My mom (76, widow) lives with us (empty nesters, 52 and 50) in the US 6 months of the year and independently in India the other 6 months. Over the last several years, I have found that there is barely anything in common between my mom and I and as a result, we have nothing much to talk other than the weather, her health, how the immediate relatives are doing etc.

A typical day at home:

we may see each other at lunch or dinner. Exchange pleasantries, finish our meal and move on with our day. She is religious but neither my wife or I are - so no intersection at her prayer times nor do we observe any of the festivals/rituals that are typical of south Asians. We have told her she can observe whatever she wants but she chooses not to.

Her entertainment choices are dramatically different than ours - she has no interest in US news, shows etc. while she can speak and understand English, it is not a strong suit. She prefers watching South Asian TV shows that I simply can't stand.

Between my wife and I, we split the chores of the house. So, my mom doesn't have to deal with any of that such as cooking, house cleaning, organizing etc. She does manage her own stuff like laundry etc.

She barely makes an effort to connect with her grand kids when they are home from college. She often blames language as a barrier but I simply don't see her being curious to sincerely know how they are doing. She was the same when the kids were little - no stories, no effort at making them a dish they would like etc. She would struggle to remember their birthdays or the specific schools they go to and what they are studying.

When we have my relatives visiting us, she would turn gossipy with them or with me and I usually dont tolerate it and cut it off very quickly.

She would often complain to anyone visiting that no one talks to her and everyone is busy in their own lives. Often comparing to the situation with her neighbors in India where the adult kids, grand kids live with their parents in the parental home and the space is a lot tighter so the surface area of contact between generations is very very high.

Typically any conversation with her other than the mundane devolves into complaining about the other person. I find that she has little natural empathy.

She wasnt like this when I was growing up. Perhaps the challenges of managing a family of 4 kept her occupied. I remember all the good times we had. My dad and she empty nested for over 28 years till he passed. She misses him but even her framing of that shows up like a rant "he left me alone to deal with life. I have to manage everything on my own now". It's never about what Dad is missing by not being here but all the things he used to do for her that she needs to manage on her own. E.g. house repair or maintenance when she is in India.

Economically, we are upper middle class. She is self sufficient in India and we are fortunate to bear her expenses when she is here in the US.

I feel I have, maybe, 5 to 10 years more with her. And I want to make sure I don't regret not making an effort to make her remaining days more joyful for her.

What advice do you all have on how I could improve my relationship with Mom?

Thank you for your insights.

I’d like to preface by saying I’m not asking for techniques in dealing with dementia related behavior.

My mother has dementia, and my father is her primary caregiver. My parents are married and live together, and I live about 20 minutes away. Most of his family and friends live overseas, and he typically travels there for 7–8 days twice a year.

Whenever he travels, I’m expected to stay at their house with my mother full time. Although she can still bathe, dress herself, make a simple meal, and get around independently, her confusion and disorientation mean she cannot safely be left alone for any meaningful length of time.

I work full-time, so I’m also responsible for arranging supervision for her while I’m at work. This most recent trip, I couldn’t find a sitter for two days and had to take unpaid time off work—money I really cannot afford to lose. This is something I really wish my father would make arrangements for, as it leaves me scrambling to find a sitter while I work full time and he is retired.

Caring for my mother is emotionally exhausting. Because of her dementia, she believes she is the adult in charge and becomes nasty or defensive when redirected or corrected. She constantly loses things, and much of our time together consists of arguments, searching for misplaced belongings, and trying to redirect her. I understand that her behavior is a result of her illness, and I do not to take it personally. I keep her occupied and try to avoid engaging in arguments, but that doesn’t make the situation much easier.

She also becomes extremely distressed when my father travels. She doesn’t understand where he is, why he left, or when he’s coming home. At the same time, she resents my presence and repeatedly tells me she doesn’t need me and wants me to leave. So I’m left trying to supervise someone who doesn’t want me there, while managing her distress and hostility for days at a time.

This is probably the eighth time I’ve taken care of her while my father has been away, and I honestly don’t think I can do it again. I feel clinically depressed by the end of my week with her.

I feel obligated to help because she’s my mother, and I want my father to have a break from his caregiving responsibilities. But I also feel that it’s unfair for him to travel without having a reliable care plan in place, knowing that I work full-time, cannot afford to miss work, and will be left managing her cognitive destabilization due to his absence.

These trips are damaging my relationship with my mother and creating significant resentment toward my father. I find very little joy in our time together during these periods, and I don’t want the time I have left with her to be defined by misery and conflict for both of us.
I don’t want to deprive my father of the opportunity to travel and see his loved ones, but I also don’t think I can continue sacrificing my finances and emotional well-being to make those trips possible.

Am I the asshole if I tell my father I can no longer be responsible for caring for my mother while he travels, even if that means he has to change his plans?

And, separately, is it reasonable for my father to continue taking these trips at all even if we can arrange alternative care for my mother, given how distressed and destabilized she becomes whenever he leaves?

Hello, my parents are in their 80's and have always had, in my opinion, a dysfunctional relationship dynamic and it's just getting worse. My dad is super rigid and controlling, can be pretty harsh and insensitive at times. He's always been this way to some degree but as he gets older it's getting so much worse. My mom's response to his behavior her whole life has been to minimize it and make excuses. She's mostly been a very independent person as well - she had a career, was involved in a lot of community activities, etc. She didn't always have to spend a lot of time in the house with my dad. As she's aged, she's still pretty engaged in some things, but she's slowed down more and has to spend more time with him.

On some days, it's very depressing to go over to see them. My dad is completely withdrawn and won't really engage - he doesn't really talk to me or my kids when we visit, and seems apathetic when my mom tries to engage him. (Note: he's always been this way to some degree, but it's just getting much worse.) I think my mom is really drained by spending the days with him and she seems sad. She's been having a lot of nausea for the past few months, which I think it primarily psychosomatic.

In a way, I feel like I've seen this coming for a long time, but it's incredibly heartbreaking to watch. I really don't understand why my mom stayed in a relationship with my dad but I guess she had her reasons. My mom is a very caring person and it's really hard to how poorly he treats her. (Personally, since I was a kid, I always hoped they would get a divorce. He was a mean dad, too.)

Maybe a teeny part of me had some kind of hope that he'd gain some wisdom in his older years and start being kinder and more considerate of her. Rationally, I know that's not realistic, but I think there was a little part of me that wanted to believe it. Just wanted to vent. I'm going to go visit again tonight. I bring my kids and she loves them and talks and plays with them, but watching my dad become more distant, withdrawn, and difficult is very draining. Just needed to vent, I'm sure some of you are experiencing similar issues. Thanks.

Hopefully this won't be too long to read. My dad (76) changed statin in June and that set off a string of events he can't seem to recover from. (he's back on the original statin btw). His tinnitus got crazy bad, then he stopped being able to sleep well. His anxiety went through the roof and his BP was in emergency range. He was in and out of hospitals in June/July/August - in a psych facility then admitted himself trying to get in another psych facility and ended up admitted for a week for low sodium. The original psych facility added FOUR mood altering drugs to the one (mirtazapine) he was already taking. Then he was in yet another psych facility (all of this was him deciding he needed to go to psych because he couldn't sleep). Now he's been home about 5 weeks. Off of some of the drugs but currently obsessed with getting off temazepam to sleep because it's addictive and trying seroquel. ANYWAY. he says the depression is still always there. He has college football season tix and has given away the tickets to every game so far. He used to lift weights at the Y but now he says he can only be in there about 20 minutes before he gets overwhelmed. He eats out for lunch and dinner every day (usually Chili's - they know him by name in there) so he's still going out. He told me today that afternoons are the worst for the depression. I think he needs something to DO. He's just home all day other than taking a walk and going to eat. He's incredibly smart but doesn't have anything to fill his mind. He had a side project for years but it has slowed down. I recommended dog walking but the barking in the shelter bothered his tinnitus. I recommended meals on wheels but he said he emailed them and they didn't email back. Let me add that he does not have a therapist - how do you go to 3 different psych facilities and not have a therapist? He doesn't want to do zoom and he's in a podunk town with no good options. So I told him I was going to my aging parents thread to ask for advice :) Any thoughts on something he can do to keep busy and fill his days?

My AP is constantly comparing what they're not allowed to do with what their friends, many of whom are older, still do.

It's as if they've decided that because they're not capable of driving in their seventies, their friend in their eighties is surely not a competent driver. Everything comes down to age these days, and they're comparing themselves to their friends harder than I compared my body to Britney Spears' in high school.

I don't like weaseling their freedom and privileges away. I hate feeling like I'm the "unfun" pseudo-parent. It hurts SO MUCH getting pitted against my sisters while we sort through the tangled web that gets woven when AP is particularly salty about a change.

And, some of these friendships scare me. One of AP's closest friends, one they call their non-biological sibling, is in their early nineties and still sharp as a whip. This friend is active, social, articulate, and independent -- I think their only change outside of aging was getting dentures. Otherwise, no surgeries, implants, or major health issues.

This unlikely beacon of health and hardiness is almost in a position of hero-worship to my AP. They're suddenly wanting to go on weekend hiking/camping trips because their friend does that. AP has had knee replacements but did not do the exercises and PT properly afterward and now they have a drunken/shuffling gait because of it; I'm on tenterhooks when they go shopping alone, never mind going hiking with a friend twenty years their senior, no matter how healthy! (Note AP is not a drinker and never has been but the best I can describe their walk is how drunk people move sort of side-to-side as if they're on a boat?).

AP took it in their head to go horseback riding...again, because this friend has a horse boarded somewhere and goes. Thankfully, AP could not swing their leg over the saddle with or without help/a mounting block so the stable refused to let them ride.

Those are the most recent ideas but they're never-ending. As I said, the elder friend is extremely active and since they're doing a holiday Turkey Trot, my AP has been heavily hinting that we should drive two hours out of town to a running shoes store so that they can join said friend for that.

AP has so far been rejecting invites and activities with their friends who are more suited to their mobility and other abilities, citing those as "old people" activities. I hope AP realizes that they are an old person soon, because this "I'm still twenty-one" mentality has me highly anxious for their safety.

My dad (89) has fairly advanced dementia that really become apparent about 4 years ago. My mom (83) has been caring for him in their huge home that they absolutely refuse to move out of. Her own cognition is starting to decline in pretty noticeable ways, her memory is clearly failing, and she recently got a 23/30 on the SLUMS test and refused further testing (which I only know about because I have medical POA and access to her online health records).

They're able to kind of muddle along, but she's starting to have more and more issues with household management. She was historically the one who's handled bills and finances but they're having issues with things like bill pay. I've tried to get some bills on autopay but they keep having to close credit cards and accounts. A sibling and I have a reasonably good eye on their finances and they aren't getting scammed or losing massive amounts of money, but things like getting the cable bill paid before services are shut off is getting increasingly problematic. They're also at the point where they can't troubleshoot tech, handle home maintenance, etc.

Caring for my dad is getting increasingly intensive and it's crystal clear that they should be in independent or assisted living but they've been refusing it for a decade. My siblings and I live out of town and help where we can, but aren't there day to day.

Has anyone hired a sort of household manager to go in and support their aging parents with things like bill pay, home maintenance, tech troubleshooting, etc? What type of security checks would exist since they'd have access to sensitive financial data?

Has anyone had success in making peace with a very elderly’s decision to ignore all suggestions concerning a safe living arrangement? My very elderly mother lives in her own apartment, she won’t wear the Life Alert, she will not consider Independent Living with call buttons and a 24/7 desk, and she talks like she will have a home care agency come but she cancels the service If I leave town. She doesn’t drive, and she can’t operate Uber. She does order her own groceries. Her apartment complex is very transient, and she doesn’t know her neighbors.

I’m the only person who helps her stay in her own apartment, and the stress is detrimental to my health. I realize I need to just let go of the stress and realize that I can’t control her or any crisis she may encounter. I have a milestone birthday soon and want to go on a short trip. She will be entirely alone without any backup plan for me. But I’m at an age where I could become ill or where my spouse could become ill. Again, there is no backup plan at all.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to accept this situation and to ratchet down my anxiety?

learned my mom has Covid again and hasn’t gotten any better in 3 weeks. for context she is severely obese, it’s gotten worse over the years and now she can’t get up the stairs without clinging onto the railing and she’s severely out of breath with one flight. She used can hardly cook anymore without it flooring her and can’t go on holiday without struggling so much and the last time she struggled fit in the seats when even at a large size in the past we we’re able to go on holiday and she would be able to do things and fit on the plane.

I am worried because of how slow her recovery is, how badly her breathing has gotten in the last year, she now has two hernias which I think may be due to her weight because she hardly moves or goes out apart from grocery shopping and occasionally my dad can get her out on a walk but she just refuses. she has other health issues largely lipedema and swollen legsb which makes it hard to walk. But the lack of movement can’t be any better???

She knows she needs to make changes and she has a blood clot on her lungs last year but I fear nothing has gotten through and my father my sibling and I are just worried that she’s going to die / have a serious health event that she may not recover from.

GLP-1’s are designed for her and she was going to but then saw Tik toks about side effects and doesn’t want to do it. But I try to say her weight staying as it is, is more dangerous than the side effects which can be monitored by doctors. She’s in the 50s and I feel like every year it’s a worry if she will live because she gets flus and Covid regularly and recovers so poorly. I myself am disabled so I know the difficulties but I have conditions that are not curable, a lot of her struggles would be made easier with loss of weight and I worry she’s running out of time. I am not shaming her weight I am worried about the impact of what is morbid obesity is doing to her. It’s killing her and my whole family have tried talking to her, offering support for the journey and there’s nothing different in the last 5 years honestly.

I just needed to vent bc I am so worried.

Hi all! My 86 year old grandpa recently was told he’s no longer allowed to drive. He’s taken this news very devastatingly and is a wreck over it. He also does not seem to understand why he can’t drive anymore.

Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate with him about why it has to be that way? He’s been taking it out on my dad (who has absolutely no emotional intelligence in the slightest).

Also, recommendations for clubs/activities/hobbies he can engage in would be appreciated. Part of why he hates not being able to drive is because he feels stuck inside his house all day. I feel so bad for him.

Thank you all!

Hi guys. Apologies if this comes out jumbled but I’m feeling pretty frazzled at the moment. Actually all the time lately. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.

my mom (70) who was fully independent and showed no real signs of cognitive decline previously spent some time in the hospital for a colon resection during which she was diagnosed as having hospital delirium. She was admitted August 28. I’m pretty sure it started after she came out of anesthesia for an emergency colonoscopy, at least that’s when she started asking strange questions like where her mom was (she passed 3 years ago). That combined with the noise, lack of food and sleep, and general discomfort of being poked and prodded every few hours did a real number on her. Then she had to go under again for the surgery which lasted several hours. I brought up her new memory issues to the anesthesiologist but everything happened so fast and he basically told me there was no other choice, and that she could be fine or she could get worse. It would just be a risk we’d have to take.

After being discharged to home it seemed like it had shifted to hyperactive delirium because she spent a couple nights unable to sleep, just literally talking all night (mostly nonsense or jumbled childhood memories). Then she had a fainting spell and had to be readmitted to the hospital for a bowel obstruction. After another 6 days there (so, 16 in total) she was discharged to an SNF for rehab. We spent 3 weeks there. I was by her side the entire time save for some breaks here and there and another overnight hospital stay due to a fall (hit her head, admitted to hospital for scans that showed a small brain bleed that stopped within a few hours). She was having terrible anxiety at night, basically sundowning and hallucinating bugs and rats in the room. She was put on low dose mirtazipine and trazodone to help her sleep, which only helped a little bit. Now she’s been at home for almost a week, and though the hallucinations have stopped, her memory is all over the place. Short term memory almost zero and long term is spotty at times too, or she’ll mix things up from her distant past like it’s on shuffle mode. A couple times throughout all of this I saw HER, the version I’ve always known, peek through. We even had a conversation once where she realized something wasn’t right with her thinking; she looked at me and broke into tears, apologizing for putting me through this and begging my forgiveness. It was as if her heart was speaking to me for the first time in weeks, and mine broke knowing it wouldn’t last. 💔

I’ve been reading almost every thread I could find on here about delirium, knowing it’s a waiting game now and it may or may not get better. It was just such a sudden change for us that it’s really turned my whole life upside down. The guilt and worry eats me alive sometimes, though logically I know there was little else I could do but get my mom treated. She also drank alcohol fairly heavily (she was functional but self-medicated that way), and the doctors were made aware of it they but they didn’t do much to address cutting her off cold turkey as she wasn’t presenting withdrawal symptoms like fever, tremors, etc. That compounded with everything else just has me questioning whether I’ll ever get her back. She was the strongest person I know, she ran the household and had everyone in check. I miss her terribly and yeah I know it’s so odd to feel that way about a person who’s still here, but I feel lost without her.

If you’ve read this far and have had any experiences with delirium or sudden cognitive changes like this I’d appreciate input. And just want to say I appreciate this sub and everyone in it. Thanks to you all.

My mom is quickly declining, Alzheimer’s and being confused.

I was thinking of throwing her a little surprise party so that everyone has the chance to tell her how very special she is to them and that they love her.

This way her heart is filled with so much love when she decides she wants to go.

Would this be a good idea?

My parents have been scammed before, mostly small stuff that was easily fixable. My sister and I took away their Amazon account, and PayPal, and even disabled the debit card. I make sure her passwords are changed regularly, even more than my own tbh. But at least when my dad was alive they somewhat kept themselves in check.

Now it’s just my mom and she is willfully stubborn to the point that she won’t ask or tell my sister or I when something happens. Most recently she got locked out of her email and instead of asking for help resetting it she went on local Facebook group and a random guy came to the house. After 20 minutes of telling her why that’s not a great idea she acts like I’m the bully. Before that she got scammed by some handymen who went around finding things wrong to fix, fixing them poorly, and then charging her more to “fix”them again. She lost over $15k on that despite us telling her from the beginning the whole thing was fishy.

we are in the process of getting her out of her house and into independent care but not sure that will help too much in this matter. I have access to some of her banking but just short of being a co-owner because she has been told by her friends that your kids can take your money behind your back . She knows just enough to get herself into situations but not enough to get out of them. She still thinks her Facebook feed are friends sending her links to things and not random scammy ads.

What can you do? I got so mad recently that I told her I hope she has a plan for when she loses all dad’s life work. But really… what can you do to help our parents who don’t want to help themselves?

I'm worried about my mother (72) who lives with me.

Just a little background, my father (83, M) has had extreme anxiety his entire life, and I suspect he has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. That will be relevant later. My mother (75, F) and myself (43, M) are the only other relevant parties for what I've written.

My father had a stroke in early August, and he got extremely lucky on several fronts. My mother (75) found him almost immediately the morning it happened and called an ambulance. They happen to live near one of the best hospitals in the area, the head neurosurgeon just happened to be on call that day, and he was in surgery within an hour of the first stroke symptoms. My father avoided paralysis and any major cognitive issues, but the stroke affected his cerebellum, which controls balance and coordination.

He was in the ICU for a week, and during that time he displayed symptoms of extreme psychosis, something the doctors said is fairly common for stroke victims in the ICU. He immediately started trying to rip the tubes out of his body and resist any attempts from the doctors to help or administer treatment, to the point where he had to be restrained and sedated. He also punched a nurse in the face and split their lip.

Things settled slightly after one week, and he was transferred out of the ICU into a normal hospital room. That first night, he climbed out of his bed to use the bathroom, and fell and broke his hip. The bed had an alarm but by the time the nurses got to him, he was already on the floor. They did an emergency hip replacement the following day.

For the rest of his hospital stay, and afterwards when he transferred to a different hospital for a 2-week stint of rehab, his behavior was so erratic they had to put him on seroquel, a drug usually reserved for people with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. He was able to complete the rehab and be weaned off of the seroquel, and he was released to my parents house, to a room on the first floor in a rented hospital bed, where he has been since early September. I'm living with them temporarily right now, to help with the recovery, and I've been helping my father complete a laundry list of unfinished projects, most related to home or car repair, along with being a caretaker. For reference, I'm currently unemployed.

He's been recovering, slowly, and he gets around using a combination of a walker, wheelchair, and rollator, with help from myself and my mother. While he's more mobile each day, he gets dizzy whenever he sits or stands upright, and he's still extremely unsteady on his feet. I don't think a day goes by that he doesn't almost fall down again, were it not for myself or my mother being there. The hip is actually not an issue anymore, it's just the dizziness. He doesn't seem to be aware of his limitations or the possibility of injury again, or if he is, it's inconsistent. I just learned a word, "Anosognosia", which I think is applicable here.

Due to his anxiety and his tendency to ruminate, he's had issues falling and staying asleep, so his doctor prescribed a low dose antidepressant, Mirtazapine, which has helped even him out slightly. He takes it at night and while it does help him sleep, by around late morning the following day it's largely worn off and he's back to being anxious and irritable. It was a chore to even get him to take that low dose, and he's already refused to take it after an emotional outburst (he's back on it now, but he told my mother at some point to shove the pills up her ass).

There have been a few times recently where he's gotten up on his own, usually during an emotional outburst, which completely scares the crap out of myself and my mother. It seems to be happening at an increasing rate as he gradually becomes more mobile.

Today at 4:30 AM I heard noise coming from the first floor of the house, and I came down to find him using his walker to go to the bathroom in the dark. He has a bottle which he usually uses to urinate in the middle of the night next to his bed, and we've discussed with him the dangers of getting up on his own, but this is the latest example. I couldn't fall back asleep so I'm sitting here writing this.

I foresee a not too distant future where he re-injures himself, likely by breaking his hip again, and I don't know if there's anything I can do to stop it. There will come a time where either myself or my mother won't be there, like what happened tonight, and he'll just fall again, and then we're back to where we started. My mother and I have put our lives completely on hold for this recovery, and all of that time and effort will have been wasted.

I'm honestly not even sure if that's the best course of action but I feel like I'm grasping at straws. I think he needs a different or higher dose of psychiatric medication at least, which is going to be a challenge since he would be resistant to getting diagnosed. I desperately want to get the three of us into therapy but I'm having a lot of trouble finding a family therapist.

My mother and I have already talked about boundaries and what those might look like. She has said if my father has to return to the hospital, she's not going to be there 8 hours a day like the first time. She said she'll go there for 1 hour a day and basically leave him to rot the rest of the time. I'm prepared to talk with him when he gets up this morning and explain that I'm done helping him. I'll still stay around to help my mother with the house, but I'm not going to help with any more of his projects, or spend any more time and energy on my relationship with a man who so desperately wants to kill himself.

I'm not sure how to proceed, or if I'm doing the right thing.

My dad is 80 and someone coerced him into signing an auto loan for them. As of now i don't have any information about the vehicle or the person who had him sign for the vehicle.

Letters have recently been coming to my dad about $12k he owes for damages to a vehicle involved in a hit and run. This accident happened one year ago with the person he signed the loan for. The vehicle was repossessed. I found this out when I took my dad to purchase his own new vehicle. I knew nothing about this car situation.

I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to find the driver of the car. Not sure if an attorney could help. Any suggestions?

Title: Has anyone experienced confusion after severe hyponatremia and eventually fully recovered?
My dad is around 70 and was recently hospitalized for severe hyponatremia (low sodium). His sodium was initially as low as 109 while he was in Armenia, where they corrected it gradually. When he arrived in the US, it was around 123–125 and eventually increased to 132.
Before this, my dad was incredibly sharp, with an amazing memory and absolutely no cognitive issues.
He came home from the hospital three days ago. The first day home, he seemed fine. On the second day, we had quite a few people visiting, and by the time I went to see him that evening, he was extremely confused. He was asking unusual questions, struggling to remember the names of familiar things, and saying things that didn’t quite make sense.
Today, I went back to see him, and I’d say he seemed maybe 10% better than yesterday, but definitely still confused. My sister said he was doing great in the morning, almost completely normal, but gradually became more confused as the day went on.
He sometimes struggles to recall names of familiar foods or objects, mixes up details in conversations, or asks questions he would normally know the answers to. But he also has moments where he’s making jokes, remembering things, and having completely normal conversations.
He’s also been smoking a little, which we’re trying to get him to stop. My family has noticed that he sometimes seems more confused after smoking, although we’re not sure if that’s related.
On his first day at the hospital in the US, about six days ago, he was also given morphine. I’m not sure whether that could have contributed to his confusion.
We’re seeing a neurologist and hoping to get an MRI to investigate further.
I’m honestly terrified that this could be permanent. It’s heartbreaking because he’s always been so intelligent and independent.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with a parent or loved one after severe low sodium or hospitalization? Did they eventually return completely to normal? How long did it take?
I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences.

Sometimes an older parent will complain about pain, dizziness, or other problems at home, but when the doctor asks how they're doing, suddenly everything is fine. I can see how this could make it difficult to get the right help, especially if they don't want you speaking for them.

How do you handle this without making your parent feel like you're correcting them in front of the doctor?

As the title says, I’m in my mid thirties and going through a difficult period. I’m single and currently between jobs (got laid off and not sure what I’m wanting to do next). With the way my life is going, I really can’t see myself getting married or having kids (though I do want them).

I had a wonderful childhood. I was an only child but my parents were (and are) incredible, took me on so many adventures, were there for me, encouraged me, etc. My mom always said how she couldn’t wait for me to meet my person and have kids (she wants grandkids so badly).

My dad is currently dying from cancer. I’ve stepped up a lot this year to help as much as I can, but obviously it’s hard and stressful. My mom organized a trip for the 3 of us as things are going to get harder with my dad’s illness, and it’s been tough. I can just tell how sad they both are, and tonight the conversation turned to me. She expressed her frustration at my instability with relationships and my career, and I didn’t have a response because I agree with her. I don’t know why I struggle so much to find a job I’m passionate about or find a partner I truly connect with. She apologized and said she’s just stressed, but I can tell she meant it and I don’t blame her.

I just wish I had something to show my parents that they could be proud of. As my dad approaches the end of his life and my mom is facing a future alone, it just feels all incredibly bleak and wish I was a better person.

Thank you for reading the ramble, let me know if you’ve ever felt the same.

My 94 year old mom still lives alone. She's amazingly spry and still plays the piano, bridge, attends a community college class twice a week, sings in a choir, walks daily, hosts a weekly game night, and has other social activities. She also does everything right health-wise: low fat, high fiber diet, sunscreen, exercise, sleep, etc. But she has the tissue-paper skin of a 94 year old, and this week she reached for a large empty cardboard box on a garage shelf and it fell, slicing her forearm. It was bad.

I live 5 minutes away and we went to urgent care. She's fine now. What surprised me was how despondent she was about it. She is usually a very upbeat, positive person. But she said that this injury, which ultimately wasn't even serious, made her feel old and "feeble" because she was "doing something a normal person should be able to do" and she hates that her skin has become so thin and easily injured. It's the idea of it being a physical sign of her aging and completely out of her control.

My mom can be a very difficult person to deal with, self-centered and critical. Much of her self-care has been motivated by vanity, and she loves that people are shocked when they learn how old she is. But this was tough to witness. I can't really help her with this. She is 94, and her skin is 94.

I guess I just wanted to post here because we're all watching our aging loved ones go through trials of one kind or another.

My parents are in their 70s with my dad being older and less healthy (several mini-strokes and early stage dementia). My sister and I both live several hours away and have begged them to move closer to one of us, but they refuse. They also refuse any kind of in-home care or nursing bc they are paranoid that they will get robbed.

When they have medical emergencies, we both have to drop everything and make the trip back. It is becoming more and more difficult since this now happens a few times a year. We are both full time working moms who have to report in person daily.

I am looking for any creative ideas or services that we could use? They are in a major metropolitan area, but no longer feel comfortable driving.

My husband and his brothers will be having the talk with his dad. His dad controls the finances and is secretive and stubborn. He’s been the glue that is holding it all together. His mom doesn’t know anything and probably had dementia. His dad had cancer and is in his 80’s. His health is starting to really decline now that we all need to step in but how do you when you know nothing and that parent doesn’t want to share?

Both my parents have passed and with my dad, he was super easy to handle everything and it helped that my stepmom knew what was going on. And my stepmom was smart to know she couldn’t live alone so she moved in with a friend.

My husband’s parents are just a mystery and stubborn. And I know his mom doesn’t like me. Heck, they ended up calling his brother who is much farther than we are for help.

Is there any tips to get things moving forward so we have a smooth transition to helping them?

My mother has turned 70 and has started having situations where something small has upset her but she will Frankenstein several different events into one large fabricated event that upset her and will emotionally respond at that scale instead of the small starting point. I have read lots on identifying early signs of cognitive decline and what to do but if I use those skills she picks up on them as elder care related stuff which puts her off even more into a rage. She hates the perception that she would need such management and will hold this emotional outrage until she hears an apology for events that never happened. But yet she wants us to process it as if it's normal. If you apologize but she knows you think it didn't happen, she will feel you are managing her. I feel like I'm ready for when she won't notice using the tools but I'm really struggling at this early stage. TY for any advice.

My father is 73 and has been abusing prescription drugs for 30 years. He also has bipolar disorder and has been on psychotropic medications that I believe have contributed to his cognitive issues. Now that he is older and his cognition is worse I wonder if taking care of him is enabling him since he still engages in substance abuse.

He has been deemed non decisional by the last psychiatrist at the hospital. By helping him with his finances (paying bills when he forgets but he also spends money on drugs), managing doctor’s appointments and caregivers, helping him clean, etc. am I enabling him since he is still an addict even though he doesn’t have cognitive abilities to manage his estate and health care decisions?

He spends all of his money on drugs but needs to save it for an assisted living he will eventually be in. He should be living there now but refuses to leave because he wants to smoke indoors.

Is taking financial control via guardianship considered enabling?

I want to practice naranon principles but can I when he is now cognitively impaired.

I am also posting to the addiction groups.

Idk if it's the years of people pleasing, but now with my parents respectively in their 70s and 80s, I dread so much about going home. For context, I'm 36, live in the Midwest (they live down south) and I always go back to their house on Christmas with my husband.

Things that have happened:
-I got married, finished grad school, and am finally living a life I'm excited about. I remember them being supportive at one point but now it feels like they have absolutely no interest in my life yet seem obsessed with my brother's life, work, and kids. When we have gone on trips with them, they fixate on my husband and will not ask me a single thing.
-my mom had a situation where she had an insane headache, couldn't see, had high fever, etc. we thought it might be a stroke which I believe they ruled out when she was forced to go to the ER, but since then I notice she's more angry/bitter/negative and talks about the same things over and over. They called it a migraine mixed with the residual effects of influenza A. She got really really spiteful toward my dad and I during this event and refused to get follow up care. When I tried to talk to her about some of the wild things she said to me, she said "she didn't remember any of that" but when I pushed she definitely seemed to know what I was talking about.
-I know my mom has always lived vicariously through me, and really overly invested in my world in a way that kept my life very small. My dad isn't emotionally reliable, and is very avoidant (has Vietnam trauma) so I think my mom's main source of social support and stimulation was through me. I moved plenty of times in my early 20s and she didn't seem too bothered, but this time when I moved away from them to get married she was constantly guilt tripping me. (Ex, when I got my first job out of school after completing my masters she cried and lamented how this would take up even more of my time and I would visit even less)

I guess I'm feeling resistant to going home this year. Part of me feels obligated - they're getting old. I'm so sick of playing this role though. How do you guys navigate your parents lacking interest, not asking questions, and being overall negative? I'm a therapist so I do my very best to set boundaries and to bring up things that bother me, to absolutely no progress or avail. I'm torn between being the reliable daughter and wanting to avoid them because they make me feel like a 2D version of myself.