Alcoholic narcissist

recently ended a four-year relationship with a 59-year-old man, and I’m still trying to make sense of it. I’m 48 and have only had a handful of relationships, including a long marriage.
The first two years were incredibly passionate and affectionate. He was handsome, successful, charming, and constantly showered with attention for his looks. Women have handed him business cards that said “I know have a girlfriend but you only live once” etc … I found one from 2007 (!) that he musta saved for his ego. But gradually, he became controlling and critical of my clothing, accused me of dressing provocatively, and disliked me going out with friends. Any minor disagreement or emotional need resulted in two or three days of silent treatment. By the third year, this was happening monthly or more . He also kept track in his notes of when I went out without him and where . He consistently refused to discuss problems or take accountability, shutting down immediately for days if there was a problem .

I also realized how excessive his drinking was. He’s 6 foot seven and 260 pounds and he never seemed drunk. Ive seen him buzzed. He drinks daily, often heavily at home , including whiskey, wine, and tequila. Just a regular Monday or Tuesday night he’s drinking a ton of wine maybe a bottle and then follow it by a glass of whiskey or two or three glasses of whiskey . I’ve witnessed him driving drunk, trashed actually (stopped by his house unannounced on a weds which is when he sees his former stepson, who is also a functioning, Alcoholic, they go out for dinner and a cigar ) which he dismissed because he considers himself a risk-taker. His previous 15-year relationship was with another heavy drinker, and their social life revolved around alcohol. I would say he drinks around 40 drinks a week. His nose is red/ swollen. Red face bags under his eyes but his fan club doesn’t care. Says he’s been drinking like this for over 30 years.

He also has an enormous ego, constantly referencing his looks, money, MMA fighting, and having slept with over 100 women. He genuinely seems to believe he’s superior to other men because of these things. Says he’s “done things other men can’t do”.

I refused to have him move in or take things further, which has seriously pissed him off the last couple years .

I eventually ended things seven weeks ago. I did it face to face at his home respectfully. My only request was that he delete intimate photos and videos of me. He initially lied about deleting them, later admitted he hadn’t, and still refuses seven weeks later, instead calling me selfish and disrespectful.
I’m wondering whether this sounds like narcissistic traits, alcoholism, or both. Can years of excessive admiration, female attention, and praise contribute to narcissism? I’m struggling to understand how someone who seemed so wonderful initially could become so emotionally dismissive and cruel.

They sometimes behave nicely, then sometimes they behave rudely and say things and justifies that, then again talk nicely, then say my frustration clouded my feelings etc

Or buy them gifts? Whilst still giving them the silent treatment and being cold and cruel? If so, why?

My ex, who I am now continuing to support as a friend has had a diagnosis of a narcissistic personality structure for many years. As someone with a PD myself, and working in psychiatry I firmly believe the pervasiveness of this etc is more than just a "structure". He has recently had first consultations who say the same, that his omissions of facts, lying etc has caused this to go unnoticed.

He has a very emeshed relationship with his whole family, and a particularly disturbing one with his mother (who displays the same behaviours). He pretended I was the first one bringing this to light, it was new so he was wrestling with it. Then stating he wants to work on the issue etc. It seems he at least partially just wanted to prolonge facing accountability for the provocation (towards the end of our relationship it would be a gaslighting theme of You're sick...I just agreed with you to calm your twisted thoughts exactly etc). It turns out he's been told by multiple professionals he needs to individuate from his parents.

Same thing with his behaviours. I didn't know about the structure clinical observation until towards the end. He would flip back and forth between admitting some things, withdrawing the statements etc. Denial, flickers of insight but then it all being too painful to face etc. which would have been understandable. If it was him first exploring this.

I found a novel he finished and emailed to his friends a year before we even met. I nearly passed out. It revealed a very deep and reflective understanding of his behaviours. Through the character he even challenges them. Themes of cruelty, dominance, breaking a partner emotionally so they are so disoriented that all they can cling to is hoping he doesn't leave. The "character" in the book is cruel for the sake of it too: Purposely flying off on holiday when the partners dad dies as "revenge" for the tiniest normal thing. Some parts are directly played out in our relationship. The novel is so bold because its like hiding in plain sight to his friends. Like he's being edgy and bold exploring this character who "of course I've drawn inspiration for it, but it's not FULLY".

I'm not sure what to think. Could this really simply have been about buying more time before I ever said I would leave him?

I've known someone for a long time who on occasion freely acknowledges being selfish, reckless, conniving, boundary crossing, demeaning, pretentious, sycophantic, and hypocritical. She's even this way with her own children, who are now struggling to pick up the pieces as adults. When she articulates these things about her traits, it's as if she's congratulating herself for being so aware and able to admit it, and there is no indication whatsoever that she intends to change or thinks she should have to. Just total acceptance of herself as a person who runs roughshod over others and leaves people traumatized and worse off for having encountered her.

I'm all of the above except narcissist, except now I suspect I might be. That's the backstory of my question too. I thought all these years "Hey, no way I can be a narcissist, I really have 0 respect for myself!" But then I thought "being NPD doesn't necessarily mean incapable of feeling empathy or self loathing should it" So I'll leave it up to actual people to answer.

Narcissist never ask another person if the person think the narcissist might be narcissist.

I am worried about whether I have been diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Lies are surrounded in my whole life. I don't know why I lie to everyone including my mom and closest friends...maybe just lack of safety?

I love being the center of the world. I am the KING.

And violence can be knocked into my head, e.g., kill the dog that bit me.m

What made you feel that way? What all you did to get that former partners attention? Please let me know 🙏🏻

If I said anything offensive or mis-termed it, I apologise.

I git into a big fight with someone a few years ago because I was mentally unwell at the time. To put ot very short, I made a lot of selfish comments and insults because she made a post that was generally rude. It's been a few years and ive had a hard time moving on from the situation. She started going off and making a bunch of posts how im a narcissist.

She also claims I never took accountability for my actions and says I acted like the victim in the situation, which is far from true. Ive taken accountability for my actions many many times. If ive acted like a victim to any degree, it was me admitting my mental health was shit. If I was a victim to anything, it was needing mental help. It doesn't forgive my actions to any degree and ive told her that.

Forward to now, her husband is close with my fiancees family, to the point my MIL sees him as a son. A few months ago she told us my old friend and him were expecting a baby. I told her congrats because im genuinelyhappy and excited for her, she's wanted that for a long time. We had a short conversation that went well and at the end I told her to hit me up if she ever wants to catch up, and she ignored me.

Ever since, she's constantly posting a bunch of quotes and videos of people talking about narcissists and acting like a victim in a situation you created. Things along those lines and im pretty sure its about me.

Am I a narcissist? Is it narcissistic to think these posts are about me? Or did I handle the situation to the best of my ability and she just wants to dangle that over my head, and I have a reason to think these posts were about me.

She wasn't posting things like that before our recent conversation to mg knowledge.

And my MIL considers her husband like an adopted son, and treats him like it. I cannit just cut them out of my life, thats why its been so hard to let go (MIL won't let me. Tries to tell me we need to figure it out)

My current diagnosis is CPTSD and BPD.

I dated an older covert narcissist (or ASPD) his Mom is a diagnosed Narcissist so im sure he has a cluster b.

I genuinely loved him or the mask he made just for me but it was incredibly confusing. 8 years of a on/off swinging at extremes each time. I got trauma bonded pretty badly and kept chasing after him even to be friends. Whatever he wanted but i didnt want to be enemies. After a few weeks of giving him space I would call and he would return to our relationship and then 6 months yo a year do the same thing. Blow up over small things and block my number. I finally gave up and let go. A full year of silence so he could find whatever made him happy. But i made the mistake of calling to be friends after a full year and he came right back only to rage and block me after a short 4 week reunion.

My question is where is the new replacement supply? If im so bad why pretend to want to work things out. Its insane and confusing. He denies there's anyone else and honestly he is not conventionally attractive nor successful and lives in his mom's back yard mini house rent free. Is there no replacement?

Thanks in advance for people with NPD would answer this post. I've recently discovered that my boyfriend has NPD. I very much am in love with him, so I've been reading everything I can to learn about it. I want to grow and adapt to be a better partner to him.

First off, I don't see NPD as being negative, as many of the traits he has when he's feeling good are what I really need and want in a partner.

• Talking a lot about himself and what he's interested in – I love this. I'm shy/quiet and don't like attention. I prefer to listen and support rather than talk about myself. This quality in him takes all the pressure off me. I can relax and just focus on him.
• Confident/Forward/Brave – I'm the opposite of these things, and I really admire those qualities in him.
• Smart and self-focused – I think this is a good quality in a partner because it means he will always prioritize our security and well being over other people, and steer us toward a secure future.
• Makes quick decisions – I tend to overthink things. I love how he can just tell me his hot take and we do that.
• Adventurous/Not afraid to try new things – I love adventure and travel and feel so grounded when I'm with him, so I love this. I have had so many new experiences being with him.
• Cares about image – I also care about this, so we are 100% aligned in that we prioritize exercise, eating healthy, and keeping our living spaces clean and tidy.

What gets us into trouble are these things:

1. When he is triggered (usually by perceived rejection)
2. When I need reassurance in our relationship
3. When I need him to understand when he's hurt me

What I'd like to know are insights into any of the following...

For those with NPD in current/past relationships:

• What did your partner do that worked for you during challenging conversations?
• What does love feel like to you?
• Did you ever learn techniques for understanding the emotions of people you cared about?
• What made you choose a partner and stay with him/her?

TLDR: In love with someone with NPD. Please teach me how to understand and support him better. Thanks!

people are crazy and hierarchical and they dont even notice it? they don't notice the insane mindsets people have and they genuinely hate on narcissists? maybe narcissists just play the game best? What do you think?

There are people in primary school, middle school, hight school, university, work places, the whole world people are out there making hierarchies, judging others, what you think is cultural difference is even mindset differences. People who are themselves get bullied because they don't conform. People would endure abuse to get benefits of the abusers then cry about it when the abuser is emptied of his status and money.

I mean, am I the only one able to see it?

also,

humans are naturally evil?

1. Bullying happens everywhere. Social exclusion, ostracization, mocking, racist, discrimination etc
2. Even children do it, if they see someone different or weak they will bully by instinct because they make groups and need social hierarchies.
3. People are selfish and aggressive and mostly will do anything to get what they want
4. They also lack intelligence to see pas their own perspective
5. They project onto you and think you are the aggressor
6. They envy jealousy competitive desperate insecure
7. People need laws police judges system in general else they will not be stopped when they commit crimes
8. people will defend their tribe and group even if only against a classmate who doesn't belong they will defend their group even if they are wrong. They will never admit to being wrong too
9. If you try to defend yourself and you are loner in a group of people who decided to hate you even more bystanders and enablers will end up bullying you

So, if I believe humans are all by nature evil and predatory and the only people who are good are those who control it by being disciplined and strong willed and intelligent because they are so introspected then am I the A? If I want to protect myself by diving humans into categories:

Horses to use and Ally with, rats to use and crash, cockroaches to ignore, hyenas to destroy and babies her family to love protect and advance and myself a weapon to use to get what I want in life? am I NPD?

I’ve been in therapy for around 5–6 years and have always struggled with boundaries, people-pleasing and abandonment issues. I’ve also been diagnosed/identified as having ADHD/neurodivergence. More recently, I’ve received different opinions from mental health professionals about BPD vs bipolar disorder, so I’m still trying to understand myself.
I got into a situationship with my current partner before I had completely ended my previous relationship. Looking back, I know I wasn’t emotionally ready for another relationship and needed space, but I was also very poor at setting and enforcing boundaries.
Eventually, we became a relationship. Around that time, my dog became seriously ill and eventually died. I was extremely depressed and grieving, and I felt that my partner didn’t understand what I was going through.
There were also situations where I said **no to sex and felt that my no wasn’t respected**. He has gone through my phone, and I have also gone through his phone, so the privacy/trust issues have existed on both sides.
There were many conflicts where I felt he was controlling, dismissive or emotionally unhealthy. I would also become reactive, shout, say hurtful things and struggle to regulate myself. I don’t want to portray myself as completely innocent.
My therapist has told me that the relationship is abusive and has described him as a narcissist. I have tried ending the relationship multiple times, but because of my abandonment issues, I often go back, or he comes back and we reconcile. It’s become a cycle.
**This is where I’m particularly confused.**
How much can a therapist actually know about whether someone’s partner is “toxic,” abusive or narcissistic when they’ve never met that person and are only hearing one side of the relationship?
I’m not saying my therapist is wrong. Some of the things I’ve described to her genuinely concern me, especially the situations involving my boundaries and sex. But I also wonder whether my own perception can be distorted by my emotional state, attachment issues, BPD traits, etc.
Recently, after I became much more firm about my boundaries and stopped tolerating certain behaviors, things between us actually improved. For the past few weeks, he seems to be listening more and the relationship feels much calmer.
He also has qualities I genuinely like. He is vegan like me, cares deeply about animals, and takes very good care of dogs. So it’s difficult for me to reconcile the person my therapist describes with the person I also experience.
I recently saw a psychiatrist because I wanted to understand what was happening with me and consider medication, especially because I’ve struggled with self-harm. The psychiatrist thought I was on the bipolar spectrum. I didn’t start the medication. Later, another clinical psychologist thought I had BPD.
Learning about BPD changed my perspective on the relationship because I started realizing that **I also contribute to unhealthy dynamics**. I can become reactive, shout, say things impulsively, become afraid of abandonment and behave in ways that aren’t healthy.
That made me question everything.
Am I now overcorrecting and taking responsibility for things that aren’t actually my responsibility?
Or was my therapist perhaps seeing something I couldn’t see because I was emotionally involved?
We’re also now at the age where both families are pressuring us about marriage.
And honestly, **I don’t feel ready to marry him.**
We’ve been unhappy for almost a year, and things have only been better for a few weeks. I don’t know whether a few good weeks are enough to conclude that the relationship has fundamentally changed.
So I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have experience with therapy, BPD/attachment issues, abusive relationships, or narcissistic partners.
**My main questions are:**
How reliable is it when a therapist tells you that your partner is toxic, abusive or narcissistic when they have never met the partner?
Can therapists accidentally reinforce a client’s perception of their partner because they’re only hearing one side?
Conversely, can a therapist recognize abuse that the person in the relationship is unable to see?
How do you distinguish between a genuinely abusive relationship and two emotionally dysregulated people who are triggering each other?
If someone has BPD/abandonment issues, how can they tell whether they’re staying because of fear of abandonment versus leaving because the relationship genuinely isn’t healthy?
Can a relationship with a history of serious problems actually become healthy if both people change?
Would you consider marriage when things have only been good for a few weeks after a long period of dysfunction?
I’m genuinely looking for **nuanced opinions rather than “your therapist is always right” or “your therapist only heard your side.”**
I also don’t want my diagnosis to become an excuse for my behavior, but I don’t want it to make me dismiss things that happened to me either.
What do you think?

Hi! I have many questions about what NPD is like. This is my first...although, I realize now, that it's actually several questions. My apologies. I'm trying to gain a better understanding of what a loved one experiences.

What does it feel like when you're forced to face reality? Does the feeling change depending on how serious the situation is?

Did you handle it differently before knowing you were a person w/ NPD?

How do you behave towards others when you feel cornered like that?

Does your internal or external reaction differ depending on who is making the point to you?

I tried to leave it ambiguous, but I guess what I mean by 'forced to face reality', is more like, when someone points out specific behaviors or traits? Say you either knowingly or unknowingly treated someone poorly, and it was brought to your attention, for example.

Also, maybe I used the term in my title incorrectly, so let me also ask, what does exposure mean to you personally?

Thank you for your time and help.

I have a strong feeling that my former long-term friend was diagnosed with NPD because she has undeniable traits that I've observed over a period of decades. I know many of her close family members well, and they have the same belief. She has only ever said she's borderline, and even that she'll only throw into the middle of a rant, as if she wants to admit to having it but can't bring herself to say it in a way that would invite questions or a conversation about it.

like how does it develop amongst parents and peers in the first place.

don't they realise it and cant they control there behaviours.

I’m asking to understand your perspective and what’s going on with my ex.

He was at first the kindest person I’d ever met and then turned cruel and callous and has on several occasions insulted me using my deepest vulnerabilities and would continue after I was crying and begging him to stop. It was like he fed off of the power he had over me and liked seeing me upset.

He is also financially abusing me by withholding money from our shared living admin / responsibilities as I’m trying to close out this tenancy.

He’s also done things on social media to suggest he’d been cheating or is seeing someone new, knowing I am watching (and I’m 99% sure he definitely didn’t cheat or I would have been impressed).

Did he have any feelings or love or care for me at all? What happens in your heads when you are cruel to your partners, do you feel shame afterward?

Why is he doing this?

I’m not trying to be pointed and curt, I am genuinely trying to understand what is going on in his heart and mind.

Hello pwNPD, thanks for being available for these questions. I don't have NPD but several of my relatives seem to, so I'm asking this question to try to understand their lives/their perspective.

From what I've read about NPD, at some point in childhood the "false self" that is presented to the world becomes the main identity (rather than a brief adaptation or situation-specific adaptation), because the person considers their "true self" unacceptable on account of its vulnerability.

Do you remember what this take-over was like? For example: was it a gradual take-over over years with the balance gradually shifting, or was it a binary and immediate take-over like an on/off switch that didn't switch back?

I believe my father has covert NPD and sometimes I get intuitive flashes of the sweet and gentle child he might have been when he was young, before he rejected his vulnerability, and I feel compassion and grief. But I don't know if those flashes of intuition/mental images are just my fantasy or projection.

I also believe my older brother also has covert NPD and so I have direct experience of him as a child - and he was never sweet! And with him I get no flashes of mental images of the vulnerable child he might have been (although of course I still feel compassion for him).

Thanks very much

Hello everyone.

First of all, thank you for this community to freely ask questions.

So, me and my brother grew up in an emotional abusive household with a codependent mom and a father who's high in narcissistic traits (though never diagnosed).

Since there is a very large age gap between me and my older brother, and he moved out as soon as he was 18, we never really gotten a solid brother-sister relationship, even though we got along fine. It was only when a decade ago or so things about narsissism started to become a hot media topic, we simultaniously started to read up on the subject and started our own healing journey with a psychologist. We found out about each other we were doing the work and started talking a lot about it, as there obviously was no one who could understand our story better. I felt like we were getting much closer (though we wouldn't hang out all the time, just occasionally, but he would send me articles and book tips etc).

Fast forward to a few years later, I become a mom. Ever since then, he's bombarding my inbox with long mails of how he never told me but he knows for sure I am a narcissist. Not even blaming me, because I learned/got it from our dad. But that he needs to speak up because I am emotionally abusing my child and he can't let the kid suffer.

I was completely baffled by this. And I am the first to admit that I have to work on some things. I'm sure there's many flaws and mental instabilities I have, having suffered depression etc. But for the life of me, I can not fathom the idea how he can think I'm a narcissist.

So I kept telling him this, admitting to my flaws, showing self reflection but stating I am not a person with lots of narcissistic traits. He got more and more angry with me, telling me I find joy in seeing my child suffer and that I was even worse then my dad because he, at least, was completely unaware of his own emotional state. Again, I stated that I probably wasn't the most stable mom, but that I loved my child very much and that I was trying my very best to make her feel loved and happy. When he kept going on and on, I eventually told him I wanted to break off contact, cause it was taking it's toll on me.

I didn't hear from him for a while, untill suddenly he let me know he filed a complaint with child protection and he was not going to sit and watch my child to be emotionally abused.

I'm honestly at my wits end. I seriously don't know where he gets all these ideas. And now, looking back, I'm starting to wonder if maybe HE is a narcissist? He's always been much more self assured then me and is a person who snaps/yells more often (for instance to his girlfriends or in traffic). And I somehow feel like I'm in this surreal reversed reality or something...

So any thoughts or personal experiences with something like this, are highly appreciated.

Thank you very much.

EDIT:

As some of you pointed out, rightfully so, that neither me nor my brother can diagnose each other with narcissism, I want to emphasize that I'm fully aware of that. Maybe my question for this post wasn't as clear as I intended it, I apologise.

What I was genuinly wondering is wether it is common for people with narcissism (especially if they don't know they have it) to believe other people are narcissists, even if they are not? And if so, why?

Hi, I am trying to understand NPD as I hope it will let me better understand my relatives.

So far I came to conclusion that NPD is basically a vulnerable ego. And the goal of a person with NPD is expansion of their ego in attempt to protect it. And if ego cannot be expanded anymore the goal is devaluation and diminshing of egos of surrounding people. So the difference of ego size is what matters.

Is my understanding correct, is there more root causes of the problem? Is understanding this and stopping protecting ego, making it strong enough heal the trauma? Since if ego is no longer vulnerable all the destructive behavior stop making sense.

Hello,

So I've been formally diagnosed with ADHD and ASD (high-functioning), but over time, some people have called out my behaviors for being narcissistic or selfish. I never thought I was a narcissist because I don't try to manipulate people, but after reading more about it, I think I at least have some narcissistic traits.

I used to always compare people to me and would essentially rank them as above or below me in value based on success, looks, or social status. I deliberately sought out to befriend people of higher status to make myself feel better, but I never tried to manipulate them. I would hang out with some people who, in my brain at the time, were of equal or lower status than me too if I liked their company or connected with them.

However, I didn't care that much about them, just essentially what they could provide me with. I still treated them well and never wanted to harm them, but sometimes I felt jealous or envious. This was also the same with dating; I basically just wanted the sex and validation and didn't really care that much about the women.

One reason I didn't consider narcissism is that I never tried to control the women I dated. If anything, I was on the opposite end, and once I had supply didn't give a flying fuck what they did. I never went out of my way to make them feel special, but I also wasn't mean or anything.

Over time, I realized that these thoughts were harmful, so I have worked on changing them. For example, I now try not to 'rank' people and instead think everyone is a subject with interesting and unique attributes rather than an object with value. It has definitely helped, and I find myself more social now although I'm still an introvert.

I also was preoccupied with my appearance in an unhealthy way. Not because I wanted to be 'better' than people, but just because I had a very negative inner voice and always felt unattractive. I don't get called out for being selfish or narcissistic anymore because I have changed those behaviors, but the deep-seated beliefs have continued to remain. I've been watching a lot of the Heal NPD videos, which made me realize I was just an insecure person trying to fill a black hole.

Let me know your thoughts...

​

My mother has NPD but I can't really do anything because she refuses therapy, however I now have two friends who I just realised have covert NPD, took me a while to realise because the narcissism was accompanied by self loathing for being that way, one of them always tried to appear normal, only due to recent events and some stressful discussions have I realised she has NPD and an inferiority complex, I'm scared because the inferiority complex is directed towards me, she is a lot like me except that she has NPD, I don't know If telling her that she probably has NPD upfront would set her off again but I don't really know what else to do, thankfully there's a chance this friend will be able to get therapy. The other friend at the very least doesn't lash out at me so I can actively talk to him and he does admit that the characteristics line up even though he never realised until today that he had NPD (bad thing is he's even more depressed now that he knows he has NPD) this friend is the one who can't get any therapy and his environment isn't very healthy, he's jealous for a lot of things and that very jealousy makes him hate himself, he often thought I'd hate him for some things which when he did end up talking about didn't end up with me hating him. Anyway is there anything I can do to help my friends if they're unable to get therapy? Also are there any things that I should or shouldn't do.

As for the symptoms if you wanna know, they want to be the center of attention, they feel neglected when someone else takes the spotlight, just because someone got closer to another person they broke apart the friendship because they felt jealous, they left the friend group cuz of said jealousy, when I was tryna help and talk to one of them she thought I was being superior or something, taking the moral high ground, she thinks I hold her "in little regard" even though I talk to her a lot and try to contact her whenever she's free.

Are a lot of narcissists obsessed or fascinated with crossdressers and transvestites? I read somewhere that some are. It didn't have a lot of information about it. I also saw a video from a clinical psychologist who talked about narcissists seeking out transgender people because that would be a subset of groups that would be easily manipulate. Is that true? He was saying that's how they get a lot of their power and validation and how it's easier to control the situation because of how there's a lot of secrecy in people that fit into a minority group like that. Is that why they are attracted to groups of people like this because it's easier for the control and validation or is it because they're just in the closet?