Fiancé has a manic episode and three years of relationship ends

[u/New-Restaurant-4538]

Long rant, thought I’d join the trend of broken relationships. Me (25m) and my fiancé (26f) have been together for just over 3 years now, living together for most of that time and now it’s ending.

Really though she would be the one, we had fights over the last few years but were always able to come together and talk it through but a few months ago things drastically changed.

About 5 months ago she broke off a relationship with a college friend who was a pretty big part of her life but she was growing resentful of. After this my fiancé started to seem off, became more spaced out, angrier and quicker to snap at things, and sometimes couldn’t keep a train of thought. We talked and she said I was reading into things and not to worry.

A few weeks after that her mental state was becoming more stressed and paranoid due to being bullied at work, long hours, and lack of sleep. She got some time off work and ended up going into credit card debt over travel expenses (about $2.5 thousand).

A month after this she got sent home from work early due to her supervisor being concerned about her behavior and seemingly drunk (I know she wasn’t actually intoxicated) and then was told to not come in for a few days.

The next day I was taking a nap and was woken up by my fiancé who said “I think I made the land lords upset”. Long story short she went around the neighborhood trying to open random car doors and then did it our landlord whose car was unlocked. She went in the car took a garage clicker and a cross then opened the garage with the clicker which is when landlords ran out and confronted her. It took hours of begging on my part to not get kicked out or have criminal charges pressed (we are on a month to month lease). She still doesn’t think what she did was wrong and said she did it because she thought Taylor Swift was hiding in one of the cars.

I’m a bit hazy on the next order of events but over the next few days she goes back to work (as a USPS mail carrier), takes mail home with her, confesses to stealing the mail, starts to get investigated for the felony charge, is forced to quit or get a felony and possible jail time. Shows no remorse and just talks about how they take the mail too seriously.

Over time she becomes more manic and paranoid. Thinks everything is a dream or people playing pranks on her. Refuses to see a therapist (which is free thru my work) due to thinking they are all in on the prank. She has no job and is in debt. I’m paying for everything including her car payments and bailing her out of debt which are not cheap and dipping into my savings just to get by while she wants my card to shop at expensive grocery stores.

Two weeks ago I caught her flirting with her old boss via text and saying she “wants to be more than friends” and she blamed it on me for not being with her enough. And by trust and hope felt shattered. I try to talk to her and see if we can work things out but then…

Last week she left for vacation to see her friend in another state and a few days before she was to come home tells me she’s prolonging her trip by a few weeks with no real end date.

Talked to her very little since she left and most times I do it ends quickly or ended up in a fight. Yesterday we had a good talk which resulted in our relationship ending but still living together for now since it’s convenient. I still love and care for her and hope we can stay friends but I finally accepted that we are not the people who will make each other happy.

It’s a dream of mine to explore as much as I can, starting with all the National Parks (37/63 seen so far). I plan to save up for a 5-7 months and then take some time off and move to Alaska for work and get to backpack the national parks there. Thank yall if you made it this far, feels good to have it written down and get to share my story a bit!!

Food: Seamed dumplings, wonton soup and Szechuan beef!!

Edit: Thank you everyone for the support and reality check. Seeing the reactions I definitely grew numb to a lot of the shit going on and just kept hoping to see things get better. For the ones who showed concern, her family has been filled in fully the last week or two and are planning on getting her evaluated by a psychiatrist and hopefully hospitalized when she comes back from her trip since she’s not willing to go on her own. Will definitely be living separately as well now lol. Thank you again for everyone who reached out to me, it’s been very isolating and this was a huge relief ❤️

[u/dinasour1004]

Honestly, it sounds like she might need to be involuntarily held in a psychiatric ward so she can be medicated. If someone has psychosis, they need medication; therapy alone does not work for psychosis because it’s not a behavioral issue, it’s a brain chemistry issue

[u/zenhoe → u/dinasour1004]

Thank you. This person needs to be hospitalized and medicated, this is dangerous.

[u/Serious_Income_7020 → u/dinasour1004]

As someone with experience in this arena, she’s absolutely heading to a hospital for commitment after a court concludes she’s incapable of facing trial on felony charges. She needs to be medicated and stabilized asap.

[u/snootchiebootchie94 → u/dinasour1004]

She sounds like she is bipolar and needs meds. Get her the help she needs and get her away from OP before she does something to endanger them both.

[u/UltraHellboy → u/snootchiebootchie94]

She may be more than bipolar

[u/Ok_Net7773 → u/UltraHellboy]

Nahh, but I’ll give you a pass on inexperience. Only someone unfamiliar with bipolar would say that.

[u/UltraHellboy → u/Ok_Net7773]

OK. I know people, but I didn’t grow up with one and I’m not married to one.

[u/Kuzco-s_Poison → u/dinasour1004]

Yes, this. Thanks for being the one sane comment here..

[u/Unable-Analysis-3855 → u/[deleted]]

This ain’t an ex boyfriend this was her fiancé. You intend to marry someone that means a lot more than just “girlfriend.” He doesn’t have to stay but what kind of man/fiancé wouldn’t want to make sure his fiancé (or ex-fiancé) is safe? She is manic in a different state with a friend who may not even know her mental state. This kinda shit isn’t a game, she is vulnerable and needs help. He doesn’t have to stay with her or be with her but this situation is now also deeper than that.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/[deleted]]

It’s quite common for bipolar folks to blow up their life like this during a manic episode.

If OP tells police half of what he said here, they will take her for a psychiatric evaluation.

This is a medical emergency.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/[deleted]]

Bipolar folks need a close family member or close friend to call our psychiatrist to tell them we are manic.

I have my husband that alerts me to increase my anti psychotics.

They were engaged.

He should be calling her doctors and alerting them she is having a medical emergency.

Or at least her fucking parents.

She is in medical distress.

She could kill herself or others.

This is a five alarm fire.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/[deleted]]

I’m a lawyer, I respectfully disagree.

In my State, a pickup order would be issued and she would be taken to a hospital.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl → u/[deleted]]

She has been committing crimes!

She is a danger to the public at large.

[u/psahummus → u/[deleted]]

You sounds both judgmental and nonchalant. What do you wish happen to this poor girl who is already gonna be in so much trouble.

I swear some people have not even any civic duties. People around us yes stories you hear on the internet can be telling you fake stories but your total lack of concern and confusing, condescending attitudes here are astounding.

[u/dinasour1004 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t really see why the person who makes the call would make a difference other than likely interpersonal conflict, which can be figured out. It’s life-saving care either way; same with contacting authorities when someone is actively suicidal

[u/dinasour1004 → u/[deleted]]

No, because it’s life-saving care either way. If she becomes angry that he got her involuntarily committed, she can’t do anything about it while she’s in the ward, anyway

[u/Unable-Analysis-3855 → u/[deleted]]

That’s not how involuntary commitment works? What you think a call gets someone committed for years? It’s a call to a hospital and a two week stay at a psych ward. If you want lifetime commitment that’s a civil process that goes through the courts. I’m a lawyer, not a simpleton. Seems like your understanding is from Hollywood.

[u/Practical-Share-2950 → u/[deleted]]

Involuntary holds occur at the discretion of a clinician. Boyfriends do not make this decision.

Someone who meets the criteria for an involuntary hold is absolutely a threat to themselves and others.

[u/Unable-Analysis-3855 → u/[deleted]]

It’s simple dude, you call the friend and explain and call her relatives. She goes to a hospital for 2 weeks or so where she gets drugs and therapy so that they get her brain chemicals normal. Then she is released with a prescription and a therapist to contact. That’s literally it. Anyone can make this call, you can even do a wellness check by calling the police first and explaining. What your talking about is a CIVIL commitment, where the person becomes a ward of the state and enters its custody. That’s a years-long process that requires expert witnesses and more. That’s not for this situation, that is for individuals who genuinely cannot function independently in society. It’s rare these days. We are asking for him to get her to a hospital to get her brain chemicals out of wack with emergency intervention. When she leaves the hospital she doesn’t stay in anyone’s custody. She is a free woman. We have civil rights for a reason. Again this ain’t Hollywood.

She is bipolar, all it would take is one hospital therapist to recognize this manic episode and it’s curtains. All of her behavior is classic symptoms. Hypersexuality, spending money, making crazy life decisions. This is classic mania. She is even hallucinating at this point. It will reach a point where she is barely coherent. My partner was drawing on walls of a store when she finally got help.

[u/dinasour1004 → u/[deleted]]

In order to be involuntarily institutionalized (at least where I live), there usually needs to be some kind of proof that the person is actually in need of that kind of care

Of course some abusive people could use that tool as a weapon, but this is not the case here whatsoever and is therefore irrelevant

It would be wrong and illegal of OP to hold her against her will obviously, but that’s why crisis intervention teams and similar things exist; they allow people to get the proper authorities to evaluate the situation and person in question, and determine what to do in a professional manner. They won’t just take someone away without actual evidence of a crisis

We’re talking about an intervention that is life-saving, here. That’s the important thing

[u/antibread → u/[deleted]]

Breaking and entering is a great way to get shot. She is in clear danger

[u/lila_rose → u/[deleted]]

Is that your clinical opinion🤡🤡🤡

[u/Ok_Accountant_5079 → u/dinasour1004]

Speaking as someone who has been involuntarily committed, you may do unfathomable harm by going down this road.

It does not matter what the consequences are. I would NEVER want someone to lock me up and pump me full of drugs. I have experienced psychosis. I know that the strange nature of a person's behavior does not, in fact, prove they are dangerous. I know that there is virtually no risk I would not take in order to preserve my freedom. If you have never been indefinitely imprisoned and drugged and coerced into compliance, you do not know what it is like and cannot claim it is in anyone's best interest.

I am currently rational (the technical term is "euthymic"). I am as capable of making my own decisions as anyone else in this conversation. It is my judgment that what we call psychiatry is so dehumanizing that I would prefer death to being imprisoned and compelled to take mind-altering drugs. You have no right to overrule my judgment, but I wager you would do so in a heartbeat. Everyone is allowed to have an opinion on this system except for its victims.

I won't say commitment is never the answer. It is never the answer in my case; I was serious about preferring death. But I will say that having control of your mind taken away can be even worse than losing it to illness.

[u/HopkinsIsMyHomeboy → u/Ok_Accountant_5079]

Unfortunately you forfeit the right to be left the hell alone when you are speed running how many felonies you can rack up while refusing to get help or admit you did anything wrong. Even when you are trying to get into strangers cars and homes because Taylor fucking Swift is hidden inside. She’s ruining her life and putting herself in danger with her current mental state, but yeah leave her the fuck alone she’s doing fine 🙄

[u/molecule_anteater68 → u/Ok_Accountant_5079]

carceral and medical carceral systems are traumatic and she may not be dangerous to anyone, but is already proving to be dangerous to herself. people outside herself need to step in to help her get treatment. not all involuntary holds are "pumping you full of drugs."

OP, if he loves her even if the relationship is over, should be helping research safe placements and treatment intervention. needing medication is not inherently coercion.

she could have a brain tumor or other big health thing going on she needs to be immediately screened for that caused this sudden behavior shift and mania. being around a partner with mania who does not want to admit there is an issue often not workable.

[u/4d-lettuce → u/Ok_Accountant_5079]

I’m sorry, but this is no longer a matter of her comfort, it’s a matter of the safety of everyone that she may come into contact with. Someone will end up getting severely hurt if she is not treated.

[u/craptasticluke → u/Ok_Accountant_5079]

I’ll readily acknowledge that psychiatric care has problems and needs reforms, plenty of people who’ve been through voluntary and involuntary care have shared their negative experiences. But just letting people continue in their delusion is not a solution. At a certain point the risk of harm to yourself and others outweighs your right to autonomy. Maybe OP’s fiancé wasn’t physically harming herself, but she was absolutely causing social/financial harm that would’ve had a long term effect on her career and life.

[u/FusRoDawg → u/Ok_Accountant_5079]

Lots of words about what you felt and nothing said about what must be done instead. Clearly this person can't be allowed to break into people's homes and steal mail. What if the next hallucination is not as tame as Taylor Swift hiding in one of the cars?

[u/LustigPH → u/Ok_Accountant_5079]

I have ALWAYS wanted to talk to someone with this view, because my mind has wandered down the same street a few times.

What do you think should be done with her? In OP's case I guess just leave, but that won't stop her from hurting herself or other's in the future. This time it was Swift hiding in a car, next time it might be god telling her to kill the neighbours kid.