Fiancé has a manic episode and three years of relationship ends

[u/New-Restaurant-4538]

Long rant, thought I’d join the trend of broken relationships. Me (25m) and my fiancé (26f) have been together for just over 3 years now, living together for most of that time and now it’s ending.

Really though she would be the one, we had fights over the last few years but were always able to come together and talk it through but a few months ago things drastically changed.

About 5 months ago she broke off a relationship with a college friend who was a pretty big part of her life but she was growing resentful of. After this my fiancé started to seem off, became more spaced out, angrier and quicker to snap at things, and sometimes couldn’t keep a train of thought. We talked and she said I was reading into things and not to worry.

A few weeks after that her mental state was becoming more stressed and paranoid due to being bullied at work, long hours, and lack of sleep. She got some time off work and ended up going into credit card debt over travel expenses (about $2.5 thousand).

A month after this she got sent home from work early due to her supervisor being concerned about her behavior and seemingly drunk (I know she wasn’t actually intoxicated) and then was told to not come in for a few days.

The next day I was taking a nap and was woken up by my fiancé who said “I think I made the land lords upset”. Long story short she went around the neighborhood trying to open random car doors and then did it our landlord whose car was unlocked. She went in the car took a garage clicker and a cross then opened the garage with the clicker which is when landlords ran out and confronted her. It took hours of begging on my part to not get kicked out or have criminal charges pressed (we are on a month to month lease). She still doesn’t think what she did was wrong and said she did it because she thought Taylor Swift was hiding in one of the cars.

I’m a bit hazy on the next order of events but over the next few days she goes back to work (as a USPS mail carrier), takes mail home with her, confesses to stealing the mail, starts to get investigated for the felony charge, is forced to quit or get a felony and possible jail time. Shows no remorse and just talks about how they take the mail too seriously.

Over time she becomes more manic and paranoid. Thinks everything is a dream or people playing pranks on her. Refuses to see a therapist (which is free thru my work) due to thinking they are all in on the prank. She has no job and is in debt. I’m paying for everything including her car payments and bailing her out of debt which are not cheap and dipping into my savings just to get by while she wants my card to shop at expensive grocery stores.

Two weeks ago I caught her flirting with her old boss via text and saying she “wants to be more than friends” and she blamed it on me for not being with her enough. And by trust and hope felt shattered. I try to talk to her and see if we can work things out but then…

Last week she left for vacation to see her friend in another state and a few days before she was to come home tells me she’s prolonging her trip by a few weeks with no real end date.

Talked to her very little since she left and most times I do it ends quickly or ended up in a fight. Yesterday we had a good talk which resulted in our relationship ending but still living together for now since it’s convenient. I still love and care for her and hope we can stay friends but I finally accepted that we are not the people who will make each other happy.

It’s a dream of mine to explore as much as I can, starting with all the National Parks (37/63 seen so far). I plan to save up for a 5-7 months and then take some time off and move to Alaska for work and get to backpack the national parks there. Thank yall if you made it this far, feels good to have it written down and get to share my story a bit!!

Food: Seamed dumplings, wonton soup and Szechuan beef!!

Edit: Thank you everyone for the support and reality check. Seeing the reactions I definitely grew numb to a lot of the shit going on and just kept hoping to see things get better. For the ones who showed concern, her family has been filled in fully the last week or two and are planning on getting her evaluated by a psychiatrist and hopefully hospitalized when she comes back from her trip since she’s not willing to go on her own. Will definitely be living separately as well now lol. Thank you again for everyone who reached out to me, it’s been very isolating and this was a huge relief ❤️

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[u/dinasour1004]

Honestly, it sounds like she might need to be involuntarily held in a psychiatric ward so she can be medicated. If someone has psychosis, they need medication; therapy alone does not work for psychosis because it’s not a behavioral issue, it’s a brain chemistry issue

[u/zenhoe → u/dinasour1004]

Thank you. This person needs to be hospitalized and medicated, this is dangerous.

[u/Serious_Income_7020 → u/dinasour1004]

As someone with experience in this arena, she’s absolutely heading to a hospital for commitment after a court concludes she’s incapable of facing trial on felony charges. She needs to be medicated and stabilized asap.

[u/snootchiebootchie94 → u/dinasour1004]

She sounds like she is bipolar and needs meds. Get her the help she needs and get her away from OP before she does something to endanger them both.

[u/UltraHellboy → u/snootchiebootchie94]

She may be more than bipolar

[u/Ok_Net7773 → u/UltraHellboy]

Nahh, but I’ll give you a pass on inexperience. Only someone unfamiliar with bipolar would say that.

[u/UltraHellboy → u/Ok_Net7773]

OK. I know people, but I didn’t grow up with one and I’m not married to one.

[u/Kuzco-s_Poison → u/dinasour1004]

Yes, this. Thanks for being the one sane comment here..

[u/Unable-Analysis-3855 → u/[deleted]]

This ain’t an ex boyfriend this was her fiancé. You intend to marry someone that means a lot more than just “girlfriend.” He doesn’t have to stay but what kind of man/fiancé wouldn’t want to make sure his fiancé (or ex-fiancé) is safe? She is manic in a different state with a friend who may not even know her mental state. This kinda shit isn’t a game, she is vulnerable and needs help. He doesn’t have to stay with her or be with her but this situation is now also deeper than that.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/[deleted]]

It’s quite common for bipolar folks to blow up their life like this during a manic episode.

If OP tells police half of what he said here, they will take her for a psychiatric evaluation.

This is a medical emergency.

[u/dinasour1004 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t really see why the person who makes the call would make a difference other than likely interpersonal conflict, which can be figured out. It’s life-saving care either way; same with contacting authorities when someone is actively suicidal

[u/TheOneTrueSnoo]

Dude you need to get her sectioned. Even if you aren’t together you should have done it when the Taylor swift incident happened.

People who are manic can slip into psychosis real quick. Do it for your own safety if nothing else

[u/xRocketman52x → u/TheOneTrueSnoo]

Yea agreed, this woman is a danger to herself and others. Her experience of reality is dangerously altered.

Some years ago, a friend broke up with a woman and she threatened to end herself. He was frustrated because none of her friends or family were willing to intervene, when she was a verified and proven threat to herself. I told him that he was rightfully concerned, and he needed to make the call - if all of her friends and family were failing her (as they were!) then he had the opportunity to do the right thing. He basically said he couldn't, they wouldn't take him seriously because he'd be seen as a vengeful ex. Honestly I disagreed with him hard - she'd already made more than one attempt, the facts were on the table, someone needed to make the call.

Same here. Someone needs to make the call before it's too late.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

As someone that has bipolar 1,

Contact her psychiatrist immediately.

She likely needs antipsychotics immediately.

If she doesn’t have a psychiatrist call the police and have her held for an involuntary psychiatric evaluation.

This is a medical emergency, not a funny story.

[u/dinasour1004 → u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

Exactly, all the people saying he just needs to leave her don’t seem to understand that this is an actual crisis, not just “damn she’s crazy, dodged a bullet”

[u/BrightLavenderMoons → u/dinasour1004]

If it was a man they wouldn't be reaching for the "oh it's just hysteria" but would understand that it's clearly a mental health episode

[u/liberty-prime77 → u/BrightLavenderMoons]

I don't know what world you live on where people care about men's mental health, but I know we don't live on the same planet

[u/Awkward-Fox-7215 → u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

He might be limited in what he can do based on state laws. Some require certain relationships in order to get a hold. He definitely needs to get in touch with her family.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

If he had tried to get her a psych hold / involuntary held and was denied and explained what they said, we could offer advice / next steps.

She is a present danger to herself and others. This is deadly serious.

[u/Awkward-Fox-7215 → u/[deleted]]

She accrued 2500 in debt
Stole mail
Got fired
Broke into cars
Fled to another state and broke up

OP needs to get out of this situation now, she is a ticking time bomb. I’m all about giving someone a chance and even seeing them through a mental health episode. She doesn’t sound like she wants any help at all and is breaking everything on her way down.

If you want to do something, see if her family can get some kind of mental health hold on her and have her briefly committed. They can at least start her on some meds and get her regulated.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

This is textbook bipolar 1.

She needed antipsychotics the moment he noticed the very first thing.

This is a medical emergency.

[u/weeBunnie → u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

Contact the proper people, her family or close friends

OP isn’t in a safe situation, they broke up so he can step away as being a support system. Family would need to step in for any hospitalization and medical treatment if she doesn’t go voluntarily if it is seen as a medical emergency

(Edit: Just saw OP’s update, and it seems like the best course of action, I hope you can travel to the other national parks OP!)

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/weeBunnie]

I would agree if he was just a boyfriend.

They were engaged.

There should be a duty of care when she is having a medical emergency.

If she was having a stroke, would you say he doesn’t need to call 911?

[u/weeBunnie → u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

If she is a possible harm to him, and because they are not married, the best to do is notify her family in this case for the safety of both of them.

Her family will have more authority for being able to get her medical help versus him in this case because they aren’t married

[u/RandomRavenclaw87 → u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

Shes about the age when it shows up for the first time, too.

OP, I was in a long relationship with someone who was mentally unwell. It’s a tragedy for them and hell for the other partner. Get your fiancé to her parents or someone who can care for her. I’m worried for her, and glad for you that you broke up before you were legally entangled.

[u/bear-flesh → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

And cheated. Don’t forget she cheated.

[u/TurnoverFuzzy8264 → u/[deleted]]

I believe he thinks it's helping when it's actually enabling. I hope he listens to the comments stating it's a bad idea, or his life is about to get very messy. 

[u/hmmmwhatsthatsmell → u/[deleted]]

agreeeeeee

[u/Targ17]

Dawg, you spent 3 years with this woman, decided to marry her, and then just sat around passively as she blew up her life. Like it’s hard to believe you even loved her in the first place based on this post.

[u/brat_tiny → u/Targ17]

This

[u/breadandcompany]

Sorry to be that guy but like what have you been doing this whole time? You are not a passive observer of this woman's mental state.

You are 3 years into a commitment you made to her and you still haven't called an ambulance? She's divorcing from reality and you let her travel to another state?

Look in the mirror man you're not dodging a bullet you are dodging your own responsibility.

[u/cashfile → u/breadandcompany]

This what im confused about. If this was my partner I would have been contacting her family and mental health services ages ago.

It seems like this dude would rather be on the sideline as the person he supposedly love is having a full on mental breakdown.

[u/breadandcompany → u/cashfile]

Yeah and even with the update on getting her to a psychiatrist after she gets back from her trip it's like no brother you need to be on the phone right now. Call the emergency line in whatever municipality she's in, tell them what's going on, then drive there yourself to check on your damn fiancé!

[u/JumpinJackHTML5 → u/breadandcompany]

In most of the U.S. the bar for getting someone involuntary committed is extremely high. You can call APS, but unless someone is an immediate danger to themselves or others a person can simply tell them to go away.

[u/PianoManSnow → u/JumpinJackHTML5]

This. My fiancée had to be put on an involuntary hold.
She was convinced she had to literally abandon everything and go be homeless, on top of paranoia that everybody was against her, she threatened to hurt herself.

I convinced her that she needed help and we made it to the county psych hospital, the second we got to the counter she starts screaming at the top of her lungs at everybody.

Eventually she went in on her own, but after about ten minutes her Doctor called me saying she wanted to leave.
I told him she was clearly a danger to herself and others, that she was giving up her whole life and needed help. It was literally the last thing I could do.. (I could fill a book with previous stories)

After telling him she threatened to kill herself they held her over night. They gave her some meds to calm down, she called me and profusely apologized and admitted she needed help.
She was referred to an outpatient clinic where she got medication and regular therapy.

Three years later we’re happier than ever and planning a wedding next year!

I was wary of involuntary holds before we needed it, but I can see how in some circumstances it’s completely necessary.
Those doctors literally saved her life.

[u/smokeweedNgarden → u/cashfile]

Yea dude this is...kind of horrific? Like brother your soon to be wife is looking for hallucinations in cars??  Get help, man!

I kinda can't fathom not seeking help. And then only caring when she flirted with her boss is pretty telling too...

[u/psahummus → u/breadandcompany]

A lot of people online will just say shit like “sup dude dodged a bullet bro, siiiick” as if we are in human zoo and not actually living in a society™️
Sickening. This is someone OP was gonna spend the lifetime with, and…the lack of urgency is killing US if not the finance, slowly.

[u/AmarilloArmadillos → u/psahummus]

Yeah, like he just called her family a week ago. Wtf. This man did not care about her.

[u/Targ17 → u/AmarilloArmadillos]

Not even that…he paid for her to go across state lines when according to him she has no money, no job, and suffering from full blown mania. I hope this poor woman makes it back to her family so she can get help…but the odds aren’t looking great.

[u/AmarilloArmadillos → u/Targ17]

This is basically my worst nightmare, you get sick and the person who is closest to you just ignores it even though you are incapable of recognizing it or helping yourself.

Hopefully she gets the help she needs.

[u/NoPhone8879 → u/breadandcompany]

happy cake day!

[u/talen7ed → u/breadandcompany]

Why the fuck would you call an ambulance lol

[u/breadandcompany → u/talen7ed]

Because the people in the ambulance are emergency responders trained to deal with these situations?

[u/touch_of_austism]

Buddy I’m going through this right now with my wife of 15 years. Get her hospitalized asap. Call 911 if you need to. It’s very dangerous what she’s doing to herself.

I just admitted my spouse last week. It’s painful. If you want out… you still have a chance

[u/Unable-Analysis-3855]

Sorry to hear about what your going through. My partner has bipolar disorder but she is medicated and stable, has been for years. Her behavior is not fully of her own making and she is very vulnerable right now. If she is manic, you definitely should get her help asap. Whatever your decision ultimately is, this isn’t behavior that should be ignored. It sounds like she really needs help, even if it’s getting checked in somewhere so they can medicate her.

[u/TheHunterZolomon]

First, make sure you tell her family members where she is or was last seen. This is a common pattern for homeless folks who go “missing” but really can’t be tracked down due to mental episodes, their families have no idea where they are, no point of contact for who they were last seen with.

Secondly, end the lease. It’s month to month. Ideally she gets taken in by a family member. But my god, it’s over and she is not mentally well.

Thirdly, you can love her and understand what’s best for her is a psychiatric facility, not cohabitation with a supposedly equal partner.

Best of luck man. I hope you realize you’ve done plenty as it is. Getting her professional help and making sure she’s in a safe place is the best possible thing to do here.

[u/EdgarAllenHoe4]

Mental health social worker here. This woman clearly needs a hospitalization and 911 should be called. She's definitely a danger to herself and others and really needs to be evaluated and medicated. OP I understand you're upset with this decision but you need to keep yourself safe. If you're serious about being friendly with her after the breakup, I would encourage you to keep a safe distance and have healthy boundaries. I know it may be hard to make certain choices including the breakup, but if you are going to remain her friend, you may need to call 911 at points if she continues to manic episodes and being a danger. Lastly, I wish you the best of the luck with your goal of getting to Alaska and I hope you make wonderful memories when you go.

[u/best_bad_hombre]

Not gonna give you relationship advice, but will say if you value your safety and hers you in no way should cohabitate with this person. They should be placed on an involuntary hold until they can receive treatment. Check if your city has a task force for addressing people experiencing mental health episodes before going to the police. I know you feel like you’ve been helping, but it’s actually enabling behavior and it’s detrimental her, yourself, and potentially others

[u/ACosmicCastaway → u/best_bad_hombre]

I second this. She could hurt you when you’re unaware, she could trash all your stuff for some perceived slight, she go to your work and break out all of the windows on your company’s work vans and start Facebook messaging made up embarrassing details to all your friends and family.

Ask me how I know.

[u/Dry-Pea1733 → u/best_bad_hombre]

I would also like to suggest the subreddit r/BipolarSOs as a place to talk to other people who have been on this side of a partner’s manic episode. It’s a rough place but it gives some perspective.

[u/toc_the_middle_aged → u/Dry-Pea1733]

Seconded. This sub has really helped me.

[u/MundaneInternetGuy → u/best_bad_hombre]

Yeah for fucking real. This is how you end up on an EWU video titled "Cops Find Crazed Woman Holding Ex-Boyfriend's Severed Head". 

Like, assuming this isn't a creative writing exercise, she's breaking into cars thinking she'll find Taylor Swift and sustaining that delusion over time. No judgment on her as a person because she's clearly unwell, but this degree of psychosis is dangerous. 

[u/whatyoudoingchorizo]

Honestly man, sounds about like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I dealt with schizophrenia a lot in my previous work, and have family with it as well. If she doesn’t wanna get looked at, then that’s up to her…but the relationship ending is the best thing that could have happened to you.

[u/Ready-Salad-2288 → u/whatyoudoingchorizo]

Having dealt with both (and BPD) regularly around me for much of my adult life too, you probably know as well as I do how hard it is to convince someone to seek treatment. From their POV there is nothing wrong or the impacts are minimized. It is mentally exhausting to be around and patience occasionally a struggle.

[u/Erroneously_Anointed → u/Ready-Salad-2288]

"I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help!" by Dr. Xavier Amador has been sooo useful when talking to patients in psychosis. No adult wants to believe they're not in control of themselves. His approach is very simple, but hard to master. Ultimately, patients who can maintain their dignity make better decisions when their care teams offer help.

[u/whatyoudoingchorizo → u/Ready-Salad-2288]

Well for one of my family members it took forever to convince them, but yes it is mentally exhausting. The other was was arrested as he had a freak out in public and was put on a mental hold by police and was evaluated there.
A lot of them don’t believe anything is wrong, and in fact believe we are in the wrong for not seeing or hearing what they are.

[u/barely_cursed → u/whatyoudoingchorizo]

Yeah and doesn't schizophrenia usually start around that age for women?

[u/whatyoudoingchorizo → u/barely_cursed]

It’s different for everyone, some can start young, some older. Can be drug induced, or induced by a myriad of things. I’ve seen it start as early as 18, and as late as 50’s

[u/skeletonysoprano]

I think she may be dealing with schizophrenia or a similar psychiatric issue. Can you contact her parents? She needs help.

[u/BillsKingsStrugleBus → u/skeletonysoprano]

Seconded. I'm not a psych but I've dealt with a lot of people with mental illness. A manic episode was my roommate spending $900 on special lightbulbs and rewiring all the lights switches.

Thinking Taylor swift is hiding in a car in your neighborhood is definitely something else. Schizophrenia, meth, idk.

[u/dinasour1004 → u/BillsKingsStrugleBus]

Manic episodes can involve psychosis, especially if the bipolar I person was never treated medicinally. A bipolar I person gradually increases their risk of manic episodes with psychosis if left unmedicated

[u/BillsKingsStrugleBus → u/dinasour1004]

TIL

[u/StraightFuego → u/BillsKingsStrugleBus]

This is what psychosis looks like. And yes, mania can present with psychotic symptoms.

[u/snootchiebootchie94 → u/StraightFuego]

Kind of the inverse of psychotic symptoms from the mania…but yeah, this woman needs help before something horrible happens to her.

[u/aj11scan]

Why the f isn't there more psychiatric education. Your ex needs to see a Dr. asap and NEEDS TO GET OUT OF HER MANIC EPISODE.... It's obviously not safe for her right now, she's destroying her life.

Contact her Dr or get her hospitalised. She'll probably regret everything after it passes

[u/TurnoverFuzzy8264]

You have me up until the living together. Untreated, she will get worse. She will get you kicked out with a ding on your record. Enabling her by keeping paying for her and fixing her mistakes is not really helping her. She needs to get to the point she understands she needs help and gets it. This isn't something you can fix. Thank goodness you're on a month-to-month lease. 

Love your idea of the parks tour, and your dinner looks awesome.

[u/lightbender1016]

Bro she's at best in a prolonged psychotic episode and at worst went full blown schizoaffective disorder. This is the age where most women start to experience symptoms.

My childhood best friend has Schizoaffective disorder and it sounded exactly like this at the beginning. Wish you all the best with how this progresses.

[u/cghipp]

In case it hasn't been mentioned, be sure to ask your credit card company and bank to issue new cards in case she's signed up for anything with your old ones.

[u/cashfile]

This woman is obviously having a major mental health crisis and you are sitting on sidelines doing nothing.

I could never let someone I supposedly loved for 3 years do this without at least trying to contact their family and mental health services.

However I understand if you want clear your hands off situation due your partner not wanting to speak to a therapist. However I would at least get her friends and family involved so they can take over, while you exit the relationship.

[u/SnarkyLurker → u/cashfile]

Mental health stuff is a hard time to deal with. Assuming this is the US, she can't be admitted into a psych ward against her will unless she's a proven danger to herself or others.

[u/cashfile → u/SnarkyLurker]

I would argue breaking into cars is when it transitions into a danger of herself and others. However, I know there is an extremely high bar for involuntary commitments. So unsure if this would qualify.

At the very least I would get her friends and family involved (Unsure if OP already has; not mentioned throughout post).

[u/SnarkyLurker → u/cashfile]

It's a shitty situation for sure. Danger to yourself or others means direct physical harm, though.

[u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938]

Sucks because she probably doesn’t think anything is even wrong with her. That’s part of the disorder (if it really is bipolar). I hope she can get hospitalized before it’s too late.

You don’t need to be the one to help her. But she definitely needs help.

[u/Beneficial-Bed778]

As someone w bipolar she gotta go on meds if it’s that bad. It’s good you broke up if she’s not gonna get help because it’s a nightmare to deal with bipolar mania off meds. Wish you the best sorry this happened

[u/savioroferinn]

Of course this could 100% be psychiatric. The sent home for being drunk, while not being drunk, part makes me nervous. I'm not saying this is every case but a CT scan wouldn't hurt. Quick changes in behavior like that have been linked to brain tumors. This sounds really stressful. I'm sorry you endured this for so long.

[u/eldankus → u/savioroferinn]

I had two buddies/roommates who became schizophrenic in their late 20s and the manic paranoia was the first sign we noticed

[u/JohnnyMNU]

As someone whose ex was going through psychosis and in mental health facilities, be present for yourself and acknowledge what your feeling. Your partner's comments on you and her perspective to a large degree are informed by the psychosis & the dopamine flow of mania and depression. So any value judgements placed on you are not accurate or valid. We can only Judge ourselves by our actions, & it sounds like you were a very supportive partner. You did all yu could. The guilt passes. Here for you bro.

[u/ShadowConstruct → u/JohnnyMNU]

As someone who dealt with a similar situation, that's very well put. It was incredibly difficult to walk away and I still feel like I abandoned her...But I had to do what I had to do to protect my own peace and sanity.

[u/akkifaine]

Ugh, all of this is rough. It’s hard when someone has a manic episode, you don’t want to be mad at them but it’s not fair for you to be punished because of it either. I hope you have the best time in the national parks when you’re able to go!

[u/Shadowtirs]

Holy shit my guy. She had deep psychological issues. She needs to be evaluated, possibly involuntarily committed until she finds out what is what. Where is her family in all of this?

So many red flags.... i think this is over my guy. Im so sorry this happened to you.

Best of luck, see you in the gym ✌️

[u/By-Other-Means]

Something similar happened to someone I know, they got forced into getting help, and it actually helped.

When I say forced, I mean she was taken to a facility that helps people with mental "issues", got properly medicated and talked to actual an psychiatrist/therapist.

To be honest your fiance needs help before it becomes permanent, if it is the same as my friend.

[u/doey77]

Has she been screened for schizophrenia or similar? Thinking everyone is out to get you is part of it.

[u/Small-Palpitation310]

This is psychosis. She should be in-patient

[u/beany33]

This won’t get better, at least not for a long time….even then, relapses/deteriorations are common and distressing for everyone involved. This will be an extraordinarily stressful relationship to manage, so you need to really think about whether you can sustain this type of support long term. Good luck 🤞

[u/Aesthetic_Moss]

This all sounds so rough. I’m sorry you’re going through it OP. It’s good to hear you had a good talk and feel confident about where you ended things.

One bit of unsolicited advice if I may though….don’t live with this person. Living with an ex is always a recipe for jealousy, fights, accidental hookups, and a never ending emotional roller coaster.

Now add in the fact that your ex isn’t paying for anything, is having manic episodes, feels no remorse, and is seeking out other men to flirt with.

You said you want to save money, but you’ve also said you’re paying for her to the point that it’s eating up your savings.

If you let her live with you, things are just going to escalate and with her history, I fear she’s not going to act rationally when it does. For your own peace, set a date that you guys end your lease and go your separate ways.

I would also suggest reaching out to her friends and family to let them know she really needs help. She needs medication and a place where she can get it together. I fear she’s in for a long haul, but I hope you know that she’s no longer your responsibility.

Sending you love and healing, OP!

[u/CombatCrayon25]

I’m sorry buddy, it sucks.

Psychosis is merciless and takes no prisoners. She needs a psych ward and medication, but she likely won’t seek it out or get it until she’s forced to (ie an involuntary hold after committing a crime). From personal experience, your best course of action is to immediately disentangle your life from hers and go to therapy to work through the grief of your relationship ending. There’s no coming back from something like this.

[u/After_Ticket_5741]

Not sure what state you are in but if you are not comfortable calling 911, search up mobile crisis teams in your area. They will go to your house and do an assessment & it was free in my city.
They were able to call an ambulance & get the person to the hospital (which was the first step before being sent to an inpatient) in a very non-threatening way without involving law enforcement.
Even followed up after and can also recommend resources for you if you need. Cannot recommend enough! Good luck and hope your trip is amazing!

[u/OttoTheSovereign]

I’m not say you should or shouldn’t stay in that relationship, you aren’t married have owe no commitment to fixing whatever this is, but I would highly recommend talking to her family about getting her help, because clearly something is either incredibly wrong, or she’s been hiding this side of herself and the mask is finally slipping. Either way, you deserve better and she NEEDS help

[u/sweetEVILone]

She is for sure in a manic state, all the hallmarks are there. Sounds like some psychotic features as well. When the mania ends it’s going to hit hard since she blew her life up.

[u/pharmgirlinfinity]

My husband is bipolar. This is only the beginning. Even if IF she eventually is fully medicated and stable you will likely still go through manic episodes and it’s a rough ride to stability. If I had it to do over I would not.

[u/trilluminus]

I know that it probably is painful right now. But brother, it seems like you’ve dodged a bullet here. Focus on yourself and your happiness and everything will work out in the end as it’s supposed to.

[u/Biochemicalcricket → u/trilluminus]

I was gonna say dodged a nuke

[u/sweetleaf009]

Wontons are fire

[u/Gjk724]

I just had a situation with my girlfriend where she completely lost control over herself and it put a strain on her and my family’s relationship that was gonna be tough to come back from. She unfortunately doesn’t seem to open to reconciliation and well our relationship is crumbling.
I was thinking about making my own post, but idk…

I hope your fiancé can get some long term help. I hope she realizes that she needs it.

And I hope that you are ok. I think the best thing for you is to leave, not live with her. It seems possible things could escalate to a not so pretty place.

[u/SarcasticNarwhale]

You need to move out of your shared place immediately, or make sure she doesn’t return. She is going to land herself and maybe you in jail at this rate. Im sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best, but please prioritize your own health and safety first.

[u/yamo25000]

she thought Taylor Swift was hiding in one of the cars

Dude that's not "a manic episode," that's schizophrenia.

[u/Dependent_Fan_9113]

This isn't funny and she isn't a "bullet dodged", this is a crisis you are obliged to report

[u/Admirable_Scratch363]

At no point did you mention taking or not taking medication.

What’s up with that?

[u/PianoManSnow]

Brother I say this with a bipolar fiancée who’s sent me to jail in her manic episode, so I know what you’re going through:

If she doesn’t get help voluntarily or involuntarily do not keep seeing her or living with her.
People with bipolar and schizophrenia do not make sense at all when untreated, anything and everything can cross her mind and she may act on it.
You can reason and plead, but to her mind what she does is always justified.
This is VERY dangerous for anybody involved.

The only reason my fiancée and I worked is because I put her on a involuntary hold (she was attempting suicide)
She got diagnosed and referred to an outpatient clinic where was medicated and regularly goes to therapy.
After about a year she showed signs of normalcy.

Even then people with managed bipolar can still have manic episodes randomly throughout life.

I mean this with every part of my soul brother:
Unless you can’t possibly see yourself without her, unless you’re ready for possibly years of hell and constant stress, and she will dedicate herself to treating the illness the rest of her life,.

Do yourself a favor and get out as soon as you can.

[u/Sea-Memory3008]

These girls usually get worse

[u/Kuzco-s_Poison]

A lot of these comments are harsh, and clearly from people who don’t understand mental illnesses.

Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. I hope she can get some long term help 😔

[u/MorrowDisca]

Cohabiting is not going to work out for you brother.

[u/bulletsponge4206]

Therapist here, work in a hospital, previously worked as a crisis worker and for insurance companies authorizing treatment - this is not something therapy will fix. She is way beyond therapy and in involuntary commitment to the hospital territory if refuses to go voluntarily. An evaluation by an outpatient psychiatrist is also unlikely to be of any benefit at this point. Manic individuals do not typically adhere to medication because they do not like coming down from mania. She needs to be in a hospital where they can monitor her medication adherence. It would also be of benefit because she can't get herself into more debt or potential legal trouble by breaking into people's cars, homes, or other belongings. Mania of this severity is an emergency. Her insight and judgment are impaired. She is not going to be able to think or act reasonably. The lack of sleep may have triggered or worsened the mania. She should have been taken to the hospital when her job found her behavior significant enough to send her home and tell her to take time off.

[u/HexMeABoba]

Happy ending.. well more bittersweet. It’s unfortunate what’s happened. But there’s not really much you can do if they don’t even want to help themselves. I’m glad you get to travel and experience new places!

Really does suck though and I hope it gets much better for you and that eventually she gets better even if she’s not the same 🥲

[u/fuckalicioussss]

which resulted in our relationship ending but still living together for now since it’s convenient. I still love and care for her

this is gonna bite you in the ass like a hippo

[u/authorinthesunset]

Wow. I don't know if cohabitation is a good choice. It only seems convenient. It won't be.

• what happens when she brings someone home?
• what happens when you want to bring someone home?
• what happens when she gets you evicted because she breaks into cars, or other apartments, or punches Taylor Swift.

It's a universally bad idea to live with an ex. When they need to be on meds and in the middle of some kind of psychotic break any other living condition would be more convenient. Seriously whatever bullshit you need to do or put up with to get out of that is worth it.

[u/BeerNinjaEsq]

Well, at least your meal looks delicious

[u/abbothenderson]

Dude, my sister-in-law is bipolar I and this sounds frighteningly like her behavior. Especially the transgressive/not recognizing boundaries element. If she won’t agree to get help, not much you can do. If possible, view it as a dodged bullet. Trust me, without medication and therapy she will get a lot worse before she gets better.

[u/Big_Albatross_]

What color flag is worse than a red? Because that's the one she's waving... Run, hard and fast

[u/4-3defense]

Good thing you guys are done

[u/Aggressive_Forecheck]

I’m so sorry to hear you went through this, my last relationship also ended due to my partner having a severe manic episode. Please do not cohabitate with this person, people dealing with manic episodes are unpredictable and frankly dangerous. You will not find peace as long as they are around.

[u/OwlGeneral8567]

Living with an ex who “shows no remorse” due to psychosis is the quickest way to end up in a Netflix documentary.

[u/cubatista92]

If not a personality/mental disorder, she could have a tumor in her brain. She needs help.

[u/-MalparidoHijoDePuta]

My money's on an undiagnosed brain tumor.

[u/Due_Degree2802]

That ain’t mania my guy.

[u/Jam85988]

I am a bipolar man, I say this as someone who's been damn close to in her shoes. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.

No matter how mentally ill someone is they are still responsible for the repurcussions of the action. Her being mentally ill doesn't absolve her of the fucked up shit she did to you.

You wanting to help and having concern is a beautiful and loving thing. Do not think it it's obligation of love or you're responsible. You keeping a door open for her is the most I think you should do, IF you still want to. Do not compromise yourself for the love of this person. It destroyed my career, marriage, and almost everything else for both of us. That was MY fault not hers.

[u/New-Restaurant-4538 → u/Jam85988]

Thank you brother for the support, almost cried reading this. Thank you

[u/Jam85988 → u/New-Restaurant-4538]

Don't fight the cry fool. It's a biochemical release for your brain. A soft reboot if you will. Let that shit out. Hydrate and shower too. No more than three days!

[u/breadandcompany → u/Jam85988]

I disagree with the premise that he is not responsible. I think that as humans we have a shared responsibility to care for each other and for our families. 

In a situation like this, he is allowed to walk away to protect himself, but he still maintains a duty to care. It may not be his job to walk with her through the entire recovery, but an initial attempt to help is his obligation. 

I believe that he is obligated to at the very least make medical personal aware of her condition. For every other physical medical emergency, calling an ambulance is expected, but why is it not expected for mental health?

[u/Jam85988 → u/breadandcompany]

We're not talking about the same thing. He's not responsible for her choices and actions. I'm not commenting on how he handled the situation. I'm talking about the culpability he has in her actions.

[u/SewingMechanic]

It’s actually a dangerous idea to live with someone unmedicated and bipolar.

[u/rebirf]

Dude there is no way living with her now is going to be convenient. It doesn't even seem like it's BEEN convenient.

[u/Cczaphod]

She literally went Postal. Haven't heard that term in a while.

You need to cut your losses or you're going to be bled dry. You're month to month on your lease, move out while she's out F-ing around and find yourself someplace you can afford to live in while you save for your future travels.

This sounds really stressful and from just what you've written here, your sanity will thank you for bowing out of this situation.

[u/GiraffeCalm5913]

This happened to a friend. They were bipolar, refused to take their medications, and then spiraled into delusions and psychosis. Everyone around them tried to stop it. Nobody was passive. It still happened

What a lot of people in this thread seem to miss is that the fiancée insisting she’s fine even when she clearly isn’t is exhausting for everyone, and most likely OP has spent a lot of effort trying to talk her down or help her see reality. And most likely the fiancée fought against it. The fact that she refuses to see a professional even when it’s available…

With us, we live in a country that does not allow involuntary commitment or sectioning. So we all (friends, family) got burnt out trying to get them to seek help, while they were fighting us and hurting everyone in the process. We all reached our limits but there was no way for professionals to intervene without their consent. It’s easy to say OP didn’t try, but that might be the case for them too.

Good luck and take care of yourself, OP!

[u/New-Restaurant-4538 → u/GiraffeCalm5913]

Thank you very much for your comments, helps to hear from someone who knows what it’s like. I was too close to see how bad things were and when she told me that she was fine and would just need some rest and time off work I was desperate to believe it

[u/GiraffeCalm5913 → u/New-Restaurant-4538]

The closer we are the harder it is to see clearly because we’re in the eye of the storm as it’s happening. While it was happening to us, they kept insisting that “this is how I am,” and when we would try to hold them accountable (for wild impulse spending, going off the rails at work, talking to objects, self-medicating with drugs instead of taking prescribed meds) they would get mad at us and say we weren’t patient enough to “understand mental health.”

I went through a period of trying to be patient, thinking that maybe friendship means giving them space and nudging them to come to the conclusion on their own instead of forcing them. Then it got too much, and when I confronted them and outright said they needed to listen to the doctors, they went ballistic and threatened me. Even then I tried to explain that we loved them, but wanted what was best for them. But you can’t logic with someone who has divorced from logic. Friend was sending me hateful voice notes and emails every day, cussing me out, for months before I walked away.

I’m glad you are stepping away. In the case of my friend, their spouse is still there, stuck in a narrative of loving them means staying no matter what. And the spouse is drained financially, emotionally, mentally, physically because our friend refuses to accept help.

Your health matters too, and you deserve to be safe too. It isn’t selfish to walk away from a situation where an unhealthy person refuses to accept the help you offer. We can want them to get better and wish for the best, but it doesn’t have to be you who “makes” them better. After walking away, I was afraid that I would miss them too much because we were so close. But now I feel relief, and I have more time and energy for good things in my life. And now that it’s been several years, I can’t believe I carried that much for so long.

Hang in there OP and don’t carry guilt that you don’t deserve to carry. Just hope that they complete their own journey to recovery, but look forward to better days coming for yourself.

[u/Upside_lucifer]

Run for your life dude, sounds like this was meant to be. Good thing yall didn’t fully marry. Don’t worry you’ll find someone far better out there who isn’t digging in cars for Taylor swift

[u/Fat_Tony_Damico]

“Yesterday we had a good talk which resulted in our relationship ending but still living together for now since it’s convenient.”

Convenient for whom? Sounds like she’s just mooching off of you and you, being a giant pushover, is just going to fund her life and continue to bail her out of her bullshit. Congrats on having all the responsibilities of being a partner and taking care of a child with none of the reciprocal affection I guess. Proud of you bro?

[u/gnarlyjeff]

Bro HOW have you not tried to get her medical help??? Like she has been in full on psychosis for months and you’re just like 🤷🤷 I’m so confused

[u/rocketmn69_]

Move while she's gone and block her everywhere

[u/Eranon1]

Everyone telling you to leave now and save yourself are 100% correct be happy there isn't a kid involved.

As someone who had to find the right combination of medication to really start to succeed, you can't help her until she helps herself. And you don't want to be responsible for whatever crap she pulls next.

What if she comes home even more unstable, hurts herself and then calls the cops and says you did it. Your screwed.

Protect yourself, protect your freedom, and protect your future.

Look forward to those national parks and Alaska my guy.

Good luck with it all

[u/crashcap]

Shit, this looks good but need some spicy stuff. Either chilly oil or just flat out sauce

[u/DeadInternetInAction]

OP you need to get the fuck out. This person is only going to drag you down. YOU HAD TO PLEAD TO BOT BE HOMELESS!

Also as an aside… no wonder mail goes missing if this is who delivers it..

[u/Lima_Bean_Jean]

So you saw all of this and didnt think to take her someplace to get checked out?

[u/Hopeful_Ad_3391]

Your partner is in another state with very little supervision or understanding of her situation, has clearly been progressing through a severely worsening manic episode over the past few weeks, and all you seem to have done is throw your hands up and walk away.

I get it. This kind of stuff can be stressful and overwhelming, but you either need to step up and be her partner or at least force her to get the help she needs. Immediately. Not when she’s “back from her trip”, especially considering she already extended it indefinitely.

[u/New-Restaurant-4538 → u/Hopeful_Ad_3391]

How do you suggest I force a grown adult 10 hours away in another state who I don’t have the address for to get help when she has already refused my pleas for her to come back?

[u/Classic-Procedure757]

You’re on a month-to-month lease. You need to bounce and block her.

[u/quail_challenge122]

Buddy you dodge a freight train. Enjoy Alaska

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[u/Individual_Respect90]

This reminds me of my one bipolar roommate. For context I a straight guy lived with 2 gay guys who were a couple. On of the guys was bipolar. Somehow me and a coworker (female) at the time (who also had issues) meet for like a day and decided they were going on vacation together alone (weird). On that vacation my roommate decided he wanted to have kids and him and my other roommate were gonna raise them so he had sex with her trying to have kids. Didn’t discuss this with his partner. Luckily that didn’t take. Then he randomly got into hardcore drugs not sure which one but required a needle. Then one day when I came back from work their bed was just in the trash section still not sure what happened. They finally broke up but they had a joint bank account. 3 weeks after they were broke up that was completely drained like he took it all out all at once. The kicker is a few hours after he drained it for some reason he decided to put $50 back in. Then randomly 6 months after he was gone he accused me of beating my dog… shit was wild.

[u/LoadCan]

Brother, she was looking for Taylor Swift hiding in random cars in your neighborhood. She's past a talk therapist.  She needs medical attention. 

[u/prosthetic_memory]

This is not bipolar disorder. Good luck man.

[u/Sea-Course-5171]

She needs to be put on a psych hold Asap. This woman is a danger to herself and others. Whether she goes into the temporary looney bin is up to the doctors, but at the very least 72h of observation.

[u/Baxterousness]

Hey man, food looks good. At a certain point you've got to realise you've moved from supporting someone to enabling them.

It's always hard to see the line when you're living it every day, but you are well over it now.

Best of luck.

[u/Main_Mobile_8244]

Hallucinating a celebrity is not mania, that’s paranoid schizophrenia.  I have experience with schizophrenic people and they need to be medicated to be in any way functional.

[u/Songeri]

Hey, everyone told you what to do. I am a partner of someone with bipolar 1. You're not alone, protect yourself first and if you need to vent my DMs are open.

[u/Ok-Squirrel-5479]

She tried to cheat on you and you still pay for her?

[u/Suspicious-Bid9424]

But damn that chinese looks good

Can't control people. Just gotta let them do their thing and pursue whatever semblance of purpose or happiness their brain compels them towards. Sucks to have good things end, but none of us are exempt from the changing of the seasons. Best wishes

[u/patterninstatic]

She has pretty severe mental illness and needs help. Your call if you want to be part of that process.

What's certain is that in her current state she can't be in a healthy relationship.

Don't let investment bias cloud your judgment. Forget the three years. If you had just started dating, would you want to stay with this person? Probably not.

[u/eagengabriel]

put her in a funny farm she's gone crazy

[u/Grouchy_Swordfish364]

Bruh, you on the wrong side of a damned tornado.

There is no amount of convenience that you two need to live together. Either she needs to move out, or you need to get your crap and bounce. She's breaking the law and acting reckless. This is about to fall in your lap.

Get out while you can. Godspeed. Hopefully she gets help, but you can't force a horse to drink water and assuredly you can't make anyone not endanger themselves. Best you can do is support from a far distance and protect yourself. That ship will crash...Hard.

[u/Sirchickenhawk]

Unfortunately youre both at the age where bi-polar, schizophrenia and schizo effective disorders usually start showing in earnest. Its hard to live with, and I feel for you

[u/ChaosRainbow23]

You don't wanna be with a bipolar woman, bro.

It's an absolute nightmare if they aren't being treated.

[u/Mufvsa_]

You didn’t have her committed after the Taylor swift thing??????

[u/bloodblister2004]

Shes literally having a psychotic episode and youre farting around in self pity ??? Wtf were ypu doing during all this while she was literally comitting felonies?! I agree that you guys shouldnt be together you are a very irresponsible and self-focused partner

[u/Active_Corgi_2507]

OP thank your stars. What a blessing to find out this person is a mess before you get married. Let her parents know she’s having a mental health crisis and get yourself separated from as soon as possible. She will destroy your life.

[u/psahummus → u/Active_Corgi_2507]

You sound like people who experienced mental health issues are flawed. FYI someone could have a dose of meds wrong and slip into psychosis, what then? Is it their fault they are a mess now….? I don’t know how you put it like that so casually.

I don’t blame you for boundaries but just reading the comments of a pretty clear cut “person behaving not like their normal
Self” here and getting chills. No wonder men don’t speak up and ask for help from men

[u/Weasel-Words]

Good riddance, tbh. Crazy chicks usually don't get saner with age unless they go on meds, seek therapy, or otherwise make an effort to sort themselves out. It's well done that you split up before getting married, having kids, or commingling assets. Looking forward to hearing about your hiking trip.

[u/PunishedCatto]

Sounds like hell, but at least you got outta that toxic relationship.

It doesn't sound worth it, tbh.

[u/Certain_Detective_84]

...hey, continuing to live with someone who is quite literally *criminally insane* is going to be the least convenient mistake you ever fucking made. You need to establish separate domiciles before you end up in the news.

Do not continue to live with her.

[u/Serious_Income_7020]

Woah, this is a serious trainwreck. Not worth it. This isn’t your problem.

[u/Mediocre-Reference64]

A reminder to all guys not to date women with bipolar or BPD. It is not worth it, it never is.

[u/dinasour1004 → u/Mediocre-Reference64]

I dunno, my friend has bipolar disorder but her and her bf have been together for 7+ years just fine

Not everyone with a certain mental illness is the same, and perpetuating that idea just leads to more stigma and shame surrounding these disorders, and therefore people with said disorders are less likely to seek professional help

[u/VonBargenJL → u/dinasour1004]

I was married with kids to my bpd ex for 7 years 🤷‍♂️ fun til it wasn't

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/Mediocre-Reference64]

Soo women shouldn't date men who have mental health issues either??? Date them, if they medicare

[u/Mediocre-Reference64 → u/quail_challenge122]

I said bipolar or BPD. And women are very over-represented in the BPD cohort at least.

Also this is a male discussion forum. I am as a man giving advice to a man. I'm not too concerned about the advice that should be given to women, probably better coming from a woman? I presume they would agree.

If I was a woman however, yes, I wouldn't date men with serious mental health problems.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/Mediocre-Reference64]

I mean that's certainly a take. I think medicated vs unmedicated is different

[u/Mediocre-Reference64 → u/quail_challenge122]

You dont want a girlfriend or wife who is dependent on psychotropics for sanity.

[u/DeuceMandago → u/[deleted]]

This sounds much more like a serious mental health episode than anything you’ve said. How one could read this and not immediately think “psychosis” is beyond me.

[u/Troll-Aficionado → u/[deleted]]

Sounds less like narcissism and more like a prolonged psychotic episode / schizophrenia or something, I mean she thought she'd find Taylor Swift in a parked car lol

[u/dinasour1004 → u/[deleted]]

She’s in active psychosis. Not everything is narcissism

[u/Jealous-Rush2430]

Sounds like you breaking up was for the best. She needs help.

[u/CoincidenceTheorist2]

Better to know this now than latter.  Marrying crazy can burn down your future, not just your present.

[u/AlthanRalinor]

There’s always someone else

[u/Fancy-Stress4194]

Hit me up for the national park thing!! Also on my bucket luck list :) for real though this sucks I’m sorry but you have a good head on your shoulders.

[u/New-Restaurant-4538 → u/Fancy-Stress4194]

Thank you and best of luck on your national park journey!

[u/ohnoitsme7890]

Change the locks and get her a storage unit.