I have an (I hope) pretty unusual situation. My kiddo was conceived through a donor, who is open to contact once kiddo turns 18.

We always intended to be fully open with him about being donor conceived, in age appropriate ways. We bought a few kids books to help explain it.

Kiddo is now 3 and extremely curious and full of questions about everything in the world. My husband/his dad died nearly a year ago. He has a few memories of his dad, we talk about him, he sees pictures and videos etc, but heartbreakingly his dad isn't here to be a real presence in his life. Goes without saying, it's been an incredibly tough time.

At 3, my kiddo is just at the start of being able to understand what death actually means, and still I think doesn't fully understand the loss.

I don't want to withhold the information about him being donor conceived, but I also feel like adding in information about what that means while he's still trying to process the death of his dad and has a pretty hazy idea of who his dad was will be really confusing for him. So I've been holding off on opening that conversation.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice I'd really appreciate it.

ETA: Just to clarify, I'm not thinking of (or wanting to!) not share this information with him over the long term. Just weighing if now at 3, with the loss of his dad taking up a lot of space in both our brains, is the best time, vs waiting another year or two so that he's better able to understand and process the info. I'm certainly open to either side, but trying to be thoughtful about what timing is best for my kiddo.

Hi everyone,

I'm a prospective RP and solo mother by choice (SMBC), and I'd really appreciate hearing from donor-conceived people who grew up in a country different from their donor's country of origin.

For context, I'm 34, almost 35, Portuguese, and I've been considering solo motherhood for quite some time. Over the past two years in particular, I've tried to educate myself as thoroughly as possible about donor conception. I've read books such as We Are Family, Going Solo, Three makes Baby and Breast and Eggs, followed donor-conceived people on Instagram and in online communities, including this one, and spent a lot of time reading, listening and reflecting on the ethical questions involved.

I've also discussed these issues extensively with my therapist, family and friends. I want to be as prepared as possible to support my future child(ren), whatever their feelings about their conception, their donor or their genetic origins might be. I want them to feel that they can ask questions, express difficult feelings, be curious about their donor or want to contact them, without ever feeling that they need to protect my feelings or reach a particular conclusion.

Last year, I underwent a first egg-freezing cycle. My ovarian reserve was lower than ideal for my age, so I wanted to preserve some options while giving myself more time to think and research. The results weren't spectacular, but they weren't bad either, and the experience gave me some breathing room. I've now decided to move forward with donor conception.

A little context about Portugal, anonymous donation has not been permitted since 2018, although access to identifying information is subject to specific rules. In general, donor-conceived people can only access their donor's identity at 18.

I explored the possibility of using a known donor, but nobody in my personal circle was both available and in a position to take on that role. After considerable thought, I decided to use a sperm bank.

My clinic has access to a Portuguese sperm bank, but the donor information available to recipients is really quite limited, essentially ethnicity, hair colour and eye colour. I understand why some people are comfortable with that, but I felt that, given the choice, I'd prefer to be able to offer my future child more information about their genetic origins... this is particularly important for me because I've come to understand, through listening to donor-conceived people's experiences, how difficult it can be to grow up with limited information about your genetic origins. Of course, no amount of information can anticipate every question a child might have, but I felt that the more I could give them access to from the outset, the better equipped they would be to explore their own history and make sense of it in whatever way felt right for them...

Another consideration was the question of donor siblings. I've read about the uncertainty some DCP experience around how many genetic siblings they might have, and the potential implications this can have, including when dating and wondering whether someone might unknowingly be a genetic relative... Since Portugal is a relatively small country, I thought that choosing a donor from abroad might reduce the likelihood of my child inadvertently encountering a donor sibling in everyday life here. I realise this doesn't eliminate that possibility, nor does it resolve the broader questions surrounding donor sibling numbers and connections and, I should make this clear: I would never want to discourage my child from finding or getting to know their genetic siblings. If they wanted to explore that part of their identity, including through DNA testing or donor sibling registries, I would fully support them. My intention was simply to give them as much information as possible while, to some extent, reducing the likelihood of accidental encounters they might not be prepared for..

So, I explored an international bank and because of the options available to me in Portugal, including legal reservations, blood-group compatibility requirements and the countries from which samples could be supplied, I ended up choosing the European Sperm Bank and a Danish donor.

I couldn't access an adult photograph because of the restrictions applicable in Portugal, but I could access childhood photographs, a letter addressed to future donor-conceived offspring, a psychological profile, an (most importantly for me considering all Ive learned) extensive medical history covering several generations, and an interview in which the donor discusses aspects of his personality and habits. My hope is to preserve the information carefully, perhaps in a scrapbook or folder, so that my child can explore it whenever they wish. It will be there for them, without any expectation that they must read it, feel a particular way about it or want a relationship with the donor.

Now, here's where I'd love to hear your perspectives...

I'm Portuguese, and the donor and I are both white Europeans and have similar hair and eye colours, so my child may resemble me and my family but the donor comes from a different country, with its own history, culture, traditions and language.

I have some familiarity with Denmark and Danish culture.. although I've never visited (I'm a big reader and lifelong learner) and I'd be happy to take my child(ren) there one day if they wanted to go.. I'm also a hygee lover, lifelong LEGO and Maileg enthusiast and collector, and I've always loved Christmas and Easter traditions, including Danish and other Nordic traditions which I've incorporated into my family's celebrations over the years, alongside British, Spanish and other traditions.. So Denmark isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, although I certainly wouldn't pretend that enjoying LEGO and a few Christmas customs means I know what it is like to grow up Danish! Obviously..

My family and friends are also making an effort to educate themselves about donor conception and the language we use around it. They're an important part of my support network, and I want my future child to have that same network of people who understand their origins and respect their feelings.

I intend to talk openly about donor conception from the beginning, in age-appropriate ways. I don't want it to be a big revelation later in life, and want it to be an ordinary part of our family story so I'll explain what I know about the donor, keep the available information accessible, and make it clear that my child can talk to me about any aspect of their conception without fear of upsetting me... But I'm wondering about the cultural side of things.

For those of you whose donor was from a different country from the one in which you grew up, how did your parents approach that part of your background and what could they have done differently?

Did your parents actively introduce you to the donor's country, culture, language, food or traditions, or did they leave it largely up to you to explore? If they made an effort to introduce you to that culture, did you appreciate it? Did it help you feel connected to your origins, or did it ever feel forced or make the donor's background seem more significant than it otherwise would have? Looking back, is there anything you wish your parents had done differently? Do you think there's value in parents proactively creating opportunities to learn about the donor's country, or is it better to provide the information and follow the child's lead?

I'm conscious that a donor's nationality doesn't automatically make their culture part of a child's lived experience, and I don't want to assume that my future child will necessarily identify with Denmark or feel a particular connection to it.. At the same time, I don't want to overlook something that might become meaningful to them simply because I didn't think to make it accessible.

My current instinct is to follow the child's lead while making sure the door is always open. I'll tell them what I know about the donor and where he comes from. If they become curious about Denmark, we can read about it, watch films, explore the language, learn about its history or travel there together... and if they aren't particularly interested, I won't make it a major focus of our family life..

I travel quite a bit, and I would like my children to discover different countries and cultures anyway. Denmark can be one of those countries, just as Spain or the UK might be. I could also introduce a few Danish books, recipes or traditions into our lives naturally, without presenting them as something my child is expected to embrace because of their donor. Maybe?

For context, England has always been a significant part of my own life. I've travelled there frequently, my best friend and her family live there (and so did my brother for a few years and me during my erasmus and some summer camps), and have accumulated books, series, recipes, decorations and traditions connected to it... Those things have become part of my life organically. Perhaps I could allow Danish influences to enter our home in a similar way, without trying to manufacture a connection? I suppose what I'm trying to find is the balance between making a child's genetic and cultural origins accessible, without assigning them an identity or a connection they haven't chosen for themselves.

I'd particularly appreciate hearing from donor-conceived people themselves, including those who felt curious about their donor's country and those who didn't. I'm not looking for reassurance that I've made the right choice.. I'd just genuinely like to understand what these experiences were like from your perspective, including anything that might be uncomfortable or difficult to hear.

Thank you for reading such a long post, and for sharing your experiences if you feel comfortable doing so.

Hi everyone,

Would love to hear from a DCP about their experience or thoughts on using a known donor, specifically a sibling. I went into perimenopause at 30, and my sister offered to be our egg donor (just an fyi that I have attempted IVF with my own eggs multiple times without any luck). My priority is being as thoughtful and considerate to our future child as possible, and we fully plan to disclose our donor conception journey to them.

I’m also interested in hearing your thoughts on the general ethical considerations of using a known egg donor.

I have thought about this since before my daughter's birth. We used egg donation after several failed IVF cycles with my eggs. She is now almost a year old.

For context: Where we live (Sweden) DCP have the right at "mature age", so like 18, to know some details and receive contact information for the donor. I would like that to be sooner, or for her to have at least some information before then. I just know that she was 24 and caucasian which means basically nothing.

Is a DNA-test ok for us as her parents to decide to use on her to try and figure some things out? Or should we wait until she can properly understand the consequences?

Hi everyone. I am 30 years old and planning to donate eggs to someone in another state. We agreed to have a fully open donation, my whole family knows, and so do the recipient’s families. Both families are accepting and happy with no reservations. We are doing it privately, not through an agency, so there would be no chance of half siblings besides my own children. I have already sent the RP all medical history I can possibly think of (including a literal 360 x ray of my teeth because both me and my mom have giant tooth roots. It’s a benign but cool thing I want them to know about) I am already on ancestry DNA, despite us agreeing for a fully open donation. I sent the RP photos of me and my whole side of the family up to my great grandparents and a completed family tree to great-great grandparent. I sent them copies of my license, my parents and siblings information, and my husbands information in case anything ever happens to me, they can always contact my side of the family. I sent them photos of me growing up, my teen phase, pics of me with my first boyfriend even, and pics of my graduation, big career jumps, pregnant with my current child, and any other photos that might be nice to share with a child.

The recipient family and I included in our legal contract that any and all medical history that I’m aware of needs to be disclosed ASAP after the donation for the duration of the future children’s lives, and we also casually discussed going to each others kids birthday parties and having our kids know each other and grow up together, to the best of our abilities considering we are in different states.

I did my own IVF cycle (husband and I carry the same stuff so we needed to do extra genetic testing— recipient father and I do not carry anything in common) about a year ago with great results so I expect them to have 1-3 kids from this donation. As soon as the donation is done, I am planning to get pregnant with my likely final baby. We will likely be pregnant at the same time if everything goes according to both our plans.

They have similar policial beliefs as us (liberal) and agree with the same parenting philosophy as we do (gentle with boundaries aka authoritative, no corporal/hitting ever) they have future grandparents living close by that are excited to support, and will have cousins close in age to grow up with.

Please tell me if I am missing anything or if there is anything I can possibly do to do my due diligence and make the lives of future children of this donation as best as I possibly can.

Hi all — just read this WIRED piece about teens who feel like "walking science experiments" because their parents selected donors for specific traits like musicality or height (link). I searched the archive and couldn't find this angle discussed, so:

Did your parents choose your donor for looks, intelligence, or talent rather than mainly health? How was that choice framed to you, and did it shape how you see yourself?

Anything in the article that resonates — or contradicts your experience? Hope this is ok to ask. Thanks!

Hello! I hope this is okay to post here, I am donor conceived myself. I’m a college student conducting a survey based research project on the experiences of, and impact on, adults conceived from donated eggs, sperm, or embryos. If you meet these qualifications, I would highly appreciate your participation! All data collected will be completely anonymous and any question may be skipped. Results may be used in classroom presentations, research reports, conferences, or scientific publications. The link to the survey is attached. Thank you for your time! 
https://forms.gle/J7541hXe41H57aQo7

Did your parents raise you with traditions that tie into your sperm donor’s heritage?

For example, if the donor was Jewish and your parents weren’t, did you observe any of the holidays or traditions?

I was a prolific sperm donor in my younger years, but did all of it anonymously or using false names.  

One reason was that I didn’t understand the process, and was scared of being known & held accountable in future  for child support, unwelcome contacts years later, demands for personal/medical history,  all that stuff.   A bit gutless looking back.

Other reason  -   I was in a wild life during that period and there were warrants out on me with the likelihood of a stretch in prison.   

Looking back from (hopefully) a mature perspective, I recognize how important it is for many people to know and connect with their actual biological fathers, even if those  fathers were just sperm donors.  So I’m making my DNA signature available publicly and would welcome contact from anyone who might be a ‘match’.  

Very interested to hear the experiences of people who’ve been thru anything similar – did you find your dad, or has your dad found you?   How did that turn out for you? 

I’m considering using a donor to become a parent (I am a single woman), and I’d really value hearing from donor-conceived people about this.

I’ve been wondering how changes in social attitudes and parenting practices might affect the experiences of children conceived through egg or sperm donation today. Many people conceived decades ago have described secrecy around their conception, late disclosure, or discovering the truth unexpectedly through DNA testing.

Today, there seems to be more discussion about being open with children from the beginning, as well as greater visibility and acceptance of different family structures, including single-parent and LGBTQ+ families.

Do you think early disclosure, openness and wider social acceptance could make a meaningful difference? Which challenges might these changes help with, and which concerns would remain regardless of how accepting society becomes?

I don’t want to suggest that anyone’s difficult experiences were simply a product of their time, or that openness alone resolves everything. I’m interested in understanding what may change for future generations, and what prospective parents still need to take seriously.

I also want to do the right thing by my child, and understand if this is the right thing at all. Yes it is what I want, but I don't want to do something that could emotionally damage a child of mine.

Thank you to anyone willing to share their perspective.

How big is being donor conceived a part of your life? How often do you think about being donor conceived? Can you also please say if you are conceived from egg or sperm? Thank you

I'm really scared to ask this but I am infertile (obvs) and my husband and I are considering using an egg donor. I need some more info to feel its the right decision. As a donor concieved people, I deeply appreciate your advice. Unfortunately i'm not in the position to use a related donor and our only option is an egg bank where the children would get all the donor details when they turn 18. For me personally I don't care if my baby shares my dna or not (who wants to inherit my blobby jawline for a start) i'll love them the same. Frankly I already love them. I'd planned to raise them knowing about the egg donation, get all the books etc. If possible have two children by the same donor so they have each other for added genetic support. They'll be genetically related to my husband and i'll carry and give birth to them. They're going to be built from my body so i've got myself in peak health! I was so ready! However, in my attempt to try and do things properly I followed a few accounts by donor conceived people on Instagram to get their insight and i'm reeling from the negativity. Its made me wonder if my choice to use a donor is inherently selfish? Its evident that being donor concieved has some unavoidable traumas, but is that something I can mitigate or am I being blinded by my mothering instinct? Is it ethical to go ahead with having a child knowing it would cause them pain like the kind i've seen online? My husband believes we'll be fine because we have a stable, loving home, we want them so, so much (honestly i've been through hell with IVF and medical procedures and i've done it all gladly to someday become a mother) and we are able to provide financially, but to me it doesnt seem like enough and i'm genetically failing them from day 1. Can anybody advise what might have made being donor concieved better for them? Was anybody out there able to love/feel connected to the parent they weren't biologically related to and how did the parent create an environment where that could happen? Would anyone donor conceived consider using a donor if you turned out to be infertile? I noticed some of you guys think its kind of cool to be donor concieved and I almost cried with relief - how could I help my children feel that way? To be honest I think its cool and i'm in awe of the science but its probably not okay for me to say that. I'm currently having therapy to help me work all this out (and i'd fully support therapy for my future children) but I think therapists tend to be over validating and I wanted to get insight from the people affected by this issue. I hope these questions are okay to ask. I just want to be a good mother and if the answer is not being a mother at all I could learn to come to terms with that.

Hello;

I am the RP of a child conceived with sperm from a known donor. My child has always known his conception story. He speaks with his dad weekly and sees him about every 3 months for about a week. He’s met donor’s parents and extended family.

He’s 11 now and he’s pushing back a bit about talking to his dad weekly. And seems less and less interested in spending time with him.

I’m a little unsure how to manage this. I do want to follow my kid’s lead on this but I’m also worried that he will regret not keeping this bond as he gets older.

I’d love to get advice or perspectives on this. Ideally from DCP, but I guess there aren’t so many adults with KD situations so I’ll take ideas from all. Thanks!!

After plans unexpectedly fell apart with a family member donor, my spouse and I, a queer couple, had to make a quick decision about how to proceed with our journey to have a child for medical reasons. We did our best to choose a donor we felt reflected our heritages and values. I'm now the social parent of a DC child on the way. I'm filled with love and excitement to welcome this new being into the world, and thoughtful about how we will tell them their full story, to give them the pieces they may need to construct an identity that suits them.

My mother's family, the only non-European part of my spouse's and my shared lineage, (also share in part by the donor) in particular, has a rich, multi-generational history of survival and resilience. The stories contain powerful life lessons. Perhaps, as a queer person, these stories have been particularly important to me, ones that helped bolster my strength when I needed it most, that helped me feel a sense of belonging to a narrative bigger than myself.

I'm, of course, aware that the family stories that mean so much to me, may not be meaningful to our child. My bio siblings, are certainly less interested than I. Yet, I feel these stories have value, and plan to share them with the child.

As my spouse and I think about names, I'm deeply considering how an aspect of a name could play a role in giving the child a door to a sense of belonging in this part of their non-bio family, a sense that the family's strength, which is part of my story, is also part of their story, something there to draw on when there is need.

I'm curious how other DCP folks feel about their names, especially if any of those names, first, middle or last, has connections to social parents' history and/or heritage.

Thank you for creating this place for questions and sharing your experiences.

Hello everyone!

My name is Dr. Anna Bettini, and I am a researcher and anthropologist at the University of Calgary. I am part of an international research team conducting an ethnographic study on the experiences of families who have used assisted reproductive technologies with donors, including egg, sperm, and embryo donation, as well as surrogacy.

About the study:

Access to reproductive technologies varies widely from country to country. Differences in laws, costs, and social attitudes make these treatments difficult to obtain for some individuals and couples, and many hopeful parents travel abroad for care. These journeys are creating new forms of family and changing how we think about relationships and genetic ties.

In our study we examine how biological, social, legal, ethical, and political factors shape the experiences of families formed through these technologies, and what this means for the children born through them. In Canada, the project will end July 2028.

Who we'd like to hear from:

We welcome all forms of family: solo parents, heterosexual couples, and gay and lesbian couples. In Canada, we are focusing on families living in Alberta, British Columbia, or Ontario, or who accessed fertility services in these provinces. We are especially interested in hearing from families who already have children conceived through donor eggs, sperm, or embryos, or born through surrogacy.

What participation involves:

• One private interview about your journey with reproductive technologies, lasting about 60 to 90 minutes
• Interviews take place online or by phone at a time that suits you
• Participation is voluntary, and you may skip any question or withdraw at any time
• Confidentiality and anonymity are guaranteed; your name and identifying details will not appear in any publication
• There is no financial compensation for taking part, but we deeply value the time and insight you share with us

By sharing your story, you can help shape future discussions about family life, fertility care, and reproductive technologies in Canada and beyond.

If you're interested or have questions, please email me at [anna.bettini@ucalgary.ca](mailto:anna.bettini@ucalgary.ca) or comment below. Thank you for considering being part of this project!

This study has been approved by the University of Calgary Conjoint Faculties Research Ethics Board (REB25-0611

My husband and I are thinking of donating remaining embryos after our family is complete. I’m not sure if this is the right thing yet, though…I think a lot about what the future child would want/think/decide for themselves. We would only do an open adoption where they can have as much or as little access to us as they’d want. I wonder what DCP would’ve wanted their bio parents to have put in place legally before donating? To ensure that they can access their bio patents? What do you think?..

My biggest thing…I’d like them to know that they are so, so loved and if we could, We’d have them all. We struggled with infertility and didn’t even make a euploid the first time with IVF. We had very low expectations on the second try, but were very surprised. I don’t want them to think that they were “unwanted” and that they didn’t mean anything. I’d just want them to have the best life possible ever and take my time to interview/pick out the best couple to be their parents.

***Also, would you have preferred if your bio parents would have donated you to couples that didn’t have any children or that already had their own bio children? Would you want to be first? I think about all of this. I wouldn’t want my embryo to feel less than their bio kids. Idk…did any of you experience that?

EDIT TO ADD: This is 16 euploids we’re talking about here…not just 1-2. We’re already going to have 3. We also don’t believe in destroying or donating to science due to religious beliefs. Specially my husband. I’m not ready to do this anytime soon…but I know I’m going to have to one day.

My question is more about how would a DCP want me to go about this. What would they have wanted as far as a family, access, etc etc.

Our first round we literally got none viable, and so the next round we were all expecting maybe just 1-2. Then when we got 16….i couldn’t even be happy because of the immense heartbreak of getting more than we intended, when the odds were pretty bad for us.

I wonder if Egg DCP feel differently than sperm DCP. Firstly, there are probably way more sperm DCP. Also, the process of sperm DCP seems more natural in a way? I dont mean to make that sound insensitive, apologies if I do. It’s just that sperm donation can even be done without IVF whereas egg donation requires it. Just wanted to hear perspectives. Thank you

Hi, I have a very difficult decision to make and I’m hoping to get some insight from people that were donor conceived. I did IVF and got two healthy embryos. Our first transfer worked and I had a healthy, amazing little boy. Unfortunately everything went wrong with the birth and I had a massive hemorrhage and was forced to have a lifesaving emergency hysterectomy. My husband and I really wanted to have two children. We knew there was a possibility that the second transfer wouldn’t take which would be sad, but we would be ok with it as long as we tried.

Now that I’ve had the hysterectomy however, I’m faced with the impossible decision of what to do with this embryo. Before we started IVF we thought we were ok with donating any extra embryos we had after our family was complete (as long as it was an open donation). Now we are in a situation though where we desperately want to have another child but can’t, and I have to make a decision of what to do with this embryo. I can’t bear the idea of destroying it or donating to science when it is so very much wanted, but I also struggle with the idea of a very wanted child being raised by someone else. Surrogacy is not an option.

As a donor conceived person, how would you feel if you knew that your donors desperately wanted to raise you but couldn’t only because they were unable to carry the pregnancy?

I hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive. I’m trying to make a decision from a place of love and I really don’t want to regret anything. Selfishly, it would be very difficult to have to watch them grow from a distance and with different parents, but is that a good enough reason to decide they don’t get a chance to live at all? FWIW I am very much pro choice and I know it’s just a little cluster of cells right now and not a person but I also know it’s potential. I’m just struggling so much with having to make this decision. I really appreciate any insight you have to offer.

Hi there, I am a (hopefully) soon to be single mother by choice and have been doing my research on the best way of going about donor conception. Some things stand out to me as very clear requirements regarding the donor such as open-ID and limiting the number of potential genetic half-siblings. There are however a few things that are not as clear to me and that I cannot find good resources on which is why I am asking you here for your perspective.

First, I know a fully known donor is considered the best but it is unfortunately not possible where I live (the donor would be considered the legal father even with contracts in place).

In the country that I live in I am not allowed to choose a donor. The doctor will find a match based on ethnicity, hair/eye color, and height. No information will be available to me whatsoever. Only the child can request identifying information when they are 15. The donor would be local and thus have the same nationality, and there are strict family limits and the sperm is not exported. What I struggle with is not having access to any information about the donor and thus not being able to answer any questions my child might have. Is it enough for a dcp to be able to find out who the donor is at age 15 and not having any guarantees about how much information they might be able to get from the donor at that point?

My other option is to go to Denmark and choose the donor myself. In this case I would use a sperm bank that has donors with global family limits <10 and provides extensive information about the donor which I will have access to from the start and can thus share with my child. I do however feel a little weird about picking a donor, especially with so much information and even pictures available. I do not ever want my child to feel like I ordered a “designer baby”. I also do believe that the donor being from Denmark instead of from the exact culture that I am from is less ideal. I have not found a donor with extended profile and low family limits in the Danish banks that is from my country.

So I suppose what I am asking is: what aspects of these considerations are more important to you as a dcp? Which of these options do you think has the best chance of meeting my future child’s needs? Is there anything else that I have not considered and should be thinking about?

If you are a DCP, and have “always known” you were a DCP, and there was no grand reveal, how has your experience gone? Do you still experience trauma or resentment or other difficult feelings about your conception or is it largely peaceful?

To go a step further, if you know and have always known AND knew your donor, how was that?

We are pondering a known donor who is an extremely close friend who is CFBC and lives across the country. We know each other so well I can recite her family health history and family tree without her assistance. We have overlapping friends and even dated some of the same people. We have the same highly specialized degree. Using her as a KD feels as close as having a sister donate. She’d always be accessible for a call or video or visits etc, but she would be far away and does not want to parent. Happy to have a relationship though.

My husband has reservations about the child’s experience in this situation and I’m wondering if this is still not ok for the kid? We envision our donor being just another branch of our family tree. :/

I can’t read the full flair text- I hope I picked the right one.

We’re looking to use a donor egg, potentially donor sperm (maybe my brothers). Our Dr recommended this over embryo adoption.

We found donors we really like and we contemplating asking to do a video call with them first and a friend offered to do IVF to give us her eggs.

We want our kid(s) to know they are donor conceived as early as possible- we don’t want a traumatic ‘reveal.’ We picked donors who were ok with early access/disclosure. We plan to have all the children’s books, therapists to help guide us, as much support as we can.

We had an appointment with a specialist therapist as part of the donor process and she suggested I reach out to a donor conceived community.

I’m struggling with how to support our kiddo through mental aspects of their identity- I struggled with that as a traditional conceived person.

Is it easier to know this person and their half siblings as extended family they can access really easily? Is some kind of distance and more formal contact better?

Is it weird to want to do a video call with an anonymous donor? This person is going to be family in some way, at least if the kiddo wanted that.

I have a big family and we’re close, I wish my husband’s big family was closer. I don’t want to deny a positive relationship, but I don’t want to create a negative experience either.

I just want to make it as positive experience as it can be for the kid. I know our intentions go a long way but practically I’m struggling to make decisions at this stage of choosing how to conceive.

My wife and I have a 2.5 year old daughter who was conceived via IVF using my wife’s egg and my brother was our donor. He is my full brother and I am biologically my daughter’s aunt. All of our friends and family know that my brother was our donor, as well as our daughter’s doctors. We explained to our daughter that her uncle “gave us a wonderful gift” so that she could be part of our family, and are planning to get more specific as she gets older and/or has more questions. We have a bunch of different children’s books that also go into this in more detail.

Here are my questions:

- If your family is similar (in that the donor used to conceive you is a sibling of one of the parents who raised you), were there ways it was explained to you that you liked or disliked?
- I expect she will get asked about it by her peers and others as she gets older (since we’re a 2 mom family and so there will be curiosity). Any advice on how she can best respond to these questions and how we can prepare her for them?

I'd appreciate any thoughts; please be gentle. I have recently left an abusive relationship. I have a 3yo with him. I also, under terrible circumstances, terminated a second pregnancy with him (nearly 2 years ago now). Criminal proceedings for the abuse are ongoing although no idea what will come of it. He was abusive towards me but not our child and he still has regular contact with the child - currently twice a week, no overnights but he's pushing hard for 50:50. I hope to keep it nearer 70:30 at least.

I have always wanted two children and long for another. I am nearly 42 though so no time to see how I feel in a few years, or to meet someone else etc. I have eggs frozen and am financially stable. For some time I have been considering ICSI with donor sperm (whose information would be available to the child at 18). My main concern is if it's unfair to have two children who are half siblings, one of whom sees their father and the other who obviously doesn't. (And conversely one who spends all their time with me, and one who doesn't.) My parents have both died since the birth of my 3yo so there are photos of them together but kid won't remember them. I have a sibling with two adopted children (i.e. cousins to my kid), although they don't live close. So the new child wouldn't have much extended family whereas my existing child does have grandparents and two more cousins on their dad's side.

I had an older mum myself so well aware of the downsides of that (and the upsides). Also the two kids would be 4/4.5 years apart so possibly not easy to solo parent activities they'd both enjoy? I'm conscious I've been through an extraordinary amount of loss in a short time (parents, pregnancy, partner, family home) and have been trying to work through it all, but I can't get past just wanting another child. As a DCP how would you see this situation? Thank you.

Hi everyone,

I am infertile, and my partner and I are going to use donor sperm for them to conceive. We knew we wanted a known donor, ideally. We asked my brother, and after careful consideration with his wife, he agreed. He and I are very close and communicate well. He is also one of the most stable, healthy, and responsible people I know.

I know some people will find that weird, but we think it's great. We want our donor to be a part of our child's life, and we plan on always being honest about where they came from in age-appropriate ways.

I'm hoping to find people who were raised in a similar environment and learn about their experience. What was it like? Did your parents do anything that made things easier? Anything you wish they had done differently? What is your relationship like with the family member who donated? Is it different than your relationship with other uncles/aunts?

Any insight, experience, or advice is greatly appreciated.