**TW** Self harm

Basically I am now in my 30s, I have autism, ADHD, I am exhausted and in pain 90% of the time and have a long list of other health issues that fall under the umbrella of autonomic dysfunction. I also have immense difficulty focusing and learning new things to the point of it feeling like my brain just stops working sometimes.

I have had around 20 jobs in my life and have only been able to maintain one for roughly 4 years because it was work from home. I have been to school for multiple things but I failed the first time around and I cannot pursue the other thing due to my health. I did quite well at my last job initially, far surpassing most of my colleagues, but would put in the bare minimum of work near the end due to endless burnout.

Sometimes I will randomly become ambitious and gaslight myself into thinking that I can do anything, so I stupidly tried applying somewhere else because my salary was pitiful. I ended up getting the job miraculously, but they ended up not being at all accommodating of my health issues and I lost that job within a few months. So I am now unemployed and I lost the one work environment that worked for me.

I love cooking, I used to love drawing and gaming, but doing both of those things now causes me physical pain, and I have lost motivation to do them. I find most things incredibly boring and almost nothing stimulates me anymore, conversation drains me beyond belief, going into an office for a day requires that I take the next day off to recover, otherwise my nervous system gets stuck in fight or flight and I become very ill. I don't have the 'gifted' form of autism where I am good with numbers or math, in fact I have a math learning disability that has barred me from pursuing the few things that I actually wanted to.

Most of my time is consumed by 'resting' even though I barely do anything. I force myself to go to the gym every two days, but it makes my pain even worse. I do it anyways because I am always in pain regardless. I look normal, so everyone treats me normally even though I am disabled, so people just assume that I am a weird misanthrope because I dont go out to bars, go for walks and other things that normal people do.

My health and my cognitive abilities have steadily declined year over year and so have my spirits. My ambitions do not align with my abilities and it is incredibly demoralizing. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I will always be held back by my health, even when I do everything right and take care of myself.

I am not suicidal, but I was several years ago and I remember coming to terms as young as 6 years old that I would likely not live a long life. I guess I've stuck around this long because I was curious if things would change, and I don't want to traumatize my family.

I guess I'm just curious, but how do people live like this and lead a long life? I am in my early 30s and am exhausted simply from doing the bare minimum of existing, how am I supposed to build a career and the rest of that?

-A friend who is very tired

I know what I like from all restaurants. I never get tired of the orders I like.

I have issues with food. I grew up with body dysmorphia and was bullied by literally everyone I knew for being skinny. I physically can not force myself to eat something I don't like. I will throw it back up.

The only fast food that doesn't make me feel yucky is Cook Out. It's a little cheaper than most fast food, and their beef patties are always really fresh. They have only gotten my order wrong once. Until today.

I haven't eaten much today and was starving to the point of being nauseous. I got my order that I always get and went home. I got home and started to unwrap my burger and there's fucking american cheese on it. That is one of my biggest no-no foods. It's the one thing that is always wrong when they get my order. I ALWAYS specify that I DO NOT want fucking yellow cheese on my food. What makes it worse is that every time it happens, some dumbass says "well can't you scrape it off." NO, I CAN NOT SCAPE THE MELTED AMERICAN CHEESE OFF MY FUCKING FOOD. How do people think that's a solution. Do they not stop to think for one second that you can't feasibly scrape melted anything off of anything. Especially not a burger patty that has ridges and divots.

I believe that any job should pay you a living wage, but holy shit. How is it so god damn hard to get a food order right. I don't ask for anything insane. Just a burger with only lettuce and onion. It is not hard to comprehend.

I was already drained from being around my family, then this happens. I just wanna crawl into a hole and cease to exist. I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything to cheer myself up.

I feel like people get really annoyed for "young people wearing headphones" overall, but it's increasing getting more acceptable to listen to something while performing manual labour, which is cool. But still people always assume if you have headphones you are paying less attention and are less productive.

For me that's not really the case. When I don't have headphones and get really bored, my brain will just start increasingly disassociate and do the work on autopilot, while centering most of my consciousness on some entertainment inside my head, so headphone in one ear is, i would say is, 50% focus on entertainment 50% on work, no headphones are like 80% of energy spent on entertainment and increasing, it gets to a point eventually where i genuinely start looking and feeling slightly schizophrenic or manic (mouthing words, reacting to internal dialogue externally, confusion and the like).

Even if im not feeling bored, if i enjoy the work, my brain still will play music, or generate some though experiment. As for my focus on work it's genuinely not really a difference, whether the music im listening to is playing from headphones, or gets generated in my head. Obviously sometimes you are doing something that temporarily needs all attention, but thats not most of the time.

It's just really interesting perspective on life, that people generally seem to not share, I'm wondering whether somebody here feels similarly.

Every week I have a new favorite song and I start calling it just my song of the week instead of favorite song. I was wondering if anyone else has this and what’s it this week?

(As a fellow German) this week Mine is “Sommernostalgie” by indica.

Like I mean overly strong. Like I got sent home in the first grade for telling all the other kids that Santa wasn't real (spoiler alert). I just felt that it was dishonest to tell the other kids a lie. I always had my own views on what was good and what was bad. I guess I was very judgmental when I had no reason to be. I have always had these unshakeable morals that I seem to have developed from nowhere. Is it just a me thing or did anyone else have the same thing?

Hello everyone, so recently I've been thinking about my mother, who is probably AuDHD too, the oldest of 3 sisters and a caregiver and a hardworker since she was born, she's what in US terms you'd stereotypically call a Hillbilly I think, the most straigthfoward person you can think of, and someone who dosen't stop, ever. She raised me despite the fact my father was doing everything in his power to not let her, and I asked her how she has kept being a consistently working person for god nows how long and she just told me "I don't know I just do it"

Now, I asked her because I want to be like her, but to be honest I'm fucking scared that i can't barely human by myself, How can you take care for a baby, a developing person, a dog?, I've always wanted to but I've felt like being just me is bad enough already so how? how can you do it? are you a god? (That one is a joke but it feels like that sometimes)

Talking with my therapist recently, I commented that AuDHD feels like it should have its own diagnostic code/definition and she agreed. It feels like ADHD and autism are too limiting to diagnose both and just call it a day. AuDHD, or whatever we should call it, presents unique challenges in diagnosis and treatment which are distinct from people with one or the other.

I have a related issue with being called neurodivergent. We have alternative, complex neurological pathways above and beyond what neurotypical (aka neurolimited) people experience. We are the innovators, problem solvers, and crisis managers that are vital to human society.

Any thoughts? Also, what should we call it? Extra spicy? Complex Neurological Processing (CNP)?

M19.
I have lost all my friends, achievements and every glimpse of confidence in my life. Dropped out of school last year, started using substances to cope, later on that graduated to gambling.
To cope with depression and not being stimulated, I self-sabotage and fuck up every job opportunity and relationship I have. Simply masked for too long and broke down. Prescribed stimulants make me autistic, I can think on them but not integrate. I work at a shitty startup making less than minimum wage part time.
I am trapped in this weird limbo where I know everything that I have to do & fix but also simultaneously there’s a devilish figure on my shoulder that will make me indulge in so much misery and hedonism to just satisfy my cravings/even feel the slightest sense of happiness. This gives me suicidal thoughts, every day, it’s exhausting.

My family and acquaintances are not that educated on this. I am diagnosed, but no truly believes me. Everyone praises me for my “original” style of thinking but doesn’t want to help me with my mental illnesses.

My struggle is invisible and I’ve led people to believe I’m someone else. I’m a fuck up.

So yeah, I'm 47, 2 years ago formally diagnosed with ADHD and during that process it was recommended that I seek the second diagnosis for Autism. Sat on that information for quite a while, have engaged someone for 2nd process and she is pretty convinced already that I am likely L2 Autistic, just based on what she has observed and what I have told her.

In the last 2 years, my life has improved in some ways but gotten worse in many others. Treatment for ADHD seems to have amplified my Autistic traits, and I have been told straight-up that I have changed for the worse. My friends have drifted away, relationships with some family members are strained. I thought this process would be healing, but now I feel more misunderstood and lonely than ever. I feel very disillusioned and wonder if I should have just stayed with the old path of suffering instead of the new one. At least people liked me then 😔

Edit: Sorry for the "pity me" post. Today was really tough, dealing with the deterioration of relationships.

Getting back into the workforce and looking to the future?

Convincing myself to get back in the workforce? And look into the future

I want to work but I just can’t convince myself, been a few months since I’ve worked and I can’t see myself doing it for more than a few months before quitting.
I use to have no problem working, I enjoyed it it brought me stability.

at 24 with all the Absolutly terrible treatment and toxic work environments I’ve had to push myself so hard in to the point of severe burn out I just can’t think of working.
Even if it is a healthy place Idk if I can do it, I think about being in a work setting and I can’t really grasp that idea anymore without feeling weak and exhausted.

Also just don’t see a future anymore, I don’t allow myself to daydream about many things I want to do, due to my severe memory problems that will limit me heavily to entry level jobs, plus my brain fog, plus adhd and dyslexia that is all exacerbated by all the trauma and disappointment I’ve constantly faced in the last 5 years.

A example of how messed up I am, I am not sad or even really depressed I think, just stuck in limbo.
I can’t cry, I have enough energy to do things but not really try, my dyslexia has gotten 3x worse, multiple times I’m trying to type something on the computer and end up typing the last thing I was thinking of instead.
This happens multiple times a day and is totally new, my spelling is also gone down heavily.
Another example is today I was getting cereal and I grabbed a cup, looked and payed attention as I poured the cereal into the cup, put the cereal away then turned and realized what I did.

Now I’ll say a lot of this problem is due to me sleeping in for hours, I doom scroll now to which is something I’ve never done till a few months ago.
My brain feels mushy at times and I’m just done.
I am starting to consider maybe I’ll just be homeless and that kind of seems comforting.
I live with my parents and use to have steady decent work and did just as well as others but not now.
idk what I’ll do now or when my parents go considering my ability mixed with my current mindset.

I’m also currently going to school to be a mechanic and can’t bring myself to really pay attention, I try and it just doesn’t stick do to memory issues + the forced disinterest.
So I’m drastically behind and can’t bring myself to study or catch up.
I want to go into some sort of social working in a few years but that requires degrees! Fantastic! More hell, more burnout, more waisted time taking up my life I’m already very unhappy with.

I loved the world and I use to feel the earth breathing and was just a happy go lucky person even if bad things happened but now I just go in the woods and lay on the ground but I can’t zone out, I’m just stuck in my skull if that makes sense? And I have felt detached for the last 1 3/4 years.

This world isn’t built or tolerating for someone with all this, the places that are will not provide me enough money or at least be on a level I’d be ok with, I’ve worked and struggled to hard to lower my expectations for a job/career.

I do go to therapy, my home life is very stable, I have solid friends and I do do the things I love

Thanks in advance lovely people and hope your day is well🙂

For context i have tomorrow a important and very hard math-exam and i need to lock in to learn. For that reason i took unretardet methylphenidate one 10mg dose at 14pm and one at 16 pm. And instead of studying i started task-hopping so bad, omg started researching random gaming accessories im interested in, cooked a full meal enough for a family (meal prep for me) from scratch, installed and setup a whole parametric EQ, then startet going on reddit (i am on reddit once a few months). I am Fuming. They should help me focus and not make me adhd harder. I am so fucked.

So today I had a seminar with some lab professionals about an internship im interested in applying to. Honestly, when the man spoke to me one on one I was super nervous and my mind went blank trying to figure out something to ask or talk about and it was just an awkward silence and I kept repeating thats actually really great over and over. I could tell he picked up on it I feel so embarrassed and that I might never get this internship how can I be a better speaker and more socially unawkward.

trying to get my (early 20s) parents (gen x) to understand my asd and adhd diagnoses and that they’re actual legitimate disabilities that are preventing me from working a normal part-time—let alone a full-time—job, and not some crutch or me slapping random labels on myself to be cool like a goddamn child.

my dad is trying to understand and mentioned he should probably learn more about autism and i think that’s my opening to finally get through to them. i want to find good, trusted sources, but i have no clue where to start looking. what reputable sites or organizations should i look into?

(don’t bother telling me to move out, i don’t want to. even if i did i would probably die.)

(apologies for the harsh wording, i am very tired and just trying to hold it all together.)

sorry if this isn’t allowed here feel free to delete! just hoping for some outside opinions because idk what to think

i was recently diagnosed with adhd at 24(f), suspected ADD because i’ve always struggled with attention especially on things that dont interest me and was starting to worry about how it was affecting my uni work (incapable of doing it until right before deadlines, inability to retain information, brain trailing off without me realising for chunks of time) got diagnosed with ADHD, i didn’t realise the hyperactivity could be in your brain! i’ve since learned a lot about myself but i’m also noticing things that my adhd diagnosis doesn’t quite explain, at least to my knowledge, and i’m beginning to suspect potential autism?

- i struggle in social situations i overthink everything and in my fear of coming across weird i almost definitely come across weird
-i find myself interrupting unintentionally i find it hard to recognise my turn to speak and once i start speaking i have a tendency to ramble
-eye contact makes me deeply uncomfortable i am incapable of holding it for very long even with people im extremely comfortable with
i feel like i either find it very easy or virtually impossible to read people
-i cannot enjoy fiction, i find it irrationally frustrating, “that would never happen” “well that’s just not possible” “that literally doesn’t exist” no matter how hard i try i cannot look past it, i find myself almost strictly watching documentaries or commentary
-i’m noticing i talk about the same things, a lot, to the same people, but i can’t seem to reign in it (idk if adhd meds have made me more aware of that??)
-it’s been pointed out to me that sometimes i might have a bit of a black and white approach on advice, i feel like i can understand others emotions and definitely empathise with them but where i struggle is sometimes in these situations i can see what feels like a very logical easy fix and i struggle to understand why people arnt doing those things (idk if im making sense or if thats super vague)
-ever since i was a kid i would do what i call “resets” every sunday, this is where i will do all my cleaning and washing and when ive done it all i will then have an everything shower, that way everything including me is clean, clean start to the week, clean slate, fresh start, if something comes up that gets in the way of my reset i get extremely upset, that’s the week ruined, i may as well rot for the whole week try again next sunday
-i dread anything that involves the aspect of surprise, it creates deep anxiety in me even tho i know its supposed to be something exciting and fun and im not even entirely sure why i think its the unknown, i do not like the unknown
-i need to know the “why” to everything in order to understand it
- i need people to outright tell me there thoughts and feelings and intentions otherwise i will not know where i stand, similarly i need clear instructions i struggle to take initiative in fear of doing something wrong which is probably why i also hate decision making that involves other people because what if i make the wrong choice
- i find myself picking up on peoples quirks, catchphrases, the way they carry themselves and i end up mirroring them, completely unintentionally, but i don’t know how to not
- i have no imagination, i don’t know if this is linked to my inability to picture things, my thoughts are entirely internal monologue so idk if that might make this point void but this also affects my creative ability, i can’t create stories, or draw, anything creative? i find extremely difficult

im not sure if im now just like hyper aware of these things and over thinking them and its nothing or if there is some validity to my suspicions
i was also diagnosed with eupd in 2021 and im starting to question if im truly eupd or misdiagnosed due to undiagnosed adhd (possibly autism too???)
would this be something even worth getting checked out? i’m just trying to have a better understanding, adhd diagnosis has given me a lot of answers but it’s also raised a lot of questions 😩

Do you guys have any idea how to make highschool more okay? I am so exhausted after a schoolday. When I'm out of school, I have no motivation to do anything related to school. When there is a period with a lot of projects or tests I get more anxious and start doing compulsions. Any advice helps. It can be small stuff, like just little things in your daily routine.

I do like school for the structure, laughs and the interesting stuff. So it's not all bad!

Anyone else relate to this trait? Is this due to autism or am I just a huge outlier?

As an autist with adhd I don’t game, never really watched anime, (I was super obsessed with cartoons and power scaling stuff so I’m familiar with the characters + names. I just never watched it regularly aside from 1 or 2 episodes or because I wanted to power scale them), didn’t collect pokemon cards as a kid, etc. I never had a console & never played Fortnite.

Now don’t get me wrong I had the most loving parents growing up. I always had whatever I wanted, I traveled many places, spent a lot of time with them and accomplished a lot of stuff. My parents had more than enough financially as well to buy me whatever games. I simply never asked for a console growing up nor any genuine video game to buy til maybe I was like 14 or 15. The only exception being mobile games, yes there was absolutely mobile games I was very obsessed with it. There was other pc games like the io games I really liked being into much so much so I had ragequit when I lost in those games. In fact I even had a VR headset in which I barely used since I needed already bought pc games to utilize it. So it was primarily just using Google Maps with it.

So yes I did play mobile + pc games a lot growing up but never was a real gamer per se. I never actually gamed on stream aside from a handful of times. I never asked for a console, I had a small little portable game device where I played a Batman v joker game as a kid. But I never played Fortnite (don’t think I met any guy my age who’s never played) and didn’t get a switch til 14/15. I loved playing super smash bros prior to getting a switch, I used to play it in public or when we had free time in class. I just never asked my parents for the game by that age & I also did watch all the classic gaming YouTubers. However I never cared to ask my parents to spend money buying those video games online I saw them love playing. I did ask them to buy some cheap things for 1 or 2 mobile games I really loved playing as a kid though albeit.

As for Pokemon cards, that was something I was aware of from a young age noticing at summer camp how every other guy had a collection of cards but I didn’t. A lot of the time many other kids showed me their huge collections of cards explaining them. Now I personally stopped Pokemon by the age of 4 years old I believe but I think that was mostly because of 2 years without cable (so I was super obsessed with PBS kids). However instead of playing Pokemon cards I would instead venture out catching insects. I was obsessed with catching insects and putting hundreds in a box then releasing them after. I would just catch monarch butterflies sometimes at my house and bring them home. So instead of super into Pokemon like other kids I was super into bugs & critters

TLDR: I never got into video games to a level where I’d be a gamer. I was only into mobile & non steam standard flash, TV network or .io pc games growing up. Never was truly into anime but i was very obsessed + binge watched regular western cartoons growing up. On top of that i did find interest in power scaling so knew a good amount of anime characters through that. Plus never really collected pokemon i preferred collecting bugs & critters instead. Surprisingly this seems to be a very rare experience and most guys at least nowadays don’t seem to relate to this growing up.

Edit: Should have mentioned, I'm late-diagnosed ADHD and late self-diagnosed autistic, coming out of a massive multi-year burnout, and onboard the 'who tf actually am I and how do I make my life easier' exploration train

Does anyone else recognise they are actively masking in the moment, but physically can't stop? Almost like an out of body experience? If so, any advice?

I've noticed myself doing this a lot recently. I will go into a conversation with intentions, e.g., how to explain myself in a doctor's appointment or work meeting, or therapy session, how to handle myself in a social situation, and then I will just do the absolute opposite of what I said and mask whilst 'watching' it and internally telling myself to stop?

Sometimes I notice masking on reflection, or even immediately after the situation ended; but this 'noticing in the moment' thing is so disconcerting

Example:

• Situation: Doctor's appointment
• Intention ahead of time: Don't play down symptoms; if dismissed, reiterate symptoms and their gravity; don't smile the whole time and use positive body language as your 'i'm a good person' shield as it just makes the doc think you're okay despite the words you are using
• Reality: I smile and present myself as being fine; I don't emphasise the pain enough; I say 'okay' when dismissed... all while 'watching' the situation like 'girl, wtf are you doing'

It's so weird, like it feels I am doing these things against my will in the moment. I am sure there are 10000 more instances when I don't even notice I'm masking and I act like this. But it is really disconcerting when I have these almost out of body experiences of watching myself do things I don't want to do, like someone else is pulling the strings!

Should I maybe see this as an improvement? Starting to notice my needs, even if I can't yet action them? I guess it's better than not noticing at all, lol

I have learned to generally never ask for any clarification because of that. My dad recently started to frame me as 'unreliable, unwilling and unthankful' behind my back. For context: I'm chronically ill and housebound and were looking for a new doctor right now, one who specializes in my illness. We all try different ways and sometimes we just chat up on what we've been doing. So it's kind of a first for me that I'm putting my, let's call it 'medical destiny' into other people's hands. Obviously that comes with a lot of questions. Why should I call that place, what did they tell you on the phone? How did you find them? Etc.

I swear I've tried 1000 different approaches to not upset people when asking these questions and it just doesn't seem to work. I have a question and am immediately framed as manipulative and unthankful. And I'm not asking in an unkind way as well. Always trying to deescalate before things escalate to begin with.

And their reaction always makes me wonder: don't that want answers before they do something? Like, if somebody tells them to call somewhere, don't they want to know who they're calling and why they're calling them?

And then everyone always says I'm wasting their time, not realizing that yelling at me takes 10 times longer than just answering the question. And then I'm called dumb and that I lack empathy.... how do I lack empathy? Cause I ask questions? Omfg.

Is there anyone who knows how to handle this? I'm kind of losing my mind.

I'm a 41/m who has just been diagnosed as Level 1 autism and ADHD, not sure what type.

The only thing I've done recently is to become a bit down and realize the injustice, for lack of a better term, regarding my upbringing, socializing, and education. Professors not understanding why I'm so rigid, according to them, or that I needed more time to really understand the subject matter that non-NDV individuals didn't struggle with as much.
I feel like I have been left behind, albeit it has given me the time to learn and socialize in ways that are more comfortable for me. I'm talking with my therapist about it and I'm also looking for resources on occasion and trying not to read about it constantly.

I thought the diagnosis would bring change that was clarifying in a happy way. While it was clarifying, it was saddening, such as with dad not understanding my behavior, which is a long story I won't talk about here, to the opportunities I feel that I have lost due to not being understood.

In times when you first learned of your diagnoses, what did you do? What helped you? What didn't help you?

Anyway, thanks for reading.

For the last few months, I’ve struggled a lot with waking up. my body decides to stop sleeping between 9 and 11 am, but instead of being able to wake up all the way, I spend about 2 hours not asleep and not really awake. I’ve learned to not try to do anything during this period. (no texts, no calls, no driving or big decisions)

I keep hoping that if I get more sleep this will stop, but even with sleep meds, I don’t usually get more than 7-8 hours each night.

Is This common for our people or is it just me?

Hello, everyone!

I’m a 41F diagnosed with ADHD who has recently become aware that I am most likely autistic as well.

Dating hasn’t been great, and I was out of that scene for a long time while in a relationship that wasn’t good for me. Over the last year I have started dating again.

Due to the fact that I have had difficulty finding the connections that I am looking for, would it be more helpful if I was attempting to find a neurodivergent partner?

I have mixed thoughts on this. I think it might be easier to have a better connection, but I have noticed that our society often places additional executive functioning tasks on women within relationships, which can be exhausting. I already have a deficit in those, would I need to do executive functioning for 2 if in a relationship with a man who has ADHD, autism, or both? Or does this tend to balance out in a relationship?

At the moment I have just been dating and searching for the right vibes whether neurodivergent or not.

What are your thoughts/experiences?

do any other autistic people get like burnt out from new information on your special interests?

two HUGE special interests of mine are movies and music. i love to discover new music and watch new movies but sometimes i feel like my brain gets overloaded. in result i tend to not watch anything new and repeat my favorites over and over. i also have adhd so maybe this is an audhd thing like the difference between special interest and hyperfixation? i cant really tell