Was I mean to ghost a potential new friend?

[u/Raise_the_roofs]

I moved to a new city last year and tried making friends through Bumble BFF. I matched with one girl who suggested we'd go to a feminist meet-up together as a first in-person meeting.

The event was great, afterwards we went for coffee together. I very quickly felt like she wasn't really interested in getting to know me. She barely asked me any questions about myself and instead talked a lot about her abstract goals and random philosophies - which is interesting, but I want to get to know you as a person, and I want to feel like you're curious about me too! Whenever I interrupted her monologue to offer some information about myself, she reacted with unsolicited advice, which I found offputting.

I knew I wouldn't want to hang out again, but still said yes when she asked to follow each other on Instagram (I didn't know how to decline in the moment). A few days later, I got a bunch of notifications. She had liked every single one of my posts and even left a bunch of comments, with one of them sounding like we had an inside joke, that I didn't even really understand. This behaviour felt off to me. I found it weird that she was so uninterested about me in person but then came on so strong in Instagram.

We saw each other again at one of the feminists' events where she repeatedly sought out conversation with me, to the extent that she asked the person next to me to swap seats with her so she could sit next to me, which bothered me because I actually enjoyed talking to that person. She then asked me about my most recent Instagram post: Me at a concert. I shared that I was a huge fan of this artist and really enjoyed their last album. She hadn't listened to it, but wanted to give it a try.

A few days later she messaged me saying the album I liked was "alright", but had I listened to this other album by that artist which actually was amazing? I said no, because that wasn't my taste, and politely said that I assumed our music tastes were quite different. She made another suggestion of someone I should listen to and at this point I thought to myself, can't remember asking you for recs! I just felt like putting something down that another person liked was such a weird opener to a text conversation. Then she shared something about this picnic she was planning for the feminist group and I ended up just not replying to her music rec or the picnic text. She never reached out again.

Was I wrong to just disappear? I thought about being honest about the fact that I didn't think we were a good match, but I thought this might be awkward since we might still see each other at the feminist events. Instead I've been avoiding the feminist events because I feel awkward about ghosting her! We live in the same area so I recently saw her out and about and didn't know how to act.

As a whole I felt like she just wanted any friend, but didn't really care about who I am as a person or the friendship we might build together. That put me off. But now I feel guilty for not being upfront about how I felt. How would you have handled this?

Tldr: I matched with another woman onf Bumble BFF and quickly found us incompatible and her behaviour towards me offputting. Instead of being honest, I just ghosted, despite us living in the same area and having loosely joined a group of acquaintances together.

[u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

You barely know each other. She seemed to realize you weren't feeling it and she didn't talk to you anymore. I dont think you owed her an explanation. Not everyone needs to be friends

[u/Majestic_Yak6994]

You don’t owe anyone anything and you’re fine to do you and you’re not in the wrong for not jiving with her.

But I will say a lot of people don’t know how to act when first meeting someone face to face. Her liking all your stuff on instagram is probably because she was behind a keyboard, it’s really hard to make friends as adults and you were probably the first person she met up with off that app. We’re all clueless just rolling thru this thing called life, my co worker who’s now a friend when I first started socializing with her I pretended like I also liked her hobbies lol, after we became close I told her I was blatantly lying I just was nervous.

[u/Alternative-Bet232 → u/Majestic_Yak6994]

Yeah, I could also see a situation where after a hang, someone realizes after the fact they acted “weird” and feels self conscious, so they end up overcorrecting…

[u/Majestic_Yak6994 → u/Alternative-Bet232]

Exactly

[u/Raise_the_roofs → u/Majestic_Yak6994]

Yeah, I used to struggle socially too when I was younger so I do sympathise! I assume she was just really eager to be friends with anyone. But I still felt put off by that.

[u/Excellent-Goal4763]

You have described all of the reasons she is short of friends! She’s probably a decent person but lacks social skills. I have friends like that who can be emotionally exhausting.

Ghosting her seems a bit extreme however I don’t blame you for not wanting to be buddies.

[u/void_sushi]

Ask yourself, would a man think twice about this if he was in the same situation? We are so conditioned to put other people’s comfort before our own but it’s not healthy. Your feelings are completely valid. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.

[u/EvieGrogu_Durian → u/void_sushi]

Oomphhh well said and very true! I often find myself people pleasing and have their emotional cup filled at my expense.

[u/Nyorn-Bubz → u/void_sushi]

I always ask myself what would a man do in situations 😂 cos they defs wouldn’t feel guilty or over think their decisions. It’s helpful

[u/Raise_the_roofs → u/void_sushi]

That's such an important perspective! They truly wouldn't think twice.

[u/Ok-Pear5858]

sounds like she ghosted you as well, wouldn't be too worried.

[u/goldielox1000]

You're doing yourself a disservice by avoiding events you want to go to! Honestly you guys hardly know each other, whether it's ghost or to outright say something.. she probably won't care. I say this as someone who has met over 50+ girls on bff and tbh, there is hardly any connection between you two after one or two meets..

[u/Siavon]

I understand that ghosting feels bad, but that's actually a very normal thing to do. If you don't get along with someone you don't always need a "confrontation" some times it's fine, especially so early on. (I also keep this opinion for romantic situations)

[u/Raise_the_roofs → u/[deleted]]

The album thing was really my last straw, I was like ??? She said she wanted to listen to it unprompted, I didn't recommend it or asked her opinion, so to reach out with that message felt so odd to me. Almost like negging.

[u/That-Bar5937]

Im not gonna say her behavior was great, but you definitely were a coward by not being direct. The awkwardness you feel at the feminist events is the consequence of doing something that you know is not okay.

“Hey, you’re a really great person, but I don’t see us as particularly compatible friends. Wishing you the best, though! Take care.”

[u/Vivid_Calendar_5275 → u/That-Bar5937]

I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of the potential friend and honestly, for me personally, I'm not sure a direct message would be any less devastating than ghosting. Somehow the same is not true of dating. But being told directly, "I don't want to be friends with you" by someone I liked enough to pursue a friendship with would really rock my self esteem.

[u/That-Bar5937 → u/Vivid_Calendar_5275]

Wouldn’t you wonder what was going on? Maybe we’re just different, but a direct message would make a HUGE difference for me. If I thought someone was my friend and then they just ghosted me, but I still saw them from time to time, I would be so confused. Everyone deserves the gift of clarity.

[u/Vivid_Calendar_5275 → u/That-Bar5937]

If they were actually a friend, then sure. If it was just someone I met a couple of times, I think I'd prefer to be ghosted. I'd find that easier to bear than essentially being told, "I don't like you and don't want to talk to you", because that's what I would hear being rejected by an acquaintance.

[u/Raise_the_roofs → u/Vivid_Calendar_5275]

I appreciate both of your perspectives! I guess you never truly know what's going on inside the other person. Maybe me just disappearing made her assume I was just busy and had a lot going on, or maybe she felt unsure and hurt. Likewise, with a direct statement, she could have been grateful for the clarity, or hurt and embarassed. There really isn't one right way to do it I guess.

[u/tabby90]

It sucks to ghost anyone. But if this lady is not your cup of tea then so be it. And you didn't know how else to express that to her. So don't worry about it and just move on.

[u/Impressive_Plant_643]

One simple text would do. And then it won’t be awkward and you don’t have to avoid events you like. How old are you ?

[u/greenling17]

Normally I’d say yes, but your description of her seems pretty unhinged and like she’d lash out if you said something direct, and it seems like she got the hint so 🤷🏻‍♀️ perhaps bullet dodged and don’t dwell on it. If she ever reaches out again, then that would be the time to say something and shut it down, for sure, but I wouldn’t dwell on it now.