I have been putting this off for days because i've been nervous about leaving my home. Even though it is supposedly "not far away"-
The clinic where I would get my flu shot. My husband offered to share a cab with me to the clinic. And then I waited to get my shot.
As I left, I was prepared to get a lift home and usually that works. But I was in a very crowded place. There was construction, and unfortunately, a few blocks, south, a street had been closed for kids to play on. I've been in this situation, one or two times so I walked a few blocks south towards my home.
But it ended up not working out the way I wanted. I scheduled a lyft, but unfortunately it had to be canceled because of all the traffic. I started getting really agitated and nervous and walked a little further south. But my mind was getting panicky, and I had to put some earplugs in to cancel out some of the extra noise.
Finally, I found a place to try and get a different lift. But it was still taking a really long time, and my mind was running a 1000 Miles a minute, and I was trying to do lots of deep breathing, but I felt like I was gonna start crying any minute, and then I was worried that I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. And I was about 10 or 11 blocks from my home, and I was about to ask my husband to walk 10 blocks to get me, and then 10 blocks back to the house.
Which I know sounds ridiculous, probably to anybody who doesn't have agorophobia. Luckily, the second cab was able to come. It was a very quick ride. I got home. But unfortunately, I got into an argument with my husband. I realize it's a silly argument. I was telling him how I was feeling, and he said, oh, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to feel like you're gonna cry. He likes to normalize my emotions, which I find is very kind. But for me, it felt like he was saying it's okay to feel those feelings when you're outside and for me, no, that's not true. Because I have to get myself home.
So this is a losing battle, and I didn't mean for us to argue, but there really isn't an easy way for us to chat about that. I do know that this is a win in the fact that I didn't have a complete meltdown in the street. But i'm also worrying, what would have happened if I hadn't gotten my second attempt at a cab? I have yet to walk more than 3 or 4 blocks in my neighborhood since 2019. And this is how far I could get, but still, it makes the worry side of me a little stronger.