r/AskWomenOver30 • u/dothisdangthing Woman 30 to 40 • 17h ago
Romance/Relationships Advice dealing with different partner communication styles?
Hi all,
Seeking some advice here. I (35F) have been seeing this guy (38M) for a few months. It's been great, honestly, for the most part. He's kind, thoughtful, and caring, and I genuinely believe he wants to be a good partner. However, there's been one consistent point of conflict for us, and I'm trying to figure out whether this is a compatibility issue or something we can work through.
The issue:
He is not great at managing his schedule and/or communicating when plans change. Several times now, he's changed things up last minute, or said he would do something (e.g., call me) and then dropped the ball without letting me know.
To be fair, this usually happens when there's a disruption to our normal routine, like when one of us is traveling, family is visiting, or we aren't spending as much time together in person. In our day-to-day lives, this generally isn't a problem. We have a pretty established routine where we check in with each other in the afternoon and figure out our evening plans.
But when that routine gets disrupted, communication seems to fall apart. And while I don't expect him to prioritize me over everything else, I do expect him to proactively communicate when something changes.
Where we disagree:
I'll fully admit my part in this: for some reason, this behavior REALLY gets under my skin. I feel incredibly underappreciated and disrespected when it happens. So this almost always escalates into an argument, and our respective perspectives are roughly:
Me: "I don't understand why you wouldn't just text or call me. It takes five seconds to keep me updated, and it makes me feel like you don't respect my time or care about the plans we made."
Him: "I usually do communicate with you, so it's really upsetting that when I occasionally drop the ball, you immediately assume the worst about me instead of giving me some grace and asking if something unexpected came up. It feels like all the times I get it right don't count."
And I can see his perspective. He's not wrong that he generally does make an effort, and I recognize that my reaction can be disproportionate to the individual incident. I also recognize that someone forgetting to text doesn't automatically mean they don't care about their partner.
But from my perspective, it leaves me feeling like I'm having to remind my partner to be considerate of my time, which is exhausting.
Has anyone navigated a similar dynamic successfully, where one partner values proactive communication much more strongly than the other, who is more of a flexible "go with the flow" person?
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u/MsAndrie Woman 40 to 50 17h ago edited 17h ago
He doesn't follow through on his commitments. I do believe that "if he wanted to, he would" almost always holds true. I think this is the case here. This would be a deal-breaker for me, but for some reason, you seem to want to stick with it. I would not want a partner who cannot be consistent, fails to communicate, cannot manage themselves like a grown adult. In my experience, you end up feeling like a mommy or a manager with these types, unless maybe you are also someone who likes this "go with the flow" style. I am not, as I am a busy person who values her time dearly, which is why I value good time management in myself and my partner. My current partner is very considerate and consistent, so I don't view that kind of thing as something "normal" that we have to put up with.
I also question what you say about your "routine." You two have only been dating a few months, you seem to be trying to compartmentalize and downplay what is bothering you. Yet you don't want to believe the bad is part of his routine? This is who is and you should believe him, and it only gets worse -- again speaking from experience. Instead of addressing the issue that you raise about his lack of consistency and follow-through, he turns it around and demands "credit" for times he supposedly got it "right." That doesn't make sense and is deflecting, not showing accountability. So, even if you want to believe this is something you can overcome, he isn't trying to address whatever his time management and communication issues, he just expects you to put up with it. I would not, but it is up to you.
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u/RuthlessBenedict Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
I’m not going to be as harsh as some around this dude because I feel for him. I am very overextended on several fronts and have ADHD I am trying to get a handle on- disruptions to routines are expectantly challenging for me and can mean I miss a communication. I can relate to his lapses deeply, but with your annoyance as well since my partner is in the same boat as I am re: lapses. I have regular experience with both sides of this coin. If I were you I would simply consider these occasional annoyances the cost of entry for dating an otherwise good partner. Only you can decide that price is too high. In my opinion yes, you are making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be and you are aware of that. My advice would be to work on meeting this person with some compromise on both sides as neither of you are acting malicious or frankly all that bad.
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u/dothisdangthing Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
Can I ask if you've found a good solution for it?
The way I see it, just expecting that "we will work on it and it will get better" is unrealistic as, like you've said, this is something that is just who we are and it's not borne out of malice on either side. Obviously we'll both make an effort and it's no excuse but it's also who we are...
I think people are thinking (and maybe I didn't make it clear) that while this does happen repeatedly, we're talking like once every month, two months. Most of the time we communicate well, and it's not like he is just constantly failing at this or not trying. But it is annoying when it does happen, and I want to not have it become like a drawn out fight every time
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u/MountainRhubarb Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
I am also in a dual-ADHD relationship where we both have very demanding careers - and add in the fact that I travel for work weekly.
If you've been seeing each other "for a few months" and this is only happening monthly (or less)... this is something that's only happened a few times, right?
It also sounds like it's him saying, "I'll call you tonight" and then something out of the ordinary happens and he doesn't call when he said he would. He's not standing you up at a restaurant or you're showing up at his house for a planned visit and he's just not home, right?
If both of those assumptions are true, two things come to mind:
You need to explore why you're having these really big emotions individually
In a calm moment (distanced from the last time it happened), work with him to come up with a script.
Example: "When you [don't call when you say you will], I feel disrespected and minimized. I know things come up unexpectedly in life, your intentions are good, and you get caught up in things. It's important to me that you take ownership of not holding up our plans. If you miss a call, I'd like you to first acknowledge that you missed it and apologize, then you can tell me about what happened.
For example, if I call and say 'hey, I was waiting on your call earlier - is everything okay?' You would respond with 'I am so sorry! I dropped the ball and that's not fair to you and your time. Do you have time to talk now? I'd [love to hear about your day.]'"
While his intentions are not malicious, the impact is shitty and that's his to own. To jump to anxiety and overreaction is yours to own.
To summarize, if it really is as rare as you're saying, I think there is room to improve and compromise for BOTH of you. Demanding perfect communication and never messing up is just as unrealist as expecting unlimited forgiveness.
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u/dothisdangthing Woman 30 to 40 14h ago
You are correct. He's never stood me up, or missed anything big. It is exactly what you said. Which is why I also recognize that I need to work on it too. Thank you for this. I will work on it.
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u/MountainRhubarb Woman 30 to 40 14h ago
I also totally own the fact that I struggle to hear ANYTHING that comes before "I'm sorry."
I grew up in a household where apologies were a one way street, so it wasn't something I ever really heard as a kid. That's my shit to own, but my husband also recognizes that it really isn't that hard to start with "I'm sorry" when I'm hurt before launching in to explaining why things happened the way they did.
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u/dothisdangthing Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Thanks, yeah. I think there's kind of this cycle of he becomes less available when the routine changes suddenly > I feel neglected and become more demanding > he feels like he's getting more shit instead of more help
To be clear like you said he still needs to own his part of the communication but I also just need to maybe be a bit more patient, which is not a strong suit of mine. I think it also triggers some sort of abandonment wound in me if Im being honest
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u/Lizzy043 Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Does he have ADHD? My brother is like this. I love him a lot but not waiting for him another minute in my life.
I think this is the way he is, he can probably become a little better at it, but probably keep on dropping the ball every now and then. If it is a dealbreaker for you, I think there is your answer.
Good luck, it sucks if so many things are right but a few are an absolute non-match.
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u/dothisdangthing Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
He does. Yeah, I think you're right unfortunately it's not a "thing" to solve, it's just something i have to decide if i'm ok with
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u/chin06 Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Honestly, communication and compatability in that area is so crucial to me. My husband and I had to work through that when we would argue because he was the type to go silent and detach and I was clingy and wanted things resolve ASAP. It's hard for people to change but my husband and I were intent on working through it because we both wanted to be together and we knew it was a stumbling block. So I had to learn to give space and he learned that he can't have unlimited space and time away, we had to talk and resolve shortly after.
Set your foot down and say, this is something that is extremely important to me, I can give you grace but I cannot imagine a future with someone who doesn't meet or doesn't even try to meet this expectation. If there is no improvement, then yeah, it's not worth another fight over.
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u/thighclops3820 Woman 30 to 40 13h ago
Red flag, he's inconsiderate of your time, he won't change at that age they rarely do. So it's up to you if you stay but if you do don't complain about it
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u/eat_sleep_microbe Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
I mean you’ve nailed the issue. He’s just not considerate of your time. How hard is it to update someone if plans change last minute? If it’s only a few months, I’d consider this an incompatibility and drop the dude.
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u/21ratsinatrenchcoat Woman under 30 16h ago
You said it yourself in the last paragraph. You have different values.
You've explained the issue to him and why it matters to you. He has effectively told you it's not going to change. It's up to you to decide if you can accept that in a partner. You're dating the person he is, not the person you think he could be.
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u/anapforme Woman 50 to 60 15h ago
Why is he considered “go with the flow?”
He’s not “go with the flow” - it’s what he’s expecting you to do when he doesn’t communicate.
Imagine him saying to you that it’s not a matter of him not letting you know, but that maybe you should give him grace and ask every day if something has come up? What is that?!
Maybe write everything down about how it makes you feel and what you would like to see change. Ask him his thoughts and figure out together what a fair solution looks like.
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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
Yeah surely going with the flow would be turning up to existing plans without ceremony, not creating drama by canceling at the last minute
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u/BillieDoc-Holiday Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
He is inconsiderate. Doesn't see it as a problem. Dismissive of you about it. Isn't concerned about how it affects you. Turns the situation on you, and pulls a "woe is poor little me" when you want to discuss the issue, then puts the onus on you to ask. What is there to navigate. His reaction indicates he doesn't plan on comprising, let alone working on the issue at all. This is who he is.
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u/trebleformyclef Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Well he is consistent, consistent in "occasionally" dropping the ball.
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u/Shot-Specific2092 Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
So the issue isn't just him, it's that you are trying to find a way to make it salvageable when you know it's not.
It's not salvageable.
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u/Temporary-Stand2049 Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
This isn't a communication issue, this is him being inconsiderate.
Him deflecting and not apologizing for his lack of communication just shows he's not the right guy for you. He's not going to change and if you continue dating him, you're just going to have the same problems over and over again.
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u/onegirlandhergoat Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
I have been this person in a relationship before and I disagree when others say he is being deliberately inconsiderate. I guess it could be, but that's jumping to conclusions. It happened to me when I was dating someone with complete opposite communication style to me. When he asked me to change how I texted, I felt like he was asking me to make a complete transformation to a way that felt completely unnatural and over the top, in my opinion. But I was willing to try because the relationship was otherwise going well. So I really did try and it improved a lot but it wasn't perfect, it wasn't completely what he wanted from me and yes, occasionally I did forget. And the times I did forget, he would blow up at me and I felt like he failed to recognise all the times I DID make an effort. You can't ask someone to behave the complete opposite of what they're used to and expect them to get it right first time. Anyway, it didn't work, he took these small failures as "evidence" that I didn't love him and we broke up, not completely because of that issue but it was a big part of it, ngl.
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u/TruthieBeast Woman 40 to 50 10h ago
It feels as if he is gaslighting you the way he is responding. He is not letting you be upset at things. That's not ok.
I started dating someone who is a surgeon. His schedule is crazy and he says he can't really plan ahead very much, he's also a divorced dad of 3. I am starting to lose interest bcs he is just not available and ofc he's doing surgeries around the clock. The big question is, are they maybe treating us as if THEIR time is more important... and at what point does that lack of care becomes disrespect? In my case I don't have kids so I am really wondering do I want to become priority #4 to someone? Everything is relative so you have to weigh in the other aspects of the relationship. Let it play out for a bit longer maybe, if you are not sure.
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u/fortunatelyso Woman 30 to 40 8h ago
Lol he is full of it. I bet you've been dating less than 6 months and he is gaslighting the fuck out of you.
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u/BackgroundSquare6179 Woman 30 to 40 8h ago edited 8h ago
My ex pulled that "well what about all the good things I did for you" bs. One time I told him "Yes, and I appreciate those things, but we're talking about this thing, and it's really important to me." And he stormed off. It made me mad because whenever he did nice things for me, I'd go out of my way to tell him I appreciated him. I knew it wasn't just a case of me being thoughtless.
He may feel like he truely doesn't get credit for his good qualities, only you and him know that. He may not take criticism well, but thats something he'll need to recognize and want to change. Calmly tell him how its important to you and see how he reacts. He'll either realize what he's doing and have a mature conversation with you, or double down and you'll know where he stands.
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u/GoddessofBeautie Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
Dating is an exclusionary process. Communication is important to you, you have a VERY LOW BAR regarding your expectations here and he is consistently choosing not to meet it. His defensiveness, entitlement to your benefit of the doubt and inability to repair your hurt are very telling. You are not compartible, you move on.
You don't need an explosive event to end a dating experience. You don't need to explain it to him or await his agreement, to end a dating experience. Do not confuse loneliness for a need to settle. Move on.