jspindell2]

You def don’t owe it to her to let her find a place she can “fit in,” I know it’s hard but you need to leave or at the very least kick her brother out because they’re walking all over you at this point

[u/SunglazHippo]

There’s only two things that could have happened here,
Either she led you on purposefully or she didn’t.

Regardless of that, 13 years have been wasted on a relationship that is going nowhere. At this point, it’s not about what she did, it’s about what you can do. I’m sure you have no malice in your heart for her, but she gave you no warning, no conversations that lead up to this swift change. If she could figure it out without you then, then she doesn’t need you to help her now. Start looking for places to move. I know it will set you back what seems like a decade, but you will recover. You sound like a genuinely kind, and emotionally mature man. I think you will be perfectly fine.

Also, congratulations on your sobriety. I hope you keep it up for yourself. You deserve a healthy and fulfilling life, mate!

[u/mpassisdead]

Doing this sober is the best way to do it. You can do it. You got this.

[u/aghabio]

Hey this is hard for both of you. But please seek therapy, get the tools needed to see this objectively. A friend she let you talk about this in some other state isn't going to be enough, not to mention your friend is already biased as hell.

She made a choice that is good for her life, doesn't mean it has to come at the price of yours. Please set boundaries, and lessen the time you personally are keeping a secret and a burden that is not yours.

[u/BomTradyGOAT]

OP, do not keep it a secret, do what’s best for you, she sure as hell is doing what’s best for her. Get your help, talk to your loved ones, heal, and battle back, we need you.

[u/sheepwshotguns]

man, i just want to beam love and support to you, thats some rough stuff. it may take a while but i really hope you come out better for this, and find someone that can return the love you have in abundance. you deserve to be both in love AND loved back, and breaking now, there's still time. i dont want to overstep my bounds, but who knows, if you guys remain close friends, maybe in an appropriate amount of time she could make the greatest possible wing man for you.

[u/Active_General8858]

My heart breaks for you. 

[u/YumeMusouka]

this is why talks about sexuality and gender identity matters. people get confused by how they believe they should live rather than just living.

it’s great that you’re willing to help her, but you need time to think and process this for yourself.

i know you tagged “no advice” but i really recommend getting a therapist.

you might have to go to multiple therapists until you find the right one for you. it sounds like you have a lot going on beyond this. a therapist can help you navigate your feelings and figure out how to release it.

also, can you crash at someone’s place? you don’t have to tell anyone she’s gay, but it’s not fair for you to pretend like the relationship isn’t falling apart.

staying at that place leaves your state of mind in limbo. it’s gonna keep reminding you of this. a change of scenery can help get your brain outside of this.

while she figures out what she’s gonna do, you should figure out what you’re gonna do. start separating finances and personal items. look for roommates or consider going back home temporarily.

staying with her is not healthy. wanting to stay together is understandable but it’s not fair to you or her. there will always be something lacking.

it’s recent and you are allowed to grieve the lost of the relationship. 13 years makes the relationship a huge part of you. it is sad and frustrating. but understand, you are still your own person. there’s is still more to you and life outside of this.

stay strong

[u/TacProV713]

I hear you man and just want to send you the best wishes. It's also a testimenent to your strength to quit drinking amidst all this pain.

The bottle only makes these things harder for yourself. At least from my experiences...Stay strong.

[u/Confident-Mastodon18]

Whether you say anything or not she’s going to lose a ton of friends for the way she is going about this. Hopefully, you can change your living situation sooner than later.

[u/Public-Cat2385]

I want to hug you and take you out for pizza dude. I'm so sorry.

[u/Ok-Owl8646]

This is absolutely horrible. She is being a shit friend with the expectations she has placed on you. I know you said you don't want to leave but what is the solution you see long term. An open marriage, watching from the sidelines while she gets to live her life while you protect the lie. Get a therapist, get your ring back, move on, tell your family to respect your boundaries and cool it with the shit storm of comments you think is coming. You deserve better. Maybe in the future you can be friends but don't hang on to something that isn't there. Good luck.

[u/ktbug1987]

I’m sorry everyone is being a dick to your partner when you specifically asked them not to be. In some ways, I was once on the other side of this equation. I married a best friend, young, because of comphet. I was incredibly evangelical and believed the things I did feel were sinful and mitigable. There’s a few differences — my ex-husband knew I was attracted to women periodically. But I also believed myself attracted to him in a way. I just kind of thought that attraction and sex wasn’t supposed to feel as good when it wasn’t a sinful desire. Even after I slowly became more liberal and less religious, I held these beliefs at my core (in fact, years later I had to get extensive therapy to properly experience sex with women without having full panic attacks, but that’s another story).

He got very ill with bipolar disorder and it was when I was supporting him in and out of the hospital that I was able to finally have the time to myself to align my identity with my politics. I didn’t want to upset his carefully balanced world and leave him, because he was yo-yoing so bad with bipolar disorder. I told him I was gay, but I stayed for almost a year trying to get him on his feet. Eventually that became untenable, because he kept going off his medication, and hurting me (physically, during manic episodes, he’d go kind of…. Hard to explain. Not himself). I had to take care of me. And ultimately it was taking care of him. I don’t think staying for so long had the effect of supporting him that I wanted to. For a time, he wouldn’t speak to me, but we are friends again now and I will always believe we care for each other. When we do talk, which is not often, we still say I love you, and I believe it is true, albeit not romantically, for us both. He’s married now, and I’m happy for him. Though he still has had mental health struggles — his wife has called for help once — he remains better than he was.

I say all this to say I deeply feel for both sides of this equation, and your choice to stay makes complete sense to me. I know you said no advice and so I’m going to just tell you what was important for me. I hope you’ll think about what is important for you,, even if it’s not the same thing. (1) I needed a small support network of people who knew the full truth of what was going on at home. That included a therapist. (2) I needed to figure out what my boundaries of reasonable length of support time and him “trying” before I could move on, so I didn’t wind up stuck forever. I hope you’ll work with someone (friends, therapist, a journal) to learn where you might draw the line, in case you ever get there.

Sending love from my core.

I mourn the bitter sweetness of that relationship still. He really was my best friend, we matured together, and I remain sad that there was such pain in the end, almost 13 years later. I love my wife and I’m so thankful I finally am able to be who I am. But that relationship remains one of the most important phases of my life. I hope for your sake and your partner’s, you are at least able to look back on good times one day soon.

[u/circlenative]

I would be mad. She's been betraying you for years. She probably was a great supportive person in other ways, but she's been lying to you this whole time. I would leave and keep distance for a while before talking to her

[u/randombarbs → u/circlenative]

and she was probably lying to herself too. there are no winners. 

[u/SemiAutoAvocado]

I don't think I could trust someone else ever again. This is cruel.

[u/Buzzy0914 → u/SemiAutoAvocado]

I guarantee it was not on purpose. I understand it hurts, but she did not mean to end this way

[u/Humble-Ad2886 → u/Buzzy0914]

It probably lasted so long because of how much she loved him as a person and feelings can be confusing. It’s entirely possible to not know you’re truly attracted to the same gender because in many cases, fear causes people do not get that message until maybe it presents itself in a much bigger way

[u/Prestigious_Moose939]

What she did was incredibly selfish. I think you're better off, my guy. I know someone who went through this, and he's married with kids now. It took him a little to trust his wife wasn't gay at all, but he does now.

[u/Grouchy_Swordfish364]

Why would your favorite person in the world ask you to carry this weight?

I want you to think about this.

All the compassion for her, sure, but seemingly none for you?

This situation, I'm sorry, but honestly reeks of selfishness. She came out, ok, but you have to hide your feelings of loss while she figures out what this means for her... But totally unconscious of what this means for you...

Make it make sense.

[u/orion-cernunnos]

There are so many ways to lose someone in this world. Cancer, accidents, unknowns. You had your best friend for yourself for sounds like a good ten years. she's moving to a new phase, that doesn't include you but time and life are strange and you have the possibility to meet again under better times. You two have built warm memories that even when she's gone will keep you warm. It's no consolation to what's happened and the pain will get worse before it gets better but you'll get through it. One day at a time, you'll watch the sun rise and the sun set and one day you won't have to remind yourself it'll get better. Because it will be better. And it'll be better with you there.

[u/doctorbeepboop → u/orion-cernunnos]

Thank you for making one of the only helpful comments here. 

[u/siaugao]

She wants to explore and find out who she is, yet won't allow you the same? I'm finding it hard to sympathize with her.

[u/sadboymoneyjesus]

She's an adult, she can manage the consequences of coming out as gay just fine, its not a big deal. Her reluctance to grow up and negotiate with the fact that she is gay and move forward has cost you 13 years of your life and frankly I would be pissed.

[u/DatVlad_]

Bruh as a member of the lgbtq+ community myself, her behavior is shit. Like I understand yalls lifestyle won't be maintainable. But neither is this arrangement. It sucks but rip that bandaid off and get her out of your life, the sooner you get to move on the better for you.

[u/guacamaya2022]

If and when she meets someone the whole dynamic of your relationship will change. She has a lot of caching up to do. You will not be part of that picture.

Everyone is insulting this lady when maybe you are the one clinging to something that's simply not sustainable.

Do you "care" about this person or do you "need" this person?

If you really love this person letting her go will be the right thing to do. You are just delaying the inevitable.

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[u/WH4L3_88]

I know you don’t want advice but it sounds like you’re shelving your feelings for her’s, and honestly, that sucks. It’s admirable but I would suggest considering YOUR feelings with all of this.

Sorry you gotta pretend; I hope your wife is aware of the extreme sacrifice you’re making. Because, honestly, the end of all of this means she leaves, probably with someone new, and you’ll be left alone.

I’m sure all of this has crossed your mind but this isn’t a one sided situation; both of your lives are turning upside down. For her, it’s only going to improve. What can you say about your life?

[u/CreedRules]

This sucks op. I hope you two can have an amicable and peaceful separation and divorce, as this isn't something you can come back from. Good luck, and try to stay off the booze for a while.

[u/No-Association8901]

She figured her self out, now you need to do you. Separation and counseling. Financially, you need to part ways. This isn’t going to be easy, but you need and deserve to have your own relationship that has intimacy. Good luck

[u/Hugh_G_Normous]

You're a good person. You deserve a good cry.

[u/CheleLD]

I’m so sorry.
It’s great that you’re being supportive of her, but don’t let it be at the detriment of your own mental health.
You need to look after yourself first.
You have friends that are LGBTQ+ so if it gets too much they can go to events and book clubs with her.
I wish you only the best.

[u/BlightspreaderGames]

Having been through a situation very similar to this, I'm very cynical regarding relationships dissolving because one or both parties come out as LGBTQ+.

That being said, take my opinion with a grain of salt, but this is a no-win scenario. The saddest thing about this is that this has been festering for months, maybe years, and negatively impacting you with no explanation as to why, and likely tearing her apart as she sorted through her thoughts and feelings.

If she is dead-set on deciding that her feelings mean she is gay, your relationship as it was is over, and you have nothing to gain by staying silent, acting like everything is still peachy, and not actively working to cut yourself away from her and prepare for the fallout. Try to keep your spirits as high as you can through the healing and try your best to not turn bitter or hateful. Anger and sadness are justified. I feel for what you're going through.

[u/pcklkssr]

Hey bud. I hear you. I salute your decision and courage to face things sober. You sound like a solid dude, a great person to know. I can empathize with having to maintain appearances on all fronts and the toll that in and of itself takes, especially before being able to factor in or even consider your own personal thoughts and emotions. It's exhausting. I'm going to refrain from offering advice, as per the post heading. The only suggestion that I do offer, is sometime when you have time to yourself and are sufficiently alone and able to be vulnerable with no witness(es), watch Chasing Amy. I don't know that it has anything to offer you, other than a plot you can sorta relate to, but sometimes just having something you can identify with makes things easier for a moment. But I digress...

TL;DR- I see you. I hear you. I acknowledge the severity and intensity of your situation. You matter. And you will make it to the other side of this obstacle.

[u/shatteredseals]

Do not be a bystander as your world ends. You sound fair, but you need to act and deal with this however YOU need to deal with it. You don't owe her anything, she owed you the truth.

[u/Primary-Key-774]

DM me if you need to vent or talk. I've been sober 8.5 years and just went thru a divorce this year.

This doesn't sound like a partnership anymore. She wants freedom to figure out what this means for her, which is perfectly reasonable. That doesn't have to come at your expense. Your journey thru this is equally valid, and if that's not respected you need to distance yourself immediately.

[u/Forward-Big8697]

You gotta look out for yourself, why are you doing so much to protect them. Until this is settled a bit more I think its going to be really hard for you to start to heal and move forward or better yourself in other ways. I can see this process being very consuming so dont let it go on for too long

[u/rudderlessbarge]

Oh honey I am so sorry. You seem like a good person, your post is so empathetic despite everything that is happening to you. It would be so easy to be bitter and angry, but you're instead showing compassion.

I won't give advice on how to proceed, except that you really should talk to a therapist. This is a huge loss, and you are going to have to grieve the future you two were supposed to have. You need support. A therapist can help you figure out what boundaries you need to set to protect your well-being as you go through whatever comes next.

You will make it through this.

[u/Accomplished_Eye2451]

You got this brother!

[u/Safe-Pea3009]

I was there a few years ago with my husband.

Once the shock wears off you will go between sadness and anger. You don't want to be living with her during the anger. It won't be good for either of you.

Things will change. It's incredibly selfish of her to not expect it to change. It's damaging to you to have to pretend and that is not okay.

It's okay for her to be gay. It is not okay for her to allow that to continue harming you.

Don't pretend to be a couple anymore. You dont have to give her away (but realistically she can't expect you to not seek support from family and close friends that can actually give you good close comfort) but no more I love yous and kisses. Those are confusing and give you false hope.

Work on separating. It will be less than what you have now but those are consequences of her coming out. She cannot expect you to carry her financially or emotionally anymore.

I did it. Divorced with three kids and it is hard. But as long as you stay and try and pretend you can live together and be okay you won't actually be okay.

And that is okay. Because you didn't ask for this and you were honest. At some point she stopped being honest and kicked this down the road to this point and that wasn't loving to you. It's okay to not be okay with this. And its okay to start your new life on your terms now and not when she is ready.

If I hadn't moved on and divorced. I wouldn't have found a man who is absolutely crazy about me. And he has made the awful night mare I lived worth it.

[u/alifelesscyberly1]

I’m so sorry. I hear you.

[u/Artistic_Reference_5]

Hey I'm just so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you find the support you need.

[u/xchubanx]

Hey brotha, went through something similar. You got this. Check out r/straightspouses - super good resources for people in your situation.

[u/osiris0413]

I'm sorry you're going through this, man. I was struck by how much I relate to aspects of your experience - the relationship being comfortable but growing colder, the avoidance reinforced with substances - nothing over the top, and I never was at any point either, but just making things a little numb around the edges. Part of loving someone is being willing to go without for their sake. I think that you're a good man and you would have continued to go without as long as you were seeing her happy, but I don't think either of you have seen the other truly happy in some time.

Happiness isn't just the absence of tension, but the presence of joy. In my experience, looking back at when I was in a similar relationship, I discounted what I was lacking exactly why you did, because everything else was so good. I had nothing to complain about. I didn't understand the degree to which I was discounting the possibility of there being more in my life to actively feel joy about, or gaslighting myself with the idea of what I "should" need to be happy. The things my partner didn't, or couldn't, give me, I was both consciously and subconsciously telling myself weren't important, or sustainable, or realistic. I can say in recent years I've been pleasantly proven wrong on those counts.

Right now it's hard to imagine not ever having the kind of life and love you wanted with her, or imagine her having that with someone else. I don't think wanting those things is wrong, it's just there are unmistakable signs at this point that she was simply not the one to have them with. I'm not going to say the path from here is easy, but it is possible, and I hope one day soon you have the sense that you are setting out on a new adventure of your own.

[u/Alclis]

Friend, I just want to wish you both the best of all possible futures. You’ve had it really rough, and from the sounds of it so has your fiance. I don’t know what direction your relationship will take, but you’ve been there for each other through so much, and that kind of love (whatever form it takes) is real in this world. I’m glad you had each other when you needed each other the most and I wish you a continued version of that in whatever form it can happen. That’s the most any of us can hope for and can’t genuinely judge others for having theirs. And the best of continued health and connection and success in life.

[u/Head-Watercress9217]

I’m really sorry. You are a good person and how you treat your partner definitely shows it. It’s definitely a hard time for both of you and I can’t tell anything other than I wish you lots of good luck going through this

[u/Necessary-Neat-3164]

You're incredible. Really! You're going through something that not everyone can or will understand and judging by the edits you've made, you're doing it with surprising grace. It has to be hard for everyone involved, especially when you both have built so much of a life together so it's good to see you're both communicating and have support via friends.

It will take time, but hope you find love and intimacy where you need, and I hope your friendship with your fiance contimues to go well for the foreseeable future.

[u/08mms]

Stony suggest checking out Our Path, LGBTQ+ affirmative support group for folks in a similiar situation (https://ourpath.org), it’s a really complicated trauma your dealing with, but I promise you aren’t alone. My ex and I split reasonably amicably a couple years back after she came out after 14 years together, 10 married and have been through all of what your saying above including the post-COVID nightcap to cope with confusion and rejection and it was awful, but you will not at all regret using this massive traumatic split as a tool for self-reflection and self-improvement so you can pull some real value out of the wreckage (I used an app with my brother to track and cut back on the drinking along with diet changes, starting a real workout, etc. which helped a lot in processing and put in real time journaling and in therapy too. Feel free to DM as well, always happy to chat.

[u/Ok-Can-5171]

A few years ago now… I and my 12 year partner separated. Even with all of the issues we had, that I had with her, it still felt like my heart and soul were split in two. We agreed to keep up appearances until I was able to move out. It was almost three months from breaking up to moving out. It was almost another whole year of grief for the loss of who we were, and who I was. There are still ghosts that come up every now and again. I hope for you the best, wish you luck and healing. You will come out the other side of this stronger 💜

[u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Whatever happens, remember that you're stronger than this moment in time. This sounds incredibly hard to go through but you will get to the other side.

That doesn't mean that it won't be the most painful experience you have felt possibly. You may have days where you can't get it off bed or may even struggle to look at her. Not that it is her fault, but your feelings will be your feelings. Grief is the expression of love through loss, and the future you dreamed of is not what will be.

Therapy, journaling, chatting with friends, paint, any thing constructive; find something to actually process feelings.. Didn't get me wrong, get swole or into barbecue or 1000 other things men common do to fight through emotions. Just make sure you are actually proccessing things so they don't turn to resentment as you have seen in the past.

You've got it, even if it may not feel it. If we are stronger than any one moment, then we can be strong through any moment.

[u/RubbSF]

Damn bro, I really feel for you. Its so clear yall love each other so much. And youre doing everything you can to be a good partner and an even better ex. Its so fucking hard and youre doing so well!

Would a sobriety group help? Maybe a local AA meeting in your area? They are online but also meet every where every day basically. Plus its anonymous and you can share whatever you want there, which could be a great outlet to not drinking? Hope things go as smoothly as possible and that one day you can feel grateful for being given the opportunity to find someone who can love you in a new and wholly better way.