So, 61M and 47F been married 6 years. We have had lots of drama and trauma in the house. It’s been very emotional and working with therapists because that’s only one aspect of the deadness. I had prostate cancer surgery which was supposed to be nerve sparing but not. Also I have cardiac issues. The cardiac issues also complicate my libido which is almost non-existent. Both of which have now made me have no erections at all. I also have venous leakage which doesn’t help. Wife now is in menopause, which along with severe adult ADHD and mental health issues makes intimacy next to impossible. I have tried PDE5 which no longer even work. I went the Trimix route and it put me in the ER on two separate occasions. I tried several ways to get a strap on involved but she complains because it isn’t natural. Then I spent money on a natural feeling one and then it was either too big or too small or too thin or too big. I am open to anything. She’s says we shouldn’t even think about penile implant because she will probably break it and put me in the hospital. HELP

I posted a couple months ago about my dead bedroom after my husband and I started trying for a baby. A lot of new information has arose since then. Posted below is a link to my previous post.

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/g4J4sv8PFX\](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/g4J4sv8PFX)

To start where we left off a month after posting, my husband went to the hospital for a severe infection on his foot caused by athletes foot. He almost lost his big toe. I was oblivious to the fact that he stopped taking his insulin and other diabetic medication when he finalized his divorce with his previous wife.

With his diabetes unchecked for so long it got so bad so fast and thats when he finally told his Dr. that he stopped taking his insulin. He told no one including me, and his parents, so we all found out at the same time. I always assumed he was taking it because to my understanding you could die without it as a diabetic. I was really hurt and upset that he let himself go like this. It explains why he has no libido, no energy or no motivation when it comes to doing extracurricular things.

Also another reason why we miscarried because sperm cells that are damaged is one of the leading causes for miscarriages. Ignoring your diabetes that long will damage your sperm. He told his doctor the reason he stopped taking his medicine is because he didn't have enough money to buy it after he divorced his ex wife and had to take on the bills.

I have a hard time understanding why he would just stop taking medicine instead of reaching out for help if he couldn't pay for it. Especially when it's detrimental to him. After I told his parents, they have the same reaction as I do. They don't understand why he didn't reach out and ask for help, they would have paid for his medication without a fuss. I would also paid for his medication as his previous girlfriend if I knew he didn't have enough money.

Good news he is taking his insulin regularly. Especially since I've been making sure and reminding him every single day. I feel like I have to play nurse with him, because he's going to forget and get hurt badly again. I've decided to accept my dead bedroom until he gets his health in order. There is no way you can have a healthy sex life if you don't take care of your body first.

My only concern is, how long do I have to play this role, or is this my permanent role in our marriage. I believe everybody has a set of responsibilities for themselves in order to live and thrive in life, and if I have to make sure he has to take his medicine everyday in order to live I'm not sure if I actually want that responsibility added to my stack, I already have.

I'm not going to pursue him anymore. I definitely loss some attraction I had because of him not putting his health first. Also him not telling anyone about his decision to self sabotage his health. I will always accept any affection he gives me but I will be focusing on my household and child more, especially with the holidays coming up. He needs to show me his health matters before we even procreate. I'll bring it up again in January and go from there. Advise is welcomed but this post was to mostly vent and update.

Hey all just another vent that I’ll likely delete in a few weeks.
Im struggling to not be a resentful prick and just accept that with my wife’s health issues which leave her always zapped and for all purposes A-sexual (and lack of general affection anyway haha) that there is simply just no scenario we are ever going to have any sexual intimacy let alone a cuddle.
It’s either I am too: hot, cold, sweaty, hairy, dirty, been “rude”, not helping her relax, been stressing her out.
Or she’s too: fatigued, hot, sweaty, clean, stressed from work, stressed by her family etc etc
She has no desire in a sexual way nor physical/mental strength (or desire too) want to help foster a sexual relationship between us.
Life sure has shitty turns.
Could be much worse though so shouldn’t complain (but I will as all I think about is we are getting older and use it or lose it is multiplying the situation every year that the longer we go without the greater the likelihood we will never again.

Shitty to think I’m not yet fifty , we haven’t had a sexual relationship for over a decade , … and I’ve now had the last sexual experience I’m ever going to have.

i (24f) and my fiance (23m) have been struggling.
i am on 150 mg of zoloft and my sex drive has plummeted, i’ve struggled with this for a while i was on birth control for a LONG time and that basically ruined it. i got off and it came back (shocker) but i then got on zoloft maybe a year or so later. and im back to square one it feels like.

i’m in search of help, i want to increase my drive, not by some insane amount. i’ve read what feels like everything i could and now im looking for other peoples input.

my preferred option is not to go on another medication, a supplement or a natural remedy would be best as i try and keep my life as holistic as possible (not perfect tho)

i’m very healthy, i work out 4/5x a week, i eat well my life feels balanced i suppose i am just at a loss tho.

Thank you in advance

My (39m) wife (38f) of 16 years was LL even before being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and began having frequent migraines. At our absolute best we were having sex about once a month. Now the dry spells are so long I don’t remember the last time we did anything more than me just squeezing her butt and telling her how beautiful and desirable she is to me.

Except she talks frequently about how bad she feels about not being more sexual with me, how she feels like a bad partner because of it, how she worries about me feeling like I’m just a caregiver, nothing more. Some of the barrier is the nebula of symptoms and conditions surrounding her MS, but not all of it.

Six weeks ago she had a sobbing meltdown. We’d made plans to set a day aside to try for intimacy. She was feeling good, not too tired, no pain, freshly showered… all the little barriers had been cleared away and the big ones weren’t present.

And then she decided to use that energy and that lack of pain to buy a new video game and play it for eight hours straight. She played until she was tired and achey and as I was helping her get ready for bed she melted down about how she’d “let me down” and promising she would try harder to remember that I have sexual needs and to value them. She told me how afraid she was that I’d get tired of holding on to hope, that I’d feel like Charlie Brown and she was Lucy pulling the sex-football away. She promised she’d be better about taking care of me.

Nothing has improved in those 6 weeks. We’ve had multiple conversations about trying for something, anything since then and it goes nowhere. At this point I think I’d settle for a disinterested HJ while she watches TV. And I get it - she has plenty of days where pain and fatigue make it impossible, but on the pain-free days I’d like to feel wanted just once.

I’m starting to lose interest in trying any more. I love her dearly, but I don’t feel like a husband any more, just a roommate and caregiver. Opening the marriage is out of the question, and I can’t imagine leaving her - especially with the looming possibility of the MS progressing and her losing mobility or worse.

I'm 55f and my husband is 55m. Around 12-13 years ago my husband felt horrible and went to Urgent Care. Long story short, he was hospitalized and found out he had diabetes and high blood pressure. He spent the next couple of years getting med adjustments until he seemed to find the right combo.

Around the same time, our sex life began to seriously decline to once every few months. Then it just stopped. Whenever I tried to bring it up, he acted like I had unrealistic expectations and was over sexual. Finally after more than a decade of no sex I asked him if he was gay.

He finally said it was his Metoprolol. He said he tried many times to get his doctor to take him off it. But his doctor is a woman and he was too embarrassed to tell her the problem. He would just say he wanted a different med, she would say his blood pressure was good, no need for a change.

I got him to insist she refer him to a male specialist. She didn't want to. She kept arguing his BP was fine. She finally relented after two months of near daily requests. He saw the male doctor a few days ago. He is now being tapered off the Metoprolol and tapered on to a med that doesn't have sexual side effects.

I'm excited for him to be done with the Metoprolol. And I'm scared too. What if he finds he still has no interest? Or what if it's too awkward and weird after so long with no sex. Is it actually possible to return to a normal sex life after such a long time without sex?

My wife (32f) and I (36m) have been together for over 10 years, we have a wonderful life together, living in our dream home, with our beautiful almost 7 year old daughter.

Our marriage has been through a tremendous amount of stress and trauma over the years:

- During my wife's pregnancy with our daughter, we went through a very traumatic pregnancy/birthing experience. At one of the lowest points in our relationship, while she was pregnant and off her anxiety medication, I became angry and threatened to leave. I regret that and recognize that it may have affected her sense of safety in our relationship.
- We ultimately had an emergency C-section and made it through the experience.
- Before our daughter turned one, I was diagnosed with cancer and had significant physical and emotional struggles dealing with it.
- My wife later lost her mother unexpectedly.
- I was diagnosed with cancer a second time.
- My wife's aunt, whom we were extremely close to, died after a difficult cancer battle.
- We currently have ongoing health concerns involving my father-in-law, who lives with us.
- My wife has significant anxiety, low self-worth, negative self-talk, and has described feeling like she is in "survival mode."
- She has said things such as "I don't deserve you," "I hate myself," and that she feels terrible about hurting me.
- She is in therapy and sees a psychiatrist for medication management. I have also participated in therapy sessions with her when appropriate.

We have talked about our intimate relationship, and my wife wants it to get better sharing that after our wedding is her ideal goal.

I’m just at a lost, not sure what to do. I can’t imagine my life without her but at the same time I miss being intimate with her. Does anyone have any ideas on what I should do or have success stories?

TL;DR: 43M, lifelong ED plus a cluster of symptoms (fatigue, poor heat/cold regulation, exercise intolerance, no morning erections) that doctors kept dismissing individually. Now think it's autonomic dysfunction with a hormonal component. On Clomid + tadalafil, partial improvement. Looking for anyone with similar symptoms — what worked for you, what tests helped, which specialists actually took it seriously.

I'm 43, and I've had erectile dysfunction since I was a teenager — first time I tried, at 17, nothing happened, and it's been a recurring issue ever since. For most of my adult life, urologists told me I was "fine" and it was "in my head." For years I just accepted that, even though it never felt true.

It took me a long time to realize the ED was never an isolated problem — not because I wasn't looking into it, but because I'd always been like this. I just thought it was who I was: "I just sweat a lot," "I just snore," "I'm just not a morning person." No doctor ever connected the dots, and neither did I, until recently.

Since high school, I've had:

Fatigue that hits fast and specifically in my legs — 20 minutes of walking or an hour standing and I feel it; push further and I'm wiped out the rest of the day

Heavy sweating regardless of season, but cold feet (sometimes hands), and cold, retracted genitals

Ongoing, unexplained digestive issues

A strange exercise pattern — strong at weightlifting/anaerobic work, but aerobic exercise is limited. I can sustain effort around 120bpm, but once I hit ~150bpm I can't breathe and have to stop

Lifelong snoring, poor sleep, very hard time waking up

Never once had a morning erection, as far back as I can remember

Some of this has been the hardest part to explain to my partner over the years — it's not just "not being in the mood," it's a body that doesn't seem to cooperate no matter what either of us wants.

What I've done so far:

Sleep apnea test: came back mild, doctor said no treatment needed. Started CPAP + humidifier anyway — sleep improved noticeably.

Urology: dismissed for years despite consistently low-normal testosterone (~350, "within range" so untreated).

Endocrine: recently started Clomid — testosterone now ~600, energy and libido much improved, but erections still inconsistent even with better T.

Vitamins: B12 and D were flagged very low about a year ago, now supplementing, need to retest.

Cardiology: penile Doppler and vein checks came back normal, despite clear circulation-type symptoms (cold extremities, cold genitals). My effort/stress test wasn't done properly — doctor stopped it before I reached a real target intensity — so I need to redo that before trusting the result.

Neurology: seen a general neurologist, not an autonomic specialist. Planning to find one and also do a 24hr Holter/EKG.

Current regimen: Clomid daily, tadalafil as needed. On good days (when the fatigue/autonomic symptoms are milder) plus tadalafil, it works. On bad days, nothing helps. Not exactly something you can plan a sex life around.

My working theory, after a lot of my own digging, is some form of autonomic dysfunction with a hormonal component layered on top — but "autonomic" is a huge umbrella and I know I need better specialists to actually pin it down.

This has obviously taken a toll on my relationship over the years — my partner has been patient about it in her own way, but it's clearly a strain none of us really knew how to talk about early on. I'm not looking for sympathy so much as: has anyone dealt with this specific combination of symptoms? What tests actually got you answers? What treatments helped, and did fixing the underlying issue ever translate into more reliable erections?

My 35F boyfriend 32M experienced MST when he was in the military
At the beginning of our relationship our sex life was really good, although I had no clue this was a factor in things, over time our bedroom has died
Leaving me feeling sad, unattractive, unwanted etc. and questioning why he suddenly turned me away.
He got really angry and informed me of the MST letting me know this makes him hate sex, it’s not enjoyable for him and me asking or making comments makes it worse. He also said there will be no more discussion surrounding it.
While I understand that trauma is the cause I’m struggling with the lack of desire to seek therapy, or even talk to me about what boundaries look like etc. leaving me now not knowing what to do, I’m not going to pressure or coerce him into anything but not putting the work in is hard for me
I did tell him I wanted us to make sex feel safe for him
He’s discussed adding a 3rd person in but I told him that does concern me if sex feels unsafe I feel like adding another M into the mix is a recipe for disaster and could destroy our relationship. But he’s so closed off to any discussion that I’m just at a loss
I’m looking for others who have MST affecting their SL

My husband and I have been together for a few years, and we've reached a point where we've taken all sexual activity off the table. We still cuddle, kiss, hug, and are affectionate with each other, but I have absolutely no desire for anything sexual anymore.

This isn't because I don't love him or find him attractive. It's because I've lived with vulvar pain since I was a child. Penetration has always been painful, and after years of trying to push through it, I just can't mentally do it anymore. Even thinking about sexual activity fills me with anxiety because I associate it with pain.

I've been through years of doctor appointments and was recently evaluated by a specialist who believes my pain is nerve-related. I have tried many, many different creams and medications and I recently completed pelvic floor physical therapy, but unfortunately none of it has Improved my symptoms. At this point, surgery may be the next option if my doctors ultimately determine I'm a good candidate. The problem is that surgery isn't something we can realistically do anytime soon. My husband and I are both working two jobs, and we need several years to save enough money and for me to be able to afford taking about six weeks off work for recovery. Realistically, we're probably looking at another 3–4 years before that's even possible.

My husband has a much higher libido than I do. He has told me multiple times that he misses intercourse. I completely understand why he feels that way. The difficult part is that he also doesn't like masturbating because it makes him uncomfortable, so that isn't really a solution for him either. I feel guilty because I know this isn't the marriage either of us pictured. At the same time, I can't force myself to have sexual experiences when my body experiences it as pain.

Has anyone else been in a relationship where one partner has a long-term medical condition that completely took sex off the table?

How did you both cope with the years of waiting and uncertainty without resentment building?

I'm especially interested in hearing from couples who stayed emotionally close even when sexual intimacy wasn't possible.

If this isn’t the place to talk about this, please feel free to delete.

I’m almost 1 month post op. And something that has crossed my mind lately is the fact I just /know/ I will never be intimate again. I won’t bore with too many details, but for my partner and I it was already a very rare occurrence for them to want that from me.(Think less than 30 times in 7 years.) To the point I’ve had several breakdowns about it over the course of the 7 years we’ve been together. Now, looking at my body, my self esteem has gone from 0 into the negatives. Jokes are made about my body to try and lighten the seriousness of what has happened, but I know deep down we both know they just will never be attracted to me sexually again after this.

I feel like I’m back to square one. I had managed to cope with it just not being something we do for whatever reason, and now knowing I am the sole focal reason because of my ostomy is devastating me all over again. They care about me, I know that, just not in that way. It just… It hurts. I can’t help but cry. It’s such a dumb thing to be so upset about given I just almost died and should just be happy I’m alive, but I feel like I’m mourning the loss of even the possibility of ever being close with someone I love like that again. I’m 30, so I should be old enough and mature enough to just be okay with it, but it’s bothering me so bad again.

What can I do to cope? I want to move past this and just be happy to be alive, but right now it’s weighing heavily on me and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a year and a half ago and my sex drive has been pretty low compared to what it used to be. Me and my partner have sex maybe once a week sometimes once a month depending on my flare ups.
I have had a migraine for almost two weeks straight, I have had a couple day breaks and some days I will get a break for it for a couple hours, when I get breaks from it tho my first thought isn’t sex it is chores, hanging out with our pets, helping her do her hair or other non sexual affection with her, and getting out of the house.
I can tell she is upset about not having sex and it stresses me out, puts some pressure on me in a way and I don’t know how to handle it. Makes me feel like I’m not enough. Yesterday she mentioned it lightly not wanting to make me feel bad about it and then a couple hours later I could tell she was upset because she was quiet and not very responsive and when I asked her if anything was wrong she kept saying no but after 3 years together I know when something is wrong and that frustrated me and I started crying. I told her that it really bothers me but she can’t control how she feels either so we didn’t really get anywhere and this is a reoccurring conversation that just goes nowhere.
I’m just exhausted by the migraines and on top of it my gf is sad and disassociating when I’m trying to use the little energy I have to spend time with her and do something nice for her. She feels bad and I feel bad and idk what to do. Every time I have a long flare up it’s like this.
She needs sexual physical affection to feel wanted and sometimes I just can’t give that to her, and it not like I go days without touching her at all in that way, sometimes it’s just low energy because I am so physically drained but it never feels like it’s enough.
And when I have a migraine for days straight I forget that it’s been a while and then she is sad and it feels like so much.

Title explains it.

When we got together, we started college together living at my parents house. Both parents working, we were having sex 2-3 times a day.

My dad retired, mom works less, they’re always home, always in our business and never give us a moment of privacy, they treat us like teens.

Both my fiancée and I work full time jobs and are trying to afford to get our own place. It’s so expensive but we’re trying.

It’s gotten to the point where it has impacted our affection towards each other. The I love you’s have slowed, we no longer touch really, hold hands, hug, anything.

We’re still attracted to each other, we talk about sex and things but it never happens.

It’s gotten to the point of where we have sex maybe once a week or once every couple weeks.

She said from her side it’s stress from being at my parents still and feeling stuck because we can’t afford to move out yet and stress from work and us having no privacy.

When we do have sex now it almost feels awkward, it’s like we have to learn how to have sex with each other again every time we do it.

I’ve brought up having sex at night but she said it’s just so awkward with my parents down the hall and she wants to be loud, not quiet.

I don’t know where to from here.

It’s not a lack of effort, we both try, I try more than her and it just seems like she sometimes uses the aforementioned things as excuses to not have sex at this point.

However she will tease me endlessly and say all these things she wants to do, then never does them and says it’s because she’s stressed.

I’m so confused.

I'm 26ftm, my partner is 30nb and we've been together for almost 8 years now.

We met online and we've both been disabled since the very beginning, but both of our disabilities have gotten worse over time and we've both gained new ones along the way - and ended up finding out we both had some of the same disabilities as well (hEDS, POTS, MCAS).

I should start off by saying our bedroom has been dead on and off our entire relationship but it was really active at the beginning. We both live on either side of the country and I used to fly down every 3-4 months to stay with them for 2-3 weeks at a time. But then covid happened and I couldn't fly down to see them because they're immunocompromised and I'd they catch covid at all, they will most likely die. It was 3 years into covid until we could risk me coming to visit, 3 years without seeing each other in person. This really killed it for us sexually and a lot emotionally .

Before covid we were planning on having me potentially move down there but it's at the point where I'm not sure it's ever going to happen.

It's been over a year since I was last able to visit. And we'd not had sex at all during that time or the couple of times before that either. During covid my partner's endometriosis got a lot worse and they had to have 2 surgeries 1-2 years apart to remove scar tissue pulling their ovaries out of place. They had an issue with their IUD (for the endo) that was causing severe hormonal and emotional issues for a while so bad they wouldn't barely let me even hug them during that time. So their health has been pretty bad and their energy has gotten a lot worse.

My partner can't fly to visit me because of the risk of covid, so me visiting is the only way I can see them. It's been over a year since my last visit since my own health also began getting worse in late 2024 - an issue that's been slowly building an only now has been addressed properly - I've developed an unspecified autoimmune disease that has completely tanked my health.

I honestly just don't even know what to do anymore. When I'm there now it often just feels like we're roommates. I love them so much and I've asked time and time again if there's a problem and I'm always told there isn't. I've asked if they're just not interested anymore and they've told me they still are. I've asked if they're just not interested in sex anymore but they've told me they still are, but I just barely know what to do.

Our relationship is a lot more than just sex, very obviously so since we've made it 8 years long distance through a pandemic and a hoard of health issues.

I don't want to break up with them at all, they're the love of my life, but the lack of any intimacy has really killed a lot of our relationship and even more so with both of our growing medical needs.

I just feel so lost and barely know what to do anymore.

There are so many various layers to our relationship I won't go into otherwise it'll end up being 50 pages long but 90% of it is shit that's out of our control or economical factors.

To add some small context though: we currently can't move in together because I'm on a disability pension and they're not (their family gives them money to live off monthly). By Australian law, if you're on a disability pension and you live with a partner, your pension will be subtracted by your partner's income, which often leaves most disabled people earning $0 in pension money, forced to rely on their partner's income and to have a two person household rely on one income.

It's an archaic rule that essentially punishes disabled people for finding love. The rule doesn't apply if you live with family or friends or strangers, ONLY if you live with someone you're in a relationship with (even if you only just started dating them).

Gf has endo, for those that don’t know there’s no cure. There’s “treatment” which amounts to pain management, there is a surgery to burn off the excess endo tissue but it’s temporary and it will grow back anywhere from 2 months to five years.

We’ve been saying for over four years, the first year and a half we had sex constantly. She’s obviously always had endo but the symptoms didn’t start getting really bad until around this time. Extreme pain during period to the point of having to call out of work, and spontaneous less severe pain in between them.

Sex hurts her, it’s not even just penetration (we’re both women so we could have sex without penetration at all), it’s the uterus clenching during orgasm itself. She’s kind of developed a fear of sex all together. She never initiates, and doesn’t really even kiss me for fear I’ll want to keep going. I just wish sometimes that she would want to pleasure me without me asking. But I get why she doesn’t. It’s like the fact that she can’t drink, why would you want to go to a bar with friends if they can all drink and you just have to watch?

What really truly upsets me is she won’t get any pain management treatment. She tried birth control one time and it gave her really bad side effects so she stopped (thank god). But including that time she’s only ever been to doctors twice. She felt dismissed both times, as the second doctor also recommended a different BC and she didn’t want to do another pill, I wish she had at least given us a chance to research that BC first though. Apparently the first one wasn’t even correct to prescribe for endo. I’ve offered to pay for anything she wanted to try, cover cost completely.

But even outside of medical treatment, she doesn’t even take the supplements I get for her or do pelvic floor therapy even though she keeps saying she will. I don’t get not wanting to at least try non-medical options that won’t cure but may lessen her pain. I hate seeing her crumble every month.

I’d be ok if she kissed me more or told me how hot I am every once in a while or would at least respond to sexy pics I rarely send. Any time I send one it usually is just ignored and then eventually gets a “sorry I didn’t see this” response or “pretty”, or sometimes just ignored and not mentioned. It’s humiliating and I get so embarrassed. But for some reason I still try once every three months.

I feel undesired and ugly. My self confidence is dead. I know I’m attractive, I’m often told. I fought very hard to be happy with my body, I lost 75 lbs. But I still feel fat and disgusting. I feel like I’m losing all the awesome fun sex I could have in my twenties. I cried the other night because my mom is having more sex than I am.

We actually tried to have sex (taking care of me) the other day and I couldn’t even get close. She was in top of me and I’m glad she couldn’t see my face because I started crying as I realized I couldn’t be satisfied without touching her. She didn’t see me cry, but when I told her it just wasn’t gonna happen today she started crying and said she felt like she’d done irreparable harm to our relationship. I don’t think she’s at fault at all, but I think she may be right that the irreparable harm is there and I’m scared.

I hate this. I drink more.

I know I’m saying “me me me” a lot in this, but I fucking hate this for her. None of it is her fault. She would never have asked for this. I hate how much pain she’s in every month. I hate how many events she misses out on because of the pain. I hate how embarrassed she feels when she brings heating pads to work or tries to quietly cry at her desk from pain. I hate how little research there is on this condition.

I just hate this.

Low libido affecting marriage

Hello all!

I (32m) dont know where else to turn or what even to do anymore.

I currently have a lower libido, or at the very least a weakened sex drive that has been getting lower and lower for years to the point where no i get scared, i literally get a feeling of panic when sex is mentioned. I am currently married to my wife (f30) and it has come to a point now where it has completely ruined our relationship.

I have had (what I can remember the best I can) performance anxiety on and off for many years. My current wife is the only sexual partner I've ever had. The first time we had sex was great! But somewhere down the line I began to get performance anxiety, for the feeling that I need to "get hard" right at the moment when we are supposed to have sex, and if I dont then I feel immensely guilty and ashamed. And in the first few years of our relationship, I didnt know what this was or even how to explain these feelings and thus my wife (then gf) felt rejected and got very upset. I'm honestly not sure if my.brain just held on to moments like this or if it just members the feelings associated.

After learning about what performance anxiety is, my wife was actually very understanding and supportive, even being patient and taking time to talk and help me through these feelings, but I think this is where I feel I contribute to my own problem. I tend to be the one who holds their tongue and "try to move on" whenever my wife does or says something i dont like or hurts me. I dont say anything and these feelings tend to stay or even fester into (maybe) resentment according to her. I love my wife so much, but now even she feels that i resent her or even dont like her after months of no sex. I love her, i want to let these bad moments and bad feelings go, ive tried talking meditating etc. And i remember even having not often but good and even great sex in thr recent past, but now its like my body has a mind of its own and freezes up whenever sex is even brought into the conversation.

And to top everything off, I am obese. 300+lbs with visceral gut fat, and pre-diabetic. And a recent tret reveals that I've been having decreasing testosterone levels for a couple years. So now im wondering is THIS the culprit of why my libido is lower? And in all truth, my wife has been voicing her thoughts and worries about my decaying body, "youre obese, you look like you're dying" not entirely insulting. But just being honest about my situation, but i honestly still dont like them.

Is it my autism? Since even as a younger lad I haven't been really "chasing after girls" but wanting emotional bonds. And I do recall having wonderful connection and sex with my wife....but that was so long ago and I feel like there are so many things that I feel like I need to fix to save our marriage, to make her feel wanted and loved. I just want my body to just let go and enjoy the moment.

Any advice or help is appreciated. I hate myself for having this low/non existent sex drive. But idk if its from my health, our relationship, my autism, all three??

Its honestly so overwhelming I get lost so easily.

I'm a 35M. I've been in a dead bedroom relationship for the last 6 years. I've never had good sex in my life. This is the only serious relationship I've had but I've had causal sexual encounters prior to my current relationship.

My fiance wants to leave because I can't perform. Best I can tell either have have ED or PE and have tried ED medication with limited success. We've tried having sex many times throughout the years but both of us walk away dissatisfied. I'm not in amazing shape but I'm not unfit and I don't seem to have any issues detectable by blood tests. My fiancé's frustrations have also created a huge amount of anxiety for me.

I feel like at this point, I just have a mental block. A constant haze that hangs over me. Even if the relationship ends, I don't think anyone would realistically be willing to be with me given how bad I am. I just wish someone would be patient with me and just hold my hand and teach me how to do it right.

1. ⁠Is it possible to get better at sex at 35 with limited experience? How do I even approach getting better?
   
2. ⁠Are there doctors/therapists that specialize in these types of issues and realistically what can they even do to help me?

Me (LL; 33F); Husband (HL; 35M)

Sex has always been painful for me since I was a teenager (a burning stretching pain). Still, throughout my 20s, I simply thought it was normal and was able to push through the pain to have a thriving physical relationship with my now husband. But as I entered my late 20s/early 30s, the pain started feeling worse. Over the past year I finally felt sick of grimacing through sex and my doctors telling me to just “drink a glass of wine”. I took matters into my own hands and was able to seek out a specialist who focuses on women’s pelvic health. She quickly diagnosed me with a suspected autoimmune disorder, which felt like a relief. Finally something to explain the pain! Finally some potential treatment!!

Over the last year I have spent thousands of dollars fully out of pocket on treatments (because of course my insurance considers a women’s pelvic specialist “experimental”). I have gone through 5 different prescriptions of compounded topical creams. I have had my most intimate areas zapped with a radio frequency rod. I have gone through uncomfortable pelvic floor exercises. I have had nonstop exams at my pelvic dr and my OBGYN. I have had to increasingly advocate for myself to both my OBGYN and my pelvic floor specialist. I’ve had very mild improvements, but nothing is fully eliminating the constant pain.

With my options waning, I now have my OB proposing a very expensive, single use “libido” cream for menopausal women. My pelvic specialist is now proposing vaginal botox… a painful and temporary solution.

I just… I’m so f*cking tired. I’m so sick of feeling broken. I’m so tired of draining my HSA for solutions that don’t work. I’m sick of the pain and medieval torture treatments. And worst of all, I hate how much my condition has impacted intimacy with my husband.

I love my husband. He is good and kind and so caring. He is patient. He is as accommodating as possible. In fact, he straight up has told me that we do not have to have traditional sex for him to be happy...we can do other things. He doesn’t expect intimacy every night or even every week. He doesn’t pressure me into it at all or guilt-trip me. He is truly incredible.

But here lies the problem… over the course of this treatment journey I seem to have developed a new extreme phobia of sexual intimacy of any kind. I now hate being touched sexually and physical touch as a whole. I hate making out. I hate giving. I hate receiving. I hate the feeling of saliva on my body. I hate cuddling. I hate being perceived in a sexual manner. I even find my palms sweating when my husband just hints at initiating or makes a general flirty/sexual innuendo.

When I do my best to give to my husband (even when we aren’t even trying to have penetrative sex), I spend the entire time internally meditating to stop myself from crying or panicking. My chest tightens up. I want to sob when he tries to prolong the session. I feel tense being touched during the experience. I feel guilty for wishing it would end while this wonderful man tells me I’m so beautiful. And sometimes I do cry afterwards… mainly due to the shame and pain of feeling like a broken woman… like there is something seriously wrong with me. My husband always comforts me and tells me I’m not broken and that he is here for me… but I feel so awful. We are both consenting adults…I don’t want him feeling like he is taking advantage of me every time we try to be intimate.

I’m just so exhausted. My husband doesn’t deserve this. I don’t know how to get past this newfound phobia. It’s like I am traumatized or something. I don’t know how to crave or at the very least not completely dread intimacy… I just don’t know what to do…

** New here**

I (32f Hl) my s/o (38m midl) or I'm still in denial, and he's now LL. if I'm being honest.

** S/O was in a car accident back in September of 2023.

** OH THIS IS SUCH A LONG READ NOW THAT IM DONE AND RE READING ** so thanks for hanging in there.

** he is on SSDI as of June 2025

** initial release from the hospital he had 5 broken ribs, a pneumothorax, broke R arm, Shattered R Calcaneus(which is the heal), broke R ankle(between his foot and ankle his foot was as swollen as a softball they were only able to stabilize his ankle and could not worry about his heal at that time, so swollen they were barely able to close up his ankle) with that being said long term that left his calcaneous permanently deformed. he also had an Open R Femur fracture. so his whole Right side was severely injured. * recovery was brutal but we got thru it! and he did awesome had a great attitude and perspective thru every bit of it! I was by his side every step of the way. every dr visit everything. he was non weight bearing for 4 months and when he was released to start bearing weight it was hard on him. I can only imagine basically having to re learn how to walk. but again he hung in there and pushed himself every step of the way as much as he could with out over doing it.

*** in June of 2024 - we found out his femur was non union (which means giving enough time the bones still have not fused back properly) so another surgery where he had an Autograft harvest ( he had a graft done on a part of his R Femur, his L tibia, and also R hip) recovery was hard again non weight bearing for another 3 months. but this time his leg was worse, not only that his one good leg is also enduring a daily pain. he wishes he never had the 2nd surgery done.

** in February of 2025- having no improvement and still hurting daily pretty bad, we found out he needed at Subtalar joint fusion ( needing to fuse his foot and ankle together) hoping for improvement of a better day to day quality of life he proceeds with this surgery. ( they also attempted to autograft some of his calcaneous )

** here in present time of May 2026

Wow what a roller coaster we have been on; and honestly, I still wouldn't change everything we've been thru (as in I don't regret staying by him thru all of this. and I would do it again in a heartbeat because that's just how much I love him.) but now i'm left here just hurting. he is legally disabled as of June 2024.

In May / June 2025 he was weight bearing again, and once again another surgery that did not work in the way he/ we had hoped. He still has daily pain and after so much trauma he endured i guess it is only natural, I mean i am thankful that he is still here with us, and I'll always be thankful for that. I hate to see him in his day to day pain, and there is nothing i can do. so back to now the present he is out of the wheelchair and has been fully out of it since June 2025, he uses a cane for long walking distances, he can move freely around the house. but being up on his leg to long, or inclines, stuff like that is just alot on him, and I understand that.

he has come so far.

With all of that being said within the last 9 months he will push his self to do things he shouldn't be doing BUT he has a hard time telling some people NO I am not able to do it. Because technically he can it just comes at a COST! him hurting few a few days or being more swollen than normal, him being short and aggervated because he is hurting. So me and the kids get the brunt of it.

** since the accident we still had an active bed room, I do most of the work and I have ZERO issue with having to be on top. Now maybe 6 or so times he was and or another way but it was to much on him. And again I'm total with that. But now I just don't think I'm enough for him anymore he denies masterbating, which is wild because idc just don't freaking lie about it. I have an issue with that.

Anyway over the past 6-9months were basically a dead bedroom unless I initiate and I'm really starting to hate that. All of the day to day hugs, kissing, touching, holding hands, ass smacks, any of it IS GONE. Once again unless I come up for a hug or kiss. And even then god forbid it's an actually kiss. It's nothing more than a peck. And I don't even attempt for a kiss anymore. Because fuck that. I know I can leave because we're not married, bit holly fuck I don't want to walk away. I love him I really do. Bit somethings got to give. . If ypu made it all the way thru then God bless you!!! Any advice, insight, or anything is oh so welcome.

My partner has multiple medical issues that prevent us from having sex and leave her struggling to get out of bed some days. We also have one kid (8). I love my family but I miss the emotional connection from my partner. It’s not her fault. Between sickness and us both trying our best to raise a kid with the circumstances, our relationship is basically dead. She used to be a nympho, now I can’t even go down on her (my favorite). I’m pretty much a caretaker at this point. It’s not even just the sex I miss, I crave physical touch. I try to touch her in passing and she winces. I know it’s from the pain but your brain does something when your love has been rejected for the thousandth time. She says she just wants to die all the time and I feel guilty when I think that would be best for both of us. I started getting up early and working out/ writing poetry to help with my mental health. Now I am fairly muscular and have books of romantic and sexual poems and my MH is still in the dumps. Pretty much all I do is work and take care of my girls. I feel like I’m wasting my sexual prime but I can’t leave my sick wife and crash my daughters whole world just because Im horny. I know she has the worst end of the stick and is in constant pain but I need a partner and affection reciprocated. I mentioned opening the relationship once or trying anything to help the situation, she shut it down and said it broke her heart, which I understand but this blows. To all out there on both sides of this situation my heart goes out to you. Keep fighting.

I’ve reached a point where I don’t know how to "fix" my way out of a situation, and for me, that’s a terrifying place to be.

To give you context on who is writing this: I am a **high-functioning INFJ with ADHD and PTSD**. By trade and by soul, I am a builder and a fabricator. I’m the guy people call when something is "unfixable." I weld, I remanufacture car parts from scratch, excavator arms, buckets, I do complex bodywork, I repair PCBs, and I build everything from high-end computers to internal combustion engines. If I have the seals, I can rebuild a hydraulic ram; if I have the brushes, I can remanufacture an alternator. I’m handy with literally everything. That just to scratch the surface.

But I’ve hit a wall I can't engineer, demo and repair my way through.

I recently found out I am **unable to have children**. This has completely shattered my reality and torn me apart. For someone who spends his entire life creating and building things to last, mourning a future as a father that I can no longer reach has been devastating.

Compounding this is my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years, and I feel completely invisible. There is almost zero intimacy; she has a medical condition that makes sex painful. I don't hold that against her—it’s a health issue, and I’m not going to penalize her for something she can't control—but sex is vital to me, and the total loss of that connection is taking a massive toll. Sex was apart of who I was. I was an excluusive stallion of unlimited stamina. I liked how other girls/women looked at me and the attention that came with it. I was approached by others looking for sexual advice and I would deliver. They would come back to thank me. With my past partners we would accidently wake all the dogs in the neibourhood from time to time. I still talk to my X's too because they are good human beings.

Beyond the physical, there is a total lack of appreciation that I have never encountered before.. I put my heart into everything I build and do, but she doesn't encourage me or show any interest. This wa a point of attraction because she was so hard to impress. But I put the work in and did it! She’s now developed a TV addiction she refuses to admit to and has stopped prioritizing her own health. I’m fighting to stay healthy and productive, encourage her to have or find a cool hobbie, but it’s hard to keep the engine running when there’s zero support or reciprocal energy from the person next to me. Its like a parasitic or vampiric draw on my system.

I know its been hard on her too. I have approached her with care, compassion and consern as main topics. I demonstrate my selfless devotion to what we have. Just to have it thrown back in my face. I stay on topic with descussions but she likes to go around the moon. Wich nat nothing to do with the proce of beef at any given time. Unless your looking at marketing. Then maybe Nasa has a marketing campaing where they adverside meats on the moon geared toward the publick and have aslogan like, Nasa we send a cow to the moon and back to show you we know how to handle out beef. She escalates. I tell her shes frealking out and she says I'm the one frealking out. Wich I can get. I can get a little intense sometimes. So i setup a camera on my self to see, and went to start a conversation about hey its a nice day, why dont we go outside and see if we can fill in the blank. Maybe try out the sowing machine (wicc I gotta say sowing is freaking awesome, not girly at all. so sick to make your own clothing, any way a small digression) to see if you may like it. I got 2 to encourage. I learned that i remained calm. Unless its observational bias. but its clear I was calm.

Being high-functioning with ADHD/PTSD means my brain is constantly scanning for solutions and feeling of others to generate an action plan, but I’m facing the two things I can't "fabricate" a solution for: my own biology and my partner’s motivation. I’m slipping into a deep depression, and I feel like I’m grieving a life that is still happening.

I must find the motivation to keep building. To find a path for a new foundation to engineer and build to keep everything from crumbling! I MUST navigate this grief however when I’m doing it entirely alone in my own home when shes rite beside me is, the darkness is palpable, deep and visceral.

How do I get out of this chemical soup desaster? I'm neck deep in it. To quote a mysterous individual descovered a bit a go. "When your neck deep in the Ocean, Its hard to see how vast it truly it." William Thomas Taylor the III^RD

My (30F) husband (30M) has psoriatic arthritis right now which is largely contributing to our dead bedroom. He’s on medication, some days are good to where he can exercise, walk and is in a good mood. Other days aren’t. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore and haven’t for about 2 years. And sometimes even if he says he will he forgets or pretends to forget and never does. We had a big fight and one thing I asked for was for him to sleep in bed 2x a week and he hasn’t done that.

I feel like I’m hitting my sexual puberty as a woman. I feel rejected and like he doesn’t care enough or want it enough to try and foster intimacy. No cuddling, or compliments, or romance over the past year and some change. I’m in a complex situation but with everything with him (mood, unemployment, depression, health) and me carrying the load of everything the lack of intimacy is extra draining. I try not to even bring up sex just cuddling or any type of physical contact where I can tell her wants it.

Before his illness we weren’t in a great place. We fought a lot, he could be dismissive and critical of me, and his inability to regulate his emotions/stress about his job directly led to this illness even though I asked him for 3 years to figure it out before he got this sick.

I thought it was antidepressants at first but now he’s no longer taking them and it’s still crickets. I have to beg for a cuddle. Previously, we had a pretty healthy sex life. It would go from 3x a week to 1x a week to twice a month and then the cycle starts over based on stress in our life.1

I sometimes feel resentment that he didn’t manage this sooner like I begged and now here we are, but also I can see he’s in pain and love him so I have a lot of empathy and patience. Or try to.

How do you cope with the guilt of feeling this way? How do you handle your own sexuality without adding it to the list of things THEY feel guilty about.

My now wife and I met in college in 2016. Within a month we became intimate. We lived far apart so we got the thrill of sneaking around (behind our parents backs). After we got engaged we moved in together eventually and had sex life that lessened as the pandemic began. At time went on, we self diagnosed her with PCOS and made the guess that was the cause. Well after 7 years of marriage we finally got some help and are I am hoping to get our bedroom alive again. The unfortunate event was health brought us through the route of a hysterectomy. As we clear restrictions I seek advice. Things once used to initiate because sources of comfort. A back rub or gentle scratch was once used to turn her on, used to help her fall asleep. As we approach 5 years of no sex and 2 other forms of play, how should I navigate or does anyone have suggestions of things that helped in your relationships? She was also a past victim of SA (before we had met). Maybe I just need a hug and to be told “it’ll work out”.

ETA: defined sneaking around - not cheating, just being horny teens hiding from strict parents

First time poster here. I (36LLF) am the reason for DB with my Love (42HLM). There’s a bit to unpack here, so if you do read the whole thing thank you! I used to have a high sex drive until recently. Love and I are approaching our 3rd anniversary in a few weeks, and this DB is causing some emotional turmoil for both of us. There are some reasons I can think of as to why we are in this situation, but I don’t know how to fix. So here goes…

I think the biggest and most obvious part of my issue is physical. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 14yo, and I often get fluid cysts that burst. Periods have been hell since my first one at 8yo. Needless to say I’m in a near-constant state of pain. But, I’ve always figured out a way around it. No kids, and all pregnancies ended themselves at or before 21 weeks. All that being said, my drive has drastically decreased the last ~year. My doctors are exhausted and have lost interest, they have basically just said my hormones are mostly ok and it’s probably just perimenopause. Use more lube, sorry it sucks, yada yada. But the really weird thing is that I can rarely achieve orgasm anymore. If I do, it’s almost excruciating so not worth trying. I don’t masturbate anymore (never was big into it, I like sex best), and when he and I do the deed I lately can’t get there, or if I do it’s quite painful. I am also insanely sensitive down there… well everywhere on my body really, but especially my lady parts. I was recently diagnosed with May Thurner Syndrome (vascular condition cutting off blood flow in my nether regions) and will be having stents put in next month. Hoping it helps things, but certainly won’t fix it. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I broke my leg at the end of January, had surgery Feb 10 installed plate/screws and a fib-to-tib “tightrope” to hold everything together. The healing process has been a rollercoaster, both physically and mentally. The mental part has been worse, so let’s move on to that…

I want to keep this part as short as possible (it won’t be short, sorry!), so only including relevant info. I have notoriously had a low self esteem most of my life, starting when my dad abandoned us just before my 9th birthday (he came back on and off eventually, but that didn’t fix anything). There was SA soon after his departure from within my family, which continued for quite some time. This person used emotional manipulation tactics to keep it going, and part of it was (basically) that I’ll never be good enough for anyone so keep my mouth shut or else. Yes, this was resolved recently but unfortunately the damage was done since I was so young when it started. This may have something to do with my high sex drive in my early adult years? Not sure? In high school and throughout adulthood, I have ALWAYS been cheated on. Like, only 2 bf’s never cheated, including current Love. More of the whole “you’ll never be enough” being instilled… which leads me to my next issue. With my latest injury/surgery, my physical activity is non existent. I am finally walking in a boot, but I can’t go very far yet and still moving slow. So I have gained almost 20 lbs in under two months. Mom and sister say I still look healthy, just a little “thicc” lol. They’re not entirely wrong, I wasn’t very big before, but I’m SO UNCOMFORTABLE. It happened so fast… My clothes don’t fit anymore, my skin is gross, I have cellulite everywhere, I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. I love healthy food and cooking, my diet is not bad, but I’m starting to hate eating. Now this is where my baggage involves Love- I am no longer his “type.” He’s checking out the teeny tiny, athletic/skinny, super pretty girls. Think college. I know and feel that he still loves me, but I see how he looks at me now. It’s different. I’m not the skinny blonde girl I was before, the one he fell in love with. Everything else about us is mostly fine, but I’m a lot harder to find attractive these days. And now with my sex drive gone down the drain, I don’t initiate anything with him. I don’t want him to see me in my grossness. It hurts too much to have penetration very often, we’ve tried only 4 times since my accident. We do still fool around, so it’s not like he’s not getting anything. But sex used to be at least a couple times a week up to a year ago, even daily for a while. And I feel even worse, because now he feels like I’m not attracted to him anymore. Understandable. Totally not true from my perspective, he’s sexy and handsome, a wonderful person inside and out. I just have no drive. I have been trained, I’ve never been enough for anyone (Love and I have dealt with this, I had some jealousy issues for a period but as far as I know we’re good now), and I most certainly do NOT want to be the reason he feels like he’s not enough. Am I the top of his priority list? No lol. Would that help me feel better to be a bit higher up? Yes, and we’ve talked about it. I’m a giver/pleaser, but I’m trying to not expect that from anyone else. So, he hasn’t done anything to deserve feeling bad about himself. But he does feel that way and I don’t know how to handle it. Part of me is just waiting to find out he couldn’t take it anymore and cheated. I hope and pray that doesn’t happen.

I typically have pretty thick skin in all situations, rough childhood/life does that to you. So I am not one to cry, EVER-even when I broke my leg and tore up my ankle. But now? I cry daily. I’m completely broken. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a miserable blob who doesn’t want to wake up anymore. The worst part is that I am hurting the person I love the most, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Obviously there’s quite the mix of mental/emotional/physical issues going on here… So if you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for listening <3 And if any friends here have any advice or direction, you would be my hero! Therapy experience hasn’t been great historically, but willing to try again. Also started watching my macros and trying to lose some weight. Physical therapy soon, so maybe some exercise will come with that. Supplements are my friends, but I’m not acquainted well with them. Please help, thank you!