r/AmItheAsshole • u/throwRA_495848 • Aug 08 '26
Not the A-hole WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?
I really need help here. My (22M) gf (26F) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair. There’s been some improvements and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment but I found out her old hognose is no longer alive. We knew he’d pass soon anyways but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while, I only stopped crying a little bit ago.
Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him. I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday and I don’t want this is effect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causing a scene there.
I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations. I feel conflicted on it. If I’m wrong please let me know, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother.
324
u/robot428 Asshole Aficionado [19] Aug 08 '26
NAH - oh OP this is so sad, I don't think you are the asshole no matter what you decide.
I think it depends on the person - some people would want to know immediately, others would appreciate you keeping it to yourself.
I think if it was me, personally, I'd probably hold off on telling her until just after the party, because there's nothing she can do at this point -if he was dying and there was an option to be with him at the end that would be different, but he has sadly already passed so theres nothing she will miss. But I would probably just tell a white lie about when it happened and say he passed during the party or the day of the party, just so she doesn't feel guilty or like you kept something from her. But that's my suggestion because if it was me on the other end of this situation, I think that's what I'd want my partner to do for me.
You know your girlfriend, you sound very empathetic. I think you just have to try and imagine what she would want you to do, and do that. I don't think you are the asshole no matter what you choose, because I don't think there's a correct answer here.
I'm so sorry for both of your loss. Pets are family too.
48
u/hexagon_heist Partassipant [4] Aug 08 '26
When my mom was sick but stable, I was having lunch with my best friend when I got a call from her at the hospital. I asked if the news could wait until after lunch, because I knew once I heard it my appetite would be gone and not coming back, and I wanted to catch up with my best friend before my world fell apart. The news could indeed wait 45 minutes, even though the news was that she had hours to days left (ended up living a few more weeks). I’m glad I finished my lunch first.
It does depend on the person, but I agree, let gf get through the party first.
1.8k
u/Mellifluous-Squirrel Partassipant [2] Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA, but be prepared that you'll probably be "the bad guy" in this situation whatever you do.
FWIW I think you're right to prioritise the living family relationships for the sake of 36 hours or whatever.
97
Aug 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/JustBrowsing49 Asshole Aficionado [14] Aug 08 '26
What if she’s active in this forum and finds this post?
13
40
u/TheNightTerror1987 Aug 09 '26
It does depend. Something very similar happened to a friend of mine, her childhood dog died when she was away competing in a national competition. Her parents didn't tell her so she could focus on it and told her as soon as the results were in, and while she was devastated about her dog, she did get it and was glad they didn't tell her.
238
u/ijaruj Aug 08 '26
My parents didn’t tell me my childhood cat died because I had university exams at the time. This part I understand. But they kept it from me another two weeks until I came home so they could tell me in person. The whole time I was so excited to see my cat, I ran into the house saying “here kitty kitty” and they were like umm sorry she died two weeks ago. It was devastating.
Point is, YWNBTA for not telling her when it would be distracting from something very important. But you tell her first chance you get after, ideally on the phone after the party is over. Don’t make it about yourself, let her be sad and angry. She will be hurt and she may even blame you a little but she will eventually be ok.
Also, if she writes you during the event saying it’s not going well, you don’t have to wait - then you’ll be giving her an excuse to get out of there while also telling her the first moment it was appropriate to do so.
Sorry for your loss.
210
u/Iridonia Aug 08 '26
On my 15th birthday, my mom told me my cousin committed suicide. I immediately burst out crying, and she tried to console me - with the "consolation prize" that I'd gotten earlier that day. I got a foal for my birthday. It was the best gift ever. I loved him so much. But this was no consolation prize for my cousin's death. My mother thought it would soften the blow - in her mind, it probably made sense at the time. But to me, it was such a twisted thing. She meant well, but I wish she'd waited to tell me the day after. It tainted my 15th birthday forever.
Your situation is obviously a little different - but I think you should just let her enjoy celebrating her brother. Tell her the truth about why you waited (if that is what you choose). She might be upset with you in the moment, but in the long run she'll likely understand and even appreciate what you did.
41
u/Turtlelover73 Aug 08 '26
My policy on pet deaths when traveling (Had an elderly dog for years and traveled a few times during that period) was always 'If I can get back in time to say goodbye with immediate notice, tell me as soon as physically possible. If not, hold off until I'm back.'
I think it's a pretty reasonable way to do it, and I hope your GF will understand your reasoning. Prepare for her to be inconsolable, though.
78
30
u/Dark_Jophiel Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA.
My mother waited until I came home from work to tell me our last dog had passed away that morning. She hadn't wanted me to be upset at work and come home early. This is sort of the same vein.
I was upset with her at the time (quietly, I never said it to her face), but once the grief passed I knew she was right to wait. I think waiting until after the celebration would be best
691
u/Key-Product-99 Aug 08 '26
NTA, as Yzma said “well, he’s not getting any deader” ba bum da bum!
Jokes aside, I really am deeply sorry for your loss. If it were me, I’d be grateful to my partner for handling all the hard bits of taking care of the body, dismantling the setup, and just braking it to me smoothly when I got back from my trip. Best of luck.
342
u/Aidisnotapotato Aug 08 '26
For some people, taking care of the body and dismantling the set up is an important part of saying goodbye. There's a lot of grief and pain to it, but every pet I've lost, I've done my best to be as involved in the after care as possible. It gives an element of closure, and the comfort of knowing I did everything my pet needed me too, even when it hurt. Just another perspective— I don't think it's wrong to postpone on telling until after the festivities. I would definitely discuss before dismantling anything though
138
u/misszoei Aug 08 '26
100%. My mum flushed my fish while I was at school and I was devastated. Saying goodbye was part of the grieving process that I didn’t get to do!
23
u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] Aug 08 '26
Absolutely. Last time I lost a bird (and it was my first ever bird), I had him cremated. The whole process of getting a necropsy done to figure out what happened, then arranging for the cremation, picking out the urn, etc. helped so much.
First the peace of mind to find out that what he died from wasn't preventable and wasn't a danger to my remaining bird. Then the cremation was like making funeral arrangements for a human. It gave me some agency in a situation I had otherwise no control over. And then having the urn with me, a physical object that let me still feel close to him in some way.
-45
u/No_Builder7010 Aug 08 '26
See, I got the impression that the snake doesn't live with them.
83
u/throwRA_495848 Aug 08 '26
I don’t want to sound rude but where do you think he was?
-22
u/Bearbearblues Aug 08 '26
The part where you said you “found out” made it unclear if you are where the snake is.
43
u/geenersaurus Aug 08 '26
i took it as if he found out in that the snake was hiding in the corner because it has been sick and he just found it dead without her knowing because girlfriend was busy or away at the time
40
u/GarneNilbog Aug 08 '26
If you know how hognoses are kept you'd get it immediately lol. Theyre often kept in habitats with a LOT of hiding and burrowing materials. Like, several inches deep of bedding. You would have to notice the snake wasn't exploring like usual and then literally go digging to find the animal in the tank. You often just won't see your pet snakes lol. and they dont eat every day so its totally a thing to have to searching for it to find out it died.
2
-3
u/SparklyAbortionPanda Partassipant [1] Aug 08 '26
Sure, I suppose.
I did years of research with burrowing animals and then adopted one of my burrowing buddies (with the rest going to friends) after the experiments ended and I have never described finding one had passed away as "I found out", nor did the wording make sense to me initially.
So, maybe it isn't as clear cut or obvious or "common sense" as you think.
10
u/GarneNilbog Aug 08 '26
It seems pretty clear to everyone else here so I dont know wtf to tell you.
1
-16
u/No_Builder7010 Aug 08 '26
I don't know your life. The snake could have been with a friend or family member. Your phrasing was confusing.
19
u/Key-Product-99 Aug 08 '26
Why would he be so upset over the passing if he wasn’t emotionally connected to the snake from living with it?
14
u/MagicWishMonkey Aug 08 '26
Do NOT let the snake sit out in the open until she gets back. They decompose fast and after a day or so the stench will be completely unbearable, and it'll make it even harder on her.
As gross as it is, you should put it in the fridge or freezer or something.
66
u/bourbonandcustard Aug 08 '26
NTA, but when you do tell her be completely honest with her, don’t lie further and say he only just died or something. Hopefully she will understand.
10
u/nix_iguess Aug 08 '26
A few years ago my parrot died on the first day of my vacation. She was old, around 10 and I knew it was coming for a while. My family didn't tell me until I got back. I was a little sad I found out so late, but ultimately it was the best decision. Your girlfriend is in another country and it would be the best for her if she found out after she's been able to enjoy her brother's party. YWNBTAH.
17
u/PatchworkMann Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
ywnbta.. yeahh my parents hid my guinea pigs death from me until after we got back from the family holiday when i was a child. sometimes its the kindest thing. put the body somewhere very cold and be ready to console her and dig a grave in the garden when shes back.
dont suggest getting a new pet.
be ready for her to have a lot of questions if you dont tell her til shes back though. the how and when are the big ones.
in her situation, i would only realise the small blessing it is that my pet died when i left, if this is her first pet shes losing anywah. its a lot harder to be the one to find the body or to sit with your pet in their dying moments. youd think its the best closure to send them off but its just traumatising. would not like to go through that again.
if youre any good with your hands go and build a box worthy of honouring the dead. print and frame pictures of the snake and buy flowers.
9
u/No-Introduction3808 Aug 08 '26
My parents told me about the death of my grandparents (individually across a number of years) before school as they all seemed to pass away over night, it fucking sucked every single time. I had to just go to school and suck it up.
14
u/palcatraz Aug 08 '26
A close family member died and they didn’t even let you stay home from school for a single day? That’s fucked up.
4
u/No-Introduction3808 Aug 08 '26
What’s more fucked up is it happened with 3 grandparents and 2 great uncle/aunts.
7
u/PatchworkMann Aug 08 '26
my dad was pretty careful around deaths. both my grandmas died when my parents were children so theyre very emotionally intelligent with grief. he was strong, when he would find out about a pet or family members death in the morning we wouldnt find out til he was coming to pick us up from school.
7
u/the_eluder Aug 08 '26
I was in Canada on a birthday vacation when my grandfather suddenly passed away, my relatives waited until I was back to tell me, which was only a couple of days. I was fine with that decision because there was no way I could have made it back for any final goodbyes.
7
u/SmokeNLark Aug 08 '26
NTA. When I travel and someone watches my pets, I specifically tell them to tell me if they are hurt/sick, but not if they died. I can make decisions and give instructions (or return) if one of the pets is having an issue. But telling me one passed will only ruin my trip. There’s nothing I can do about a dead pet, especially when out of town. I can grieve when I get back. And this is coming from someone who loves my pets more than anything.
8
u/prettyandpetite02 Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA. (TW) When I was in high school, I had a favorite activity I was known for and very good at, and we would have 2-3 weekends per year where the entire group would spend all day together rehearsing and learning material. It was a huge deal to me to learn the material and enjoy time with my friends. When I was a sophomore, my uncle took his life on the Friday night one of these weekends started. My whole family hid it and put on a brave face so I could enjoy my weekend. I’m extremely grateful, it would have affected me greatly to ruin that time and they made a big sacrifice so I could enjoy something special to me.
28
u/FloralPanties Aug 08 '26
This one is hard, because your intent here is good I would automatically say you arent being an asshole you are trying to make a tough decision and no matter what you do you need to know she is going to be very upset.
If it were me I would want to know immediately. I dont care if im going to lose my job for walking out to mourn or if I piss off every friend and family member either. That is the loss of a lifelong friend and if I found at my SO kept it from me for any amount of time I don't think I could forgive them even if they had all my best interests in mind doing it, but it wouldnt be because i thought they were an asshole. Id feel I had the right to know, but everyone and every situation is different and I can't say you are an asshole for any choice you make here.
6
u/Anri-of-dominaria Aug 08 '26
NTA, I think it's ok to let her have a day before you tell her. But as others have said, be prepared to be "the bad guy" no matter what you do. (Unfortunately there's never a good way to break such terrible news)
6
u/freckles_and_berries Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA. one of my dogs died while i was on my senior trip. my mom chose not to tell me about it until we were back at the hotel for the night so that i would be able to enjoy the day instead of breaking down in front of my classmates, and i’m so grateful that she did that.
24
u/Comfortable-Sun-9273 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 08 '26
NAH you are in a tricky situation and there is no right answer.
If you plan on telling her the snake died after the party (as in death and telling her) - could you live with that secret?
If you plan on telling her after the party that the snake died beforehand - is she going to appreciate, based on your knowledge of her, you making that decision for her?
80
u/throwRA_495848 Aug 08 '26
I think if I don’t tell her immediately, I have to be honest and tell her that I withheld the information. I think she has a right to know when I keep something from her you know?
48
u/MedicMoth Partassipant [2] Aug 08 '26
This is the right way to play it. If you conceal the information for a day, tell her all the reasons why - that you knew how important that time with family was and how few opportunities she gets like that, and you wanted to do everything in your power to allow her to have just that one day. Tell her that you understand how this might have hurt her autonomy or cause her guilt or make her feel betrayed. Tell her you wish you had known what she would have wanted ahead of time, and that she's allowed to feel however she wants towards you for the decision you made, and that all you want to do right now is help her cope with her loss however she needs.
You'll really just have to go all in either way, I think. But if you truly know her and her priorities and her values, you will know if she would be able to forgive you and appreciate your decision, of if she will feel that you took something away from her
7
u/Comfortable-Sun-9273 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 08 '26
100% agree
Issue is whether she will appreciate your choice - only you can know
6
u/Fearless_Jicama5052 Aug 08 '26
Man, what a tough situation 🫤. My 15+ yr old dog very recently passed away, I've also had him since I was very young, if anyone hid his passing from me I'd feel so incredibly betrayed. And probably guilty for having a good time at a party not knowing my friend was no longer alive at that time. It's such a tough situation no matter what you decide to do, but I really do think you should tell her. When does she come back? Do you think she'll be okay (not the best word, I know) finding out while she's not at home? Did you guys have a plan on what to do if he passed while she was away? I think right now it's NTA, it's a very hard situation no matter what you decide, I'm so sorry for your loss 🖤
16
u/throwRA_495848 Aug 08 '26
She comes back in about 30 smth hours. I know she’ll be more devastated than I was, which I was very. I might just risk the breakup if it means she has a better chance at having a good familial relationship.
8
u/Mellifluous-Squirrel Partassipant [2] Aug 08 '26
Can you tell her before she comes back but after the party itself?
8
u/interrupted_sleep Aug 08 '26
Idk I feel like that’s the worst time, then she’s by herself in another country and will be miserable on the trip back home, travelling is already stressful for a lot of people and that will make it 10x worse
2
3
u/Fearless_Jicama5052 Aug 08 '26
Breakup? Noo, just support her as much as you can right now, it's going to be rough when she learns what happened. I think you do need to tell her like the other commenter said before she comes back but after the party. Definitely before she comes back in my opinion so she can decide what to do with the body if she needs to. Again, I'm so sorry 🖤 By the way why is her relationship with her family rough? Did they do something, do you think they'll be nice/supportive of her right now?
13
u/Honeeblood Aug 08 '26
While your intentions are good I would feel horrible for having fun when my pet had died and I didn’t know. That guilt may make it all a lot worse.
I would suggest telling her asap as she can then make her own choice of how to handle it. She’s an adult, and yes it may ruin the party but that’s how life is sometimes.
NTA for the thought but think about all the things she may feel if you don’t tell her. You know her, I don’t, so I may be off but consider it.
4
u/jigglituff Partassipant [1] Aug 08 '26
NTA it's kind to let her enjoy the rest of her trip that's already emotionally charged, before giving her more big emotions to process. Everyone is different but I wouldn't want to know until I was back from the trip because one trauma at a time.
4
u/OGIBLP Aug 08 '26
That’s probably for the best. The snake won’t be any less dead, it’ll just ruin her trip. You’re a thoughtful partner.
8
u/One_Waxed_Wookiee Partassipant [1] Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA for not telling your girlfriend right away. You know your gf best as to what she'd find most upsetting, so go with your gut.
You're in a really difficult position and there's no perfect answer.
3
u/thatgirlwithlonghair Aug 08 '26
7 years ago my childhood cat passed while my twin brother was on spring break in Florida. My mom didn’t tell him til he got back because she knew he couldn’t do anything about it and to grieve while he was on a trip would not have been ideal. He deserved to enjoy the rest of his trip with his friends without the weight of grieving our cat. It sounds like your girlfriend is in a similar situation. I think waiting so she’s not upset when she’s trying to have a good time and mend relationships is more than fair. Nothing can be done, telling her doesn’t bring her snake back.
2
u/AniCatGirl Aug 08 '26
This is also a hard one for me. Me, personally, I would want to know if a beloved family member had passed, and if my boyfriend kept it from me under like any circumstances besides I'm actively dying I would be PISSED. So... I mean... You know her better than we do. Is this something she would want to know immediately? The way it sounds like this hognose is a treasured pet, and if I were her and you kept it from me "for my own good" I would not be happy, regardless of the situation. And I would also tell my family to f off for my pets. You also need to do something with his remains ASAP, which her desires for that ought to be heard. Freezing until she is able to decide is ideal, as far as if she would want him cremated or something else. His body will begin decaying quickly at room temperature.
2
u/Gertrude_D Partassipant [4] Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA
This situation calls for a white lie so hard. Yes - let her have her peace of mind. There is nothing she can do about the situation and she needs to have a clear mind to pursue the long term goal of better family relationships right now.
You're not hiding something shocking from her, you're not hiding something forever - you're just choosing the right time so that she can grieve fully when it's appropriate and you can offer support.
2
u/yeehawt22 Partassipant [4] Aug 08 '26
NTA. Do not tell her, if she becomes inconsolable, her brother and family will hold it against her and say she’s a drama-queen or attention seeker “on her brothers birthday”.
Me personally, I would want to know after the event is over and I am in the clear to cry “safely”; I would not be mad if my partner would wait to tell me in-person as well, but I prefer knowing bad news sooner than later. You could tell her AFTER she leaves the party/ is on the way back to your guys place, “hey I’m fine, I do not want to break up, but I have some bad news, I can tell you now or I can inform you in-person.” As an example.
2
u/nattieshepherd Aug 08 '26
Absolutely YWNBTA! I have an older bearded dragon who's not in her best shape due to her age and my husband fears for the day she passes because I've had her for 11 years and she was my first. If I were in your gfs situation and my husband waited to tell me the news of her passing I would appreciate it, it shows you care and know how much the snake means to her. Sending my condolences
2
u/Big-Fig3260 Aug 08 '26
Ok, former reptile vet here- are you sure it’s dead? For reptiles, breathing is optional. You cannot say a snake is dead until it starts to smell. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. That is why post-surgically we put them under warming lamps. Not just to help them recover. I realize this may be too late for you but I hope it helps others. DO NOT USE HOT ROCKS. That goes for any reptiles. Hot rocks tend to induce thermal burns. But just because you do not see a reptile take a breath or feel a heartbeat does not mean it’s dead. It could very well be alive. Wait until it starts to smell.
2
2
u/TimmyVee73 Aug 08 '26
NAH and YWNBTA if you waited. The fact you’re most concerned about your partner’s well-being says a lot here.
-2
u/Pseudonymous_Alien Partassipant [2] Aug 08 '26
NTA but She would probably feel betrayed if she found out you hid it from her. I think she wiuld appreciate it more if you told her immediately. Maybe some approach like "hey I didn't want to ruin your mood before the celebrations but..." But thats just my opinion tbh
56
u/CRJG95 Aug 08 '26
Adding "I don't want to ruin your mood but..." is completely pointless before dropping news that will devastated her and completely spoil her family celebrations. She's out of the country, there's nothing she can do about the pet now, it won't change anything if she finds out a day later but at least she gets to be present in the family celebrations that are obviously important to her.
1
u/Pseudonymous_Alien Partassipant [2] Aug 08 '26
I guess you have a point! I'm not an english speaker so that sounded better in my head
13
u/throwRA_495848 Aug 08 '26
Yeah true. I’m just scared I guess. I feel like I’m doing Gus dirty somehow, don’t know why.
10
u/fandom_bullshit Aug 08 '26
My guinea pig passed away when I wasn't home, my parents were. They didn't tell me for 3 days because I had an important interview coming up and they didn't want me to feel miserable throughout.
Tbh I do somewhat resent them for it even now, 4 years later, but I also understand why they did what they did. Grief isn't rational so if you do decide not to tell her prepare for her to be mad at you if that's how your girlfriend handles grief.
Fwiw, I would not tell her in this situation.
4
u/Meridellian Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 08 '26
Mhmm, see that's exactly why it's so tough. In the short term your parents were definitely doing you a favour - you might've bombed the interview otherwise - but that resentment is gonna stay there long-term, and it's going to be towards OP if he withholds the info from his gf.
1
u/Haplesswanderer98 Aug 08 '26
Gus has been with that girl since before you knew her. You'd think if he cared about anything like that he'd care more about her not losing this chance.
1
u/MinnieSkinny Aug 08 '26
My parents did this to me when my cat died, I was horrified when I found out and it has caused lasting trust issues with my other pets. I feel anxious when im out and they're watching the animals because I cant trust them to tell me if/when something happens.
2
u/Upbeat-Listen-6947 Aug 08 '26
Withholding this type of information, even for heartfelt reasons, feels ill-judged to me.
18
u/One_Last_Cry Aug 08 '26
This feels like a no win situation, if he tells her it WILL ruin the festivities and if not she may feel betrayed for not being told sooner. Quite the pickle.
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 08 '26
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I really need help here. My (22M) gf (26F) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair. There’s been some improvements and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment but I found out her old hognose is no longer alive. We knew he’d pass soon anyways but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while, I only stopped crying a little bit ago.
Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him. I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday and I don’t want this is effect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causing a scene there.
I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations. I feel conflicted on it. If I’m wrong please let me know, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Smart-Story-2142 Aug 08 '26
Maybe you can do something to help memorialize her snake, that way you have a plan in place to not only help in that moment but also to remember her pet. I’m not sure how to do this for a snake but I know that I would want to do something for my pets should I lose any of them. Sorry for your loss.
1
u/catshateTERFs Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA. This would also be the case if you did tell her - I don’t think either is wrong here.
This is clearly coming from a place of kindness either way and you seem like a really compassionate partner.
I have had pets die when I’ve been away and have had this handled both ways. It’s bad news either way and will hurt regardless.
I honestly think it would also be ok to tuck the little fella up in a shoebox or something that would be suitable for burying in (or however she wants to handle his remains) if you feel ok with doing that. You could fudge the date of death by 24 hours or so and tell her towards the end of the birthday that he’d passed if you wanted to too as well, but I think saying it as “I didn’t want to tell you while you were alone so you wouldn’t have to go through this by yourself” would be ok too. You want to support her and that’s the important bit
Sorry for her loss and yours too
1
u/ElfGoodness Aug 08 '26
Ywnbta.
However, make sure to put the snake in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer. This way she can say goodbye in her own time and this way the snake won't rot.
1
u/lucky_719 Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA. personally I see it as the snake didn't die until tomorrow and I'd take that knowledge with me to the grave.
1
u/opelan Partassipant [1] Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA. Tell her later. Let her enjoy the party first and hopefully repair her relationship with her family more.
Also it is better for everyone else, too. If she goes all sad and crying to the party, it is a downer for everyone at the party and it hurts the mood. The brother deserves especially more.
1
u/opelan Partassipant [1] Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA. Tell her later. Let her enjoy the party first and hopefully repair her relationship with her family more.
Also it is better for everyone else, too. If she goes all sad and crying to the party, it is a downer for everyone at the party and it hurts the mood. The brother deserves especially more.
1
u/underwater_owl Asshole Enthusiast [9] Aug 08 '26
NTA Tell her when she gets home. Nothing to be done. Put him in the freezer. Make decisions about what to do with his remains when she's done crying. I've lost so many pets over the years. It's always hard even when you see it coming. My condolences.
1
u/explosivetoilet Aug 08 '26
As a snake owner Im conflicted, has she discussed before what she wants done with the body? Because my snake was frozen I couldn't get the post mortem I wanted done. I believe there are also method of preservation that require certain immediate steps.
1
u/MistressLyda Asshole Enthusiast [7] Aug 08 '26
INFO:
Is it likely that she will be worried about your ability to hide a big (negative) event from her?
1
1
1
u/PositiveFunny5880 Aug 08 '26
I can see both sides to this. I don’t think telling her or not telling her is wrong do what feels right
1
u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Aficionado [10] Aug 09 '26
YWNBTA. Just work it so she thinks he passed while she was gone and NEVER tell a soul otherwise.
I am sorry for your loss.
1
u/viioletdelights Aug 09 '26
This is such a difficult situation. I do think you have her best interests at heart, but you need to be really sure about not telling her and also prepared to deal with the fallout. By not telling her, this could break her trust with you, which can be a very hard thing to come back from.
I was in her position, and waiting to tell me was the wrong decision. I understand the want to protect her and let her have her time with her family, but she is also an adult.
If she was away for any other reason, do you think she'd want to know straight away or not? If the answer is yes, then you should probably tell her. If not, then hold back and go with your initial decision.
1
u/gikkicos Aug 09 '26
NTA
But don’t hide it for more than a day, please! I found out that my childhood cat had died 2 weeks probably through a friend of my dad. It was a betrayal I still haven’t gotten over tbh
1
u/hypothetical_zombie Aug 09 '26
NTA
It's very thoughtful of you to wait to break the bad news.
A word of advice if you've never been around a dead snake: Put his body in a baggie or plastic container w/a lid, and put it in the freezer.
Snakes, when they pass, will smell very bad very quickly. They decompose quickly, too, because their stomach acid is very strong.
1
u/ConfusionDry8593 Aug 13 '26
Just tell her ffs, it’s her snake and her family. She can decide what is best for her. I don’t understand in helping other people making decisions when facing grief.
1
u/Brit_in_usa1 Aug 13 '26
My sister was on her honeymoon when her cat got hit by a car. We didn’t tell her until she came home because we knew it would it would ruin it. NTA
1
u/Ariel_s_Awesome Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
It's a complicated situation, a decision that can only be made by ones who know her well, but you'd be TA.
My dad carelessly ran over his cat. He wanted to tell my brother after he picked him up for a family reunion. Fortunately, he came early and I answered the door instead. And I was livid. She was a sweet cat who trusted him with all her heart!
My brother found out when I was ranting to my mom. By this point he was a withdrawn, gruff teenager who didn't say more than the bare minimum. I've never regretted anything more than when I heard him say, in a small fragile voice that made him sound years younger, “Snow's dead?”
It wasn’t exactly a great way to break the news. If I stopped to think I would've found a gentler way. But it was a HELL of a lot better than finding out just when he was about to interact with his extended family.
I know I'm late, and probably not as sympathetic as I should be because my situation was far messier, but let her decide what to do. She has the right to inconsolably cry in her room for awhile. It wouldn’t hurt to tell them that she's sick and encourage her to bring a gift later.
1
u/Sherlockandload Aug 08 '26
I'm going to go against the group and say Maybe.
Your instinct may be valid and your intent good, but you could also inadvertently damage trust. This is technically lying by omission. You know her better than we do and everyone has a different level of acceptance on deception when the intent is good. Holding off may be the practical thing to do, but if they have a high level in regards to honesty not telling them as soon as you know could damage trust... especially in situations of emotional turmoil.
Use your best judgement. If it were my partner who has a very high threshold for honesty in regards to important things, I would give them the choice to know or wait and say, "Something sad happened and I want to share it with you, but I honestly think its better to wait and tell you about it tomorrow. Would that be okay?" I use the word sad here specifically to try and prevent the wrong emotional response since saying "Something bad happened," could be misinterpreted without clarification.
It may affect their plans but less than the full news if they agree to it and can also help subconsciously prepare them for the news tomorrow, and you were direct and honest. However, sometimes there is nothing to be done to help the situation.
-4
u/Meridellian Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 08 '26
YWBTA, unfortunately. If you hide it, you're asking for relationship problems down the line. Also, she'd probably feel more guilty to come back and find the snake dead after being out of the house for 3 days, because she might think she could've done something to save it if only she'd been here.
7
Aug 08 '26 edited 2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/Meridellian Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 08 '26
Yeah I'm surprised I'm getting downvoted tbh, guess it's just how the rest of reddit feels, which is valid, but unfortunately I really think the gf is gonna blame OP if she ever found out he hid this from her! I think it's gonna suck either way, and at least if he's honest he can't truly be blamed long-term.
I think maybe I misunderstood the post a bit though, I guess if she's already left the country it's a bit different, because she definitely can't do anything now. But if I went on holiday for 3 days and thought my cat had died on day 3 vs day 1 I'd be wracked with guilt!
0
u/Throrface Aug 08 '26
YWBTA. Here's the way I see it: When I have a partner and we are taking care of something together, I expect my partner to bloody tell me when anything happens to whatever we are caring for together, as soon as it's reasonably possible for them. You would rob her of her agency in your shared caretaking to make her enjoy a party? That's stupid. If my partner pulled that, I would have trouble trusting them with shared care for anything else in the future.
-3
u/NemiVonFritzenberg Aug 08 '26
Delete this post and tell her after the party that he has passed suddenly.
0
u/octropos Partassipant [1] Aug 08 '26
NTA
How good are your acting skills?
I feel no reason why you should tell her now. Question: are you going to pretend like the snake just died?
If you have some decent lying skills, I would save yourself and act like it just died. I would not try and justify the lie by telling her you lied and why you did it.
She comes back. Oh I am so sorry, I realized old' shoelace died this morning. I didn't want to burden you as soon as you got back, but I know you'd want to know.
Do you think you could prepared for it? Like buy her that thing she likes with a new blanket and some ice cream and a heating pad? Uber eats some Chinese food.
Go full comfort mode.
-3
u/winterworld561 Aug 08 '26
No, you wouldn't be the asshole. It's perfectly ok to wait a day before telling her. Tell her it happened the same day she was coming home though because she might get mad if she knew you waited to tell her.
-1
u/DebtMindless6356 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA, tell after the party. Don't tell her when it died, just that it died.
Say it was dead when you got up in the morning. It's not a lie, it's blurring the truth a bit.
-1
u/Precatlady Aug 08 '26
YTA If you lie or mislead someone who is already struggling with unstable relationships, even if it seems like it would be in their best interest, the lie itself usually becomes a very big deal. Losing a pet is a big deal. You should let her decide how she handles her own pet dying rather than choosing for her. you can have a discussion about whether she would have preferred you wait in case a similar situation happens again, but choosing for her is not going to go well in almost any case.
-1
u/Crochet-panther Aug 08 '26
YWNBTA but you need to take this to your grave. Of this is your decision then the snake didn’t die until the day after tomorrow ok? And that fact can never change.
There nothing she can do to change it and that’s why you wouldn’t be the asshole. I actually asked my parents last time I sat their dogs before one passed away, one was ill and I outright said do they want to know during their holiday if anything happens. They said no. There’s a very big difference between telling someone bad news at a bad time if that would mean they can do something (last visit to someone dying for example) compared to telling someone bad news at a bad time when actually nothing is going to change if they learn about it 13 hours later.
-5
u/Consistent_Club_7879 Aug 08 '26
Where's the snake? Is it not likely she might discover it dead on her own? Does she not look at it during the day, play with it pet it whatever it is people so with pet snakes ?
I'm asking because I don't know what will be worse. Her finding out suddenly on her own or you preparing her and letting her know kindly
4
u/palcatraz Aug 08 '26
His girlfriend is abroad. The snake is (or was) at home. There is no way for her to interact with the snake and find out right now.
1
u/ChanceZucchini Aug 08 '26
Snakes decompose pretty fast. He can’t leave it for another day (assuming he’s the one who found it) or it’s going to smell horrific. If he wants her to be able to see the body and decide what to do with it, hes got to put it in the fridge or freezer
1
4.5k
u/[deleted] Aug 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment